kicked son out of house

[NeuroTypical]

Yeah, ditto what beefche and Islander said. If my parents had kicked me out at 19 and then texted me, I wouldn't have answered them either. Because I would be a selfish teenage kid with some anger to work through. The last thing on my mind would be making life easier for my parents.

LM

Edited May 28, 2009 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[ADoyle90815]

Yep, ditto what Islander said. These teens (and he is still a teen at 19, but old enough to fend for himself) have got manipulation down pat. He's trying to guilt you into allowing him to come home and repeat the same stuff he's been doing.

You can love your child and still require them to be responsible for themselves. And know that if something was truly wrong, the first person he would turn to is Momma (nothing can replace the comfort and safety that mom's provide).

I agree, if he has to struggle, he might realize how easy he had it at home, and that maybe going to church every Sunday isn't such a bad thing after all. It's a good thing that you're not enabling him, since he needs to become a man and take responsibility for his life. Even if he manages to get a job and support himself and starts going to another Christian church, it doesn't make him a bad person. After all, changing churches is a common thing for young adults.

[Moksha]

I had to do this with my oldest son, but it was due to his making life so unpleasant for us. He hated me afterward, but then he hated me before hand too. Maybe someday he will let go of it, but in the meantime life has been so much more pleasant. I felt bad about having to boot him out but my youngest child was very happy to see him go

[fish4kitty]

I have not read all the follow up replies but will say this. We have been dealing with our oldest son who like your son will not follow the simplest rules of the house. The f word comes out of him as easy as breathing. The last straw was he struck our youngest daughter in the face. Should never have had to go that far. Sometimes your best to nip this kind of behavior in the bud early. I tried but was undermind by my wife. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and stick to your guns. I put him out and my wife lets him back in. I don't sleep well.....

[Carter]

He is going to hate you guys for a while this is a given. He has a great opportunity now to choose the right path, keep a job and place to live or choose the path of anger resentment and playing the victim. Remember that you’re doing it because you love him and want him to be a responsible and it seems like this is the only way. Don't give in and let him back, all it will do is create more hate and resentment.

[skippy740]

Does he know who you are on LDS.net?

(I wonder if he would bother reading this thread. It's not exactly private, ya know.)

[hordak]

Since no one has brought this up have you tried to figure out what the problem is? Anger is a symptom of a problem and not the problem itself.

[pooter1]

I'm so afraid he will commit suicide. I am sick inside. Where is god? Where is the comfort i need inside.

[pooter1]

I realise now the gospel doesn't work for everyone. We pay full tithing and we scrimp and borrow and go to the church for help. We forced our children to go to church and it back fired on us.My son HATES the gospel.I realized last night how unhappy the gospel has made me yet I still want to follow it out of fear i think. Because I have seen it work in others. After all these years of going to the temple and paying tithing and doing ALL the callings I have been asked, their are certain people that have a different destiny and have a different lot in life no matter what they do. Noone can convince me other wise.Yet I don't want to leave the church.Something keeps me there even if Im miserable in it.

[skippy740]

No one said that living the Gospel would make everything easier or make everybody like or love you.

However, He did say it would be worth it.

(BTW, in my family growing up, Family Home Evening was the only family fight that began and ended with prayer!)

[pam]

Don't let your son' actions make you start questioning where is God. God is always there. These thoughts can be a manipulation of Satan. It's almost sounding like you are blaming God for the actions of your son. He has his agency. He can choose to be respectful to you and your home or not to. But that has nothing to do with whether God's presence is there.

[Misshalfway]

No one said that living the Gospel would make everything easier or make everybody like or love you.

However, He did say it would be worth it.

(BTW, in my family growing up, Family Home Evening was the only family fight that began and ended with prayer!)

I beg to gently differ with this one. We ARE promised that our families will be happier. We ARE told that if we magnify our callings and stay active that we will be happy. I mean, isn't that the whole point?

