Money Matters in Marriage

[sunshinewai]

O.k I have searched this site but to no avail so I am going to just throw this out there. What is the deal with Money in Marriage. My Husband earns a fulltime wage and is the breadwinner in our Marriage. We have no children so when I am home I take pride in do our housework. I cook for my Husband and love to tend after him and our house and financial affairs. This is where it gets tricky. He doesn't seem to 'like' to pay the rent. He does though but always grudging. I work split shifts on a casual Telemarketing job and can earn abit if I get the hours. I like to plan for the future and am very frugal,. I would like to purchase a house someday but he has no intentions to do so as he thinks he will still be alive when the saviour comes. How should we deal with our money so its fair? When he gets his wages he will moan about having to pay the rent and when i get money he expects me to splash out and buy food or gifts for him?.. does anyone have any tips please?

[Vort]

I don't understand. What is the alternative to paying rent? Living in a tent?

[Anddenex]

I definitely can understand the moaning and groaning of paying rent. I really don't like paying rent either, however I don't mind paying my mortgage although I wish it was already paid for.

Paying rent is putting money into someone else's pocket with no long term benefits, unless of course you still live in the same home for a very long time...until dead.

Yet, I would rather own even if the Savior's return is in my life. I wouldn't be surprised if his return is in our lives, however there are a lot of prophecies which still need to be fulfilled before he returns, and thus he may not return in our lives. Thus if not buying a house due to the Lord's coming and he doesn't come...wasted opportunity. Even if he does, wasted opportunity. Much better to own then pay rent. My opinion.

Living in a tent is definitely an option, you will just have to pay campground fees unless you camp where there are no fees. I have a friend who brother and sister-in-law lived in a tent because they liked the outdoors. However, living in a tent isn't for everyone.

His desire to not pay for a mortgage reminds me of a talk I once read from Elder Packer, may have been Elder Ballard, been a long time since I read the talk on my mission. He mentioned the importance of unpacking our luggage when we move apartments. He mentioned missionaries would be happier if they unpacked. I found this to be true from experiencing missionaries who unpacked and missionaries who didn't.

I have no suggestions regarding wages and how they should be fairly spent. That is something each married couple must determine themselves.

Best wishes.

Edited January 31, 2013 by Anddenex

[Vort]

My question is serious. He doesn't want to buy a house and he doesn't want to pay rent, so therefore he wants to...what? Live with his parents? Live with YOUR parents? Live in a tent? I am not understanding what he wants to do.

And, just between us, I think the idea that "I don't want to buy a home because the Second Coming might negate its value" is almost unspeakably silly.

But to try to answer your question without understanding the basis of the rent/buy thing: My wife and I do not maintain separate accounts. We are married, and we consider our finances to be one single pool. There is no "mine" and "hers", just "ours". Overall, this works very well for us. We don't have much discretionary income, so we're careful about what we buy. My job is to make the money, and for the most part, her job is to spend it. Works well for us. I think most of the people we know follow a similar philosophy, though I'm not sure of that.

[Windseeker]

Your husband sounds hilarious, I'd like to have a root beer with him some time.

But seriously he needs to grow up a little.

[Dravin]

How should we deal with our money so its fair?

In a way that is mutually satisfactory to mature individuals. Really, not knowing you, or even the particulars of your circumstances there isn't much to tell you. I'm not even sure I understand where you and your husband are at odds, beyond the buying a house thing and that's not really a general managing money issue but something else.

When he gets his wages he will moan about having to pay the rent and when i get money he expects me to splash out and buy food or gifts for him?.. does anyone have any tips please?

Based on the extremely small amount of information I'd say, rightly or wrongly, he feels like he's not getting enough fun money. Not sure if that's a in comparison to what you get, or just he feels he doesn't get to play enough but it's all going to bills. If he's a spender and you are frugal he may feel that scrimping to save the cost of a dinner out or movie is a soul crushing existence. Frugal people feel good about having money in the bank as back-up or for a specific purpose, spenders feel good when they get to buy stuff with their money. If you are a saver and he is a spender then I could see some friction.

[Iggy]

Husband earned way more money than I ever could. Fortunately his attitude is: It is ALL our money. When I worked, my wages went into the same account as his wages.

He paid the credit card debt he had accrued prior to our marriage, after I had paid all of the bills. Gotta love ePay, AutoPay via online banking.

Before either one of us spent over $100.00 in one shopping trip, we talked about it. For me, that was monthly grocery shopping. I made a list - showed it to him along with an estimated $ amount that would be spent.

When he purchased Day Trading stuff, he would make sure that it wouldn't break the bank- he had $XX amount of money set aside just for that, independent of our joint money. This was set up prior to our marriage and as far as I am concerned that is his and only his. Just like my books, and mother's dishes are mine and only mine.

The only time he spent joint money and did not discuss it before hand with me, was for a diet scheme. He got ripped off to the tune of $3,000.00. I got mad- then I got over it.

I have overspent on items for the house. Wants rather than needs. Put us in the red - and he had to cash out some of his Day Trading money to cover the NSF charges and put money into the account until the pension check came.

