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Feel Feeling guilty wanting a divorce (never was in love)


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#1 rochphoto

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 10:11 AM

Hi,

I need some other perspectives. I have been going through counceling for 19 months. Talked with my family and the bishop. I just feel guilty and confused.

My problem is I let my low self esteme and guilt for letting this guy go all the way with me into getting married with him. When he perposed to me I was screaming inside"NO!", But I did it anyway. It is a temple marriage. I thought having kids I would grow to be in love with him. But it just made it worse. My stomach has hurt for the past 9 years. I feel I wasted my life. I prayed and feel good about going through a divorce. I told all this to my Bishop and he made me feel guilty for tring to brack up a temple marriage. I feel dead inside. I want to be able to look at my spouse and be inlove. I have been in love before but he wasn't a member so I didn't let it go very far. I'm I wrong to want to be in love with your spouse. I feel everyone doesn't believe me that I was never in love. But it is sad and true.

I have a strong testamony of the church and that adds to my guilt for ending the marriage. Why can't I have love in a marriage?

Love to know anyone's thought's on this.

Thanks,

Rochelle

#2 anatess

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 10:30 AM

Rochelle,

Just something to think about:
Maybe you just need a redefinition of LOVE.

I've been married 13 years and I can tell you straight up - at least 5 of those years, I was ready to strangle my husband. My husband will tell you the exact same thing - he was ready to strangle me too.

Love is not just a feeling, Rochelle. It is a DECISION. When you decided to have sex with him, you must have felt something there to go that far. Therefore, unless you were forced into having sex, you made a decision to love him at that moment. When you had your child, you made a decision to love your child. It doesn't just happen automagically because you are the mother.

It is the same with my husband. When we got married - I DECIDED to love him. Not just then, but until forever. That's why even if he, for some reason, grows 3 legs and a horn, I would still love him. Because, I made that decision. The only way I can un-love him - is if I DECIDED I don't love him anymore.

So, why would I decide that I don't love him anymore? The main reason would be - to have an opportunity to love somebody else. Well, the thing is - there are tons of guys out there better than my husband in some ways. But, would my marriage to them be any BETTER? Nope. Because, the grass is not greener on the other side. It is only greener in the side I water.

So what is LOVE?

Giddy, giggly, knees turn to jelly - is this love?
Enjoying the same movies, enjoying the same activities - is this love?
Romantic moments, talking for hours on end - is this love?
Having great sex - is this love?

Dying on the cross. That is love.

Hope this helps somehow. Good luck.

#3 rameumptom

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 11:24 AM

I agree with Anatess. Do not confuse romantic puppy love that you read about in bodice rippers with true love.

Love is a decision and a commitment. Love is a covenant. It is to look at your spouse and decision to marry with all their flaws, and say definitively that you made the right choice. Your stomach hurts because you are allowing Satan to drive a wedge in your covenant.

Unless your husband is abusive or truly is neglecting you in a severe way, then you have no Godly reason to leave him. And this becomes even more true if you have children.

I suggest you read the book, "Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. He teaches how we can use our brain power to rewire our brains into a more positive attitude, and to teach ourselves joy and love through that effort.

There is no guarantee that you will find romantic love in another relationship. And if you do, there is no guarantee that it will last. Reality shows that once divorced, your odds of being divorced again and again, greatly increase. Why? Because you teach yourself that it is okay to flit around from relationship to relationship, looking for a fairy tale.

The reality is, marriage is hard. It takes true commitment to marriage to make it work. It sounds like you have spent years in this relationship only half-heartedly there. How unfair to your husband! You covenanted with him and God to give your all to this marriage, and then you waste years pining for another relationship? Why not spend that kind of energy in changing your attitude and fixing this relationship instead?

Again, unless he is an ogre, you have no right to break the covenant. And you will have no guarantee that you'll find "true love". Why? Because true love means sticking with your spouse and covenant through thick and thin. It means dealing with the tough times, as well as the good. It means fixing yourself, not your spouse.

