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Loss of a child...


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#1 StrawberryFields

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 06:11 PM

Hello Friends, I have a dear friend who's little boy (who is in kindergarten) died yesterday. I am at a loss of something really good to say to her. I will see her soon, but I feel I need to support her more than just seeing her. I have had my share of grief and loss and maybe this is just too close to my heart... Looking for quotes, poems or some words of wisdom to share... Thanks in advance, SF
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#2 mightynancy

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 06:17 PM

My brother died at age 4. My mother reports that the nicest things were when people shared their memories of him. A neighbor who was a photographer had prints made of any pictures he had with Sean in them. Maybe you could write a letter remembering all the adorable things the little boy did. An LDS neighbor of my dear (not LDS) friend was crude and insensitive enough to say, "It's okay! You'll see her again!" upon the loss of my friend's mother. :( I'm very sorry for your friend's loss - I cannot imagine how devastated she must be.

#3 Wingnut

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 06:30 PM

In many cases, especially in unusual or extra-tragic ones, everyone is at a loss for what to say, and so many say nothing at all. I'm sure your friend would appreciate hearing exactly what you've said to us: that you've experienced loss and grief, and you know she's hurting and you hurt for her, but you don't really know what else to say. It will mean a lot to her that you say anything at all.
Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. -- C.S. Lewis

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#4 Jenamarie

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 06:35 PM

Just say you're so sorry for their loss. Often times well meaning words can cause unintended pain for the persons grieving, so if you're unsure what to say, just stick with expressing your shared grief in their loss. Also, remember the child a month, two months, a year from now. Don't be afraid to mention the child if a memory of them pops into your head while you're talking to the parent at any time. A friend of mine also lost a child, and part of the greatest pain she experienced was seeing everyone around her "forget" that her child ever existed. A birthday card on the child's birthday, or a "Thinking of You" card to the parents on the anniversary of the child's death can mean the world to them. They're likely getting a lot of attention from family and friends just now, but soon everyone will go back to their everyday lives, and this family is going to have to adjust to a new "everyday" that will take a long, long time to ever feel "normal".
And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16

#5 jayanna

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 07:06 PM

I just know that when I am going through something really, really, horrible I hate it when someone who has never experienced what I am going through gives me cliche advice. Maybe the best thing is to just listen. Someone in my ward lost a child, and at the funeral I was having this same struggle. She had been such a beautiful little girl. I just gave the sis. a big hug and told her, "If there is anything I can do, please let me know." Every situation is so different, that couple were almost relieved that she wasn't in pain anymore. Watching her die slowly in the hospital was the worst part.

#6 Elphaba

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 11:30 PM

Hello Friends,

I have a dear friend who's little boy (who is in kindergarten) died yesterday. I am at a loss of something really good to say to her. I will see her soon, but I feel I need to support her more than just seeing her. I have had my share of grief and loss and maybe this is just too close to my heart...

Looking for quotes, poems or some words of wisdom to share...

I think it would be particularly hard for you to know what to say considering your own personal experiences with grief and loss. You know what doesn't work, and what can, in fact, make it worse (like mighytnancy said). I don't have any idea what the right thing to say is, but I really liked what Wing said, and agree with her. Say what you said here.

I'm so sorry, my friend. This has to touch really raw nerves.

Elph

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged.

Missing me one place, search another.

I stop somewhere waiting for you.

~~Walt Whitman


#7 StrawberryFields

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 11:45 PM

You are all right. Thank you so much for taking the time to post. I really appreciate your words. Just in case this topic gets pulled up in the future, I found a few quotes that I would like to share. They were meaningful and brought some peace to me. "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." ~From a headstone in Ireland "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight". ~Kahlil Gibran "To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die." ~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground" Thanks Again, SF
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#8 Elphaba

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Posted 08 March 2011 - 11:57 PM

Just in case this topic gets pulled up in the future, I found a few quotes that I would like to share. They were meaningful and brought some peace to me.

That reminded me of a quote I put in a Sympathy card I once made.

"Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality." Emily Dickinson

Elph

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged.

Missing me one place, search another.

I stop somewhere waiting for you.

~~Walt Whitman


#9 classylady

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Posted 09 March 2011 - 12:03 AM

