Would you date a young widow?


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Hi, I'm a young (24 year old) widow. My husband of two years passed away a year and a half ago. I don't want to break my sealing. I've prayed about it in the Temple and feel I shouldn't. I don't want to lose my first husband either. I contacted the first presidency and it is confirmed that living women can only be sealed to one man, so unless I break my sealing I cannot be sealed to a second husband (ironically the one I'll live my life with). This was a policy change that occurred in the 1980's - they used to allow widowed women to be sealed twice.

I recently started dating a guy, but he ended up telling me that he needed to be sealed so it could never work out unless he's sealed. I'm still really upset about it. Is that really the boat I'm stuck on? I can only marry a divorcee (he's going to want a sealing too) or widower?

I'm an attractive girl, I've never had problems getting asked out or asking a guy out. However, getting back into the dating world makes me feel fearful, like I don't deserve to get remarried because for two years, I already had a good marriage. I want the priesthood in my home for me and my young child, who also needs a righteous father.

Guys: Would you date a girl that was sealed?

If you were in my situation, can you really blame guys for wanting to be sealed? That's what we're taught at conference. "Get sealed at all costs."

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Having actually discussed this type of scenario with both my current husband and another man I seriously dated previously, I have an opposite stance on the issue that you do. I want to be sealed to the man who is the father of my children, and the man with whom I live my life. Your first love is one thing -- your life-long (or longer) love is another.

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This is a situation I've thought about, and I don't envy you. Personally I would either lean on my brothers and brothers-in-law and dads for priesthood and male figures. If I really got to the point where I couldn't go any longer without companionship, I'd seek out another widower perhaps with children so that we could help each other through this life. Either way, I know Heavenly Father is merciful enough that things would be worked out for the best in the end.

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There are guys who will date you and want to spend their live with you, even have children with you.

I know this because growing up my Dad's friend married a girl who was widowed on her honeymoon. They had six girls roughly the same ages and my siblings and I. They trusted that it would all work out for the best in the next life.

50 or so years later... I understand the sealing ordinances better. We all being sealed to one big Heavenly Family.

Continue to date, be open about expectations, stop worrying and leave in Heavenly Father's hands. He will make it work. You will be happy.

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As a female I can't answer correctly, but my husband and I actually discussed this once. He feels that if he were to die without procreating with me, he wouldn't be surprised if I broke off the sealing to be sealed to someone with whom I would have children. Now that I'm pregnant he expects the sealing to remain intact even if he does die (I don't really anticipate this, but he is in the army and is also from a little town where they like to shoot guns and do stupid things).

Anyway... my advice would be to continue to stick to your guns (I can certainly appreciate wanting to stay sealead to your husband) but... be willing to be open to inspiration to other ways, should any of that happen.

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I recently started dating a guy, but he ended up telling me that he needed to be sealed so it could never work out unless he's sealed. I'm still really upset about it. Is that really the boat I'm stuck on? I can only marry a divorcee (he's going to want a sealing too) or widower?

Guys: Would you date a girl that was sealed?

If you were in my situation, can you really blame guys for wanting to be sealed? That's what we're taught at conference. "Get sealed at all costs."

First, I am sorry, and my hopes and prayers are with you. This creates an interesting pickle for any young man.

We are counseled, as a Priesthood holders, to develop a relationship with someone I could take to the temple and be sealed. At least, if we have never been married before.

As a young single adult, personally, I would not have continued a relationship with a woman who was already sealed and was not interested in being sealed to me. As a young single adult I desired a young woman who wanted to be sealed to me, thus I would be hers and she would be mine.

If, I went through what you have gone through, then the answer would be easy, Yes I could date a woman who had already been sealed.

However, is there really anything wrong in marrying someone who is a widow like yourself, or looking for another companion who has experienced life as you have?

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My SIL (husband's sister) was widowed with two young children. When she remarried, her new husband claimed that it didn't bother him that they couldn't be sealed together. They had a child together. Fast forward 15 years, and they are just recently divorced. My SIL is the one who filed for divorce, (probably if they had seen a marriage counselor they could have resolved their differences). I asked her if it ever bothered her ex that they weren't sealed together, and she said "yes" it had bothered him, even though at the time they got married, he said he was okay with it. Within 6 months of the divorce, he has since remarried, and is now sealed in the temple to his new wife. So, I'm not really sure where I'm going here. Some men may claim it doesn't bother them, but actually, deep down, it does.

