Recently found out husband is having an affair

[Unshaken]

Last Sunday, my husband confessed to me that he is having an affair and was going to leave me. We talked it out all night and all next day, and he has decided to stay with his family and has realized what he has done. He is repentant, and we have gone to the Bishop to start a repentance process. We have been married in the Temple, so they will need to have a counsel.

This whole time I have been very loving and supportive, and have pushed the adversary to keep him at bay so that I may not be filled with the pain and anger of it all. I have been advised by some that I should let myself feel the anger and pain to get it out of me, but I feel that is exactly what the adversary wants... then he knows he has my attention and can present even more anger and negativity to my mind.

Are my friends right, and I need to vent anger for mental health? Or do I keep it as far away from me as possible as to not incite the powers of Satan? Am I looking at this wrong? Believe me, the thoughts creep in, but I hear Primary hymns being sung in my head, and it helps tremendously.

I was told this is a grieving process by my Bishop. But going through that process may end up destroying me, and I feel my main purpose at this point is to be full of love and support for my husband and children.

Are there any thoughts on this? Thanks so much in advance, as this is all very new to me... obviously...

[lost87]

I don't really have any advice I can offer you, I just wanted to let you know that after reading your post I cam to one conclusion, You are amazing.

[NeuroTypical]

This whole time I have been very loving and supportive, and have pushed the adversary to keep him at bay so that I may not be filled with the pain and anger of it all.

So, I've never been in your position, but it occurs to me that God put us together in such a way that we often feel pain and anger when a loved one betrays us. If you've got it inside you, but aren't letting it out, that worries me.

Ignoring truth just never seems to be a good idea.

In related news, a lady I was dating had experienced some serious trauma at the hands of another. She had a bunch of rage about it. She was helping me remodel a bathroom, which involved removing a wall. She tells me she had a very cleansing time bashing the wall to little pieces with a hammer. 13 years later, she's still grateful she was able to take out her rage on that wall.

LM

[annamaureen]

All I can say is, you're a far more composed woman than me!

[nbblood]

I think each of us deal with hurt, anger, and betrayal in our own unique ways. What is healthy for one may not be for another. I certainly admire the approach you have taken and I think if it works for you that's wonderful. I just think that if you find emotions bottled inside you, you need to confide and talk with some sort of counseler. It may be your Bishop, a friend, a relative, or a professional. I'd say as long as you are able to deal with the situation your way and you feel good about it, then that's what will help. I think not wanting or being able to talk about the situation may be an indicator that emotions are getting the best of you. Let that be your warning. Don't hesitate to seek help. Don't feel like you are alone, without help. Certainly don't think it's your fault.

I wish you the very best in overcoming this obstacle.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional or a counseler or anything like that. I'm just an individual with a respect for your situation and an opinion. That's all it is.

[noche10]

unshaken ,

i feel ur pain and agony , i too iam there now but its a lil differnt my husbang confessed a month a go of going to a spa. and wanted a divorce ( he said he was unhappy with our mairrge ) now he is batleing a porn addiction and the option of divorce is still in his head . i too heve been supportive and loveing and have been keeping satan away...... but it does crip up and sometimes i want to scream and tell him how angry i am.. but mostly i am worried for him to be able to feel godly sorrow and to go thru a repentance prosess.... we are still waiting for the dicipline councel---- all i can say is pray and let the lord guide you ..... u and u alone know what is best for you and what god whats u to learn and gain from this ....... if u ever do feel like screaming do it ... but stop as soon as u feel its right ..... dont let satan take control of ur emotions ..... at this time u are the one with the holy gohst and god may be helping ur husban thru u

much luck

[Tarnished]

As my husband and I have discussed on this forum before, we have gone through similar circumstances, except for us it was the reverse, I commited adultery and he forgave me. He was much like you, wanting to love and forgive me in the face of what I had done. He tried to stay possitive around me even though I could tell he was very angry and upset about the whole thing. In the end I found him an outlet. I knew a guy at my work who was already friends with my husband, this man had been married to a woman who had cheated on him multiple times before she left him for her new boyfriend. He was not a member of our church but he is a very Christian man and he had come to the point where he had forgiven his wife. I asked him if he would be willing to hang out with my husband and he agreed. They would go out together for boy's nights out and my husband would vent and get his feelings out. It helped a lot for him. I think you need to find someone like that for you. You need to be able to get your feelings out, but you need to do it with someone who will help to put you in a good mind frame for your marriage as well.

[RachelleDrew]

I've been through the same thing, although my husband wasn't repentant about it at the time.

Everyone deals with news of this caliber in a different way. Don't let anyone tell you that your behavior is not normal or bad. With the exception of bringing self-destruction upon yourself, there is no wrong way to grieve the death of your marriage. Which is exactly what it is, the relationship that existed previously no longer exists. That can either be a positive thing or a negative thing, because with the right work you and your husband may be able to create a marriage that is even better than before the affair.