There is no describing the grief that is felt with the loss of a child. After my daughter was killed in a car accident, I certainly didn't want anyone saying "I know how you feel". Unless you've been there, no, you don't know. But, a sincere "I'm so sorry". "I love you". Even, "I don't know what to do?" is okay. My daughters friends made a scrapbook of pictures and memories of her. Plus, neighbors made copies of any photos they had of her and gave them to us. These were all so appreciated. And I know this may be what everyone expects of Relief Society, but I truly did appreciate the meals that were brought in. I wasn't functioning as a mother/cook/housekeeper. Plus, we were so busy getting the funeral arrangements, consoling everyone else, that there was no time to clean, cook, etc. It was a friend of the family that wrote up the obituary. Another dear neighbor woman took my youngest daughter to buy and choose the clothing to bury my older daughter in. So many people contributed money to help with the funeral costs. Even though my husband's work had insurance coverage for the children in case of death, it was not enough to cover everything. Plus, if I remember correctly, we didn't get the insurance check until after the funeral. The monetary assistance was so appreciated. I don't know what we would have done without it. I still have all the sympathy cards that were sent to us. If you choose to send a card, just write a sincere, short note, expressing your love and sorrow. Some of the notes that were sent were simple like, "We're so sorry to hear of your loss. We pray for your comfort and healing". "If you need anything, anytime, day or night, please call on us. We're here for you. We can watch the baby anytime..." "I remember Shelly's sweet smile. I'll miss her so. I love you. I pray for you". "Our thoughts and prayers are with you all. We love you and appreciate being your neighbors". I can't think of any poems right now. But, truthfully, some of the poems that I did receive just made me sob. I wasn't quite ready for some of them. One of the ones I do remember was about our loved one with Jesus at Christmas time. It was beautiful, but it just made me cry. The best thing you can do is just tell your friend that you're sorry, and that you love her.

#10 applepansy

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Posted 09 March 2011 - 12:56 AM

I lost a child. He was 21. I appreciated those who just said "I'm so sorry," gave us hugs, or just listened when I was ready to talk. The quotes, poems, etc. really didn't help much. Soft hugs did. My heart goes out to your friend. There is nothing that compares to losing a child.

#11 rameumptom

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Posted 09 March 2011 - 10:54 AM

Perhaps the best things you can say at this point are: I love you and I'm here for you.
:pope:

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#12 hiddentreasures

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Posted 09 March 2011 - 11:42 AM

Perhaps not right now. But the book Tear Soup by Pat-Schweibert would make a beautiful gift. It is a beautiful and thoughtful book about grieving. http://http://www.am...695707&sr=1-1#_

#13 Canuck Mormon

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Posted 09 March 2011 - 12:42 PM

One thing I would like to share. When me and my wife went through this in October (the still birth of our son), the one phrase that started to annoy me was "Is there anything I can do?". I know that this is everyone's first instinct, but in all honesty, we had no idea what could be done. We were in such shock, that we could hardly think about what was needed. The best thing that people did for us was just show up with food, talked and then let us know that they were there if we needed to talk. A couple of months after our event, a friend of ours found out their daughter had lukemia. We didn't ask them what they needed, we bought them a hospital parking pass and took books in for their daughter to read. It was not requested, but it was things that were needed. I hope this helps SF. My sincere condolences to you and your friends.
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#14 Wingnut

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Posted 09 March 2011 - 01:05 PM

One thing I would like to share. When me and my wife went through this in October (the still birth of our son), the one phrase that started to annoy me was "Is there anything I can do?". I know that this is everyone's first instinct, but in all honesty, we had no idea what could be done. We were in such shock, that we could hardly think about what was needed. The best thing that people did for us was just show up with food, talked and then let us know that they were there if we needed to talk.

A couple of months after our event, a friend of ours found out their daughter had lukemia. We didn't ask them what they needed, we bought them a hospital parking pass and took books in for their daughter to read. It was not requested, but it was things that were needed.

I hope this helps SF. My sincere condolences to you and your friends.


I've never experienced a close personal loss myself, but many I've talked to who have, have told me this exact same thing. Either they don't know what to ask for, or they're unwilling to ask. Don't offer to do "anything." Either offer something specific (can I come do your laundry for you tomorrow?) or just do something.
Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. -- C.S. Lewis

If we're going to be stupid about this, we're going to be stupid on my terms. -- my husband

#15 Deo_Gratias

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 08:47 AM

Joseph Smith said at the death of one of his children that he "was too pure, too lovely, to live on earth" he also said that he had "earned the Crown without the conflict" both gave us comfort at the death of our two young sons and have been inscribed on their headstone.

#16 cdvd103

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Posted 15 March 2011 - 07:35 AM

Hi there, I am brand new on this site, I just saw this comment and felt compelled to reply. We have suffered 5 losses, 4 miscarrages and a still birth, so I know about the pain we suffer when we loose a child. I am a new convert to the church (July 2010), and my partners father died too in September last year, we know full well what happens when we die, but still doesnt make it any easier to loose someone. We coped so well after loosing her father, but when we lost our children, we were not in the church and just plain anger was our response. However, the following words we a lot of comfort and I hope they are to you too. Take care. Loves Lasting Touch Jacquelyn M. Comeaux Don't weep for me when I'm gone,Because I'll always be there.My spirit will exist in all the earth,In the water, trees, and air. You'll hear me say "I love you",In the whisper of a breeze.You'll know that I'm beside you,With the rustling of the leaves. You'll feel my arms caress you,In the warmth of each sunrise. The moon will be my goodnight kiss,The stars my watchful eyes. Your life will be my legacy,Your memories my epitaph. These ties will bind us together,Till we meet on heaven's path. I'll not ever desert you,We'll never be far apart. I'll live within you always,Nestled deep within your heart.




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