Feel Feeling guilty wanting a divorce (never was in love)

[slamjet]

Child abuse is more than someone who have delved into child pornography. Why a person has molested a child is a simple question with a very, very complex answer.

[Dove]

Pornography and sexual ... - Google Books

I have continued doing research on pornography and child molestation, and have found this interesting commentary~

It does debunk what I said about pornography causing child molestation. The article quoted several studies, all which found that there really was no causal relationship.

I apologize for likely misrepresenting such an important issue. I was going off other older and perhaps misconstrued stats about this subject.

Thank you for setting me straight. I feel I hit a raw nerve, as well as several of my own nerves being jangled, having been a victim of this heinous crime myself. I acknowledge that even though this did happen to me (and my resulting hyper-sensitivity, lol), it's very unfair of me to blame others for doing so when this is not the case.

I do feel that pornography is very immoral and wrong. As a woman, I have had a lot of male friends who have indulged in this. I believe it very much objectifies a woman and demeans her body. But, again this is my belief.

Dove

[utahgua]

Mmmm... I am glad I am not in your shoes... but le t me tell you... I had a divorce last year, this after many times of arguing and pleading to my ex wife of many years to don't do it. She told me that she didn't love me any more... that the love was gone... it did really hurt me and my family broke in two... Actually it is not that fair, because now she lives with my children and I just have to find ways to see them every now and then, so it is not even. We did attempt to try therapy, but she had already set her mind. Apparently something else happened; something flashed in her eyes, something came around that distracted her too. If she was telling the truth about not loving me for a while then she was a very good liar, specially in our intimate moments, because up to the moment she decided to tell me, she changed completely. I can not judge her, I did my mistakes too, but there was a time when I felt like love was going away, my love for her, but I thought that it wasn't good to feel that way so as some sugested before me, I prayed and prayed for love for my wife and this I cna tell you, it did work... it flourished. I did love her with all my heart. I still love her, but as a man I had to let go and face the divorce with honor. My children... they are the greatest loosers, As I come from a divorced family I know why I am telling you this. It is worth to ask HF for the love to come back, but your husband also needs to know what is going on... if someone else is involved in all this and also and if this is not only a fantasy in your head. If your husband knows and he wants to save the marriage, I am sure he will try to fix whatever he can to help. If nothing else works, just do what you feel it is ok for you, your children and heavenly father. Almost 50% or married couples end up in divorce anyways. Please attend a divorce class so you can understand the consecuences of what you are about to do. Try divorcecare.org

Edited February 18, 2011 by utahgua

[Penstress]

I disagree.... I've been there. I married an idea, three months in knew something was very wrong. By the end of the first year I was in trouble. 12 more yrs of sex twice a year bcuz I had no feelings for him in that way. I made a mistake and fear of persecution, etc kept me in this empty, lonely marriage. Now I'm remarried I have real joy. I've never worked so hard or wanted something so much because I love him in that way. There are different types of love. Marriage is a great reward for kindness.

[Penstress]

I didn't kiss my husband passionately for 12 years. I was repulsed. It happens. We make mistakes.

[Penstress]

I get it, been exactly there. You're not crazy. The lord knows your sufferings. Trust me. Get the confirmation you need to have to leave. The relief I felt was so real. You can't do wrong and feel relief. It's not fair to him either. They know it!!! Let him be free to have one who loves him like he deserves. We both remarried immediately and are soooo happy!!!! Now there are two happy couples instead of one unhappy one. Oxox

[velvet]

I believe you Rochphot and I am sorry you are in this relationship. I don't know your situation or everyday life but my heart aches for you that you made the wrong decision in marriage and now have to live with that decision believing that there is someone better out there for you that you could love. I know you are trying to do "the right thing" by staying married for the kids sake and that is best for the kids so everyone says. I wanted to see my mom happy and I was sooooo glad when mom left dad (this was a physically and substance abusive marriage however) I just wanted mom to find someone to love her like I saw so many lds families had. I joined the church at age 11, 2 years after mom divorced dad and I wanted so badly for mom to be happy and to find a man that would treat her the way she deserved. I wanted more than anything to be in a home where the mom and dad were in love and showed their love, but all I saw was fighting and sadness. I'm glad she didn't stay unless of course dad was willing to give up his selfish passions, but he clearly did not want to, but my mom never found a man that treated her good. Food became her love and I felt so sorry for her my whole life. I don't have the answer for you obviously none of us do because we don't know the situation, I suspect there is more than just you not loving him. i suspect he loves or shows love to a tv or computer more than he does to you, but I certainly do not judge you but I feel for you my sister.

