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Advice please

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#1 Guest_ldsashley_*

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 09:32 PM

I am very happily married and very much in love with my husband. The problem I have is that I often have dreams about my high school sweetheart. It's never anything romantic, it's just about hanging out with him or that we're friends again. When I wake up, I find myself wondering how he's doing, and wishing we were friends now, and I feel so guilty because I feel like I have betrayed my husband somehow by thinking about him. He was my best friend for 5 years...I know I can not ever actually be friends with him again, because it's just not appropriate, but we are in touch once in a while on facebook (rarely, on a superficial level, and my husband knows about it) and he is in my stake so we say hello at stake conference. I just don't know how to get him out of my head once and for all. I have been over the romantic part of it for years, but somehow I still miss his friendship. I wish I could make that feeling go away because it's ridiculous and inappropriate. Any advice?

#2 Eowyn



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Posted 24 March 2013 - 09:37 PM

How long have you been married? Honestly, this is very, very normal. What I have learned is that it's not even about your old boyfriend. It's about being back at that time, and feelings you had or things you were going through. For me, I have had those dreams when I'm grappling with my self-esteem. . . so the times I tended to dream about being back in high school and with my ex-bf were times that I was struggling with that, and the way he treated me in the dreams tended to be in line with how I was feeling about myself at that time. So think really hard about what is going on in your life right now, how you feel about it, and how that might connect to being back in that time. It sounds silly but since I am such a vivid and frequent dreamer, I think and read about dream interpretation fairly frequently. An easy site to use is dreamdictionary.com. Look up all of the elements in your dreams and see if they relate to your life now somehow.
"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us." -Ezra Taft Benson


#3 pam


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Posted 24 March 2013 - 09:54 PM

I would recommend deleting him from your facebook.

Edited by pam, 25 March 2013 - 09:16 AM.

#4 knitwit


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Posted 03 April 2013 - 01:11 PM

This happens to me too and just remember to not get close to the edge. I speak from experience and regret and try to remember the story of Lot's wife. Don't look back even if the thoughts and dreams don't let up. I deal with this daily and have tried my best to tune out the things that remind me of that time and place in my life. Good luck!

#5 MrPickles


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Posted 03 April 2013 - 02:00 PM

I would recommend deleting him from your facebook.

Best advice so far.

#6 Guest_ldsashley_*

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Posted 13 April 2013 - 04:40 AM

In one of the conference talks, the person speaking (I don't remember who) talked about how we should never even come anywhere near looking like we're crossing a line, and how we should be careful that all of our social media activities are appropriate and respectful of our spouse. I don't remember the exact wording, but that was the gist of it. Well, that was what I needed I guess, because I decided to finally delete him off facebook. I did send him a message to explain, because I didn't want him to notice and try to re-add me. I had to avoid saying certain things in my message because I didn't want it to be all touchy-feely because that's not appropriate either. He hasn't responded in any way, and part of me is afraid that I've really hurt him or that he hates me now, and part of me realizes that doesn't matter anymore. It's going to be awkward next stake conference when I see him there... But mostly I feel free. Like I can finally let go of that part of my life. And thank you thank you thank to Eowyn for helping me realize it was never actually about the ex-boyfriend, but about that time in my life. I went through a pretty major trial at that time in my life, and realizing this helped me to finally come completely to terms with it. I can finally think about it now without being sad. I'm not sure why it took me a whole decade, but I finally feel free from it.

#7 mnn727


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Posted 13 April 2013 - 11:55 AM

This is very normal, I'm close to 60 and still occasionally think about my high school sweetheart.(Never have contacted her however) Its the 'What if' syndrome or the "grass is always greener" syndrome at work. Say Hi to him if you see him (hopefully while on your husbands arm) but otherwise I would cut off contact.
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#8 Still_Small_Voice


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Posted 15 April 2013 - 04:29 PM

I got over old flames by questioning the fantasies. How do you know the other person would have been good for you? What if they spend money like a drunk sailor or are cold in their affection? You never know what it is like on the other side and it leads to sin so why even go there? Also think about how it would destroy your current life if you did pursue lust. Pray that you will find joy in your current relationship and in your life and look forward to what the LORD has for your future if you continue faithful. Why waste your mind on fruitless fantasies?

