Active Wife, inactive and unsure husband, baby on the way! Advice?


hmcd
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I am in the same situation but I am the guy that is having a faith crisis and my wife is you. What I can tell you is that it is very painful to lose your faith. It happens in all religions to all types of people. It is a real loss and he is going through the stages of grieving. You are also grieving for a real loss. I really appreciated when my wife would support me through this loss. I did not want testimony bearing what I wanted was a shoulder to cry on. I try to provide the same support for her. I still don't want testimony bearing but I have grown to appreciate spiritual experiences such as walks in nature and looking at the stars.

I don't know his situation but I can tell you that I was not offended and I am not involved in any major sin. What caused it to happen? I don't know but I think for me it was a natural extension of who I am. I question things, I use my logic and science side of my brain etc. Maybe he is the same way and maybe not.

I believe it is possible to make your marriage work. There are many people who do. I would show love and respect and make it clear you expect the same from him. We made new rules in our marriage about what was and what was not OK in our relationship. We thought about what the deal breakers were for both of us and we set up a plan. He may come back to church activity and he may not. It sounds like him being inactive is not a deal breaker for you. That is good. What sites does he visit? Feel free to PM me if you want more info.

I hope this was helpful. God bless!

Thank you so much, my husband informed me yesterday that he wanted to leave the church, with a side of "I dont know if I want to stay married to you". We talked and i feel ok right now,he is a great guy, i have no intentions of divorcing him, I just hope i can be strong enough, he dosent help that as on now he has no intentions of even trying to come back, so I dont even want to get my hopes up, feels like someone died. i feel like your situation is a variation of my husbands.

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I think for me it was a natural extension of who I am. I question things, I use my logic and science side of my brain etc.

For the record, there are many of us who question things and use logic and the science side of our brain, and yet feel no doubt about LDS Church doctrine or any need to leave the Church.

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Thank you so much, my husband informed me yesterday that he wanted to leave the church, with a side of "I dont know if I want to stay married to you". We talked and i feel ok right now,he is a great guy, i have no intentions of divorcing him, I just hope i can be strong enough, he dosent help that as on now he has no intentions of even trying to come back, so I dont even want to get my hopes up, feels like someone died. i feel like your situation is a variation of my husbands.

I do hope he decides he wants to stay married to you. I understand it can be just as painful for the spouse leaving the Church to learn his/her spouse has no intention of coming along.

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I do hope he decides he wants to stay married to you. I understand it can be just as painful for the spouse leaving the Church to learn his/her spouse has no intention of coming along.

me too! it has never come up before we have always has a really good relationship, he never thought i would follow just that he does not want to hurt me, or make things bad for our girls. He feels bad doing this to me,I guess I just have to prove to him that we can make this work,I know we both worry that the pain will be too much everyday. I would rather an inactive/not a member anymore spouse than none at all, I am not throwing that away. still, this is rotten.

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Yes, this is definitely not something I imagine you would be jumping for joy about. My recommendation is to work on your own spirituality--his loss of testimony doesn't need to destroy yours. But if you're both willing to make it work, I see no reason why you can't have a happy and strong marriage. Good luck to the both of you.

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Thank you so much, my husband informed me yesterday that he wanted to leave the church, with a side of "I dont know if I want to stay married to you". We talked and i feel ok right now,he is a great guy, i have no intentions of divorcing him, I just hope i can be strong enough, he dosent help that as on now he has no intentions of even trying to come back, so I dont even want to get my hopes up, feels like someone died. i feel like your situation is a variation of my husbands.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is a tough one. I hope that it all works out for you. I think it can for the right people. I would think about if you want to be with him as he is now (assuming that he doesn't return to church) and go from there. My wife wants me to return to belief and I want her to leave but I really want her to follow her own beliefs more. Also I would consider children and how they will be raised etc.

I personally feel that I am happier with my wife even with these differences than I would be without her. She feels the same about me. That helps us to work through the differences and find common ground. It can be hard when things are changing and that's why we have rules of what is and what is not OK. Our list includes things like pornography and alcohol.

Best of luck!

