kicked son out of house

[pooter1]

My husband and i kicked our 19 year old out of the house last night.Im having a horrible time with this. My son was brought up in the church but has always hated the gospel. He has thrown fits and hit and punched walls in the house cusses like a sailor. We told him it's time to stop.He didn't stop. There is no peace in our home with him there. I hope I did the right thing.

[pam]

He's 19 and 19 year olds want to consider themselves adult. They then need to act like it. If he is disrepecting not only you but your home itself...perhaps it was time for him to go out on his own and learn to grow up. I would do the same thing in your situation as hard as it might be.

[Gwen]

we had a boy talk about his mom on mother's day. he's older primary, so 9 or 10 maybe. anyway, he says something like..... other kids at school have mom's that let them do whatever they want. they don't do their homework and stay up late and are always tired and never do very good in school. i'm glad my mom makes me do things and gets onto me.

sometimes the truth comes from the young ones. though we all laughed and i think she was a bit embarrassed, he spoke truth. sometimes being a mom isn't easy. sometimes the right thing, what a good mom does, is make the kids do things, get onto them, expect them to become all that mom knows they can be.

ask your husband for a blessing? the priesthood and blessings of comfort exist for a reason. may help you get through this.

[NeuroTypical]

Your house, your rules. The presence of rules does not mean you don't love him, and want what's best for him. You aren't kicking him out, he's getting himself kicked out with his immature and unacceptable behavior. "I wanna" does not make something right.

If someone ever figures out a way to get these lessons through the thick skulls of teenagers, I'd gladly give them a dollar for their secret. My turn is coming, I'm sure.

LM

[pooter1]

The only thing that bothers me is Im worried he has no where else to go. Will he come back to abide by the rules?

[Wingnut]

we had a boy talk about his mom on mother's day. he's older primary, so 9 or 10 maybe. anyway, he says something like..... other kids at school have mom's that let them do whatever they want. they don't do their homework and stay up late and are always tired and never do very good in school. i'm glad my mom makes me do things and gets onto me.

sometimes the truth comes from the young ones. though we all laughed and i think she was a bit embarrassed, he spoke truth. sometimes being a mom isn't easy. sometimes the right thing, what a good mom does, is make the kids do things, get onto them, expect them to become all that mom knows they can be.

ask your husband for a blessing? the priesthood and blessings of comfort exist for a reason. may help you get through this.

Isn't a mean mom the best kind of mom? :)

[Hemidakota]

My husband and i kicked our 19 year old out of the house last night.Im having a horrible time with this. My son was brought up in the church but has always hated the gospel. He has thrown fits and hit and punched walls in the house cusses like a sailor. We told him it's time to stop.He didn't stop. There is no peace in our home with him there. I hope I did the right thing.

Yes! You made the right decision.

Perhaps it will be a learning curve for him in reaching that state of humility. As a parent, you have grounds to set rules for those who lived in your household. Now, if they decide they choose otherwise, then by your own accord, you have that right to remove the child or person from your premise.

What is now left, is remember them in your prayers daily in founding that light of Christ.

[MissKitty]

I really think you've made the right choice. I have to admit to being a bit of a nightmare when I was 19Well to be completely honest I have mental health problems and at the time I was getting upset at the slightlest thing and non of our family knew what was wrong with me (including myself). I was so volitile, every day we'd end up having so many petty arguments. I wasn't attending church and at the time had an older boyfriend (my parents didn't aprove of) So i guess you could say I was a bit a handful. *Blush* Why am I saying all this? At 19 I left home (a descision between me, my parents and the mental health service here) and it was the best descision for me and my parents. I felt heart broken at first but I also realised there was no way life could carry on the way it was. I had to have the space to grow and find a more construction way to deal with my issues than to take it out on my poor family. Things were dead rough for the first year but my parent though I wasn't living with them any more never stopped being my parents and loving me. I was living in a shared house with other people with mental health problems and I hadn't much money. My mum and dad would come through and fill up my fridge for me. And one day I said to my dad, dad would you come to church with me again? It was the best descision I ever made! I now live in my own flat with three cats and sadly still have mental health problems but I know what those problems are now and so do my family. We have become so much closer since I left home. I really think your descision was for the best and good luck to him but please remember to let him know your still his mum and dad you still love him but living with you just won't work out (at the moment). Hope that helps and also I know if he comes back to walk in our Heavenly Fathers foot steps the blessings for him will be great. Look at me I've got my own flat and three cats *big cheesy grin* !!!