We have now been retired - jointly - for 2 years. I know just how much of our retirement money can go to groceries. I also know when and when not to purchase extras to replenish our storage.

He also knows that we have to talk together when he wants to purchase 'big ticket' items.

The latest 'big ticket' item is me. I am getting my teeth totally overhauled. Uppers extracted replaced with dentures. Lowers worked on and partial plate. He withdrew money from his EdJones account and paid off in full one of our two credit cards. We are using that credit card to pay for my dental.

After June he will have an implant done. Just one fortunately ~ then his dental will be done.

My first husband was the play first and ignore the bills type of guy. After years of being yelled at when the past due notices came, I realized that I had better take control of the checking account. I was working full time, as was he - but I had my own account. He could not sign on my account. I took 2/3 the money for bills out of his (actually joint) account and 1/3 out of my account and paid the bills. My clothes and make up came out of my wages. Everything else came out of the joint account.

I much prefer second husband and his way of sharing the bill paying process.

Edited January 31, 2013 by Iggy

[Just_A_Guy]

Money problems, if unresolved, will end the marriage eventually. It's only a matter of time. Your problem ends in one of three ways:

1) You go to counseling, get on the same page about finances, learn to manage your money together, and go on to have a great marriage and live happily ever after.

2) You are young, childless, divorced, and relatively independent financially.

3) You are old, have kids, divorced, and saddled with tens of thousands of dollars' worth of debt incurred by him.

Fix it.

Edited January 31, 2013 by Just_A_Guy

[NightSG]

He doesn't seem to 'like' to pay the rent.

Uh...I don't like to pay the rent either, but it beats living in my car.

[MorningStar]

Does he think you shouldn't put money in retirement either because the second coming is going to happen soon? How far is he taking this?

[NeuroTypical]

He doesn't seem to 'like' to pay the rent. He does though but always grudging.

Wait - so he always pays the rent? He just gripes about it?

What's the problem again?

[Guest]

The biggest thing that concerns me is the talk of "him" paying the rent, and wanting "you" to pick up more of the bills. In a marriage there should be no his money and her money. Why are you living like roommates?

[estradling75]

The biggest thing that concerns me is the talk of "him" paying the rent, and wanting "you" to pick up more of the bills. In a marriage there should be no his money and her money. Why are you living like roommates?

My parents work like that... And it has worked for a very long time. How the OP and her husband choose to go about it is less important then them finding a way that works for them.

I would guess that the root of this problem isn't money (that is just how it manifests) but in communication. They need to sit down and have a nice long talk about expectations, goals, desires. And then work out a mutually agreeable plan to meet the things they find to be important

[Guest]

I'm sincerely glad they've made it work for them. I have to admit that I don't get it, though. That's part of cleaving to each other to me: leaving our singular selves behind to become one in all things.

[mnn727]

DW and I make near the same amount. Everything goes into one account, we give ourselves an allowance every payday that we spend on what we want for ourselves. We pay for everything else with a credit card that returns cash to our home mortgage and then pay it off every month. Every payday we move money into savings and both contribute to 401K's

being older, no kids at home and both professional we do have discretionary income. We also pay off loans (car and home) early. We are on track to pay off a 30 year mortgage in 14 years. Car loans (if necessary at all) are paid off in 2-3 years.

Grumbling about having to pay rent IMHO is childish.

---

As far as your husband believing the Lord will come soon. "No man knows the hour of His return, only God knows that" You two need to get on the same page as far as finances go or you are in for big troubles. Disagreements over fiances are one of the leading causes of divorce.

Edited January 31, 2013 by mnn727

[applepansy]

O.k I have searched this site but to no avail so I am going to just throw this out there. What is the deal with Money in Marriage. My Husband earns a fulltime wage and is the breadwinner in our Marriage. We have no children so when I am home I take pride in do our housework. I cook for my Husband and love to tend after him and our house and financial affairs. This is where it gets tricky. He doesn't seem to 'like' to pay the rent. He does though but always grudging. I work split shifts on a casual Telemarketing job and can earn abit if I get the hours. I like to plan for the future and am very frugal,. I would like to purchase a house someday but he has no intentions to do so as he thinks he will still be alive when the saviour comes. How should we deal with our money so its fair? When he gets his wages he will moan about having to pay the rent and when i get money he expects me to splash out and buy food or gifts for him?.. does anyone have any tips please?

You've gotten some great replies.

I don't understand what your husband expects if he doesn't pay rent either.

One thing no one has addressed is: What will life be like AFTER the Savior comes? I doubt everyone's debt just go away. I doubt jobs will just go away. I don't see the logistics of our world changing much. What will change is our hearts.

What is the Gospel? In a nutshell, Service is the center of the Gospel. We show love through service. We are commanded to serve others. After the Savior comes I think more people will understand the concept of service and once the whole heart-turning thing will happen for most people, I see more service happening. We also know that Satan will be chained for 1,000 years. What happens to people who follow Satan? I suspect they will be chained too since there will be no sin during that thousand years.