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I have to agree with Vort. When I took physical science in college, it absolutely cemented my belief in God rather than shaking it. I believe it was Henry Eyring (father of the apostle) who said in regards to the universe something to this effect: "if I found a watch ticking in the woods, I would ask not only who made it, but who wound it up," and that is exactly how I felt after learning about the way the universe works. The design is too detailed to be happenstance, both on the grand scale (think galaxies without number) and on the tiny scale as well (think quarks and bosons), and the way everything works together is incredible. The more I learned about the very miraculous processes of the elements and the human body, the more I believed in God, just as Henry Eyring did.

BUT, that might not help the OP. What might help is to know that you aren't alone. I know people who have gone through something like this and come out okay. I am in a similar situation, although in my case, I think it was my husband's addictions and other problems that first drove him away from the church, and then he lost his testimony after that. About 5 years ago, he went through a phase where he read the scriptures every day and prayed every day, and he said he didn't notice any difference in his life, so he quit. I've tried testifying to him and he's gotten to where he rolls his eyes or just completely stops me and tells me not to bother. So I don't say anything unless I feel a prompting to do so, which I do occasionally.

My best advice would be, get the spirit in your life as much as you can. Access the enabling power of the Atonement in your own life by believing that Christ can help you and strengthen you, and ask him to do that. Only God knows what is going to happen in your life, and only He knows what you need to do to make it all work out for the best.

Best of luck to you!

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Maybe I should have searched before posting - I get ahead of myself sometimes. :-) But I googled and found this talk by Henry Eyring Sr. that talks about the watch: Mormon Scholars Testify Blog Archive Henry Eyring

While I'm at it, here's a link to another talk I would have put in if I hadn't rushed. It's about the enabling power of the Atonement: Speeches

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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is a tough one. I hope that it all works out for you. I think it can for the right people. I would think about if you want to be with him as he is now (assuming that he doesn't return to church) and go from there. My wife wants me to return to belief and I want her to leave but I really want her to follow her own beliefs more. Also I would consider children and how they will be raised etc.

I personally feel that I am happier with my wife even with these differences than I would be without her. She feels the same about me. That helps us to work through the differences and find common ground. It can be hard when things are changing and that's why we have rules of what is and what is not OK. Our list includes things like pornography and alcohol.

Best of luck![/quote

Sounds much the same as our situation, we have always had a really solid relationship, and I know this is something we can handle. In all honestly I would rather he follows what he thinks is right, than pretend to believe. It just caught me off guard that in the months that proceeded this he expected divorce, wanting me to be able to find someone that believes. Its sweet and a dagger to the heart at the same time, did I mention we are expecting out 4th child shortly? I would rather have a life with him as he is than without him, I think in the past few days since he told me he has realized that is a valid option he will gladly take. He really is the most unselfish wonderfully loving man, I can not lie and say I would not love for him to come back, but it would be on his own steam and I can not expect that to ever happen. As for rules, we did the same, it has helped me to layout what will change and what will not, some are hard to wrap my head around, things that I have grown used to, temple attendance and baby blessings come to mind. But I have to keep in mind he is the same good person, he has no intentions of drinking or anything. And to be fair he has has made it clear he has no intentions of even being offended by the temple pictures, family prayer, or even my choice in underwear. He will not participate but just knowing that he does not want to change me helps. I hope that we can make the best of it and be stronger for it. Sorry to ramble on, my outlets are limited Thank you for sharing, it is good to know there are others out there doing just fine.

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Backroads good call about faceseast I always forget about them since I am the one who doesn't believe as before. I wonder if my wife would like that site....

Margaret, I am really glad that things look good for you now. You are not alone and it is a tough situation but if everything else is good in the marriage then its really no reason to get divorced. It's too sad that so many people do. You are also lucky that your husband is not wanting to go off the deep end and start partying like crazy. My wife really thought (initially) that was what this was all about and it took time to show her that I'm the same person I've always been.

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Backroads good call about faceseast I always forget about them since I am the one who doesn't believe as before. I wonder if my wife would like that site....

Margaret, I am really glad that things look good for you now. You are not alone and it is a tough situation but if everything else is good in the marriage then its really no reason to get divorced. It's too sad that so many people do. You are also lucky that your husband is not wanting to go off the deep end and start partying like crazy. My wife really thought (initially) that was what this was all about and it took time to show her that I'm the same person I've always been.

