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My brother stole from me

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#1 Blocky


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Posted 31 August 2011 - 08:23 PM

My little brother, who is 15 stole $20 from my laundry quarters and from our other brothers (18 y/o) wallet, $300 there. I'm 29 and have three kids, and live about 30 minutes from my parents and other siblings. A little background. My brother who stole, we'll call him Ben, is 15 years old. For the last 10 years they've been living in Oregon. While there my parents went on SS disability, had $50 rent, became inactive in church, and take a LOT of pain killers for their different ailments, basically they laid in bed for the last 10 years. There wasn't much discipline. My brother while in Oregon got suspended twice for having pot or a pot pipe on him. I knew he was selling our parents pills to get money for pot. Then about 6 months ago they moved down to California where I live. My brother broke his leg and so had to be homeschooled for 6 months. During this time he got caught with more pipes, started taking my parents pills (probably because he didn't have a pot supplier). At one point he took a whole bottle of my moms pills, and the whole time kept up the facade of 'Don't worry mom, you'll find them, I know you will!" I found the pills while he was at my house and was packing up for a trip I was talking him and my sister on. The consequences for this was he was 'grounded'. By grounded I mean he just stayed at home, playing video games, going on the computer and watching porn on his ipod touch (mom and dad say it's bad but normal, oh well nothing we can do....) So, we've gone from smoking pot, to stealing pills, to taking pills and stealing a lot of them. School just started and by the second day he stole my money and our 18 y/0 old brothers wallet so he could buy more pot. My dad found the hidden money, and after about a week he's admitted he did it. SO MY QUESTION. As his sister is there anything I can do? I thought about calling the police and having him go to juvie for a while, but I'm worried that he'll just meet more punks and get bigger badder ideas. My parents are grounding him....for a week. With internet/ipod/video games. I'm requesting a written apology and he can't come to my house until I decide he's stopped stealing. I love having him come over here. I like hanging out with him. My kids adore their uncle. But, every time he is caught, he never fesses up voluntarily and says what you want to hear and does whatever he wants anyways. I feel like this is a breaking point. I feel like the lesson he's learning is that he can basically get away with things if he is just a little sneakier. What can I do as a sister?

Edited by Blocky, 31 August 2011 - 08:34 PM.

#2 Gwen


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Posted 01 September 2011 - 06:45 AM

I would not suggest juvie until after he had compleated a rehab. How you go about getting him into a center is another story. There are several options. Would be best if mom and dad insisted and he went on his own. You could attempt to have the courts force it on him by giving the choice of that or juvie. I hold family as the most important thing and would not say to disown him so to speak but at the same time you have an obligation to your immediate family. He would not be allowed in my home or to be alone with my children until he had done some kind of program and showed progress.

i don't have problems, i have issues
problems can be fixed, issues you just deal with

"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.
The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be."
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#3 Guest_jollyroger_*

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Posted 06 September 2011 - 02:50 AM

Have you spoken to any church leaders for advice? It might be a case of him having to learn the hard way. Since your parents aren't active there's not much correct support for him in that they think it's normal for him to watch porn. Playing video games is not part of being grounded as a lot of kids do this anyway rather than go out by choice. He needs support for his drug addiction and your parents need help from church. Family support is the best cure I think as I know another family who went through this. Try and get all the family and church help you can before he progesses onto harder drugs. Seek out help from drug support agencies as they'll be able to help too. Do you know why he does this? Some counselling might help too. Is he running away from something? I wish you all the best. I wish I could help you more.

#4 Blocky


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Posted 07 September 2011 - 10:11 PM

My parents have signed him up to go to a counselor. The main down side of that is that they have to actually take him to it. Just like my parents said he needs to go to church to show he's willing to listen to what they say. Well, that's not going to happen if when every Sunday rolls around they don't go either. I know it doesn't sound very good on my parents part. They are very loving, and they do have testimonies of the church, they just don't do anything anymore. It's very frustrating. I saw my brother last week while I was out and about. It was good but I did pull him aside and told him I wanted a written apology. He got all embarrassed and asked why it had to be written, can he just send it to me on facebook, etc. I said that it needed to be handwritten, explaining exactly what he did and how he feels about it. He just looked at me and said he's glad I'm not his mother:P Yes, he needs drug intervention, counseling, enforced rules around the house. But like he pointed out, I'm not his mother....

#5 Guest_jollyroger_*

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Posted 07 September 2011 - 10:33 PM

It seems you're making progress from what you're saying. It's a start that he's been signed up to a counsellor, you've asked him for a written apology etc. By the way apologising over face book comes across as insincere and easier for him than to write it down and that's what he's looking for. An easy way out. It might not be my place to say but I think if I were in your place I'd take over the situation anyway. Someone needs to be in charge and in control and it seems neither your parents or your brother are going to make any progress left up to them. It's not going to sort itself out by itself. If they don't take charge then who is? They need you, if you don't the situation is only going to get worse. Don't get yourself stressed and ill sorting it out though. You need to look after yourself. If and when you feel you've done all you can then it's time to leave it. You can support them but after all is said and done he needs to use his free agency. Everyone who I know has given up any sort of addiction has said they only did it when they wanted to until then nothing seems to change. He needs some sort of wake up call. So far he's got it easy, no responsibility, and that just make it easy for him to carry on doing what he's doing. Look at the prodigal son. Lived the high life until he ran out. He needs something to make him realise that he can't live his life like that forever. I'd pray for a challenge for him. Keep us posted. Also, a sister is the next best thing to a mother.

