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My girlfriend is going on a mission.


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#1 Brando112747

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 04:24 PM

My girlfriend got her mission call 3 weeks ago and doesn't leave till the beginning of August. I am excited for her and have been supporting her. Even gave her a little gift basket of stuff from her country. Problem is I feel like she's severing ties because of her mission. We've only been dating 2 months, but I feel like I could marry this girl. When you know you know. We haven't talked about it. I don't want to scare her off and I'm not sure she's ready to be married. Not entirely sure I am either, but I feel I could be in a year or so. If she does go I feel I could wait for her, but I'm worried we won't even be dating that long. I know she likes me, I just think the mission has gone to her head not to be serious with anyone. I want to say something, but I'm afraid if I do that it will be over. Any advice is much appreciated. I hope this all makes sense.

#2 pam

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 04:32 PM

Of course the mission has gone to her head. She is doing what she feels is something she needs to do. Her thoughts SHOULD be on her mission and not with starting or developing a love relationship at this time.

#3 Backroads

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 04:45 PM

Clearly, mission is her priority right now. I suppose you could take a chance and propose, but if neither of you are sure on marriage you should just let her serve the Lord, be a good letter-writer, take some time to persue your own life, and let the relationship go where it will when she gets back.

Edited by Backroads, 05 March 2013 - 04:48 PM.

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#4 Eowyn

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 05:06 PM

For some reason I'm imagining that her name is Stella.
Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

#5 dahlia

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 06:05 PM

I'm curious - can a person decline a mission? If the OP proposed and his girlfriend said yes before she went to the MTC, could she decline to go? I assume that once you're in the MTC all bets (or proposals) are off. What if you just got cold feet - can you decline? Does the Church make you sign anything when you agree to go, but before you go to the MTC? Do you sign at the MTC?

#6 Eowyn

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 06:14 PM

I'm curious - can a person decline a mission? If the OP proposed and his girlfriend said yes before she went to the MTC, could she decline to go? I assume that once you're in the MTC all bets (or proposals) are off.

What if you just got cold feet - can you decline? Does the Church make you sign anything when you agree to go, but before you go to the MTC? Do you sign at the MTC?


A mission is 100% choice, from start to finish. A missionary can pull out at any time without any discipline or anything like that. That's not to say there might not be a social stigma, but that's on the shoulders of the people who put themselves in a place to judge.

My nephew put in his papers, got his call, and had a date to report. He asked for a little longer and they gave him 6 more months before he had to report. Then he got engaged and cancelled, or whatever it is you do. He was happily married in the temple.

Another nephew reported to the MTC and left a week later. He just decided he didn't want to do it after all. He has some anxiety and OCD issues. Even though he had counseling and medications prescribed and was cleared to return about 2 months after he left, he elected not to go back.

It's always a choice. No one should be forcing or coercing a missionary to serve. Service without love is slavery.
Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

#7 Roseslipper

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 08:52 PM

i think its great that shes going on a mission.

#8 Vort

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 09:13 PM

For some reason I'm imagining that her name is Stella.


You mean Starla?

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#9 Brando112747

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 10:25 PM

Isn't it true girls are supposed to get married instead of a mission? I think I've heard that multiple times.

#10 pam

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 10:36 PM

Perhaps years and years ago that was more of the norm. But these days, more and more young women are choosing to serve a mission. Especially now that the age requirement has been lowered to 19.

Edited by pam, 05 March 2013 - 10:39 PM.


#11 Eowyn

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 12:03 AM

You mean Starla?

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No, Stella. Brando. . . Streetcar Named Desire. . . STELLA!!!
Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

#12 Jenamarie

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 07:56 AM

Isn't it true girls are supposed to get married instead of a mission? I think I've heard that multiple times.


A righteous young woman is to do what she feels the Lord is calling her to do.
And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16

#13 alison_143

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 09:47 AM

As hard as it might be to let her go, she has clearly decided that this is her path. As an RM myself, I truly believe that serving a mission prepares women for marriage and motherhood better than anything. It isn't unheard of though for boyfriends to propose to their girlfriends before they leave or while they are in the MTC. Girlfriends can accept to forego their missions and stay home or go home to marry. An honorable release is issued for the Sister missionary and there is no negative consequence for that choice. However, even though you may be ready for marriage, her choice to serve a mission shows she isn't at a point where she is ready and might not even want to consider marriage yet. I know it would be hard to wait, but consider what she wants and how it might benefit you if by chance it does work out in the end.

