I have issues with my bishop

[Flowerchild]

So my bishop is so arrogant! He always, ALWAYS! uses himself and his perfect little family as the perfect example that everyone should follow, even though his oldest kid is in the 5th grade. What does he know about raising kids!!! We have people in our ward with REAL problems with their teens and adult children (around his age). All he does is kiss up to our Stake president and have special parties with the "elite" memebers of our ward.

I know I shouldn't have these feelings and I feel really guilty, but I just don't know how to get over it

[Guest SquidMom]

Everyone has their faults, and bishops are people, too. I had a HORRIBLE bishop once, and a bad experience with him actually drove away from the church for several years. I eventually got my head, (and my pride,) out of my rear end and decided not to let one idiot keep me away from the entire organization. If he bothers you that much, just avoid him as much as possible. Or at least, avoid talking about the issues you feel he is so pig-headed about, anyway. There is usually someone else in the upper eschelons of the priesthood that you can talk to.

[slamjet]

Yes, I had a few like that. When I was a teen, I had a Bishop who would look at my family cross-eyed because a couple of my siblings went "off the reservation." Then it happened to him and he told my dad that "he didn't know what went wrong." It happens to most all families. It hasn't come up for his family... yet.

[Backroads]

My guess... he's probably trying to make his family sound better than they really are. I imagine he feels that, as bishop, he ought to have the perfect family to present to the ward, so he goes out of his way to hide problems. If you could peak in on that family, really peak in on them, you'd find them to be just as flawed as anyone else.

Other than that, I would just roll my eyes and shrug him off when he talks like that... while still sustaining him as bishop.

[Bini]

So my bishop is so arrogant! He always, ALWAYS! uses himself and his perfect little family as the perfect example that everyone should follow, even though his oldest kid is in the 5th grade. What does he know about raising kids!!! We have people in our ward with REAL problems with their teens and adult children (around his age). All he does is kiss up to our Stake president and have special parties with the "elite" memebers of our ward.

I know I shouldn't have these feelings and I feel really guilty, but I just don't know how to get over it

I had a bishop I did not trust, that said, sometimes what is meant as inspiration and motivation, comes across as arrogance. On the note of "elite" ward members.. What qualifies as being an elite? I'm assuming these special parties are private? In which case, the bishop and his family are allowed to attend private parties with select individuals. I'm not entirely sold that such circumstances equate to: we are better than everyone else. Just some thoughts..

[Vort]

So my bishop is so arrogant! He always, ALWAYS! uses himself and his perfect little family as the perfect example that everyone should follow, even though his oldest kid is in the 5th grade. What does he know about raising kids!!! We have people in our ward with REAL problems with their teens and adult children (around his age). All he does is kiss up to our Stake president and have special parties with the "elite" memebers of our ward.

I know I shouldn't have these feelings and I feel really guilty, but I just don't know how to get over it

In what way does he use his family as a "perfect" example? You mean like, "When my son Bobby got offered pot at school, he had learned in FHE to say 'No, I don't smoke marijuana' and then walk away"? Or more like, "That has never been a problem in my family"?

In what way does he "kiss up to" your stake president?

Can you describe what kind of "special parties" he has and who the "elite members" are that he parties with?

[Flowerchild]

I had a bishop I did not trust, that said, sometimes what is meant as inspiration and motivation, comes across as arrogance. On the note of "elite" ward members.. What qualifies as being an elite? I'm assuming these special parties are private? In which case, the bishop and his family are allowed to attend private parties with select individuals. I'm not entirely sold that such circumstances equate to: we are better than everyone else. Just some thoughts..

It's not that he has dinner parties that we're not invited to ... it's like when we have a social event at church the only people he goes out of his way to talk to are the "elite" like past bishops the stake president and others who tell him how great he is. And when new people move in I hear his wife talk about inviting them over for dinner and it is interesting they only invite the ones over who were a bishop or something in their old ward.

