Marriage Counseling Advice

[JackDonakey]

Foreverafter - I really appreciated your post and it really helped me over the weekend. I will continue to serve her to the Nth degree and give her opportunities to serve me. We had a good weekend overall. I took your advice on Friday night and asked for a hand rub while we laid in bed watching the news. To my surprise, she obliged! :)

[JackDonakey]

True. A good therapist is grounded in theory. We know how to listen, how to build rapport, and when and how to place an intervention. I'm trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and tend to use it as my primary. However, I also use Solution Focus therapy, EMDR, and other approaches as indicated by what the client(s) need. Ryan is spot on with many of his comments. Sometimes you have to try out several therapist before you find a match that fits the situation and the people involved.

OP, I hope you and your wife find the healing you need. Don't give up. Have your wife get a physcial exam as well. There may be an underlying physical issue such as anemia, hormonal, or thyroid issues. Also, explore the possibility of depression. There is a long term, low level, chronic form of depression called dythimia. It is often missed in diagnosis, as it does not present exactly like the major depressive disorders that are commonly seen. People with dysthymia can be very functional, do well in school and profession, but just feel an underlying sadness and discontent.

Thanks! I did bring up the idea she may be suffering from some kind of depression. She jokingly laughed and agreed she may be depressed but blamed it on a few things (recent weight gain and some physical problems she's upset about). I mentioned that the depression may be the cause of her perceived lack of a connection with me and her weight gain. She maintained the weight gain and the lack of a connection are the cause of the depression.

I have been doing a lot of research online about depression and I really, honestly believe she is suffering from a low to moderate form of it. I don't think that is our only problem but it is definately a part of it.

[Mason]

Thanks! I did bring up the idea she may be suffering from some kind of depression. She jokingly laughed and agreed she may be depressed but blamed it on a few things (recent weight gain and some physical problems she's upset about). I mentioned that the depression may be the cause of her perceived lack of a connection with me and her weight gain. She maintained the weight gain and the lack of a connection are the cause of the depression.

I have been doing a lot of research online about depression and I really, honestly believe she is suffering from a low to moderate form of it. I don't think that is our only problem but it is definately a part of it.

Weight gain and physical problems may also be a symptom, not the problem.

[JackDonakey]

Agreed. Although the physical problems are not likely a result of depression as she can't help them. They were botched procedures done on her years ago that are no causing issues.

[Mason]

Agreed. Although the physical problems are not likely a result of depression as she can't help them. They were botched procedures done on her years ago that are no causing issues.

Well that's not good. I hope you find a good therapist who can help your wife work through her problems to a blissful result. :)

[fhaye]

A “good therapist” encourages a misconception: the thought that there is such a thing as untainted good therapist, a development excused of any problems or issues. In the same way that a healthy marriage is not one without dilemmas, but relatively one that works through problems – so is good therapy. No therapist is perfect and no therapy can be offered perfectly, no matter how ultimate a therapy may be in theory. Even those therapists, who do the best they can to be aware of their inner world and familiar to the healing process, have aspects they are unaware of, pieces of themselves unhealed, and mistakes they make. Good therapy is the sum of all the experiences, internal and external, occurring as a result of the imperfect treatment process; and it directs toward self-awareness, growth, and the discharge of extreme feelings and beliefs. And what a blessing it is that even the best therapy can be lined with areas of unawareness, mistakes, challenges to the therapeutic relationship, and yet still turns out good…like a marriage... Think of the wonderful repairs you and your life partner may have created, the main dilemmas you’ve worked out with friends, and perhaps the repairs you’ve made in therapy with the people you work with.

Here is something for you to read all about marriage and family therapist:

What is Marriage and Family Therapy

[unixknight]

From the very little you have mentioned, it would seem appropriate that she be screened for depression. Just a guess from several hints in what you write.

Hear that, my friends? That's the sound of the nail being hit squarely on the head.

Having been through Depression myself, I can tell you that's exactly what it sounds like.

If that's indeed the case, then it has to be treated. No amount of doing warm fuzzy things for her will help, nor will being extra nice, buying her gifts. trying to re-ignite the "spark, " or anything else. Depression is the result of chemical imbalances in the brain, and an extra box of chocolates isn't going to fix it.

(I know chocolate triggers an endorphine rush, but you know what I mean )

Edited October 8, 2009 by unixknight

[Moksha]

I just sent you a pm with the possible name of someone.

So did I. Bet my referral can beat up your referral.

[jenniesteve]

Having been through Depression due to strain in relation ship. Then one must take help of Couple Therapist it is beneficial.

[davismoore]

Yes if there is a strain in your relationship then to sort out one must seek a counseling.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Just another perspective on LDS Social Services--

Maybe some people have had a good experience with the therapists at LDS Social Services, but from my perspective and experience it was bad news. I chose to see a therapist there for a marital issue I have going on, but the therapist encouraged me to do something very questionable and he kept encouraging me in the wrong way, even though I protested. I was in tears, left the office, and got my money back. Maybe he was trying reverse psychology, but it was terrible! Maybe that place would work for you, but I found it to be quite hellish. Just because the organization says, "LDS" in it, doesn't mean it's necessarily good all the time.

