Not saying "I love you"


Bini
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I have a hard time telling people "I love you" and I'm not talking about people that I don't love. I'm talking about people that I do love. I have no difficulty saying this to my husband and daughter, or my parents but I have a rough time saying these three little words to everyone else. On the few occasions I've returned the "I love you" to various friends and family members, it has made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I know you're going to ask me why and to be honest I don't know. I just do. I guess it's a combination of feeling that those words represent an intimacy that I don't share with just anyone and the aspect of vulnerability that accompanies that. My bestfriend of about 15 years tells me that she loves me all the time. She knows I have "issues" about returning the words and she doesn't bug me about it - she knows how I feel about her and that I'll always be there for her. But being married I find myself between a rock and a hard spot often, as my husband's family are big on greeting and saying their goodbyes with "I love you". When we first got married, which was several years ago, people figured that the ILY would come around with time.. I do want to add, though, that I am able to show my love in other ways. So it's not like I give everyone the cold shoulder. Anyone else struggle with this stuff?

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I do but kind of turned around. I have no problem saying it to friends, but have a really hard time saying it to those closest to me such as family. Like you, I have no idea why.

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I have a hard time telling people "I love you" and I'm not talking about people that I don't love. I'm talking about people that I do love. I have no difficulty saying this to my husband and daughter, or my parents but I have a rough time saying these three little words to everyone else.

Who else would you say it to? No snarkiness intended. I say "I love you" to my wife, my children, and my parents (Well, Mom -- since his funeral, I don't really say it much to Dad). Occasionally I say so to one of my sisters or an aunt or niece.

I guess I kind of understand what you're saying in that I very rarely say so to my brothers or nephews or uncles, but that is more because they would be uncomfortable hearing it than that I would be uncomfortable saying it.

So who else besides immediate, close family would you ever say "I love you" to?

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I just do. I guess it's a combination of feeling that those words represent an intimacy that I don't share with just anyone and the aspect of vulnerability that accompanies that.

Either we're both weird, or this is pretty normal. I don't just throw the phrase about, either. Even with my closest friends I'll only say it at certain times, like last week when one of my best friends lost her dad.

In my extended family, we don't even hug unless someone dies or goes on a mission. Except awkward hugging sometimes. I didn't want my kids to grow up like that, so in my immediate family (hubby and kids) we say lots of I love you's and hug all the time. His family is more like that, but I don't feel close or safe with them, so I keep them at arms' length. His mom used to kiss me. I think she got pretty quickly that I wasn't cool with that.

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Who else would you say it to? No snarkiness intended. I say "I love you" to my wife, my children, and my parents (Well, Mom -- since his funeral, I don't really say it much to Dad). Occasionally I say so to one of my sisters or an aunt or niece.

I guess I kind of understand what you're saying in that I very rarely say so to my brothers or nephews or uncles, but that is more because they would be uncomfortable hearing it than that I would be uncomfortable saying it.

So who else besides immediate, close family would you ever say "I love you" to?

Everyone else being friends and extended family/relatives.

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Eowyn, I grew up doing hugs and ILY's with my immediate family but for some reason I feel off when it's with anyone else. Oh, I should add that my bestest friend (apart from my husband of course) is like a sister to me.. And I still struggle with returning ILY.

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Everyone else being friends and extended family/relatives.

Then this is probably a woman thing, and I should not comment. I can't think of any non-related friend with whom I would feel the need to swap "I love you"s in non-exceptional circumstances. Even with extended family, there are few with whom exchanging "I love you" would feel authentic. But I do understand that women have a different perspective on the matter.

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Other than a couple mission companions and my wife, I've not been inclined to say "I love you" to people who aren't family. And the mission "I love you" were of the form, "Love ya <lastname>." rather than a "I love you." Though I have to say I was extremely uncomfortable with that aspect of the Mission culture (and the hugging) to start out with. I kinda acclimated over time.

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Do you think you have to say it to people as they leave your presence?

Other than my husband, I don't say it often to many people. And I don't feel that I need to. I do have some people saying it to me and I'll reply thanks or me too, usually.

