Should I be worried about my mother so much?

[lizzy16]

Whenever I tell my mom I'm upset, or when I tell her something bad has happened to me. I'm so worried she'll be freaked out, worried, upset, cry and see herself as a failure as a parent.

So, today she sent me a facebook chat message saying "Whats with you not wanting to be a member anymore?"

Lately I've been really struggling and having some problems. I don't wanna be here at school, I don't want to be going to church, i'm not sure if i even believe in God anymore. ect. So I told a friend here this all and she and I were talking about it. However, I never mentioned it to anyone but I did talk to her about how i wanted to tell my mom but was worried she'd feel like a failure ect. I know a lot of parents in the church get really realy upset when they'er children want to 'leave the fold."

So, it surprised me that my mom was so intune with what I was thinking. So, i tell her all this stuff and now shes all concerned.

I hate worrying her. I can't stand the thought of her being concerned about me.

Yeah. I know its what moms do.

So, for those who are daughters.

Do you feel this way about your mom?

And mothers:

If you knew how concerned your children were about you and how they didn't want you to worry ect what would you tell them?

And, to those with children who fell away. How hard is that for you?

[prisonchaplain]

My daughters are younger than you, but even as a stoic dad, I'd be heart broken if one of my girls gave up her faith. That being said, I'd rather they tell me than not. I'd still love them to death--die for them if need be. Because I love them I'd worry about them. After a long long time I'd likely learn to just trust them, knowing God is still watching out for them, despite their current doubts.

Mothers wear their hearts on their sleeves more. Nevertheless, ultimately she's going to be glad you are open with her. At least she does not worry about what might be unspoken. So, let her do her job and love you. You cannot diminish that. Do not try.

Also...what a better place to go through your doubts and "dark night of the soul," than at a church-sponsored school. Your wiser professors should not be put off by your very normal transition from walking in the faith of your family, to determining what your own will be.

Hope this helps...God be with you as you travel this tough but necessary road.

[HEthePrimate]

Your mom is a grownup--she should be able to handle it. I don't mean to sound heartless! It's good for you to be sensitive of her feelings, and I think you should make it clear to her that it's not anything she's done wrong. Just explain what you're thinking and feeling, and why. She may not completely understand (or who knows, maybe she will!), but she will still love you. That's what good parents like her do.

It is not uncommon for children to end up adopting a different belief system than their parents, and that can be distressing. When my mom was converted to the LDS faith, her parents were distressed and would not let her get baptized, so she had to wait until she was 18. My dad was an adult when he converted, so his parents had no say, but my grandmother thought he had joined a cult. Being disappointed with children's decisions is part of the territory for parenthood, but you have to be true to yourself and follow your own path. All you can do is continue being the best child to your parents that you can, and keep showing them how much you love them, and that should help to reassure them.

Good luck, whatever you decide! :)

HEP

[JudoMinja]

Sorry for the lateness of my reply, but I just saw this and wanted to add my thoughts.

Mother's are worriers. They care very much about their children and worry about everything. I know I often have a hard time confiding things to my mother that I think would cause her to worry unnecessarily, and I especially had a hard time with this when I was first going to college. I think when we break away from home and start experiencing our own problems, we want desperately to figure things out on our own- without help from the parents- and we don't want our parents to fret over what we are trying to decide for ourselves.

The fact that you don't want your mom to worry shows how much you care about her. Just remember that you can't keep her from worrying. Your relationship with her will be stronger if you can share your struggles and enforce a boundary- let her offer advice if she wishes but make sure she knows that you are handling things on your own and don't want her to rush to your rescue. You'll let her know if you need her help.

As for how your feeling about your faith/religion- It sounds like you are going through what Fowler called Stage Four of faith development. It is a time of doubt and struggle and self-discovery. You are thinking for yourself and becoming more critical about your belief and what you will ascribe yourself to. This is the time when you will be striving to identify your "core"- what is truly in your heart and soul, what you truly believe. When you've identified what has the strongest pull on your life and you commit yourself to it, you will have moved on to Stage Five.

Those who reach stage five are very strong in their faith, whatever it may be, because they've confronted their doubts and rectified their concerns. Having gone through your "critical" phase, you will be more certain, more committed, and there will be little that will cause you to steer from your course.

Whatever direction your journey takes you, I hope that you will live what you believe. Discover the "truth" for yourself and commit to your spiritual journey. The spirit will guide and direct as you develop your faith and testimony and identify what truly matters and feels right to you as an individual. Your mother loves you, and even if you choose a different direction- as long as you are strong and know it is right for you, I am sure she will be supportive.

Edited March 23, 2012 by JudoMinja

[Gargantuan]

Perhaps it is my onion opinion, and I don’t like onions by the way, that we should allow mothers to worry about us and we should worry about our mothers [parents].

We are only together for a short time here [mortality] and God has given us this time together that we may all learn some of the lessons of eternity we need to gain.

My mother had everything to worry about, but her young children didn’t have to worry about her. She provided the essentials needed to help us become independent. When times got tough, we worried then about Mom’s ability to provide for her kids, but things always worked out, because Mom worked them out. It was a blessing for us all to worry and not interfere. She had a wonderful family and then divorce nearly crushed the life out of her. Did her children worry about her?

She lost one son, who fell away from the Church (rebaptized after years of being out of he Church), and one [me] who nearly lost his life on his church mission. Her only daughter nearly passed away with MS and the brother she raised served in a war that caused her to worry about his safety daily. Her youngest son struggled to maintain a home and raise a family. Did she worry about her children?

Should we worry about our mothers? I think that we should reasonably worry without smothering them. I think we should be aware of their struggles and their sacrifices for us. When they are old, and bent over with worry about their children, their children owe it to mothers to be worried. This is showing love rather than interference.

[lizzy16]

Thank you for the comments.

I sent a very heartfelt letter to my mom for her birthday in a package. My dad called later saying she kept rereading it crying. I think she finally understands how much I love her and how I view her as a parent. She later talked to me and said she didn't realize thats how i viewed my childhood ect and she's glad that I was happy with how I was raised.

I'm excited for the time in my life when i can take care of my mom because she has done so much for me.

I'll look into the fowler stages they look quite interesting:) I love theories and things.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I'm sure it depends a great deal on the personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, of both the parent and child. When my brother converted to another faith, my mother was absolutely devastated, calling me to tell me he had apostatized and was lost. That created difficulties for me, too, because I knew in advance that he was intending to be baptized into another faith, but she did not. He only told her 1 week before his baptism.

Our mother could tell some of his attitudes had changed about the LDS faith, but was not prepared for the shock that he was leaving the church and joining another. I had mixed feelings about not saying anything even though I knew for some time that he was going to classes intending to convert, but I felt it was not my place to be the one to tell her, and that it was right that he do so.

I tried to comfort her, telling her that maybe this was where he needed to be for now, as he was starting to come closer to Christ than he had been in a very long time. I don't think that was much comfort to her, at first, but it's been a few years now and she's recognizing that his love of the Lord has grown and that he's a good man, in spite of leaving the faith.