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Should parents put their dating teenage daughters on birth control?


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#21 cwald

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 10:51 AM

I think this is a fine approach. I have been dabbling into sex ed research studies and it seems an approach that fairly recognizes the benefits of both no-sex and safe-sex are the only ones that seem to work.

My question is who takes responsibility first. Should the parents be providing the protection or should the teenagers be obtaining it themselves?


Good question. I don't have an answer.

#22 Gwen

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 10:56 AM

If one of my girls were to get pregnant, we would ensure she was responsible. It would most likely have been put up for adoption, but she would have to live with the stigma of carrying it to full term. Birth control tells a girl (or boy, for that matter) that she/he does not have to be responsible for the choices made.


I disagree that it tells them they do not have to be responsible for the decisions they have made. Taking the pill or any other form of bc is exactly being responsible for the choices you are making. Being sexually active as a teen will have it's own consequences even without getting pregnant. It will have psychological consequences, preventing pregnancy won't stop that. Is forcing her to have a baby about responsibility or shaming her into doing "what's right"?

On the other hand I do believe passing out free abortions is avoiding consequences. If you want to choose to have sex, you are responsible if/when you end up pregnant (with or without efforts to prevent).... you have an obligation to that child. Being responsible has 2 parts, prevention to begin with and then dealing with the consequences if you lose the gamble. I promise you there is no avoiding the consequences of premarital sex.

All this focus on pregnancy is exactly where I think we fail in teaching sex ed to our teens. Ask most teens out there (lds included) why we teach that you shouldn't have premarital sex and the first thing they will say is to avoid getting pregnant, second is about STD's. Those are the wrong answers and side issues to what the law of chastity is about. I think if we spent more time teaching teens about the sacredness and the psychological aspects of sexual relations as the first and most important part, procreation a close second and then STD's etc as a matter of health facts things might be a bit different.

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problems can be fixed, issues you just deal with



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#23 Gwen

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:01 AM

My question is who takes responsibility first. Should the parents be providing the protection or should the teenagers be obtaining it themselves?


In a perfect world (ok not perfect because it wouldn't be an issue in a perfect world lol) the teen would take the responsibility. Odds are they are not doing things openly and therefore the parent can't supply it.... unless the parent is going to supply it on the assumption that their child is going to go behind their back. Doesn't show much confidence in the child or your parenting skills, that never goes well.

However, after the parents know about the actions of the child then I think they should step up and supply it.

i don't have problems, i have issues
problems can be fixed, issues you just deal with



"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.
The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be."
-Robert Fulghum


#24 RMGuy

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:06 AM

At our house we teach abstinence as the policy. However, we also encourage open and honest dialoge. If our daughter (and I have one in that age range) came to us and told us she and her bf had decided to have sex...(she has told us lots of stuff, so I believe she would bring this to us), then we would talk through why they made that decision, why we think it is not a good decision etc. But if she was committed to her course of action, then we would indeed make sure that she had access to birth control. -RM

Edited by RMGuy, 23 February 2012 - 11:59 AM.


#25 anatess

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:09 AM

I think that if a teen is determined and going to have sex, there isn't a thing parents can do about. So they should at least be responsible about it and avoid the consequences inflicted on the individual, the unborn child and society in general of a teen pregnancy.


Well, that's just the thing. I don't believe in avoiding consequences. Consequences is part and parcel of every decision.

#26 Backroads

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:10 AM

In a perfect world (ok not perfect because it wouldn't be an issue in a perfect world lol) the teen would take the responsibility. Odds are they are not doing things openly and therefore the parent can't supply it.... unless the parent is going to supply it on the assumption that their child is going to go behind their back. Doesn't show much confidence in the child or your parenting skills, that never goes well.

However, after the parents know about the actions of the child then I think they should step up and supply it.


What if the kid was already taking care of the protection as part of these activities behind the parents' back? Suppose kid is buying condoms or already obtained a bc prescription (doable in many states without needing parent's knowledge)? When parent finds out, should he/she take over? Or is there anything wrong with parents, after finding out child's indiscretions, on informing them they expect them to provide financially for at least some of the protection?

I'm not criticizing your answer, just thinking further.

Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?


#27 RMGuy

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:12 AM

Well, that's just the thing. I don't believe in avoiding consequences. Consequences is part and parcel of every decision.


So if you have children and they decide to have sex (with or without your knowledge) then you have preferred to have the consequence of grand children/std's as opposed to being the one to sign them up for birth control. Fair enough.

-RM

#28 pam

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:17 AM

Depends on the girl, but for mine- absolutely not. No reason to.

If parents suspect their daughter is sleeping around, putting her on the pill is sending a message loud and clear that "It's OK with us."


I kind of have to disagree with this. We can teach our daughters all about premarital sex and the dangers that can come about because of it. We can teach them correct principles. But we all know there are some that will still go against those same principles we have attempted to instill in them.