[applepansy]

Look at it this way...you didn't kick him out. He chose to not follow the house rules therefore he chose to not live there.

We don't get to choose our consequences. This will be good for him. Just remember to go out of your way to let him know you love him (which doesn't mean letting him move back in)

applepansy

[applepansy]

The only thing that bothers me is Im worried he has no where else to go. Will he come back to abide by the rules?

He has friends. He probably has friends you know nothing about. He'll be ok. Prayer and the temple prayer roll will help.

If life gets tough enough he might choose to come back. Then again this may be how he moves on and grows up. If he comes back and you let him, he may choose to not abide by the rules again. Be firm....first, you love him; second, you cannot allow his behavior in your house.

If life gets tough enough maybe he'll find a job that will support himself.

Regardless, what he will learn is that no matter where he ends up living there are rules. He will even learn that there are rules in his own home.

applepansy

[pooter1]

Thank you all for the support I hate doing this. I hope he is alright.I feel sick.

[Rico]

You have probably done all that you can do and there is probably nothing else that you can do. Still, I think it's cold and hard to just kick him out so it's not surprising that you might be worried about him.

Does he have a job? Does he have any savings? If no to these, then maybe you needed to handle things differently and it still isn't too late.

If he comes back and still doesn't want to live the rules then maybe it is time to do the right thing. Sit him down with all of the family there. Give him an envelope with money so that he doesn't leave broke. Give them him a hug and let him know that he is on his own from that moment forward. Let him know that you love him and that he is welcome back anytime he is willing to abide by new rules, including paying rent, even $50 a month is a something.

[beefche]

You have to think of your safety. Just because he's hitting walls doesn't mean that he couldn't turn and hit you or someone else in the home. It may be by accident, but hurt is hurt.

By paying his rent, you are prolonging his childhood. He is an adult and needs to realize his responsibilities. If he is working and trying to make rent and can't, then giving him money to help is different. He's showing that he's trying to be responsible and is on hard times. Not working and wandering from friend to friend is not showing responsibility--if you pay rent for him in that situation, then he will always rely on you to bail him out of his consequences.

[Misshalfway]

The only thing that bothers me is Im worried he has no where else to go. Will he come back to abide by the rules?

Well, he will have to deal with that, won't he? This may be the best thing that ever happened to him. The solutions won't come so easy as they did while mom and dad were helping him. I think the kindest thing you can do is to let those consequences play out. Hopefully, they will point him to his strength and to some humility too.

But, I know if it were me, it would be hard to watch knowing I couldn't rush out and solve it all for him. I wonder if that is why Heavenly Father weeps in the PofGP for the residue of the people. He would have gathered them, but they would not and he couldn't do anything for them at that point.

My prayers are with your son. I hope his lessons will teach him wisdom and bring him to better ways of dealing with life and anger ...and even parents.:) And I pray that you will find strength and resolve from heaven as you hand your son and his life to God in faith and trust.

Hugs.

Edited May 27, 2009 by Misshalfway

[john doe]

I don't get it. At 19, the last place I wanted to be was living at home with the parents.

He's an adult, if he has to get a job and start paying his own way he will learn to grow up and act like an adult. He may soon discover how easy he had it when you were footing the bills, and start appreciating you more. Don't let him back unless he agrees to follow the rules you set down.

[skippy740]

I was kicked out when I was 19 as well. Stayed out of the house for 3 months. It was nice to come back to VISIT with my parents - and they treated me differently because I was now a guest in their home.

I needed to be "compelled to humility" before I was allowed to come back home. It was a long road for me, but I was better off for it.