[Backroads]

Just another perspective on LDS Social Services--

Maybe some people have had a good experience with the therapists at LDS Social Services, but from my perspective and experience it was bad news. I chose to see a therapist there for a marital issue I have going on, but the therapist encouraged me to do something very questionable and he kept encouraging me in the wrong way, even though I protested. I was in tears, left the office, and got my money back. Maybe he was trying reverse psychology, but it was terrible! Maybe that place would work for you, but I found it to be quite hellish. Just because the organization says, "LDS" in it, doesn't mean it's necessarily good all the time.

Indeed, it's made up of individual counselors with their own ideas that might work for some but not all individuals.

[adeline]

Hi there, I am in the same boat but reversed--I am the woman. My husband whose pretty close now to becoming my ex in a couple of months has been showing the same signs. I was suffering and still am from depression. I pushed him away, and showed no affection toward him then I got some pro therapy and take medication. He went into the arms of a co-worker and now addicted to porn. I pray for strength daily. So, my suggestion is that I now crave affection, romance, and attention which he was good when we started out and then after say three years everything went downhill.

In this relatinship for over 15 years now. I think it's time to throw in my towel though.

Mentally exhausted--trying to do things i enjoy, but just wanting the giddiness and feeling like i'm in Love never felt that before.

[applepansy]

I got more from a two evening class by Dr. Douglas Brinley than I did from the LCSW at LDS social services.

He's written great books. I've felt the way you describe your wife's feelings. I did two things: told my husband and then I changed my attitude and expectations. Two things happened: My husband stepped up and started acting like the best friend I married and I forgave him and stopped expecting him to make me happy.

We are all responsible for our own happiness. Expecting someone else to "make' us happy is setting the other person up to fail.

Best Wishes.

Edited March 2, 2011 by applepansy
added first name

[LDSVALLEY]

My wife has told me she feels no connection towards me. She loves me but does not feel that "connection" that she says married couples should feel.

We've been married 14+ years, have two beautiful daughters, active in church, etc. There is no really big problem with the marriage (infidelity, abuse, drugs) and we both have a good level of mutual respect for each other.

She does not show me any kind of affection unless it's in response to mine and even then it's half-hearted.

We saw a marriage counselor back in the Spring and it helped some, mostly got us through the summer but we're back to the stage where she cries on occasion because of our situation. She's told me she feels lonely and alone in the situation.

I do not think she wants a divorce nor do I think a separation or divorce is imminent but I do think that if we continue on our path that it could happen.

She and I are not sold on our past therapist and are looking for someone new and possibly not a marriage therapist but a personal therapist for my wife but could go either way with a pesonal or marriage counselor. My wife feels the problem is with her and not me. She has said that perhaps she has emotional or psychiatric problems she needs to address. I'm not convinced of that. She says the problem has nothing to do with me...that I'm a kind, loving, good father, husband and good man in general.

I would like to find a therapist that has a foundation in the gospel but not necessarily someone who works for the church or is overly "churchy" in their approach.

We have not spoken with our Bishop about this yet but I plan to speak with him just to give him the heads up and ask for his thoughts.

Does anyone have any advice for me or know of someone in the Salt Lake Valley they would recommend to help my wife either find her love for me, help her reconnect with me or just give her and us good advice and practices for how we can build that connection.

Thanks

Didn't have time to read all the replies, ,have to leave for work in 15min.

love is a verb and a noun. We are in the state of love (noun) after we have been loved or love (verb). Often people feel they are no longer in love (noun) because either they or the other person has stopped the active role of love (verb).

The seven habits of highly effective families (Steven R Covey) explains this very well and I guarantee the solutions it gives work.

My wife and i have been married for 161/2 years. At times we grow distant as the stresses of life are on us. We get into dump arguments about nothing etc. One of us will have enough and will start to love the other no matter what the provocation of the other one is.

I testify it can be hard when you get in the defensive mode or the what's the point mode to force yourself to ignore indifference or annoyance and force yourself to show large amounts of love.

But every single time one of us has started this after two weeks it has become natural again for both of us to show love to each other. Even when we both know what the other person is doing it still works.

READ THE BOOK

LOVE YOUR WIFE as a VERB and she will love you as a NOUN in time.

[beefche]

Just so everyone realizes--this is a zombie thread. The OP is from 2.5 years ago.

[Wingnut]

Just so everyone realizes--this is a zombie thread. The OP is from 2.5 years ago.

Those trolls get someone every time, don't they?

[slamjet]

Just so everyone realizes--this is a zombie thread. The OP is from 2.5 years ago.

I am sooooo tempted to find the oldest post and bump it with a gem of wisdom, but even that would be overly obnoxious for my taste

[ryanh]

I am sooooo tempted to find the oldest post and bump it with a gem of wisdom, but even that would be overly obnoxious for my taste

The post wasn't for the benefit of the thread. Only for the self-benefit of the poster. It is a way of generating your own links to a site to improve search engine rankings. So, the bump was a spam, not any meaningful post.

[slamjet]

The post wasn't for the benefit of the thread. Only for the self-benefit of the poster. It is a way of generating your own links to a site to improve search engine rankings. So, the bump was a spam, not any meaningful post.

Soooo,I can improve my lot in life if I dig up old posts

I jest, I didn't know that zombie posting actually helped anyone in any way. I also thought that the "linking" way of raising your rating was done away with because of all the abuse. Interesting.