But as MOE said, I'd rather minimize the damage that can be done. We aren't just talking about the life of the girl, we are also talking about any children that might come about because of it.

#29 Backroads

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:19 AM

So if you have children and they decide to have sex (with or without your knowledge) then you have preferred to have the consequence of grand children/std's as opposed to being the one to sign them up for birth control. Fair enough.

-RM


Shouldn't the kids have been aware of the wise decision of protection and therefore informed a responsible adult party of their need? It's not like teenagers don't have access these days to basic knowledge of consequences and a vague idea of how to protect themselves.

If the kids didn't want pregnancy or STDs, they would have stepped up earlier.

Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?


#30 anatess

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:21 AM

At our hose we teach abstinence as the policy. However, we also encourage open and honest dialoge. If our daughter (and I have one in that age range) came to us and told us she and her bf had decided to have sex...(she has told us lots of stuff, so I believe she would bring this to us), then we would talk through why they made that decision, why we think it is not a good decision etc. But if she was committed to her course of action, then we would indeed make sure that she had access to birth control.

-RM


I'm of a different mindset. Our house teaches abstinence as the policy. If my children decide to not follow that policy (and yes, we have very open dialogue in our house), then it's up to them to deal with each and every consequence including birth control. They're 8 and 10 right now and they already know quite a bit about the consequences. They know where my husband and I stand on the matter. We will stand firm on our principles but be there to hold their hand while they suffer the consequences if it comes to that. And like Gwen said - this is not just pregnancy, etc. It includes the emotional and spiritual consequences first and foremost. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

It's the same as drugs, alcohol, cigarettes... They know the consequences. They deal with it themselves. I'll even go so far as to kick them out of the house if it starts to affect the spirit in our home. And if they break the law, I won't stop the cops from sending them to juvie hall. We have our rules. They know what it is. I'm not going to go buy them their cigarettes because they got themselves hooked on it. But yes, I'll pay for the rehab if they decide to come back to the fold. And yes, I've talked to the kids - ages 8 and 10 - about this already, including the horrors of juvie hall.

Edited by anatess, 23 February 2012 - 11:27 AM.


#31 Backroads

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:24 AM

I'm with anatess. If my hypothetical kid came to me like someone who wanted to be responsible and not secretive about sex and asked for assistance, I might be willing to negotiate. But a teen who knows full-well the possibilites should not expect anything different.

Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?


#32 Gwen

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:34 AM

What if the kid was already taking care of the protection as part of these activities behind the parents' back? Suppose kid is buying condoms or already obtained a bc prescription (doable in many states without needing parent's knowledge)? When parent finds out, should he/she take over? Or is there anything wrong with parents, after finding out child's indiscretions, on informing them they expect them to provide financially for at least some of the protection?

I'm not criticizing your answer, just thinking further.


If the kid is already taking care of the precautions then let them continue. Tell them you are disappointed in their choice to have premarital sex but very proud of them for being responsible and you expect them to continue to be responsible as long as that is their choice. Make it clear you are not condoning it and they are not welcome to bring that choice into your home.

I have no issue if the parents find out the kid is making poor choices and saying the child has to help pay for it. I don't see a difference in that and making them pay for their speeding ticket or other foolish choices teens can make.

But I do think parents should take some kind of responsibility if the kid isn't. Again I will reference the girl I already mentioned, under 18 and 2 kids... obviously she won't choose to not have sex and she won't choose to take her pills... time to put in a 5 yr iud. When you expect others to take care of you and the consequences of your choices then expect them to get involved. Now if she moved out, got a job, supported her kids etc then if she chooses to have more kids is her problem/decision. But right now she expects mom to raise her kids while the gov't provides for them. This isn't good for anyone, especially the children being born into this situation.

i don't have problems, i have issues
problems can be fixed, issues you just deal with



"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.
The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be."
-Robert Fulghum


#33 Backroads

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:37 AM

It is always tragic when kids get involves. No one wants kids starving on the streets, but the conundrum is who shoulders the responsibility.

Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?


#34 anatess

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:39 AM

If the kid is already taking care of the precautions then let them continue. Tell them you are disappointed in their choice to have premarital sex but very proud of them for being responsible and you expect them to continue to be responsible as long as that is their choice. Make it clear you are not condoning it and they are not welcome to bring that choice into your home.

I have no issue if the parents find out the kid is making poor choices and saying the child has to help pay for it. I don't see a difference in that and making them pay for their speeding ticket or other foolish choices teens can make.

But I do think parents should take some kind of responsibility if the kid isn't. Again I will reference the girl I already mentioned, under 18 and 2 kids... obviously she won't choose to not have sex and she won't choose to take her pills... time to put in a 5 yr iud. When you expect others to take care of you and the consequences of your choices then expect them to get involved. Now if she moved out, got a job, supported her kids etc then if she chooses to have more kids is her problem/decision. But right now she expects mom to raise her kids while the gov't provides for them. This isn't good for anyone, especially the children being born into this situation.