One of the conditions of coming back home was to go to church every Sunday. At the time I didn't want to, so I wore a colored shirt to show that "I'm here, but I don't wanna be". It took the EQ President to take a liking to me and keep me involved. Over time, I was the EQ secretary and later Second Counselor in the EQ Presidency - right before my mission call. I left on my mission when I was 21.

Be strong. It'll be good for him. Remember the Prodigal Son. He may be a "late bloomer" like me, so be patient.

[Guest Alana]

I once was a wayward 19 year old and I commend you in your decision. I know you're worried about him, about where he'll go, what he'll do, who he'll be with. Truthfully, it's best if things are harder for him now. It'll force him to realize how life really is. It can be filled with loving and consistent family or with friends that are there for you only when it's convenient for them. Hopefully he'll realize that how he acts influences how people act around him.

I'm glad you stood up for your rules. When I was that age I was not allowed to see my siblings and uninvited to my grandmothers funeral! Lets just say that the piercings came out quickly. The attitude took a little more time, but once I decided I wanted good things in my life, it was a million times easier because I had the example and support of my family.

Have you put his name on the temple roll?

[foreverafter]

The best response for abusive behavior is taking the perks away & not tolerating it. It is hard but consequences are the only thing that will teach him to act respectful. You can still love him & invite him for Sunday dinner if he acts respectful, but expecting respect & protecting yourself & home is vital & teaches him the importance of respect.

You may have a wonderful marriage & this may not be where the problems started. But children's abusive behavior is usually learned from one or both parents. The abused spouse is usually in denial about it & minimizes it so to not have to deal with it & confront it. Most homes have some form of abuse going on, either emotional, financial, verbal, spiritual (forcing religion), sexual, or physical. It is so common most people think of it as normal. So we must look to our own behavior to make sure we have done nothing to teach abuse & disrespect, especially between spouses. When children see that one of their parents is abused by the other they usually become insecure & model the same behavior. They either become the Preditor or the Prey. Healing our marriages is the only way to heal & teach our children.

[glow_inthe_dark_girl]

I think You made the right choice, but you have to make sure you tell him he's welcome back whenever he wants if he changes his behavior.. Also let him know you still love him, because if u dont he might take this action as an excuse to hate gospel even more..

[Hemidakota]

Seeing her last comment, I would suspect she made it a point for him that he is still love.

[pooter1]

I texted my son last and told him to call me and let me know he's alright.I got nothing back from him.I then texted him before I went to bed and told him I loved him. I got nothing back

[pam]

He is probably feeling a bit of anger right now. He's probably thinking you two are the bad guys and he was ganged up on. Give it time. It's only been a couple of days. Sometimes you really have to be kicked to the gutter before you wake up and realize that things you do require consequences. Some of them harsh. But hopefully he will come to realize that what was done was done for his benefit.

[pam]

Isn't a mean mom the best kind of mom? :)

I once mentioned to my mom that my kids at one time called me the "meanest mom in the world." My mom's response was "Good that means you are doing your job."

[Islander]

I texted my son last and told him to call me and let me know he's alright.I got nothing back from him.I then texted him before I went to bed and told him I loved him. I got nothing back

He is just angry and throwing a tantrum. He is a grown man and ought to be able to take care of himself. He will not die. If you get kidnapped by aliens tonight he will find a way to fend for himself. He HAS to.

You love him but that does not include enabling him to be rude, disrespectful and unproductive. You do not have to tolerate that in your home. Now he needs to grow up and be a man. Tell him to go join the Navy and make something of himself.

[beefche]

I texted my son last and told him to call me and let me know he's alright.I got nothing back from him.I then texted him before I went to bed and told him I loved him. I got nothing back

Yep, ditto what Islander said. These teens (and he is still a teen at 19, but old enough to fend for himself) have got manipulation down pat. He's trying to guilt you into allowing him to come home and repeat the same stuff he's been doing.

You can love your child and still require them to be responsible for themselves. And know that if something was truly wrong, the first person he would turn to is Momma (nothing can replace the comfort and safety that mom's provide).