[velvet]

I didn't kiss my husband passionately for 12 years. I was repulsed. It happens. We make mistakes.

are you still married? More info if you are willing to share?

[Janadele]

Rochelle.

It is sad not to have love in a marriage, but it is a reality for many. Try to make the most of your situation and remember that even if you do divorce that does not mean you will then find happiness with someone else.

[Guest SquidMom]

I actually do. Me, for one. Happily remarried, BTW. My sister was married for 15 yrs, and unhappy for about 10 of them. She divorced, and is now happily remaried also. Her kids are fine, and so are mine.

On the other hand, my husbands parents were very unhappy together, and he has said many times how uncomfortable it was groing up. It was painful for him to watch how dad treated mom, see her suffer emotionally, knowing she only stayed because of the kids. She was a wonderful woman. (Now deceased) She deserved better, and children deserve to be raised in a whole, loving family. It's part of our responsibility as parents to set the example for what they should seek in relationships of their own. Knowing your mom or dad was always unhappy for your benefit leads to guilt, which is bad.

Yes, couples counseling, try to love, if you can. But if you truly can't, kids need to see their parents happy and loving or they will have a very scewed perception of what love and marriege should be.

[hardtoguess]

I have a lot of sympathy here, I was very close to this situation. Nice girl, but I did not love her and was dating because of obligation. She pressured marriage, hard, I thank God every time I think of it I didn't give in. Didn't know how to end it.

Never learned to say *no* until a little later in life. She ended it finally, i do feel bad, but I just didn't have it in me at that time.

I no longer have that problem.

Having said that you certainly need some help, bishop and counselor. The hell that we get ourselves into.

Sometimes I think LDS people do the craziest things but then I look at seculars and boy, they figured out how to do it worse. Yikes.

I cannot imagine how you can force love feelings for someone other than lobotomy.

Not trying to judge you, I can relate on one level. But not some of the others. To commit to marriage, and children, you have to check off quite a few boxes before you do it. Can you resist other people your whole life happily, would it be a privilege to procreate, would you support through sickness with no question, etc. Seems like people skip so much.

Edited November 13, 2012 by hardtoguess

[hardtoguess]

TBH I have never divorced with kids or not so you would probably have to talk to those people. But hon you need a lot of rules and boundaries going forward.

[Hie_to_Kolob]

Thanks for all your responses. It helps. I will look at the resources you gave. Thanks!

To clearify, I was weak I thought no one I would love would love me back in that same way. I was scared to be alone my whole life. This guy came we talked for 20 min. Then he stared to kiss me and it went to far. I didn't like him I felt guilty I let him go to far with me. I didn't want to marry him but did it out of lonlyness and guilt. I have never felt anything for him. I hate to kiss and everything else with him. I have to think of old boy friends I had loved in my past in order to kiss him. I feel guilty for that. I had kids in thinking it would develope love. But it made things worse. I have been going to a conslor for 19 months. He doesn't believe me that I never loved this guy. But it is true. I spent 9 years trying to love him. I can't. I think it either is there or it is not. I see other couples in love and you can tell they love each other. I just want that I want to look in the eyes of my husband and know we love each other. Having our awkward moments or our favorite moments together. I am mad at myself for giving up and settleing.

I would recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. It changed by whole outlook on love and marriage. Marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care. Pres. Hinckley said something to the affect that he is convinced that a good marriage has one undelying principle: That it's not so much a matter of romance but an anxious concern/care for the well-being of the other. That's not to say Romance isn't a worthy goal to strive for, but you're missing the mark of what marriage has to offer.