I hope you really think long and hard concerning these things. Covenants are extremely important things, and should not be broken lightly. And love is a very important thing that should not be confused with Hollywood fairy tales. Christ showed true love to everyone, even those who crucified him (Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do). Do we have such love for our spouses? If not, then perhaps the problem lies within us and our false ideals, rather than with our spouse or the covenant.
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#4 Bini

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 01:50 PM

Did I read this right: You were NEVER in love?


Are you saying you merely "went along" with the motions of marriage and having children but never loved your spouse? If that is the case, you've put yourself in a situation that is going to be very hard to resolve. But I can tell you this much, it's possible to learn to love. Even if you genuinely don't or never have loved your husband, you can learn to love him now. Like already mentioned, if the marriage is not abusive, you have plenty of reason to make this work.


Best of luck.

No more dancing candy cane - hurrah!


#5 NeuroTypical

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 02:30 PM

I thought having kids I would grow to be in love with him.
...
I feel I wasted my life.

Wait - are you saying that you have kids? And that in having a family and in serving their needs, you've somehow 'wasted your life'?

If there are kids involved, it's not about how good you feel about being married. It's about meeting the needs of the lives you've chosen to create. You accepted the duty of caring for them until they're up and out - you don't get to ditch that duty just because you're not feeling in love with your husband.

Kids from split homes have higher chances of committing crimes, getting pregnant out of wedlock, and living in poverty. You will train them how to act in a marriage, by how you choose to deal with your current situation. Do you want them getting divorced when they're not happy, or do you want them sticking it out and making things work?

Choose wisely.
If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack, to sit in the synagogue and pray.
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall.
And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

Ohhh....
If I were a rich man...

#6 rochphoto

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 05:10 PM

Thanks for all your responses. It helps. I will look at the resources you gave. Thanks!

To clearify, I was weak I thought no one I would love would love me back in that same way. I was scared to be alone my whole life. This guy came we talked for 20 min. Then he stared to kiss me and it went to far. I didn't like him I felt guilty I let him go to far with me. I didn't want to marry him but did it out of lonlyness and guilt. I have never felt anything for him. I hate to kiss and everything else with him. I have to think of old boy friends I had loved in my past in order to kiss him. I feel guilty for that. I had kids in thinking it would develope love. But it made things worse. I have been going to a conslor for 19 months. He doesn't believe me that I never loved this guy. But it is true. I spent 9 years trying to love him. I can't. I think it either is there or it is not. I see other couples in love and you can tell they love each other. I just want that I want to look in the eyes of my husband and know we love each other. Having our awkward moments or our favorite moments together. I am mad at myself for giving up and settleing.

#7 rochphoto

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 05:30 PM

I am not saying serving my kids needs is a wast of my time. I wasted my life and time with someone I never had a emotional connection. I let my low self worth decide to just let a guy do what ever, that it didn't matter.

The effects of being married to someone you never had any feelings for have left me mean and grumpy. I know it would be better for my kids if I wasn't mean and grumpy. I don't see any other way. I can not see how you can force emotional connection between any two people. I am not asking for a crazy head over heals love. I am just wanting a feeling that I really enjoy this persons company. I am sick of taking out my frustration out on my kids and husband. I know no one is perfect. If I knew one moment with this guy I was inlove with him then I could make it work. I know I never loved this guy. I feel I was forced into marriage. I didn't have a say in this relationship.

#8 Bini

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 07:34 PM

I am not saying serving my kids needs is a wast of my time. I wasted my life and time with someone I never had a emotional connection. I let my low self worth decide to just let a guy do what ever, that it didn't matter.

The effects of being married to someone you never had any feelings for have left me mean and grumpy. I know it would be better for my kids if I wasn't mean and grumpy. I don't see any other way. I can not see how you can force emotional connection between any two people. I am not asking for a crazy head over heals love. I am just wanting a feeling that I really enjoy this persons company. I am sick of taking out my frustration out on my kids and husband. I know no one is perfect. If I knew one moment with this guy I was inlove with him then I could make it work. I know I never loved this guy. I feel I was forced into marriage. I didn't have a say in this relationship.