Edited by jollyroger, 07 September 2011 - 10:39 PM.

#6 Triumph


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Posted 06 October 2011 - 03:15 PM

... Yes, he needs drug intervention, counseling, enforced rules around the house.

:thumbsup: correct!!

If things are still not going smooth around him even if you already did try drug intervention, counseling and strict enforcement of the rules in your house, why not consider military boarding school coz I think that's what he really needs. Some serious discipline and a long term rehab like therapy and not only that, he will be able to continue his education.

Edited by Triumph, 11 May 2012 - 03:58 AM.

#7 annewandering


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Posted 18 October 2011 - 05:32 PM

I was talking to a therapist once who told me that it was not true you had to want to change to do it when drugs or alcohol is involved. This was involving a son. He ended up in treatment against his will at first. After he had been there for about four months and was completely dry he finally got it. He told me that even the best program, which he was in, had a 1 in t0 success rate. Now 2.5 years later he is a success so far. He has told me over and over that no one can get off it on their own. Your brother needs help whether he wants it or not. If he is stealing to get drugs then he is in serious trouble already. I would have him in rehab as soon as I could get him there. Good luck and God bless you and him. He is lucky to have a sister who cares enough to ask for help. By the way sounds like your mom and dad are in trouble too. I know about pain. My husband and I are in that. They are not doing your brother any good and they seem to have been doing themselves no good. They at the very least need counseling.

#8 sister_in_faith


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Posted 26 October 2011 - 10:51 AM

This may be a bit extereme, but would you be interested in having him come live with you, so that you have some authority to demand that he get treatment, go to church etc? That seems the only way that you could actually have control over it???

"Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

--Alma 37:37

#9 Blocky


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Posted 22 December 2011 - 11:16 AM

This may be a bit extereme, but would you be interested in having him come live with you, so that you have some authority to demand that he get treatment, go to church etc? That seems the only way that you could actually have control over it???

I have thought of this, for both him and my sister (13). We live with very modest means, but we do have the room in our house.

A little update for the overall situation. He still hasn't written the apology letter. I've talked to him about it twice. The last time was a month before Christmas, I told him I really want him to come over Christmas morning, but he needs to write the letter first. Christmas is in three days and still no letter. Things have been very.... interesting at my parents house. I guess my dad cancelled Christmas. No one gets anything because they don't deserve it. *sigh* my dad is extreme. No consequences for so long, then this. I have a feeling part of this is stress from not having any money. A basic look at their financial situation is that their SSI checks are about 1500 a month. Their rent is 1300 (high rent area, includes a warehouse for my dads stuff he sells... but he hasn't been selling). They get food stamps, so that covers the majority of food costs though not all. My father does have a way of making some extra money but it hasn't been panning out lately. The last two months they've been borrowing money from me until they get their SSI checks. I can't loan them money anymore though because an other family member got stuck out of state, just started a job and had no place to live (sleeping in car in the snow) so I loaned him money to get a room to rent. Of course, the rule is, don't loan money to family that you have to have back anytime soon. SO, I'm strapped to the max financially, but still ok.

My brother is failing a few of his classes. He's been skipping class. He's been smoking pot. He has a nice little knife collection and I know he brings them to school with him sometimes. If he did come live with me, I worry more about how it will affect the other kids more than about the stealing. At least my sister is able to come over every weekend.

#10 count58


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Posted 13 February 2013 - 04:11 PM

He sounds like he has it all food, clothes, a loving family etc everythiing a person could need. In my personal opinion i would have him sent to juvie cause in theory he wont be able to get his hands on any drugs and when he gets out if he still has the same problems put him into rehab. I think your parents need to be alot more harder on him as difficult as it may be for them but generally grounded means no tv no phone of any sort no computer no ipod no friends over no anything but sitting at home all day doing nothing except maybe a bit of cleaning and cooking which by the sounds of things is the least he could given the circumstances, you may think its harsh but it may just pull him into line failing all that send him to an army cadet thing where they are taught discipline and all sorts of other things because thats what id be doing if i were in your shoes. Hope this helps

#11 BrendaM


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Posted 14 February 2013 - 12:56 PM

you are in a tough situation. Do not get the police involved unless you are ready to accept the possible outcome. I would not recommend him coming to live with you, especially since you have children. You are not his mother, you are his sister. Sounds to me like he is bucking the rules and it's up to his parents to help him over this. I think a written apology is a good idea on your part. Support him in counselling, etc... good luck

#12 pam


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Posted 14 February 2013 - 04:59 PM

Since this thread was started 1 1/2 years ago...I'm going to close it.

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