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Girls waiting for missionaries.....


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#1 shawnspencer

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 09:39 PM

Hi=) So I just got my mission call to the Romanian/Moldova mission. I am so excited to serve the Lord! There is this girl that I have loved for three years and she feels the same about me and has for possibly five years now. I don't quite know what her personal opinions on girls waiting for missionaries is but all I know is that the very thought of coming home from my mission to the love of my life married is the worst fear I have ever had. To give you a little more background for the past year or so I have been trying to get over her with every concievable technique but for some reason my feelings for her will strike back with even more force. I have now given up on letting her go because apparently that ain't happening. So here is my question, to you girls, is it a total complete "not to be uttered" thing to ask a girl to wait for you? Thanks a ton! Shawnspencer

#2 Backroads

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 11:02 PM

Huh. I never had a missionary so I have no personal thoughts on the matter. However, my li'l sis's boyfriend left a few months ago and he all but asked the actual request. She finds it rather romantic. Part of her is excited to date around a bit more (she is almost two years' his senior so over the course of their relationship dating others was always the plan--'specially when she was the college girl and he was still hi high school), yet there was always jealousy) but frankly I wouldn't be surprised if she does wind up waiting for him. I already think of him as my brother.

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#3 mirkwood

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Posted 28 February 2012 - 04:45 AM

Tell her you would like her to write you while you are gone. Tell her you would like to continue to see where this relationship goes once you return, but for the next two years your intent is to focus on your mission. Nothing wrong with having a girlfriend waiting for you. Several of my friends married their girlfriends after they came home. Several got "dumped" while they were gone.

#4 Windseeker

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Posted 28 February 2012 - 08:01 AM

I got dumped and as painful as it was was at the time am grateful I did. My experience on my mission was you either get dumped or by the time you go home wished you got dumped. I never met a missionary that married the girl who waited for him. I think asking a girl to waite is pretty selfish and I also think a girl telling a guy she's waiting for him is pretty selfish as well. The best thing for both individuals is to focus on maturing and on growing emotionally and spritually during these two years. I think that's best accomplished by leaving romance and your insecurities behind. Trust the Lord whom you're serving and he will guide you to your eternal companion in time.

Edited by Windseeker, 28 February 2012 - 08:05 AM.


#5 slamjet

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Posted 28 February 2012 - 11:09 AM

Perspective: she is the love of your life, as of today. You still have more life to live.

I hated it when I had companions who had girlfriends. It was a pain to listen to them, and it was a pain to put them back together when they got a cryptic letter that were the beginnings of a "Dear John.". The best advice is to go on a mission without any girlfriends, or someone "waiting" for you. You're out there for one reason only, and you need to concentrate on that. If she feels the same about you, she'll be there. But remember two years is a decent amount of time. Besides, I've heard many RM's say "well, she's different" when they get home. You will change, she will change. In the end, it may be for naught.

Just let her be and leave without any expectations. Trust the Lord will take care of you when you get back.
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#6 Madriglace

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Posted 28 February 2012 - 11:36 AM

Watch the movie The Best Two Years ... then go on your mission single. Throw yourself into your work with a whole heart and then see how things are when you come home. You will be a different person in 2 years and so will she.

Edited by Madriglace, 28 February 2012 - 02:31 PM.


#7 clevermoniker

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Posted 28 February 2012 - 02:06 PM

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not a girl, so feel free to ignore my advice :) We all have free will, and you have every right to ask her to wait for you... but I still don't think it's right. I think the appropriate, and fair, thing to do is to make your feelings known to her. Let her know how strong your feelings are, and that you hope that you'll have the opportunity to further pursue this relationship when you get home. Asking her to wait, however, is just selfish and cruel. Asking her to not date other people, to not experience the life that all young adults should go through, just because it will make you feel better... If you love her, and really care about her happiness and well-being, I don't know how you could do that. I'm guessing that deep down you're hoping that she'll offer to wait for you, and save you from having to make this decision. Well, if she does ask, then there's nothing to worry about... because you have to tell her no. Again, if you really love her and care about her happiness, you have to tell her that you're not expecting her to wait. That she can date, fall in love, and get married, without any obligation or guilt toward you. If you get home and she's single and you're both still feeling the same, great. But I wouldn't count on it. If I'm coming off as cynical and mean... that's probably because I am :) So why stop now? Now I'm going to tell you more things that you a) don't want to hear, B) really, really need to hear, and c) probably won't understand until you're much older and more experienced. There is no such thing as "The love of my life". There is no one person out there destined to be your mythical "soul mate". I'm sure you think that what you have for her is so unique, and strong, and special, that no one could ever really understand because you can't even put words to that... Well, nearly everyone here has had that. Several times. I'm very happily married for 7 years now, to the fifth "love of my life". It's funny, because when I think back to #1 and #2(The designation of #2 is soooooo fitting for her, but we won't get in to that!), I can't imagine how I could ever have been as happy as I am now. Your focus needs to be on your mission, not on this girl.