How were you forced into marriage? Low self-esteem may make one feel they deserve less or nothing at all but we have the power to choose otherwise. Unless a gun was put to your head (or some other forcible scenario), you had a choice and you said "I do". It's clear you regret your decision to marry but to say you were "forced" into it is a cop-out. Own your consequences.


You CAN learn to love—anybody. If we can learn to love our enemies, we can certainly learn to love our spouse, regardless of how impossible that may seem. You mentioned that you have gone to counseling for 19 months? Is this something your husband can participate in as well? Perhaps couple counseling is more productive than individual counseling?


Just some thoughts.

No more dancing candy cane - hurrah!


#9 prisonchaplain

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 08:56 PM

The consensus here is that you should gut it out and will-power your love for this man you have kids and history with. Yet, you have zero feelings for him. If pushed, you might even say your are repulsed. You may fear that chemically, biologically, you just do not have it within you to love him.

First, perhaps there is some repenting to do here. You felt guilty for going too far. Maybe you still do. So, repent. And if you have done that, believe that God has forgiven you. This is faith. Faith without works may be dead, but works without faith is arrogance--a denial of the atonement. So truly believe that God loves you and forgives you.

And then...back to this guy you say you do not have physical attraction to. Your love is not sufficient? Then ask for it. "Heavenly Father, you are love. Fill me with love for this man. I pledged myself to him in your name. Now, in your name, empower me to fulfill the promise. Help me to give myself to him in the way I promised to."

Find some trusted friends in the Lord to pray with you. Perhaps you'll not tell them specifically what for...just say you need more love. Hope this helps.

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." -- Lord Acton


#10 NeuroTypical

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 10:07 PM

I know it would be better for my kids if I wasn't mean and grumpy.

So, that's all fine and good, but tell us - how many happy and giggly divorced parents do you know?

Are you under the impression that getting a divorce means you are no longer in a relationship with a former spouse? When there are kids involved, the ex-spouses continue to have a relationship (often a court mandated one) about visitation and whatnot. There's still all the work of raising the kids to do, except now everyone hates each other and your kids are hanging out with the wrong crowd because home life sucks.

Doesn't really sound like the best choice for someone who is tired of being mean and grumpy.
If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack, to sit in the synagogue and pray.
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall.
And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

Ohhh....
If I were a rich man...

#11 rochphoto

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 10:12 PM

Thanks again for your comments. It helps to hear a different perspective. Most of the time with the counsler has been as a couple. Only 4 weeks ago it has been just me. It seems it has helped my husband out but not me. I just feel even more confused. After all your comments I am even more confused. I don't understand how you can get those feelings when you never had them. I agree the word"forced" is a cop-out. I just allowed it to happen. The trouble is I have been in love before. Knowing what it feels like it what is missing in my marriage and it is eating at me. I will try to pray for love, I have not tryed that.

Thanks!

#12 mightynancy

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 10:56 PM

Movies and books and even some of our experiences tell us that love is just something magical that happens to us. The beginning of love, that spark, can indeed just strike.

That said, it quickly burns out if we don't nurture it.

Is he a nice guy? Does he work at being a good husband (even if it looks discouraging)? If he's a good fellow, in your shoes I'd really work at the decision to love him. In my 17 years (so far) of marriage, there have been times when I had to make a conscious decision in my mind to love my husband even when my heart wasn't in it...my heart followed along when my mind led the way. I'm sure my husband has had to do the same. It isn't all butterflies and sparkles - lasting love is something different.

If, in your shoes, I didn't have a child, I'd give myself the green light to seek my happiness elsewhere. Having a child makes a big difference - they don't solve your problem, but they're a great motivation to improve the situation.

I liked the idea that the grass is greener where you water it!