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Other than a couple mission companions and my wife, I've not been inclined to say "I love you" to people who aren't family. And the mission "I love you" were of the form, "Love ya <lastname>." rather than a "I love you." Though I have to say I was extremely uncomfortable with that aspect of the Mission culture (and the hugging) to start out with. I kinda acclimated over time.

In my mission, it was "Sure do love ya, <name>". But among a significant minority of us (or maybe we weren't a minority), the phrase was itself a sort of a joke.

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In my mission, it was "Sure do love ya, <name>". But among a significant minority of us (or maybe we weren't a minority), the phrase was itself a sort of a joke.

It certainly, in my mission, wasn't said with the same sentiment one would say it to one's mother or what have you.

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The phrase means different things to different people.

The way I see it, to Bini, I Love You, is intimate and special and reserved for the immediate family unit.

To Pam, I Love You, has the same intimacy level as Hey, wazzup?

For me, I see I Love You as Christ-like love. So, I have no problem saying I Love You to everybody. Yep, including people I can't stand to be around in for more than 5 seconds.

The problem arises when we know that what we mean when we say I Love You is not the same as what other people mean when they "hear" I Love You.

So that, Bini would be very uncomfortable saying I Love You to Pam because she can't convey the words in the manner that Pam understands it.

At the same time, Pam would feel uncomfortable saying I Love You to her children because her usage of the phrase is not enough to express what she really feel for her children.

So, the trick is in reconciling what we mean by what other people think it means. The way I handle it is that I only say I Love You to people who knows me very well so that they understand exactly what I mean when I say it. So yeah, I have some people at my work that I sometimes say, "You don't love me anymore!" when they make it harder for me to do my job and they know exactly what I mean and would banter back in the manner I meant it instead of calling HR.

But I'm on the other side of the spectrum - using the phrase more than other people use it. Bini is on the opposite side - where she only uses the phrase sparingly. I think the way to reconcile that is to not say it back and have an alternate canned response to somebody who says I Love You to her. An option would be to say, "ditto", or the classic Han Solo "I know".

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I only say "I love you" to hubby, children, grandchild and my parents. Sometimes on a rare occasion one of my siblings might get an "I love you" but its rare. However, my sisters kids here me tell them all the time....as much as my own children.

Other than that...nobody. Not inlaws, not inlaws children, not close friends.

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I do not say I love you to people in general. Just family. Close family. On the same vein I really detest random hugging. Even over the net. Sometimes I do give hugs to like VT but only because I want to let them know how much I appreciated something they have said or done.

In my opinion, and JUST my opinion, both saying I love you and hugging has gotten to the point of being meaningless. To me they should represent strong personal feelings. I do NOT feel loved when some acquaintance hugs me. It makes me want to push them away.

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I do not say I love you to people in general. Just family. Close family. On the same vein I really detest random hugging. Even over the net. Sometimes I do give hugs to like VT but only because I want to let them know how much I appreciated something they have said or done.

In my opinion, and JUST my opinion, both saying I love you and hugging has gotten to the point of being meaningless. To me they should represent strong personal feelings. I do NOT feel loved when some acquaintance hugs me. It makes me want to push them away.

Aw. C'mere, you. *HUGS*

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Anatess, those are good points as well.

But it seems I'm not so odd, off or strange after all :] But I can totally understand how the word love has different meanings.. Friendship love, romantic love, love of a child, etc. I still just feel uncomfortable saying it to people other than my husband, kiddo and parents.

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  • 2 years later...

This is a very common problem.Recently I went to a psychologist and she helped me a little.I`ll share with you my story.

my boyfriend works on [Link to website omitted --JAG] and working here takes him a lot of time, I know that it`s very useful work so that I do not pay attention to the fact that he is so busy.We were both tired and rarely say that we love each other.so my psychologist advised to start with small things. We began to write messages to each other, draw hearts on the notes attached to the refrigerator.and eventually it has become easier to say it. The same situation with family, perents etc. 

SO try to begin with small things than it will be easyer.  :)

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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