I had a friend in high school whose mother was previously sealed to her first husband. Her mother remarried, (but not sealed), to a great guy, and had several children with him (my friend's father). My friend had so many questions, as to whom she was sealed to. She didn't want to be sealed to her mother's first husband, because she says "he is not my father". She wanted to be sealed to her biological father. Our seminary teacher tried to explain to her, that it didn't matter, all that mattered was that she was BIC (born in the covenant). But, she still had so many questions and hang ups about it. My nephew, (SIL's boy with 2nd husband) doesn't seem to have the same hang-ups that my friend did, maybe because he hasn't really thought about it? Perhaps girls are just more emotional than boys? I don't know the answers.

Another personal story. My cousin was widowed at a young age with two young girls. She wasn't sealed to her first husband. But, she was adamant that she was going to go to the temple and have his work done, and be sealed to him. She ended up marrying a nonmember, and had 10 children with him. After many years (20 +) her nonmember husband joined the church, and she and all her children (even her two girls from her first marriage) were all sealed to him. (The two girls by that time were adults, and already married, and temple worthy, and chose to be sealed to their step father). My cousin's resolve to be sealed to her first husband waned over the years, and she chose to be sealed to the man she spent most of her life with.

What ever happens, pray about it, and be guided by the Spirit. It will all work out in the eternities.

Edited by classylady
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So I thought about the question and tried to place myself in a similar position. If I were single and say I met my current wife (for this example) and she was in a similar position... would I want to just spend my life with her? No way. Would I ask that she break her sealing? I think I might, especially if she did not have children already. I would want to be sealed not only to her, but my future kids as well.

This is one question where I truely feel sad for anyone in your position. Honestly though, I think Heavenly Father will help sort these things out, if after this life. I wish you the best of luck, but for me, being a guy, I would ask to be with my wife forever. Trusting that the Lord would take care of the husband that she lost. Good luck.

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I can see it from the young man's perspective. He wants a wife that he can be sealed to. That's part of our eternal progression.

No being able to be sealed would be kind of a turn off to him.

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One of the hardest dilemnas. We had a bishop once that his wife had died. He married a widow in the temple but as a time only marriage. They did have one son, I believe. lol its been a long time so not absolutely sure the son was both of theirs. Anyway they were not as young as the OP but not old by any means.

I would do a lot of praying about it. It is good you are being honest with your dates and prospective dates.

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My niece is in this situation with children. She is young and pretty and she dates some, but as she is not willing to cancel her sealing she only has guys who are friends and not potential boyfriends. Like was stated, even most righteous divorced men want to be sealed to their wife. She has had one potential relationship that went nowhere because of this. It is a hard thing all the way around.

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However, is there really anything wrong in marrying someone who is a widow like yourself, or looking for another companion who has experienced life as you have?

I would totally be open to marrying a widower, except that there are VERY few out there. On average from ages 20-40 there are more men that die than women because men tend to do more dangerous things (e.g. ride motorcycles, work with machinery, military). That being said, I went to a popular lds dating site to look at my prospects. There was 10 pages of widows my age looking to be married. There were 8 TOTAL widowers in the same age range. 8!

That being said, why would a widower even marry a widow? He can get clearance to be sealed to the second wife as well.

I have been told that when my second husband and I are both dead, we can be sealed together by our children. However, it still leaves uncertainty and therefore heartache in the marriage.

I'm not saying that Heavenly Father won't work it all out, because I'm sure he will, but it's still a hard thing to bare, no matter what rational assumptions we come up with it still boils down to this: He's not sealed to me and he's not sealed to our future children. I may be with another guy throughout eternity.

Have I thought about breaking the sealing? Yes. Goodness Yes! I may change my mind later on, but it still hurts a lot to think that. I have a baby with my first husband, I think it would be different if we didn't have any posterity. I honestly feel like I would be pulling the rug out from underneath him. I made covenants with him on the alters of the Temple that are supposed to go beyond death. I made PROMISES. And I'm going back on my word because something happened that wasn't his fault? Does anyone else see that it kind of makes me a liar?

Anyway, I appreciated every post on here. I enjoyed reading them. Keep them coming. I also appreciated some of the honest opinions on here. I assumed the answer was, "no" pretty much. I just wish I could be sealed to both like it was back in the 80's. It would save me a lot of heartache.

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I have always had some issues with church policy & even dome of the teachings. I have come to find peace in understanding that these issues are not with God but rather with mans interpretations of God & mans interpretating & trying to teach of Him.

