Hammerdown54 Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 Ok...and away we go... Hello everyone! Wow what a ride....I am 37 years old and became a member in 1992..Life was good and soon after college I started my career as a Firefighter.....needless to say the job took its toll on me. I had 17 years of inacivity and was swallowed whole by the world..I was injured at work...had 10 surgeries (knee and shoulder) and pills/booze literally killed me. My old engine crew saved me from a overdose and I attempted rehab....5 times...In the midst of all the pain and divorce...I finally managed to get a full year of clean and sober time (yeah). A year ago I became active again...I met a wonderful LDS woman and have been seriously dating her for 7 months. It has become serious enough that marriage is on both of our minds. I am very leary about marriage and starting over...keep in mind I was only active for about a year before I dropped off of the face of the earth...I have a issue with authority within the church :(and what is being asked of me to be sealed and to truly grasp the chrch in whole. Its hard for me to regularly attend feeling like im being made to go. I feel smothered even though I love this woman but feel like 7 months isn't near enough time even if I wasn't in recovery...anyone in recovery from addiction or not care to give some loving advice? Obviously I have trust problems...so I take a leap of faith and post this...Fyi I go to AA/NA regularly and my fellow addicts think I am crazy for being in a relationship...oh and that they think im not Christian...any advice family? Its lonely being a recovering addict in the fire service and LDS to boot..much love to you all!!, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 If you feel like things are going too fast, then they are going too fast! Trust your instincts. Recovery is hard. Some can do it fast, but that is rare. Sometimes a relationship can help your recovery along, but that isn't always the case either. Relationships bring their own struggles, and it is important to make sure you are of sound mind and heart before pledging them to another. As far as your faith, it's no wonder you're struggling with that too. You haven't really had much of a chance to focus on the church or your testimony. Take a deep breath and slow it down. Focus on one thing at a time. Your recovery is the most important. Tackle that first, and when you feel ready to handle something else you can add that in. If this girl really feels ready to go for marriage now, she should be able to be understanding if you sit down and have a serious chat with her about how you feel. Let her know that you need to slow things down, and if she can't handle a slower pace then now just isn't the right time. Take church at the pace you feel comfortable with. Your faith will only end up smothered if you try to "run faster than you are able". The seed has been planted, and it needs gentle nourishment. You don't need to flood it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DeborahC Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 I agree with Minja. The fact that you have to ask tells me you are not sure.. and this is a red flag. I'm trying to return to Church also, and there are times it feels like I'm being smothered. I have to go at my own speed, my own pace, and that has meant many years of starting, stopping, starting. I just have to trust that God knows my heart is right and that I WANT to do the right thing. I'd say slow down. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of another person. Get your life in order before you even consider marriage. Sometimes love hurts - ask Jesus - and in this case, the lesser hurt is NOT marrying someone when you are not ready. If you marry with such doubt in your heart, you are setting yourself up for failure, an old familiar friend of an addict. That's my opinion, only... Pray about it and then take time alone to listen... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mtnbikemom Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) HI Hammer, I wish I had profound words of wisdom. Instead I'll offer just words of personal experience. Your recovery is important. Absolutely. However, there has to be room in in recovery for ALSO living and experiencing life. Too often in recovery, any activities not specifially recovery focused is deemed to risky for our fragile psyche to handle and life starts to pass us by. Part of the great thing about recovery is the newly rediscovered ability to make decisions and take the responsibility for those actions. Only you can determine if your are ready for the roller coaster of a relationship, highs and lows,and the emotionally charged aspect of determining what role religion is going to play in your life. Each of these is difficult to handle separately, but thrown together they can challenge even the strongest of couples. Toss recovery into the mix and you have an interesting combo. The fact that you have questions should give you pause. It is worth asking what role your girlfriend has in both your recovery and your religioius journey. Is she trying to rescue you? Does she understand the early, fluid and angst ridden stages of recovery? As you become stronger in your convictions will she be able to adapt? Ask your fellow AAers what their objections are. Are they the general reflexive objection to early relationships (very valid, but very general) or are the specific to you? AAers can be entertainingly blunt and you might learn something interesting. Good luck in your journey friend. I've been there and it is stressful but worth the pain. Continue building both your substance-free lifestyle and your foundation and relationship with God. As those become stronger so will your decision making and your ability to trust. It is never easy, just easier. I'll take another 24 (can't have a recovery thread without an AA mantra) Mtnbikemom Edited May 16, 2011 by mtnbikemom Posting challenged. Accidentally posted before finished. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 There was this thing about taking care of a plant for at least a year... if the plant is still alive at the end of the year, you are ready for a relationship. I like that idea. :) Judo said it best... Line upon line, precept upon precept. One step at a time. There may be times when you have to take 2 steps back to go one step forward. In these times, you don't want to have responsibilities that cannot afford those 2 steps back. It's like losing weight - it took years to pile all that weight on - it can take years to lose that weight permanently. Some people try to do drastic diets to get it off fast, only to find out they're back to their old weight faster. Make changes permanent by laying down a good foundation before adding more. Good luck and keep God close to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 Welcome Hammerdown!I go to AA/NA regularly and my fellow addicts think I am crazy for being in a relationship...oh and that they think im not Christian...any advice family? Its lonely being a recovering addict in the fire service and LDS to boot..Heh - yes, that's the sort of response I'd expect from folks in AA. They're mostly good people - my wife got her 13 year coin a while back and did a little sponsoring. If they are giving you flack about your faith though, you might want to consider picking a new AA group. Depending on your location there could be many. There might even be an LDS addiction recovery group somewhere, our program is based on the AA 12-steps. Definately shop around and go with what works for you. Proposing marriage while going through recovery steps? Yeah, I can hear my wife yelling at you from here. Your significant other knows the person who is clawing for the light trying to get out of a hole. If you marry her now, that's the person she knows. Are you planning on clawing out of your hole forever - or do you expect to some day be out of the hole? She needs to know the person who has made it out of the hole first, before she can make a good choice. Date her for now. If she still wants you once you're clean and back on track - then you'll have a firmer foundation for marriage than a lot of people out there.But yeah - welcome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammerdown54 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 Great advice everyone! I have a year June 2nd..I do feel smothered..and I thought I could manage recovery and a relationship...I am going to step back....I never ever want to feel like I did a year ago..every day is a miricle and im thankful for my blessings...love you all!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.