#14 applepansy

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 11:04 AM

Isn't it true girls are supposed to get married instead of a mission? I think I've heard that multiple times.


Yes that has been said many times to young women. However, there have been many conference/priesthood session talks directed at young men who aren't ready for marriage and just want to hang out. This cultural change in dating habits has caused more and more young women to go on missions. Lowering the age is having causing some cultural changes too.

I heard one young man complain. All the girls are going on missions and there isn't anyone to "hang out" with. My response should have been "if young men were interested in moving from hang out to date to marriage then maybe less girls would be going on missions" but I kept my mouth shut.

(I know its a miracle. Apple with her mouth shut. :eek: )

#15 Backroads

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 04:08 PM

I don't think it's a "supposed to". I don't recall any GA commanding women to get married instead of serving a mission. I think any strong statements on it are probably more culture and heresay than anything. That being said, eternal marriage and the potential for it is not something we take lightly.

Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?


#16 classylady

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 07:21 PM

I'm assuming your girlfriend has prayed about the decision to go on a mission. If she has received an answer to go, then she should go. If you talk her into staying and getting married, she may come to resent you in the future. My own mission experience helped my testimony to grow and flourish. I believe I'm a much better wife and mother because of my mission experiences.

#17 bluedreams

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Posted 08 March 2013 - 10:50 AM

Well if it makes you feel better, you're not the only one. That's the major trend right now. Women are currently about equal to men who are going. I'm at BYU right now and all you here is about calls given and papers being fill....and much of the time it's women they're talking about or going. When I left on a mission I was in love with a man. I knew very well what it meant if I went. He was 30, single, LDS, good looking, nice....I assumed he'd probably be married and I had no right to expect otherwise. I knew I would miss him. I knew that I would love to have a future with him. But I knew more than any of that that I was supposed to go on a mission. It was a very good thing. It helped me and prepared me for a future marriage so much more. I half-joke that if I had stayed and married I probably would have gotten divorced. Basically if she truly knows she needs to go, then let her go. It was something that I personally will never forget and always honor about the man that I (still) love. It's right now complicated and uncertain but I respect and trust him so much in part because of how he treated the fact that I needed to go on a mission. He pulled away, he thought of me first, and had faith in the ways of God first before his. That is just something that I love and appreciate so much. There may be possibility for you and this woman, but it cannot come before God. With luv, BD

#18 Wesmoney1

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Posted 08 March 2013 - 08:29 PM

It sounds like it is quite possible that she is not really thinking marriage so I don't think I would propose if I were you. I recommend being extremely happy for her to go on a mission and writing her while she serves. If that spark is still there when she gets back then go for it! By no means am I saying to not date anyone else and just wait around for her, go out and meet other people. You may find someone 10x better!

#19 Thordersonjg

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 02:58 AM

Isn't it true girls are supposed to get married instead of a mission? I think I've heard that multiple times.


Girls were never counseled to throw off the idea of a mission if they were getting married. The problem with that ideology would be that most girls would want to get married so if they were supposed to do that then there would be no sister missionaries... ever. So no that advice was never given by a GA.

#20 MarginOfError

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 06:02 AM

Girls were never counseled to throw off the idea of a mission if they were getting married. The problem with that ideology would be that most girls would want to get married so if they were supposed to do that then there would be no sister missionaries... ever. So no that advice was never given by a GA.


To be fair, priesthood leaders are instructed to counsel women not to put off their marriage in order to serve a mission.

However, no guidelines are given about what qualifies as putting off marriage. I'm not sure I would agree that "feeling like I could marry" someone is a strong enough reason to put off marriage. And certainly, I wouldn't advise a woman to turn down a mission opportunity because the guy she's been dating for two months thinks that he'd like to marry her.

The only reason she should change her mind about serving a mission is if she feels impressed that doing so would be the right thing for her to do.

Dude. When both Vort and MOE are in agreement, the thinking has been done. :D


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