What will the logistics of life be during the Millennium? No jobs? No bills? I doubt it. I see our world being very similar to now, except there will be no sin. No greed. No stealing (usury?) So... how will we live? In a tent? Maybe. But maybe not.... I think we'll need a roof over our heads. So how does your husband expect he'll be living after the Savior returns IF the Savior returns during your husband's lifetime?

So... owning a house when the Savior comes seems like a good plan because the owner would then be in a better financial position to give meaningful service. Being debt free would be another good goal, because again you'd be more able to give meaningful service.

Your profile says you're 31. I'm assuming your husband is around the same age. How long have you been married? Somewhere along the line your husband hasn't grown up. Either he grows up and you work together on your finances and life (whatever that looks like) or you don't and you end up not together. One thing marriage requires from both partners is unselfishness.

If I was in your shoes (as described), I would start with prayer and maybe fasting, the I would identify, together, what the areas of disagreement are. Then discuss plans to resolve those areas of disagreement. This might require counseling because a third person can help take the emotion out of the arguments/discussions. Resolution will definitely require both of you to be unselfish.

I wish you all the best in working this out.

[derblitzenator]

It's extremely short-sighted not to buy a house in most areas. I don't know about where everybody else lives, but it's actually cheaper where I live to buy a house than to rent. Did I mention that I get to deduct the mortgage interest on my taxes and that the house will be mine rent-free when I pay it off? I also can't get ousted by a landlord ever. For those reasons alone, I'd buy a house even if the Second Coming happens within 10 years.

Don't misunderstand me, there are legitimate reasons to want to stay renting, but waiting for the Second Coming isn't one of them. In fact, none of my important life decisions are made with the aforethought that the Millennium might derail my long-term plans. If the Millennium happens to intervene with something I'm investing in where I don't receive the real payoff in this lifetime, I still don't think it'll be my biggest worry on the day of the Second Coming like whether my spiritual affairs are in order.

[HopeinLDS]

My wife and I have always had different view of money. She owns $1500 dollar purse and $300 pair of sunglasses. This was before we met. On the hand I might of owned $300 dollars worth of stuff. About 2 years my wife gave an XM radio. I quickly got hook on Dave Ramsey. I am not trying to peddle is product but it is rooted in Christian believes and it works. When we were married we didn’t even know what a budget was. We just paid our bills by what paycheck it was and she balanced the checkbook. When we got serious about our money, I found $700 error because she has been rounding up in her checkbook for years. I was lucky to maintain 50 bucks. We realized that 2 checking accounts were dumb and need to be one. I don’t know how your checkbook is but two different checkbooks and can cause financial infidelity; which can be a big deal to many.

January of 2011 I wrote our first written budget. For the last 2 years we plan out the monthly budget together. We have to agree on it. I would say make each other sign it even if it has to change, sign the new budget. Things do come up and you do need to ready. I know it is a challenge but you to prepare for the future. We also keep track of all our debt and I project the year. My wife and I don’t stress about money because we have small savings that we just went through because of an accident and surgery for our dog. We are a faith that teaches to prepare this includes financially too. Remember we have been command “to be good Stewarts of our money” and taught to multiply our talents.

Here are 5 steps to get you started:

Do a written budget.

If you don’t have CASH you can’t afford it. (minus cars and house for now)

The first check you write is Tithing.

Put $1000 in savings for the day that “Murphy Laws” visits.

If it is not in the budget you can’t buy it. (This one is hard for me.)

IDB

Edited January 31, 2013 by HopeinLDS

[Backroads]

Husband and I are renting. We're both 28. Husband is still technically in school. We simply don't have enough money right now to buy a house, though we'd like to work towards a down payment sum in the future. Right now it's just not feasible. Fact is--getting a house where we pay mortgage instead of rent (though buying the house outright would be really really cool) is a goal that is neither here nor there in relation to the Savior coming.

[garryw]

My 1st wife was a SAHM so obviously I paid for everything. I later found out the problem with that is SAHMs are pretty much shoe-ins to get the kids in a divorce, and tons of alimony. Dont get me started on no-fault divorce and alimony lol.

I later remarried to someone who has a career, she makes 25% of my income. Although she does not contribute to household expenses, it makes me feel good to know she works. The first time I saw her put gas in her car with her own money it was like a whole new world to me. I'd never seen anything like that, I grew up with a stay at home mom.

Anyway, good luck with your rent. Don't marry anyone you can't afford to pay alimony to.

[Guest]

A lovely sentiment as always, garry.

[mrmarklin]

Your spouse is a bit naive about the Second Coming:

D&C 130:

2 And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy.

Things will change, but they'll stay the same. Actually talking about the Celestial Glory, but I doubt the Millenium will be any different, socially.

[charvzgin24]

When it comes to choice between buying a home or renting one is among the biggest financial decisions that many people make. But the costs of buying are more varied and complicated than for renting, making it hard to tell which is a better deal. Every now and then, a “rent-or-buy” comparison will come out on a business news website. Many of them are mendacious if not outright propaganda, as most leave out a ton of data and hidden fees of homeownership. However, Zillow, oddly enough, has actually come up with one that is near to reality.