Use this time to enter counseling and open the lines of communication with your spouse. You certainly should be angry and sad simultaneously, and you should express that in one way or another. It doesn't mean you have to scream and wail and beat your husband up like many of your friends may think you should(even though you may want to). There are plenty of ways to let your husband know how you feel without burying him under the weight of your emotion, and you have to find those outlets in order to help your marriage survive. A counselor will help you find those methods and help you figure out what works for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how badly it hurts. Just be thankful that your husband is repentant and wants to make up for his mistake. It takes a great man to stand up and admit his mistakes and ask for help to rectify them. It takes an equally great woman to recognize that in her spouse and try and help him instead of tear him down out of her own pain. What a wonderful woman you are!

[mlbrowninwa]

A few months ago I found out that my wife was having, shall we say an inappropriate relationship with a man she worked with. Going on four months later we are still together and trying to work through that and some other problems that came to light at about the same time. I did not keep things bottled up and found a couple good friends to confide in during that first month or so. It really helped to be able to talk to someone about it and what I was feeling. I'm not going to tell you that everything clears up in a hurry, I broke down and cried for the better part of an hour yesterday afternoon, but I will say that it becomes easier as time passes.

If nothing else, it got us talking and right now we are having a wonderful time together. I still don't fully trust her, but it's returning with time. Above all try to stay strong, keep the communication open and talk to him when you need to. Pray to Heavenly Father for guidance and he will help you through this trial. As mentioned above, you may have a stronger marriage after you make it through this. My prayers are with you.

[Guest mirancs8]

I have been through a similar situation and he wasn't allowing me to have my time to be angry with him which made me more angry (he acted as if nothing happened and acted as if I was the issue). He really could have cared less if I was mad or not. Your situation is different. Obviously you both love each other and you should be able to successfully work through this hump in your lives. I think it's great. If I had a husband that was repentant as yours is I most likely would have done the same thing you did.

BUT as the others are saying we each have our way of dealing with these issues. I myself have to be given the opportunity to get mad. For my own mental health I just couldn't hold it in. I believe if my spouse did that to me I have the right to have my time to be mad about it so that I can go through my own forgiving process.

I think it's great that you have a husband who was honest and is having accountability to what he did to you and your relationship.

[Guest Alana]

You just found out. If this is what you need to be able to deal with it, why not? My thoughts are there will be time for anger and pain if that's what you'll need to feel at some point. I've had well meaning friends be wrong about what was right for me, and I've had Bishops counsel not be what it seemed at the beginning (his words stuck in my mind and were just what I needed later). Right now you're dealing with the logistics of all this, as long as keeping your emotions in check isn't impairing your ability to think logically, why not follow this path? Humans are individuals and it's ok to be on the fridge of what's 'normal'.

[Vanhin]

No one would blame you if you were outwardly angry and a little irrational. However, even though it is painful, I say stick with not letting anger get the best of you, like you have thus far. Regardless of what happens, maintaining your cool will allow you to stay clear headed and rational throughout the process.

That doesn't mean you don't cry and that you are not hurt. It simply means you have something he didn't have... self control.

Regards,

Vanhin

Edited February 6, 2010 by Vanhin

[ladykemma2]

Last Sunday, my husband confessed to me that he is having an affair and was going to leave me. We talked it out all night and all next day, and he has decided to stay with his family and has realized what he has done. He is repentant, and we have gone to the Bishop to start a repentance process. We have been married in the Temple, so they will need to have a counsel.

This whole time I have been very loving and supportive, and have pushed the adversary to keep him at bay so that I may not be filled with the pain and anger of it all. I have been advised by some that I should let myself feel the anger and pain to get it out of me, but I feel that is exactly what the adversary wants... then he knows he has my attention and can present even more anger and negativity to my mind.this is not the adversary. it is normal human experience to feel anger and pain and if you don't i would worry that there is something wrong with you. do you know about the concept of religious addiction? look it up. religious addicts use religion to avoid pain or to avoid feeling feelings . and this is a painful experience. I think you are still in the numb shock phase and believe me, pretty soon you will be smashing dishes against the wall.

Are my friends right, and I need to vent anger for mental health? Or do I keep it as far away from me as possible as to not incite the powers of Satan? being angry is not invoking the powers of satan. even jesus got angry and sad.Am I looking at this wrong? Believe me, the thoughts creep in, but I hear Primary hymns being sung in my head, and it helps tremendously.religious addiction... or numb, denial and shock phase.

I was told this is a grieving process by my Bishop. But going through that process may end up destroying me, and I feel my main purpose at this point is to be full of love and support for my husband and children.your husband should be providing love and support for YOU.