If you got a kid under 18 with 2 kids you got a much bigger problem that you are ignoring. The IUD does not solve THAT problem.

#35 RMGuy

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:02 PM

Shouldn't the kids have been aware of the wise decision of protection and therefore informed a responsible adult party of their need? It's not like teenagers don't have access these days to basic knowledge of consequences and a vague idea of how to protect themselves.

If the kids didn't want pregnancy or STDs, they would have stepped up earlier.


Backroads,
I agree wholeheartedly that they have some responsibility. What I would be concerned about is that if the parent is adamantly opposed under all circumstances to BC, then how open will they be percieved by their children to discuss this with them?
Honest question.

-RM

#36 Blackmarch

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:05 PM

I wanted to ask everyone (parents and non-parents) this question and that's why I posted it here instead of the Parenting forum. Should girls (under 18) be put on birth control if they're dating? This topic came up between my husband and I after watching a news segment on the Sex Ed Bill here in Utah. Note: this thread is not about the Sex Ed Bill :] So, are you completely against the idea? Open to considering it? Or completely for it? What are the pros and cons? What are some of the potential consequences of doing it and not doing it?

they should not have to.
I kinda feel sorry for the ones that have to, and hope the make better choices over bad choices.

Were I in the situation of having a teenaged daughter, hopefully she would be aware of the consequences and will have made the choice not to participate in the kinds of activities that would require such.

If she did require such, then she's gonna have to work for it.

Should they be required to by law? no. no one should be required by law to take drugs, ever.
nor would i want to pay for someone elses contraceptives, condoms, or sterilizations or abortions surguries..

Edited by Blackmarch, 23 February 2012 - 12:09 PM.


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#37 RMGuy

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:07 PM

I'm of a different mindset. Our house teaches abstinence as the policy. If my children decide to not follow that policy (and yes, we have very open dialogue in our house), then it's up to them to deal with each and every consequence including birth control. They're 8 and 10 right now and they already know quite a bit about the consequences. They know where my husband and I stand on the matter. We will stand firm on our principles but be there to hold their hand while they suffer the consequences if it comes to that. And like Gwen said - this is not just pregnancy, etc. It includes the emotional and spiritual consequences first and foremost. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

It's the same as drugs, alcohol, cigarettes... They know the consequences. They deal with it themselves. I'll even go so far as to kick them out of the house if it starts to affect the spirit in our home. And if they break the law, I won't stop the cops from sending them to juvie hall. We have our rules. They know what it is. I'm not going to go buy them their cigarettes because they got themselves hooked on it. But yes, I'll pay for the rehab if they decide to come back to the fold. And yes, I've talked to the kids - ages 8 and 10 - about this already, including the horrors of juvie hall.


Perhaps the best part of agency is that we can disagree, and sometimes learn from each other. I can respect where you are coming from Anatess.

I am trying to understand, and want to see if I am getting what you are saying? So for you, if your daughter or son decided to have sex, you expect them to be the responsible part to find BC for themselves.

If they did this and you discovered it, how would you react?
If they came to you to ask for help in accomplishing this, how would you react?

Thank you for a civil discussion on a difficult and emotionally charged subject.

-RM

#38 RMGuy

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:07 PM

they should not have to.
I kinda feel sorry for the ones that have to, and hope the make better choices over bad choices.


What if they don't have to, but they want to?

-RM

#39 Gwen

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:15 PM

If you got a kid under 18 with 2 kids you got a much bigger problem that you are ignoring. The IUD does not solve THAT problem.

I know there are bigger problems and they are not being ignored. I'm doing all that I can to address them. But it would help a lot of at the minimum she would stop having babies. I can't make her gain a testimony or self worth or anything else that addresses the bigger problem. All I can do is lead her to those opportunities. It will be up to her to do the work.

I don't think bc solves the problem but it takes a major piece of the puzzle out of play, it prevents creating more victims, and changes the situation so that the other issues can be addressed.

On the other hand I would say that any time you have a teen that is sexually active you have a situation with bigger problems than the risk of pregnancy. The fact that this is a topic of discussion shows how big the problem is.

i don't have problems, i have issues
problems can be fixed, issues you just deal with



"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.
The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be."
-Robert Fulghum


#40 Backroads

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:16 PM

Backroads,
I agree wholeheartedly that they have some responsibility. What I would be concerned about is that if the parent is adamantly opposed under all circumstances to BC, then how open will they be percieved by their children to discuss this with them?
Honest question.

-RM


And a very good question.

My arguments tend to apply in a family situation where it's reasonable to assume there are expectations and communication in place.

Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?





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