My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years. We have one daughter, 18 months old.
The last three and a half months have been @#!*% . It has been a loveless and sexless marriage.
I am responsible for much of the unhappiness in my marriage because I neglected to help my wife remain in love with me for so long. I am addicted to lust, pornography and masturbation. I've been in PASG and counceling for at least 2 months. I have made some progress. My wife knew about my problems before we got married. It has been a continual problem since, there were times of dishonesty and secrecy. I do not hide in secrecy or dishonesty anymore. My pain is out in the open, I am vulnerable now. I am working on rebuilding intimate relationships with many in my life.
About 3 months ago we started seeing a councilor and the bishop because my wife no longer felt she loved me. I was angry at first and felt entitled to that love and to her body and to many other things. I went through many cycles of overcoming these feelings of entitlement, with each cycle, my wife just became more and more stubborn. She got tired of the talks, the ultimatums, and I think the marriage too. I have great spiritual ideas and love my wife. I want to work out our problems, I am commited to us. She isnt sure she wants to commit and it has been that way for 3 months.
There were a few small moments of domestic violence, no actual physical abuse or anything of that sort. I hit the wall once and another time I tried to keep her in the same room with me to work out our problems. Now two months later, she decided to serve me with an order of protection and kick me out of my own home. I talked with a lawyer, I probably won't win.
When I recieved the news I was being served, I was devastated. It was like the air was taken from my lungs and my world was collapsing.
When I learned I wouldn't win or even have a decent chance of winning, my small hopes of returning to my home were dashed. I curled up in a ball and cried till I had no more tears to give.
I am a broken man. I have learned much about my savior and the atonement. I have done much repenting. God has seen fit to humble me and let me experience long suffering.
Recently, I went to get a massage from a woman in town. I could feel the spirit trying to warn me that all was not right, but I ignored him. The room was dark, lit by candles. I was told to strip naked and lie on the table face down. At one point the "massage therapist" took her top off so that she wouldn't get lotion on it while she worked on me, I had an opportunity to decline, but I accepted instead. I was uncomfortable after that, but because it felt so good to be touched by a woman with tender hands and have that feeling of warmth on my skin, I wasn't courageous enough to tell her to put her top on or to walk out. She offered a happy ending and I declined. I didn't become aroused at all, probably because I wasn't feeling right about what was happening.
I emailed my bishop immediately afterwards and confessed. I wish I could tell my wife, but the order of protection prohibits me from saying anything. Even through 3rd party contact. I'm afraid of the consequences. Do you think there will be church disciplinary actions? I still have my temple recommend. I also fear my wife will divorce me, but she is probably going to do that anyways, even if I never get to tell her about this incident... I don't think divorce is an answer, it just creates new problems.Repentance and the Atonement are the answers
Beyond the fear, I am more concerned about my standing before God. This is a whole new level of infidelity for me. I understand why I was tempted to do it and I won't be repeating the incident. I've been in a very vulnerable state lately and I've been sustained by God moment to moment. I've been able to endure more pain than I ever thought I could because of the atonement and God's mercy. It was just a few short hours I decided to ignore the spirit and his protection and now I've done something I will regret for the rest of my life. Sigh.
This is a shortened an simplified version of my story at best. There are a million details that I couldn't include, but I think I got the point across. Any constructive thoughts or sympathy or even critisim is welcome. What do you think? Thanks in advance.
Edited by magicmormon, 23 January 2013 - 03:34 AM.