#13 rochphoto

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 05:43 AM

Why is it far to the kids to stay in a relationship where you can't stand the sight of your spouse. Just looking at him reminds you of all your feelings you have for him. Which are "I never ever loved you", "I settled cause I was scard I no one would love me", "I hate kissing you and everything else". " Why didn't I have the courage to stop you from being with me when I can't stand it anymore". "why did I feel like I had to be with you cause you loved me and I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I played along." " I'm living a lie"

I see couples who were in love when they married I evey them. They can rattle on and on about why they got married and how when he looked at them one time they knew they couldn't live with out them. I can't say anything of why I love this guy, cause I don't. I can't say why I married him, cause I wished I did what I wanted to do which was to not marry him. I can't say when it was when he touched me I felt more alive then I have ever in my whole life. I can't fall out of love in a marriage and then remind myself why and when it was when we fell in love and that is what is worth fighting for. I rather marry for love and then things went sour then to have this life.

I have tried to love him, I can only keep it up for a few months then I can't keep going.

Three years ago he slept with a woman so I would end the marriage. I forgave him with in a 24 hour period. It didn't bother me at all that he slept with another women. I still don't care. I wish he would do it again and I'd leave him now for it. I'd think that is proof I never loved him. If I did love him it would have hurt and it would have been a very painful time in my life.

I don't know if I can keep going. I just know one day I will end up cheating on him. I don't want to do that.

I really don't think having kids grow up where they know mom is always unhappy and now lately crying all the time is good for them. I have missed every mile stone in their life so far. I let my mind wonder to get out of reality. They have to yell mom three times before I hear them. I don't know ;that is what my spouse tells me. I only hear them once. I hate being married for the sake of my kids. I wish I didn't have kids with him. I just thought having them with him would draw us closer and create feelings that were not there. I feel like I have gave up my happyness for other people. I am now paying the price. I am sick of it. Why can't I find love and be happy even if it just last one year. I felt like a zombie ever since I gave up my will. I don't see how you can love someone as a lover all the sudden. There is a spark or there isn't. Then there is a moment where you knew you can't live with out them or you don't care if they cheat on you cause you didn't love them anyway.

#14 rameumptom

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:23 AM

Moroni 7:48 teaches us (and PC also suggested this) that we "pray with all the energy of our heart" to have the gift of charity/love. Are you spending your time focusing on yourself and your own desires, or are you focusing on the covenant with God? Get past your selfishness, get down on your knees several times each day, and beg the Lord to fill you with love towards your spouse. It will come, but you have to want it more than you want to feel sorry for yourself (or guilty for past choices).

You can teach yourself to love him. Romantic love is rather recent in history. Most of history had arranged marriages. Isaac's marriage to Rebekah was arranged. They chose to love and appreciate each other. Jacob's marriage to Leah was a surprise, arranged by his father-in-law in secret. Yet Jacob treated her well, even though he had greater love and desire towards Rachel. Many of the plural marriages in the early Church were arranged marriages, and while many were difficult, many were positive experiences for those involved.

Train/teach yourself to love, laugh, and appreciate the good things in your marriage. Stop looking at your marriage as a mistake. Look at it as a covenant, where you can learn to be happy or miserable, but you can't wish for something else and be happy.

Count your many blessings. Start a happy journal, and daily write down 5 good things about your marriage. Over a period of a few months, you will actually rewire your brain to start seeing things in a better and more positive light.

So, here are some assignments for you:

1. Pray several times a day with all your heart for the gift of charity towards your husband
2. As PC suggested, repent and then allow Christ's atonement to free you of the pains of the past
3. Do a journal where you will daily write down 5 positive things about your marriage
4. Stop thinking divorce, and start thinking about making this the best marriage ever for everyone involved (you, your spouse, your kids).
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#15 Dravin

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:42 AM

I have to think of old boy friends I had loved in my past in order to kiss him.


So basically every time you kiss him you commit emotional adultery? You've also created a scenario in which he's the aggressor. It doesn't surprise me you are having difficulty developing a love for him.
Hindsight is all well and good... until you trip.

#16 anatess

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 08:03 AM

How old are you Roc?

Your posts sound like you're very young - like even just 19 years old.