[Bini]

It's not that he has dinner parties that we're not invited to ... it's like when we have a social event at church the only people he goes out of his way to talk to are the "elite" like past bishops the stake president and others who tell him how great he is. And when new people move in I hear his wife talk about inviting them over for dinner and it is interesting they only invite the ones over who were a bishop or something in their old ward.

Invite your bishop and his family over to your home for dinner :) See what their response is?

[Backroads]

It's not that he has dinner parties that we're not invited to ... it's like when we have a social event at church the only people he goes out of his way to talk to are the "elite" like past bishops the stake president and others who tell him how great he is. And when new people move in I hear his wife talk about inviting them over for dinner and it is interesting they only invite the ones over who were a bishop or something in their old ward.

I don't know how rampant this in church culture, but there does seem to be a subset of people who see church callings as celibrity statuses... and your bishop might be in that.

[Flowerchild]

In what way does he use his family as a "perfect" example? You mean like, "When my son Bobby got offered pot at school, he had learned in FHE to say 'No, I don't smoke marijuana' and then walk away"? Or more like, "That has never been a problem in my family"?

In what way does he "kiss up to" your stake president?

Can you describe what kind of "special parties" he has and who the "elite members" are that he parties with?

He says stuff like . . "Our family loves each other so much because we never raise our voices" or "Our kids never get behind on homework, because my wife is so organized" "Your family can be at peace too if you have family prayer twice a day like we do" But you know, his kids are in elementary school! When my kids were little and all on the same schedule I thought my life was organized and perfect. But kids grow up and start making their own decisions and come and leave at different times. That makes it hard to keep up with the "checklist" It just seems he doesn't understand how anyone else lives.

[Flowerchild]

Invite your bishop and his family over to your home for dinner :) See what their response is?

I'm not feeling bad about not having dinner with them. I don't care! I just hate it when church callings seem more politically motivated than spiritually.

[Backroads]

I wonder what would happen if someone close to him mentioned that it's in rather poor taste to say such things...

[Flowerchild]

I don't know how rampant this in church culture, but there does seem to be a subset of people who see church callings as celibrity statuses... and your bishop might be in that.

Yeah, he likes to be in the spotlight. I really like his counselors, we just talk to them (or should I say they talk to us) more than the bishop does. It seems like he doesn't talk to us because we don't help his "celebrity status". It really doesn't matter. My husband keeps telling me the gospel is true even though the memebers are not.

[Bini]

I'm not feeling bad about not having dinner with them. I don't care! I just hate it when church callings seem more politically motivated than spiritually.

Well you seem a bit high strung for not caring. Like I said, intended inspiration and motivation can sometimes feel like arrogance. Just remember, no one is flawless, including your bishop and his family. Like with everything, there will always be people that rub us the wrong way, in your case it's your bishop and how he communicates. Take the good that you can from the examples and experiences he shares but don't allow yourself to feel inferior or hopeless. Surely, that is not his intentions as a bishop.

[Guest]

I don't care! .

Clearly you do.

He's trying to teach by example. I get how that could come off as holier-than-thou, but have you considered that he has an enormously difficult calling and he's just doing his best? Is it bad advice to pray twice a day as a family? Is praising your wife's strengths a fault? Should he balance it by telling the ward what she's not so good at? Could it be that he associates with previous bishops and other leadership, because they understand what burdens he carries and he needs their moral support?

Something interesting happened to me Sunday. I play piano for choir. There's a guy in the choir who nit-picks and complains about everything and fancies himself the resident expert in music, even though we have a lot of highly talented people in the ward. He tends to browbeat whoever the choir leader is about how he thinks we should be practicing, what he thinks we should be working on, etc. So he definitely gets on my nerves.

Sunday after practice I saw him talking to my good friend, who is the new choir director. I saw him waving his arms as if to conduct, and heard a few of the words he was saying. What I was SURE I heard was him correcting her leading, telling her how she should be doing something, and requesting the solo for the Christmas program. It's good that my friend and I rode together, because in actuality he was praising her for the good job she's doing, citing a specific part that's hard to lead, and encouraging her efforts.