I think maybe what you are saying is that life isn't just about things going our way and that Father allows hardships and the failings of agency to teach and try us and that perhaps we shouldn't measure happiness based upon our circumstances. The trick in many cases for anyone anywhere on the planet is to learn to be happy in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in the many changing seasons of our life. I mean, how strong ( or happy for that matter) is someone who has everything given to them?

But, I must agree with the OP on this one. Participating in the church and the relationships that grow out of such participation hasn't exactly been the happiest of experiences for me either. And I bought the message, hook line and sinker, that if we went the gospel distance that these sorts of blessings would come to me. As I recall, many many testimony meetings and firesides were dedicated to that promise. And I must admit to feeling a little betrayed by the whole thing.

I am learning now, after much soul searching, that REAL happiness in joy lies in how we think about what we do and how we do it and now I believe that the real meaty gospel (not the culture of living the gospel or looking like we do) of Jesus Christ does have this power. It truly is about WHO WE ARE rather than what we do. It is the "who" part of us that really determines the happiness of our lives. But it has taken me a long time to sort thru it all and I don't suppose I have completely come to terms yet.

And to the OP.....I don't think your son hates the gospel. I am guessing that he hates how he feels when he can't have what he wants AND the gospel at the same time. I think he hates how he feels when he believes he has to conform to some stereotype. I think he is missing, as many do, what the gospel and participation in the church is really all about.

Edited May 29, 2009 by Misshalfway

[NeuroTypical]

I realise now the gospel doesn't work for everyone. We pay full tithing and we scrimp and borrow and go to the church for help. We forced our children to go to church and it back fired on us.My son HATES the gospel.

Goodness - what you described is most certainly NOT the gospel! The gospel is the exact opposite of force. Force was Satan's plan. "Doing a bunch of stuff because we're supposed to and then life will be good" is NOT the gospel. If someone forced that on me, I'd hate it also.

I would suggest to you, that you need to dramatically re-think a few very basic, foundational things in your life. Like "what is the gospel".

I'm so afraid he will commit suicide.

If he has made any recent threats, you should act on them, and contact a mental health organization. Has he made any threats or statements about ending his life?

[pam]

Forgive me if I am wrong..but I am starting to question as to whether the OP's intent was to show concern about a decision that was made or whether to be able to find or put some blame on a weakening testimony, lack of faith in God's presence.

I could be far off but the whole change and tone of the thread has me thinking this.

[skippy740]

Well, I agree with MissHalfway, but from my own memory, NO ONE said that they would be happier "now". I think the Gospel gives us more peace while we go through these struggles to give us a greater perspective of these struggles and hardships of this life.

BTW, these verses came to mind. I don't know if they help at all, but I think it helps us keep the proper perspective on God with our Families.

Matthew 10:34-39

34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

[Misshalfway]

Forgive me if I am wrong..but I am starting to question as to whether the OP's intent was to show concern about a decision that was made or whether to be able to find or put some blame on a weakening testimony, lack of faith in God's presence.

I could be far off but the whole change and tone of the thread has me thinking this.

I don't know if see that so much. If anything, I believe that situations like this tend to open up opportunities for everyone in the situation to learn something about themselves or take further steps towards some needed truth. I think what gets in our way is our fear or our stupid defense mechanisms as we react to what might be a really important life lesson for us. I mean we parents don't like to be wrong. We don't want to know that perhaps we made a mistake with our kids or perpetuated some tradition in thinking that wasn't correct.

I would think that it is common for one member of a families struggles to shine light on changes others need to make. I think God uses the struggles of one to teach many.

At least that has been my experience.

[Misshalfway]

Well, I agree with MissHalfway, but from my own memory, NO ONE said that they would be happier "now". I think the Gospel gives us more peace while we go through these struggles to give us a greater perspective of these struggles and hardships of this life.

BTW, these verses came to mind. I don't know if they help at all, but I think it helps us keep the proper perspective on God with our Families.