To that end I always remind myself, "Don't sweat the small stuff, don't get hung up on details."

The sealing as part of the marriage ceremony is a tough one & one that may seem like a big deal. I do not want to minimize your concerns as they are very valid & I too would have concern if in your posistion.

However, in proper time I have no doubt that God will see fit to address all these concerns, taht things will be made right, that sealings may take place, even if not in this life.

We frequently hear it said that during the mellenium all these details will be worked out. I do believe there will many hundreds of thousands of things to be worked out in that day.

Trust in Him and all things will work out in His time.

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It would seem your biggest problem here is your age group. I hear all the time of older widowed members marrying for time only just to have a companion to live out the rest of their days with--no sealing required as they've been there, done that, it ain't long until the expiration date.

But you're this lovely young widow.

Dating might be frustrating at this point, but try to just take a deep breath, focus on your child and your own interests, continue to date, and who knows? Perhaps hearts will change.

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Have I thought about breaking the sealing? Yes. Goodness Yes! I may change my mind later on, but it still hurts a lot to think that. I have a baby with my first husband, I think it would be different if we didn't have any posterity. I honestly feel like I would be pulling the rug out from underneath him. I made covenants with him on the alters of the Temple that are supposed to go beyond death. I made PROMISES. And I'm going back on my word because something happened that wasn't his fault? Does anyone else see that it kind of makes me a liar?

Anyway, I appreciated every post on here. I enjoyed reading them. Keep them coming. I also appreciated some of the honest opinions on here. I assumed the answer was, "no" pretty much. I just wish I could be sealed to both like it was back in the 80's. It would save me a lot of heartache.

SelenaB, if you weren't a woman of character, and honest of heart, you would not be having such feelings.

For this I applaud, and a action worthy of praise. You have recognized your covenant, and you desire to keep it.

I believe the majority of the people on here understand your desire and concern of not being a liar. You made a promise. You want to keep it. It is a admirable trait.

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SelenaB, if you weren't a woman of character, and honest of heart, you would not be having such feelings.

For this I applaud, and a action worthy of praise. You have recognized your covenant, and you desire to keep it.

I believe the majority of the people on here understand your desire and concern of not being a liar. You made a promise. You want to keep it. It is a admirable trait.

Very Admirable Indeed!

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Trust in the Lord, and he'll prepare the way for you to find a wonderful man for the rest of this life. This life is really such a small bit of our existence that we should not consider 2 years or 50 years a long time to dwell with one person.

As for the sealing, it seals us to the family of God. Any and all righteous spouses you have, will still have some form of relationship with you and your children into the next life. Example: When called as an apostle Heber J Grant at the young age of 25, he wanted to know why he was called at such a young age. His biological father was Jedediah Grant, who died 9 days after Heber was born. His mother was sealed to Joseph Smith. In praying to know why he was called an apostle, Heber saw both fathers at the bar of God, pleading to have him called an apostle.

IOW, relationships do not die, nor are they ended in death, although they may be different than what we imagine them now.

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I have always had some issues with church policy & even dome of the teachings. I have come to find peace in understanding that these issues are not with God but rather with mans interpretations of God & mans interpretating & trying to teach of Him.

To that end I always remind myself, "Don't sweat the small stuff, don't get hung up on details."

The sealing as part of the marriage ceremony is a tough one & one that may seem like a big deal. I do not want to minimize your concerns as they are very valid & I too would have concern if in your posistion.

However, in proper time I have no doubt that God will see fit to address all these concerns, taht things will be made right, that sealings may take place, even if not in this life.

We frequently hear it said that during the mellenium all these details will be worked out. I do believe there will many hundreds of thousands of things to be worked out in that day.

Trust in Him and all things will work out in His time.

My mother just recently passed away. It was a sudden thing. One minute she was fine, the next she was gone. Just moments after I got the news, my heart filled with so many conflicting worries and regrets. You see, my mother and I had a very tumultuous relationship that never was resolved and I felt such guilt that I didn't have the chance to make it better. Anyway, just moments after receiving the news, my mind was opened to some spiritual instruction and wider views. I cannot convey properly the level of peace that infused my mind about all these worries in my heart. Over and over I was told it would all be ok....or that it was already ok. That all that I worried about was being healed, even in the moments of my mother's passing. I can't explain adequately, but I got the strong sense that all of our worldly cares wouldn't be an issue over there because of the vast tender mercies of the Lord.