Your definition of love is completely NOT LOVE! It's a teen-ager kind of Love. There is LUST and then there is LOVE. Some wise guy in this forum once said:
LUST - putting yourself first
LOVE - putting the other person first

Yeah, LUST is that chemical reaction - the one that hits you for the first 2 months of knowing somebody and you just "click".

LOVE is when you see him at his worst and he hurts you terribly and then you say, it's ok. I can take it. Because you know he is a great person and deserves all the love you can give him.

I'm Filipino. Arranged marriages are not unusual there. And it's really interesting because divorce is illegal. I see some of these people and they are happy. They are happy because they MADE the fairy tale. They didn't wait for the fairy tale to happen to them and whine and moan when it doesn't.

Edited by anatess, 08 February 2011 - 08:09 AM.


#17 rochphoto

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 10:22 AM

I don't agree. This is my second marraige. I was married before, in love, very happy. I just married a non member and was too worried that he would never join the church. A part of me wishes I never ended that marriage. I was happy and in love for a year. I know what it is like. I don't have it at all. I can't develope it. I don't understand how anyone can be happy in a arranged marriage. Plus how can I trust him he slept with a chick and spent 30,000.00 on pornography and strip clubs. That should be enough for a divorce.

I want to do what is right. I will do what rameumptom said to do. It will not be easy. I don't want to be at odds with the Lord.

Edited by rochphoto, 08 February 2011 - 10:55 AM.


#18 anatess

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 10:35 AM

I don't agree. I was married, in love, very happy. I just married a non member and was too worried that he would never join the church. A part of me wishes I never ended that marriage. I was happy and in love for a year. I know what it is like. I don't have it at all. I can't develope it. I don't understand how anyone can be happy in a arranged marriage. Plus how can I trust him he slept with a chick and spent 40,000.00 on pornography and strip clubs. That should be enough for a divorce.


And now the story changes. So, you can throw out everything that we all said and we can all start over.

I'm not going to give advice here. I'll let everyone else do so.

But, I'm going to make a keen observation: You like making very important life-changing decisions and then backtracking on them. Something that needs fixing.

Edited by anatess, 08 February 2011 - 10:39 AM.


#19 todd520

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 10:42 AM

I don't agree. I was married, in love, very happy. I just married a non member and was too worried that he would never join the church. A part of me wishes I never ended that marriage. I was happy and in love for a year. I know what it is like. I don't have it at all. I can't develope it. I don't understand how anyone can be happy in a arranged marriage. Plus how can I trust him he slept with a chick and spent 40,000.00 on pornography and strip clubs. That should be enough for a divorce.


Now I'm confused. Is this your first or second marriage.

If this is your first marriage and you did love him for the first year, then you should give the marriage a chance, and seek outside help to work through the issues.

#20 slamjet

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 10:45 AM

Plus how can I trust him he slept with a chick and spent 40,000.00 on pornography and strip clubs. That should be enough for a divorce.


I've read through the posts and I don't get the arranged marriage part. It seems that you willingly stepped into the marriage.

But your last post put's a whole new perspective on things. Trust is a very fragile commodity that we share with each other. I know that I nuked the trust in my marriage and she decided that divorce was finally the proper option for her and the family. There was no amount of therapy, counseling, time, anything that would help her trust me again in that way. And I totally understand where she is coming from. Thankfully for us, it has worked out, at least as much as a divorce can work out. It worked out because we understood and implemented two very important concepts:

1) The divorce was between me and her, not me, the kids and her.
2) We may not be able to live together in bliss and harmony, but we both have a common purpose; the raising and care of our children the best we can.

Divorce is something you will need to come to. It looks like you've been through it before, but without kids. Just know that if you do divorce, you will still have to have a relationship with him because not only that those are his children, but that your children need him to stay active in their lives.

I feel for you and your predicament. I wish we could tell you what to do and it would be the right choice. But only you and your husband can decide this. Please be prayerful and thoughtful in your decision. If my ex, and others like her are any kind of example, your Father in Heaven will look out for you because it seems like he loves mothers more.
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