Edited by clevermoniker, 28 February 2012 - 02:15 PM.


#8 Bini

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Posted 28 February 2012 - 04:14 PM

Perspective: she is the love of your life, as of today. You still have more life to live.

I hated it when I had companions who had girlfriends. It was a pain to listen to them, and it was a pain to put them back together when they got a cryptic letter that were the beginnings of a "Dear John.". The best advice is to go on a mission without any girlfriends, or someone "waiting" for you. You're out there for one reason only, and you need to concentrate on that. If she feels the same about you, she'll be there. But remember two years is a decent amount of time. Besides, I've heard many RM's say "well, she's different" when they get home. You will change, she will change. In the end, it may be for naught.

Just let her be and leave without any expectations. Trust the Lord will take care of you when you get back.


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#9 shawnspencer

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 07:18 AM

Hello Clevermonkier, Just so I can clear this up a little bit for you. I dont beleive that there is one person out there and only one person out there for me or anyone else. What I do happen to know, is that she in fact is the love of my life given that I love her and she is in my life. I thank you for your clearly heartfelt advice and would like to happily inform you that your permission to ignore it has been used. I would further request that an attitude of maturity and proffessionalism be used from now on, within this thread. Thank you. Shawnspencer

#10 rameumptom

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 08:23 AM

The saying on my mission: If she didn't wait for you, it wasn't meant to be. If she does wait for you, it means no one else wanted her. Seriously, you cannot control what others may/may not do. She may wait, and you return to find you have changed. Focus on your mission, and the rest will take care of itself.
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#11 MarginOfError

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 08:34 AM

Hello Clevermonkier,

Just so I can clear this up a little bit for you. I dont beleive that there is one person out there and only one person out there for me or anyone else. What I do happen to know, is that she in fact is the love of my life given that I love her and she is in my life. I thank you for your clearly heartfelt advice and would like to happily inform you that your permission to ignore it has been used. I would further request that an attitude of maturity and proffessionalism be used from now on, within this thread.


Thank you.

Shawnspencer


I think maturity is really what is at the heart of this topic. The adolescent mind doesn't finish maturing until the early to mid 20's (20 - 22 for females, 22 - 25 for males). So be worried about whether to ask her to wait for you seems, to me, silly and a bit dangerous.

If she commits herself to waiting for you and avoids dating other people to keep that commitment, she risks inhibiting the final stages of her social and emotional maturity. It isn't healthy.

Quite honestly, the best thing you can do is tell her to go out, have fun, date different people, and when your mission service is complete, you can see where each other are at.


On top of all that, if you are similar to 95% of the country's 19-year-olds (I'm sure you'll claim you're not), your brain likely isn't developed to the point of really being able to understand and evaluate all of the consequences, intricacies, and nuances of a decision such as marriage. The 19-year-old brain tends to make decisions based on two dimensions of complexity. In some cases, maybe three. But you're looking at an issues that has about 12 different dimensions of complexity. This is an issue you'll be far better equipped to think about in two or three years. You'd be wise to put off worrying about it until then.

Dude. When both Vort and MOE are in agreement, the thinking has been done. :D


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#12 clevermoniker

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 08:36 AM

I thank you for your clearly heartfelt advice and would like to happily inform you that your permission to ignore it has been used.


I always find it's best to ignore advice that encourages you to to not be selfish and to do the right thing. Keep it up!