It's been a crazy week, but we are good, now I know it is going to be hard to deal with people. Most don't know, but we have a baby due in under a month, I will still have her blessed and that's hard to not notice. It is just hard I guess, I love him as he his, but we both know that deep down yes, I would love for him to come back. So it is hard when others rag on him, this far it was just his parents, and they try to be kind. But I don't want him to face that alone, but I also agree with at least half of what they are saying. It's hard to balance. Is is right to give up on him?!? I have, I mean, maybe someday, but I plan for raising teenagers with an inactive husband, we have all girls I know he will be right there with me on no dating, :) Faceseast is ok, but does not seem very active. But I totally get it, it is hard to see how much is the same, once one thing changes, makes you wonder how much he ment over the years, what else could change. But we are good, going on with life, Christmas, baby, get into grad school like we had originally planed. Just sucks for our relationship that inevitably yes, I will be sad off and on. People will say things. Ug! I don't like people.

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My wife really thought (initially) that was what this was all about and it took time to show her that I'm the same person I've always been.

Fascinating she would think this way. I've thought about what would bother me, and I think my fear if my spouse left the Church (though he has actually said my leaving it might make him consider divorce) would be him thinking less of me--I'm brainwashed, not worthy of respect, etc.

Edited by skippy740
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Fascinating she would think this way. I've thought about what would bother me, and I think my fear if my spouse left the Church (though he has actually said my leaving it might make him consider divorce) would be him thinking less of me--I'm brainwashed, not worthy of respect, etc.

I think she has the brainwashed fear as well. She has mentioned that before but her fear of me going off the deep end stems from her friends husband who did that same thing (IMO). Since he acted that way she is thinking I will act the same. There are so many differences between the scenarios but she doesn't see that she just thinks that if you leave the church you will lead an immoral life. I think I can only show her by example that's not the case (I haven't left the church btw, I just don't feel the same about it).

The divorce comment is rough. Was that hard for you to hear? I guess saying I would. consider divorce is not as hard as the spouse saying I would divorce you (definitely).

Margaret,

I hear what you are saying about it being a tough week. I don't know how it will be for you but we've had a lot of those weeks. I think it's something that is so important that the hurt doesn't just go away. It has dragged on for us (but definitely good times in between). Take care of that baby and enjoy Christmas (what horrible timing...)

Finrock, I read the article you posted. I liked it but there were parts I definitely don't agree with. I am glad that the church is trying to address these situations.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hmcd, I have enjoyed reading this post and hope it helps you. As background, I joined the church 15 years ago, after my (now) husband and I had been dating for a few years. Ever since, I have struggled with various aspects of the church and have had bouts of inactivity, mostly just because I was TIRED of the internal struggle :(.

My husband is a great man, went on a mission, but keeps everything to himself. My faith journey during these past 15 years has been very very lonely. I often think about how much better things would have been if I'd had ONE person to talk openly with, to discuss my concerns with, to know that they loved me unconditionally despite my doubts. So that's what I'd do if I were you. I am "active" right now but I still dont believe in anything other than basic Christianity. I go to church for my family, which is very difficult.

Just let him know that you love him unconditionally, listen to his doubts, don't judge him or try to sway his feelings. Meanwhile, live life like you know how to live it. I think he will come around :-). Good luck!

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Hmcd, I have enjoyed reading this post and hope it helps you. As background, I joined the church 15 years ago, after my (now) husband and I had been dating for a few years. Ever since, I have struggled with various aspects of the church and have had bouts of inactivity, mostly just because I was TIRED of the internal struggle :(.

My husband is a great man, went on a mission, but keeps everything to himself. My faith journey during these past 15 years has been very very lonely. I often think about how much better things would have been if I'd had ONE person to talk openly with, to discuss my concerns with, to know that they loved me unconditionally despite my doubts. So that's what I'd do if I were you. I am "active" right now but I still dont believe in anything other than basic Christianity. I go to church for my family, which is very difficult.

Just let him know that you love him unconditionally, listen to his doubts, don't judge him or try to sway his feelings. Meanwhile, live life like you know how to live it. I think he will come around :-). Good luck!

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