So, while I can't know how God will make your situation ok. I'll add my testimony that it will all work out. Replace your fears and worries with faith. When these young prospective men come into your life, lead with this faith! You'll be led to the right ones and the right ones will be led to you.

I'll also invite you to pray and infuse your prayers with faith over this matter. If God notices even the hairs falling from our heads, he knows the deepest longings of our hearts! Picture Him already knowing your needs and preparing for their resolution. All is well. It really really is.

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Not to be a total wet blanket... but I would like to encourage you to look out a little bit farther. It is one thing to come to peace with the Lord will fix things on a personal level but what if you and this Guy (whomever he might be) have kids?

You will (presumably) want to teach them of the importance of being Sealed, because this is clearly something of high value to you. (as it should be) So how do you teach that when your example (as they will see it) runs contrary? They will not be sealed to the only (earthly) family they have ever known.

Again I am not trying to further depress you, but I see it as a much more important consideration. Because your spouse will have chosen his path with you but your child(ren) (if you have any) will not.

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Not to be a total wet blanket... but I would like to encourage you to look out a little bit farther. It is one thing to come to peace with the Lord will fix things on a personal level but what if you and this Guy (whomever he might be) have kids?

You will (presumably) want to teach them of the importance of being Sealed, because this is clearly something of high value to you. (as it should be) So how do you teach that when your example (as they will see it) runs contrary? They will not be sealed to the only (earthly) family they have ever known.

Again I am not trying to further depress you, but I see it as a much more important consideration. Because your spouse will have chosen his path with you but your child(ren) (if you have any) will not.

I see no conflict with doing the best one can with difficult circumstances and teaching correct principles.

If anything her children will grow up with loving wisdom about these things. Sometimes imperfect examples are the best way to teach broader concepts. Isn't earth life itself an example of this?

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I see no conflict with doing the best one can with difficult circumstances and teaching correct principles.

If anything her children will grow up with loving wisdom about these things. Sometimes imperfect examples are the best way to teach broader concepts. Isn't earth life itself an example of this?

Very possible...

Kids have ways of challenging us is ways we don't expect... And in this case she might think the issue is over once she finds a new man that will accept her conditions. I just wanted to give her a heads up that it most likely will not go away by just finding a man.

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Very possible...

Kids have ways of challenging us is ways we don't expect... And in this case she might think the issue is over once she finds a new man that will accept her conditions. I just wanted to give her a heads up that it most likely will not go away by just finding a man.

Well, the issue may not go away. I agree. Most likely there will be some fall out. But she can meet the fall out with the same faith she meets the original crisis. God will help and support and comfort! It'll all be just fine even if the kiddos do have a moment or two of angst. If this doesn't try the kids, something else will.

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Yeah I see what you're saying estradling75, and I will be open to all possibilities of how this will end up. I think I'm conflicted over this and it's not something that's going to be resolved easily. I don't want the sealing to be difficult on my next marriage, but any way I spin it, I think it will be.

I'm going to try to be a beacon of light to the men I date, and act like it's not a problem and everything will work out in the Lord's time. Faith is really the only answer, I just worry worry worry about the issues I'm facing.

My mom even suggested marrying outside the church because those men aren't "indoctrinated" but I don't want separate values, no priesthood and I still think that would be considered "marrying outside of the covenant." Although she said my children would still be born in the covenant....weird I know.

I just hope I can get through this. It's been a really emotionally tough couple of years and I think the next couple of years may be just as difficult in some ways.

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Another option is to consider men who are divorced and have kids. I'm sure there are some good worthy LDS younger men who may already have children that would consider marrying for time only. After I was divorced and started dating again I wouldn't of had any problem considering marrying for time only.

I didn't have much luck with the few widowers I attempted to get to know, even those with several kids. I thought I was quite a catch at the time. :rolleyes: I understand divorced guys are not the ideal and when dating anyone you need to keep what's best for your child in mind. Sometimes difficult trials can reveal a shining character.

I ended up finding a young never married professional who was willing to be run over by me and a truck load of kids and now we're living happily ever after :sparklygrin:

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You just teach the kids that they have two fathers, one biological and one sealed, and that both will be in their lives here and in the next life for eternity. That's all there is to it. The relationship doesn't end, simply because there is no direct sealing. We are all sealed to God, and therefore related. Those loving relations will continue, well into the next life.

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