Are there any thoughts on this? Thanks so much in advance, as this is all very new to me... obviously...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Edited February 6, 2010 by ladykemma2

[Elphaba]

When my husband had an affair I took up golf.

Most people swear after they've made a bad shot. I swore before, as in "You . . . !" WHAM!

I'm not saying you should do the same, but I'm also not being flippant. The physical release was far more therapeutic than any crying, screaming or other emotional outbursts I engaged in.

Elphaba

[momoftwobabies]

You just found out so I think you will be in a state of shock and possibly denial for a while. I have been through it as well. It takes a long time to heal but it can happen. You and your husband need to go to a counselor. It helps a lot. There is also a group on this wesite called Surviving Inflidelty. There are a lot of us and it's nice to vent and get advise from others who know your pain!

[fitastashia]

I would like to thank you for all of your post.....

It has been 4 weeks today that I found out that my husband was having an affair online, and although there was no physical contact, there were many explicit emails.

He was very sneaky and tried to avoid detection, I am very good at "spying" and was able to find out.

We had a huge smack down. I love him. I wanted this to work out, not only for us but for our kids. I was willing to change and return passion to our relationship, but he had let me read everything that was written and to never come to the site again, or contact her.

I believe that there are many force that aided us to where were are now. We are TALKING, which was a huge issue. We are affectionate, to the point that the kids are giving us a hard time. He has gone to the Bishop(on his own) and is on the road to repentance.

But I always have in the back of my mind " Is he thinking of her".

The Bishop told us to put this behind us and go forward from this day forth..... But I am having a hard time. The hurt is still so really. When does it stop.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think the post above starts to answer the Opening Post. My wife had an emotional affair, and it hurt me as well, so I partly understand. My view -- you have to let yourself feel angry, to experience the hurt, etcetera, and if that means venting to someone who cares and will listen -- then so be it. In my view, you have to let yourself feel those things so you can move past them, otherwise, they come out in an uncontrollable flood at a later time.

However, you must also have coping mechanisms that prevent you from allowing the hurt and anger to turn to bitterness, man-hating, etcetera. This comes through prayer, which can take away bad feelings. You will also have to put the brakes on letting that period of anger and hurt last for a long time. At some point, you'll have to make the decision to move past it, and this will mean controlling your thoughts. The primary hymn is a good way, as well as taking a deep breath, and then moving into a new position physically. Also, it helps to write out a script of the attitudes you want to hold, to condition your thoughts when you find them spiralling into negative thinking and emotion.

It also comes from making investments in your marriage and working with your husband to restore trust.

I trust my wife again, and it came after I really made more investments in our marriage so she had her needs met. Now, am I taking the blame for what happened? No, but I do feel that when spouses go outside the marriage for emotional fulfillment, it means that means was lacking in the marriage somehow. That was true in my case. So I had to learn to listen more, and meet those other needs she had to turn her affections toward me again. They did in fact turn to me again, and things improved. I no longer feel angry at her or hurt; I just feel glad that I did what was necessary to salvage the marriage.

I suggest you look at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and find the emotional needs questionnaire. Do it with your husband to find out what needs he has, and what he's missing. He will learn the same about you, and then you can learn to meet each others needs, and restore trust.

The hurt will probably be present in varying degrees for a long time, but eventually time will wear it away. That's been my experience.

[Guest mkevesdy]

You should be open to counseling. Your husbanc should seek help as well. Most affairs are not about sexual relations as they are about low self esteem and a strong need to fill a void. That void is not your fault and your husband is fully responsible for the choice he made. The atonement can work for the both of you.

[FairChild]

Don't worry about your friend's advice, so what you have to do remembering it will take both marriage partners working together to rebuild and strengthen your marriage. If you don't journal, now is an excellent time to start. Also if you have good mental health professionals to work with, please do you. A lot of damage has been done and everyone, including your children will need to heal. FC

[baver3]

Its okay if thats how you are dealing with this affair right now. Do what feels right to you.

I hope you realize, however, that at SOME point in the future you WILL have to deal with some of those 'darker' emotions. And that is OKAY.

My only advice to you is to start going and seeing a counselor and/or therapist. They might be more insightful to this.

I, too, think you are A M A Z I N G and so well composed. It is good to be strong right now. Your husband probably really needs you. I am so happy for you that he is repentant and still loves you. That is a wonderful thing. Try to focus on the positive points. It sounds like thats what you are already doing.

[Guest Goose]

Unshaken,

I would disagree with your friends. My case was that my wife had the affair and we are now separated completely although not yet divorced. If you can possibly avoid the anger, hurt and bitterness you will be much better of, but that is hard to do. In my case I couldn't do it and it affected everything else I did in life like work and church service and it's something I regret today.

Also if at all possible try to avoid those probing questions about his affair or about the sin itself. It doesn't do anyone any good to remember what is bad. Hopefully you can look forward to the future and to a brighter future and not look back. All the best..