The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - Beverly Engel

[skippy740]

My divorce court hearing is next week. I was fasting this past Sunday for a miracle for my marriage. Yesterday, I found a thread that sounded EXACTLY like me and how can I rebuild trust in my marriage.

My Marriage is at bottom/over - how do we rebuild trust?

The poster "testing123" recommended the book "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing" by Beverly Engel.

I went here to the Amazon.com link to learn more about it, and the highest review also seemed to describe me to a "T".

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing: Beverly Engel: 0723812595839: Amazon.com: Books

What I like about this book, is that it doesn't immediately tell you (or the abused) that there is no hope. There are plenty of questions, exercises and checklists to help you make good decisions and discover more about yourself.

Some of this stuff was like a forhead slap. It hit me right between the eyes. If someone could've "X-rayed" my marriage, it is in this book.

I said way too many expletives to myself because some of the statements were so true about me.

It is available in hardback, kindle and even on audible.com.

It was originally published in 1999, so I found a copy at my local library.

[Eowyn]

For my own benefit, would you have seen your own problems if you were not open to that like you are now? Say, a year ago? One of my brothers is in a terribly toxic marriage but his wife refuses to see how abusive she is. I wonder if there's any hope of her ever seeing the light.

At any rate, thanks for the book recommendation. I do admire your ability to be introspective about the whole thing, and I'm sorry things haven't worked out.

[skippy740]

I would like to think that I'm open to any ideas about me and my own behavior. I love my wife and children... but I also knew that some of my behavior wasn't in harmony with having a loving home.

I never considered that I might have mental issues. I was diagnosed with ADD back when I was 16. I was prescribed Ritalin for it... and I've taken it as an adult. Recently with little income for myself, I used a local health clinic for the prescription, but the doctor needed ME to teach HER about the prescription. I was paying for the doctor visit and not even getting a competent practitioner for my ADD.

Now, I have seen a psychiatrist who prescribed for me an anti-depressant for my ADD (wellbutrin). Since then, I've been re-examining my life because I haven't felt this good about life in a long time (if ever). I feel that I can be more brave to re-examine my past and find solutions that were probably connected more towards depression than ADD.

I can be a pretty positive person when I'm around others. No one else could've suggested that I was depressed or had other mental issues... because the symptoms weren't there for everyone to see.

So, in short, my life changed with the new medication and a willingness to re-examine my life in a new light.

We've been going to counseling (as I've posted on other threads). We're doing better in communicating with each other, but we haven't really explored the ROOT of our behavior with each other.


I'm still praying for a miracle!

[Eowyn]

Best of luck to you. We have some good friends who had some really unhealthy habits in their marriage and ended up getting divorced. She even started dating and was determined that their marriage had failed and was over, but he kept trying. They were remarried within 6 months, and have been together (again) for over ten years and are very happy. Miracles come.

[LiterateParakeet]

Skippy, you are awesome. I love people who are REAL. I wish more people were able to open up and share they way you have, I think we could help one another so much better if we were all more real.

And, yes, I take my own advice...if anyone doubts that, just read my blog. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I am convinced that sharing helps us and helps others so much more than keeping secrets.

Again, way to go Skippy.

[skippy740]

It's funny that you mention that. This past Sunday, we had a lesson on the General Conference lesson on the "trials of our faith" by Neil L Anderson of the 12.

Now, my poor EQ instructor. I started participating and talking about REALITY.

In my opinion, EQ isn't an extension of Sunday School. EQ and any other quorum/auxillary is about putting the gospel into action.

I talked about the culture of the church - that we don't talk too much about our personal problems. It can feel that everyone else's life in the church must be perfect... except me. When someone is inactive, they have their own mental dialogue that everyone else is going to judge them and ask them all kinds of questions if you decide to go back to church. We know that this is the Adversary at work... but let's not dodge reality.

What do you do? The instructor answered to talk with the Bishop. Probably very good "Sunday School" advice. However, if I'm already feeling uncomfortable in church (not saying I'm not), why would I want to subject myself to the "Principal's Office"?

In my opinion, the answer are well trained, and well intentioned home teachers that faithfully execute their calling and care more about the PERSON than the lesson they prepared.

Especially for inactives, I would introduce myself as being a member of the ward... then talk about how I'm different. I'm not going to come here and give a lesson... unless that's what you want. My job is to be a resource for you and your family - to communicate back to the Quorum and the Bishop of what your temporal & spiritual needs are... as you tell them to me. If they're really inactive, I'll probably only be inviting them out to church for specific programs - Easter, Christmas & the Primary program.

Be different, and show that you care about them... instead of just going through the motions.

But I agree with you LiterateParakeet, not enough quorums are focusing on the realities of people's lives.

Of course, I have to be careful talking like this... they usually find a CALLING for people like me! (And I'm rather content with being in the Cub Scout program for now.)



Oh, and after the lesson, a brother came up to me to thank me for my comments. He had just recently begun coming back to church after 20 years of inactivity... been through a couple of divorces, but was thankful for a good home teacher. Guys like him and I need some empathy from people who have gone through, or are going through, what we're going through.

Too many facades at Church. One of my little criticisms of LDS Church culture.

[LiterateParakeet]

I love that you started a discussion about this in EQ. I'm sure the teacher was mortified, LOL! But it if we are truly going to keep our baptismal covenant to bear one another's burdens, we need to share our sorrows along with joys...and we need to feel comfortable sharing (which comes from others being open as well.)

I am so with you on this!