For if ye love only them which love you what reward have you?" -- Matthew 5:46 Inspired Version (changed to verse 48)

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#9 SoCal_Counselor


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Posted 19 April 2013 - 08:48 AM

Whenever it comes to dealing with exes, I always suggest planning a time to run into them. After you run into them, make sure you put it in reverse and run into them again. ;) In all seriousness, it is completely normal to have these feelings. I also agree with the thoughts from Eowyn. If we are struggling with something presently in our life, our minds will often go back to a time when we felt happy, content, or comforted. This is our minds way of dealing with our individual or relational problems. Take a close look at what stressors you are currently experiencing. Are you struggling with individual worth? Are you struggling in your relationship? Work at improving your life and taking care of the problems in an appropriate manner. I would especially suggest working at drawing closer to the Savior as he is the ultimate healer. Drawing upon the powers of the Atonement can help us to feel happier about ourselves.
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#10 Guest_ldsashley_*

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Posted 10 November 2013 - 05:03 AM

I posted about this several months ago but I'm looking for advice again. I am happily married, expecting our second baby, and life is great. But for some reason I can't seem to forget about my high school sweetheart and still have dreams about him once in a while. We were together from the time we were 14 (although we tried to pretend we weren't dating because we weren't 16, we actually were) until the time we were 19. I still think of him any time I hear a song about betrayal (the reason we broke up was because he cheated on me - went all the way with another girl several times over a few months while we were still talking about getting married "some day"). I don't miss him or wish we were together or regret marrying my husband or anything like that. If I think of him, I usually think of how hurt I felt at that time and how disappointed I was in him. And once in a while I have a dream about him. It's usually nothing romantic, usually he's just there as a person in the dream. I used to have him on facebook but I deleted him after last April General Conference after someone said something about not doing anything that could even look like it was disrespectful/unfaithful to your spouse. I felt a lot better after I deleted him from facebook and didn't think of him for a long time. But then when I was thinking about stake conference last month, I found myself hoping I'd see him there. Part of me was hoping he'd see I'm pregnant again and how happy I am (stupid, isn't it?). When I decided to stay home from stake conference with our son, part of me was disappointed that I wouldn't see him, but I knew that was stupid...Then last night I dreamed that we were 19 again, and he asked if he still had a chance with me, and I told him that I still loved him but I was scared, and I told him never to hurt me like that again. Something felt wrong during the whole dream but I didn't know what it was. I woke up feeling awful. I feel like I have a secret from my husband and I hate it. I feel ashamed that this is something I still think about. I feel afraid that I might dream about this and talk in my sleep. I don't want to hurt my husband. How do I get this out of my mind for good? I thought about praying about this, for His help to let this go, once and for all. But I don't really feel like I know what to say...

#11 lagarthaaz


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Posted 10 November 2013 - 05:41 AM

Did you not read any of the responses above?

#12 classylady


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Posted 10 November 2013 - 05:29 PM

Like other posts have suggested, do a lot of praying. You thinking about him, could simply be part of the trauma of being cheated on. It's heart breaking, and leaves a mark on your psyche. If that's the way he treated your love, be glad it happened while you were dating, not after marriage. You were blessed to have it happen before marriage. Who would ever want to be married to a spouse that is not true and loyal? Continue to look at the good points in your marriage and the strengths of your husband. Be grateful for your young family. Eventually, you will stop thinking so much about your old boyfriend. It may come to mind occasionally, but that is normal. I've been married over 33 years. I occasionally think about some of my old boyfriends. And, as time goes on, and a snippet of information comes my way about an old boyfriend, it's usually negative, and makes me sooo glad I didn't end up with them.

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