Because I have seen this guy, with good intentions, do things that annoy me, I assumed I knew what he was saying. I mean really, I thought for sure I had heard something else, and had detected superiority in his voice. The truth is, it was my own prejudice coloring my perception. The important part? It was none of my business either way.

Try praying for your bishop, and for his wife who is, for all intents and purposes, raising a young family by herself. She probably needs the build-up from her husband, who can't be there to help her because he is serving you and the other ward members. Take it a step further and ask them how you can help make their burden lighter. I promise, being a bishop is not a glitzy calling, nor an easy life, especially for a young father.

[classylady]

I've found through the years that there all sorts of personalities with bishops. I've had several bishops whose social skills seemed to be lacking. I had one particular bishop that really lacked in the social skills. He didn't seem to be friendly at all. My teenagers (at the time) did not like him. He was strictly a letter-of-the law type individual, and not the spirit-of-the-law type. He was our bishop when our 19 year old daughter died in a car accident. I saw him in a whole new light. He was very compassionate. He and his councilors were there and gave us wonderful blessings of peace. I felt his spirituality. That did not change his personality. Through the years I've come to realize that we are all sinners. We all have strengths and weaknesses. So does the bishop. Bishops are not called because they are perfect. In fact there most likely are members in the ward who may be more spiritual than the bishop. But, the bishop is called to serve the Lord, and in so doing, serving the Lord's sheep. Who knows, but your particular bishop may be able to reach some people, and is a great blessing in their lives.

I had a humbling experience once. I have had to repent for this one. My all time favorite calling is as a Relief Society Teacher. I love teaching the sisters. I love the spirit I feel as I prepare my lessons, and all that I learn. In every ward I've been in, that seems to be the calling that I am called to. There will be times when I am called into a different organization for a short while, but then I am always called back to serve as a Relief Society teacher. There was a time when I was serving in a different capacity, and I knew the Relief Society needed another teacher. I know we shouldn't aspire to certain callings in the church, but I was aspiring to this one. I wanted out of my other assignment, and back in Relief Society. I knew the Relief Society President knew I was a good teacher. She often told me she wanted me back in Relief Society. But, then another sister was called to be the teacher. A sister I knew (and loved), and who struggled with teaching the lessons. Her confidence level wasn't high. Her husband wasn't active, and she had been semi-active for many years. I came to realize that she was called for a reason. Not only did she gain confidence as she learned to teach, but her husband started attending church. I was humbled to know that even though I was a good teacher, and I don't mean to sound boastful, but probably a better teacher, the Lord had someone else in mind. His will, not mine. He knows what we need to improve our lives, and his other children.

We are asked to sustain our leaders--even a leader with weaknesses and personalities that we may not particularly like. Your bishop was called for a reason. Allow him to grow and repent. He will probably be humbled as he continues in his calling. It isn't easy. And as time goes by, he will probably be humbled by some of the actions of his children. Allow him to grow.

I remember before I ever had children, that every time I saw a toddler with a disgusting runny nose, I would think "I would never allow my child to have a snotty nose! I will certainly make sure their nose gets wiped!" Well, guess what. My toddlers had snotty noses at times. No matter, my diligence in trying to get their nose wiped. Perhaps, your bishop is still in that stage where he believes his children will never have any problems. Give it time. It will happen. And if it doesn't, there will be other ways that he is humbled. It happens.

Edited November 20, 2012 by classylady

[Backroads]

I don't think you even have to like the man. Hey, personalities clash. But unless he's doing something he really ought not to be doing, it might be best to turn a blind eye to his shortcomings and realize he was called to be doing what he's doing.

[pam]

I'm going to close this thread. I would advise reading the site rules. In particular rule #1.

Edited November 20, 2012 by pam