#13 shawnspencer

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 05:29 PM

Dear clevermonkier Ok look I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I don't know Why you came off so hostile at first. I truly never ment to offend anyone. I merely meant to ask a simple question. I have always agreed with the fact that it is selfish to some degree to ask her to wait. That is actually the reason that I asked this question in the first place. I feel so stuck. I love her with all my heart and naturally I want her there after my mission. Not only do I love her but she is my best friend. To lose her would be to lose one of the most important people to me in my life. I don't want to be selfish. The only thing is that I am now only relying on hope and I feel the moment I walk through the doors at the mtc I lose all hope. I am truly sorry for my previous comment I never meant to offend. I just feel so hopeless because I love her so much and to lose her would kill me.

#14 LDSCubsFan

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 05:45 PM

Dear clevermonkier



Ok look I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I don't know Why you came off so hostile at first. I truly never ment to offend anyone. I merely meant to ask a simple question. I have always agreed with the fact that it is selfish to some degree to ask her to wait. That is actually the reason that I asked this question in the first place. I feel so stuck. I love her with all my heart and naturally I want her there after my mission. Not only do I love her but she is my best friend. To lose her would be to lose one of the most important people to me in my life. I don't want to be selfish. The only thing is that I am now only relying on hope and I feel the moment I walk through the doors at the mtc I lose all hope. I am truly sorry for my previous comment I never meant to offend. I just feel so hopeless because I love her so much and to lose her would kill me.

Shawnspencer, it would not kill you, it just seems like that right now. Trust me, you'll get over it. We've all been there, missionaries or not.

#15 shawnspencer

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 05:54 PM

Shawnspencer, it would not kill you, it just seems like that right now. Trust me, you'll get over it. We've all been there, missionaries or not.


I really didn't mean it literally. I meant that it would definitely be really hard on me emotionally.

#16 shawnspencer

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 06:04 PM

Really, if I were to ask her to wait, I wouldn't be asking her not to date at all. That is like asking someone to jump of a cliff and not hit the ground. All I would ask is for her to not date anyone seriously just because I want her there when I get home. Please don't take anything I say the wrong way. I only want her there when I get home. That is what I have been trying to say. The thing is though I don't want to ask her because I also feel that it is somewhat a selfish thing to ask. Please, I just need to be understood. I have not told anyone this until now.

#17 clevermoniker

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Posted 01 March 2012 - 09:09 AM

Really, if I were to ask her to wait, I wouldn't be asking her not to date at all. That is like asking someone to jump of a cliff and not hit the ground. All I would ask is for her to not date anyone seriously just because I want her there when I get home. Please don't take anything I say the wrong way. I only want her there when I get home. That is what I have been trying to say. The thing is though I don't want to ask her because I also feel that it is somewhat a selfish thing to ask. Please, I just need to be understood. I have not told anyone this until now.


Just because I'm mean, doesn't mean that I don't understand :)

Asking her to date, but not to fall in love with the guy she dates is exactly like asking someone to jump off of a cliff and not hit the ground. That wouldn't be fair of you to ask, and it wouldn't be fair for the guy's that she is dating.

Let her know how you feel, there's nothing wrong with that. Let that be in her mind as she's dating other guys and considering her feelings for them. But don't put her in a position where she has to feel guilty for falling in love with someone else.

We really do understand. Most of us have been there. The odds are against you. She's probably not going to wait. Personally I think you're better off accepting and dealing with that now, rather than to wait until you're into your mission.

My brother had a "girlfriend" who was waiting for him to come back, though she never told him. The day after he got back, he went over to see her. She had a friend over, so she introduced the two of them... and a few weeks later my brother was engaged to her best friend. (Edited for clarity:)

People change a lot in 2 years, especially at that age.

Edited by clevermoniker, 01 March 2012 - 09:20 AM.


#18 MarginOfError

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Posted 01 March 2012 - 09:15 AM

My brother had a "friend" who was waiting for him to come back, though she never told him. The day after he got back, he went over to see her. She had a friend over, so she introduced him... and a few weeks later they were engaged.

People change a lot in 2 years, especially at that age.


Just so you know, it isn't really clear which "he" got engaged to the girl. Too many pronouns, I guess.

Dude. When both Vort and MOE are in agreement, the thinking has been done. :D


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