My wife says similar things to you. She says she loves me like a brother. THat the 'eros' is missing. Since that time I have done my best to go out and MEET her most important emotional needs. That's love. Meeting NEEDS. Physical needs, emotional needs, spiritual needs. Giving the best of yourself to the other person, and a healthy marriage has that recipriocated by the other spouse and is usually done in a completely different way. If you want the 'SPARK' in your marriage you needs a phD on your husband. Study him, study other males, study out what his likes and dislikes are, what he values, what concerns him, what fears he has. Then UNDERSTAND how HE sees the world and what he needs from you and give that to him. As you 'prime the pump' you will likely see a softening, I have, it's never fast enough, but it happens. It will happen. Keep doing it, and be open and honest and patient with him. I guarantee as you draw nearer to your spouse as well as Christ you will find that 'spark' in your marriage. You can't draw near unto Christ by neglecting your spouses needs that only you can meet in Marriage. And you can't really meet your spouses needs in marriage without being closer to Christ. Work on those two relationships simultaneously and you will see a shimmer of hope, and rather soon. Don't let Satan squash it either.

[Hie_to_Kolob]

Why is it far to the kids to stay in a relationship where you can't stand the sight of your spouse. Just looking at him reminds you of all your feelings you have for him. Which are "I never ever loved you", "I settled cause I was scard I no one would love me", "I hate kissing you and everything else". " Why didn't I have the courage to stop you from being with me when I can't stand it anymore". "why did I feel like I had to be with you cause you loved me and I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I played along." " I'm living a lie"

I see couples who were in love when they married I evey them. They can rattle on and on about why they got married and how when he looked at them one time they knew they couldn't live with out them. I can't say anything of why I love this guy, cause I don't. I can't say why I married him, cause I wished I did what I wanted to do which was to not marry him. I can't say when it was when he touched me I felt more alive then I have ever in my whole life. I can't fall out of love in a marriage and then remind myself why and when it was when we fell in love and that is what is worth fighting for. I rather marry for love and then things went sour then to have this life.

I have tried to love him, I can only keep it up for a few months then I can't keep going.

Three years ago he slept with a woman so I would end the marriage. I forgave him with in a 24 hour period. It didn't bother me at all that he slept with another women. I still don't care. I wish he would do it again and I'd leave him now for it. I'd think that is proof I never loved him. If I did love him it would have hurt and it would have been a very painful time in my life.

I don't know if I can keep going. I just know one day I will end up cheating on him. I don't want to do that.

I really don't think having kids grow up where they know mom is always unhappy and now lately crying all the time is good for them. I have missed every mile stone in their life so far. I let my mind wonder to get out of reality. They have to yell mom three times before I hear them. I don't know ;that is what my spouse tells me. I only hear them once. I hate being married for the sake of my kids. I wish I didn't have kids with him. I just thought having them with him would draw us closer and create feelings that were not there. I feel like I have gave up my happyness for other people. I am now paying the price. I am sick of it. Why can't I find love and be happy even if it just last one year. I felt like a zombie ever since I gave up my will. I don't see how you can love someone as a lover all the sudden. There is a spark or there isn't. Then there is a moment where you knew you can't live with out them or you don't care if they cheat on you cause you didn't love them anyway.

Feelings should be INDICATORS, not dictators. Action(LOVE=Verb) precedes feelings. If you want to FEEL love for your husband, ACT LOVINGLY towards your husband which is usually deciphered more readily in the dialect of Respect towards a man. Respect him unconditionally.

[Hie_to_Kolob]

He slept with a chick while married with me. He is not Temple worthy. I am; have been going by my self ever since he did that to me. Why is it fair for me to stay with a guy who did this to me just because I don't care about him and I was able to forgive him in 24 hours? How can I trust him? He still has a porn probblem I think it will only lead to cheating on me again.

Since when was the atonement fair? Was it fair for Christ to die for you? First rule of life is it isn't fair. Marriage isn't about YOU. Marriage is about YOU AND GOD. I'd rather error on the side of covenant keeping and extend grace towards a wayward spouse. Only after years of unrepentant behavior would divorce even enter my dialogue. People CHANGE. Allow the atonement to work in his life. Help him. That's what marriage is, a PEOPLE GROWING maching invented by God.

[pam]

Since this thread was started a year ago...I'm going to close.