Matthew 10:34-39

34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

I think I can pick up what you are laying down.

[pam]

I don't know if see that so much. If anything, I believe that situations like this tend to open up opportunities for everyone in the situation to learn something about themselves or take further steps towards some needed truth. I think what gets in our way is our fear or our stupid defense mechanisms as we react to what might be a really important life lesson for us. I mean we parents don't like to be wrong. We don't want to know that perhaps we made a mistake with our kids or perpetuated some tradition in thinking that wasn't correct.

I would think that it is common for one member of a families struggles to shine light on changes others need to make. I think God uses the struggles of one to teach many.

At least that has been my experience.

You are probably right. It is probably just the cynicism in me at times with my experience on the board over a period of time.

[pooter1]

I know Im just horibly depressed.I lost my dad 6 months ago.Lost my son 4 nights ago. Im just sad.

[pam]

I do understand the feeling of loss. I lost my dad just 2 months ago. He was the greatest man I know.

[foreverafter]

I realise now the gospel doesn't work for everyone. We pay full tithing and we scrimp and borrow and go to the church for help. We forced our children to go to church and it back fired on us.My son HATES the gospel.I realized last night how unhappy the gospel has made me yet I still want to follow it out of fear i think.

The Gospel does work for everyone, we just need to make sure we are living it the right way. To do it the wrong way, as so many do, can bring negative feelings. If you feel like you have forced the Gospel on your children, don't be too hard on yourself, most parents do this to some degree for it's hard to know at what age to let them have their full agency. Remember, even Prophets have had children who rebeled against the Gospel. Lehi & Sariah were brought down almost to their death beds because of their sons unrighteousness. It is hard for any parent to see their children reject the gospel.

Even if you forced the issue of religion alittle too much, children still have their agency to act respectful or not, his actions are more his choosing then your doing. No matter what parents do children still are accountable for choosing right, especially as they get into their 20's & can judge the good & bad better of what their parents did. He is probably just angry & confused right now & in time he will stand on his own & find who he is & someday remember the things you tried to teach him & it will help him then. Don't give up hope, all is not lost. No parents are perfect. Give him time & don't be so hard on yourself. Do what you can & leave the rest to Heavenly Father. Your son is in good hands.

[pam]

Remember, even Prophets have had children who rebeled against the Gospel.

Another example in more modern times would be President Benson. He has a grandson who is extremely vocal against the LDS Church. Even the best have their difficulties and struggles.

[applepansy]

I know Im just horibly depressed.I lost my dad 6 months ago.Lost my son 4 nights ago. Im just sad.

I understand your feelings of grief. I lost my oldest son at age 15 when he ran away and when I realized I hadn't really lost him...he was killed in a car accident at age 21.

Your son is not dead. You have not "lost" him. I know how you're feeling but truly you haven't lost him. He'll be backand and he'll give you a hug again. He still loves you and you still love him.

Try to have the faith to let Heavenly Father work with your son for awhile.

(((hugs)))

Applepansy

EDIT: Elder Scott's son was rebellious too. He spoke about it frequently in conference several years ago. Our children have their agency and we cannot change that whether we try too hard or don't try hard enough.

Edited May 29, 2009 by applepansy

[skalenfehl]

I'm an adoptive father who took two hellions into my home, gave them a chance at life and introduced them to the gospel. I weened them away from the "entitlement mentality" and eventually kicked both boys out of the house. They still come home and call me. They tell me "I love you dad". Both are surviving on their own and one will soon be married. You made the right choice. Your son will learn some hard lessons and what you taught him in his youth will be the rock that he holds on to if and when he hits rock bottom. He will come home eventually.

[gloriafernandez]

Thanks for the posts. It really gave a Relief that I am not the only one that has these kind of problems. I recently kick my 21 year old son out of my son despite the many opportunities I gave him. I am single and live by myself and he vandalized some of my house decor including my car windshield before he left. I am really dissapointed and hurt.