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counseling grief infidelity marriage sexual abuse

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#1 embupley6

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Posted 30 July 2013 - 08:34 PM

My husband recently confided in me that he was sexually abused as a very young child. Having young children myself, this obviously breaks my heart. He repressed memories his whole life from the time the event happened to just recently, in the last couple of years, when something triggered his terrible memories and they resurfaced. He has had a life of ups and downs but, in general, since we've been married (7 years), we have been a normal, happy, LDS family. In telling me about these horrible events from his childhood, and in an effort to be totally honest with me, he also confided in me that he struggles with a need to seek approval and attention from women, as a result of his abuse. Because of this, he shared with me that a couple of years ago, he made a mistake and kissed another woman at a student business conference while he was still in college. It happened right after these terrible memories from his childhood resurfaced and he said it was a very low time for him. This is obviously heart wrenching for me and very difficult to hear, but I appreciated him coming clean to me. He has been seeing a (non-LDS) therapist for about two years, and I haven't seen any improvement in how he feels about himself or his life. He says that he feels that his life has been full of mistakes and disappointing people, and that there's a deep empty dark hole inside of him that only gets bigger with time. I am unsure what to do or how I am supposed to feel. I have gone through the wide range of emotions, from shock, to sadness, to grief, to sympathy, to worry, to anger, etc. I love him so much and don't want our marriage to end, but he admitted to me that he can't guarantee it won't happen again, and doesn't feel as if he can be "fixed" or happy again. His testimony has obviously taken a hit from all of this, and while mine is strong, I feel like I can't MAKE him repent, or talk to the bishop. I think it is overwhelming to him to think about opening up to someone else since there is so much to share and most of it is pretty heartbreaking. I honestly can't tell if I have felt comforted from all of the praying and fasting I have been doing, or just numb from all of the emotions I am going through. Does anyone have any advice for me? What my role is in all of this? I go between feeling bad for myself and the grief that he has caused me, to really feeling for him, because I know his heart and his intentions, and he truly is a wonderful husband and father. He has just struggled these last couple of years. We are active at church, but I truly believe he is just going through the emotions to keep me happy and keep our family together. I feel like I need help. I don't know where to turn. Thanks in advance for any help or advice you can give me. Has anyone else been through anything similar? Is there hope for us?

#2 NeuroTypical

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Posted 30 July 2013 - 09:17 PM

Hi and welcome embupley6. There is always hope. My wife was also abused as a child. Things are pretty much never easy, but she and we are making it. I recommend you read up on PTSD and abuse. It will help you understand some realities that you both could be dealing with for the rest of your lives. The journey of every abused person and their loved ones is different, so I can't really say what the future holds for you and hubby. What helped me was to keep a broadly open mind, learn to accept what I can't change or influence, and try to be strong when she needs me to be the strong one. Good luck and God bless
If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack, to sit in the synagogue and pray.
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall.
And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

Ohhh....
If I were a rich man...

#3 jerrytye

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 03:33 AM

If therapists hasn't been able to help in two years now, You should find the reason behind. Is it Your husbands negligence or the problem with therapists himself, accordingly find out the solution.

Therapist Culpeper VA

#4 Martain

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 02:33 PM

Can I honestly say that someone thus abused had or receives a fully fair and just opportunity to accept, receive, and live the gospel of Christ during mortality? The severity of this kind of abuse is such that I feel the answer is not always yes.

It destroys the capacity to exercise agency and wounds the soul with scars so deep that nothing short of the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ can fully erase.

Yet Christ lives and there is indeed balm in Gilead. The healing power is there for those who will in faith sincerely seek to come unto Christ for the healing unobtainable anywhere else. I know this, for having suffered similar wounds to your husband, I have been the recipient of such miraculous power.

Believing death would separate me from the grasp of my enemies and enduring pain such as left my soul weeping daily I would continually pour out my heart and soul to the God I knew was there pleading for healing and freedom or death. In all this God did not leave me comfortless but in mercy visited me via the healing and sustaining comfort of the Holy Ghost again and again.

Knowing that faith without works is dead, in addition to my prayers I continued to seek out assistance from a good therapist and was lead to a women in American Fork, UT. Through her counseling the Lord taught me something that has made a big difference in my struggles but did not bring the healing I sought.

One visit however found her a bit late in arriving for our appointment. She mentioned she had just been visiting with a Duane Davis (also in American Fork) who worked with people using a relatively new and unheard therapy/technology called Zyto Evox. Her praises led me to want to visit with Duane to see if perhaps through Zyto & Evox the Lord would be able to grant me desperately sought for healing.

The answer was yes.

While I am ill apt to explain how it works (hence the links above) I can definitely witness as to my results. I went in pleading for healing or death and 6 months later left made anew. Viewing the results on screen the results were such that on each visit Duane would remark in amazement and astonishment at my progress indicating never had he seen it's like.

Though my swift progress was due to the faith filled prayer for help in forgiving and letting go and the power of the atonement I sought while undergoing the sessions, I feel even those without faith in Christ would benefit from such therapy.

Ultimately the question is whether or not this is a tool the Lord would also have you and your husband or anyone else use to receive healing at his hands and the answer is to be personally sought for via prayer.

While the power of the atonement is what was needed, like the Centurion commanded to bathe in the Jordan river, this was the way the Lord magnified my faith and answered my tear-filled pleadings. Hearing your cry and knowing how much it made a difference in my life, how could I not share it with you in hopes that it would do likewise?

I don't know how close you are to American Fork, UT but should you seek more information, I'm reaching out to Duane via email for his office number and will hopefully post it here soon.

Sincerely,
Brother M.

#5 Martain

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 02:39 PM

As to the question of whether there is hope for you, could you but hear it, resounding in your ears my answer with power and conviction would be this: YES! God lives and loves both of you and as you seek him and his counsel, will not leave you comfortless. Sincerely, Brother M.

#6 CalledToServe

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 11:15 AM

The bishop can't fix it. The therapist can't fix it. You can't fix it. He can't fix it. There's only one person who can fix it and until both of you turn to Him completely and rely solely on Him, it won't be fixed. Your husband's love for you will enable you to motivate him to do the things that he needs to in order to turn to Christ. But you won't know what to do yourself unless you have turned to Christ and recognized that He is the only one with the power to solve your problems. Seek Christ. Trust only Him. Read the Book of Mormon prayerfully with the intent to learn who Christ is. It is the only way to save your husband and your marriage.

#7 OldPort

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 11:46 AM

I just wanted to add you may want to check out Elder Richard G. Scott's book Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy.

He has devoted some time to the topic of abuse that I have found amazing and inspired. Chapter 19 is the one you want to look at.

#8 NeuroTypical

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 12:17 PM

The bishop can't fix it. The therapist can't fix it. You can't fix it. He can't fix it. There's only one person who can fix it and until both of you turn to Him completely and rely solely on Him, it won't be fixed.

Your husband's love for you will enable you to motivate him to do the things that he needs to in order to turn to Christ. But you won't know what to do yourself unless you have turned to Christ and recognized that He is the only one with the power to solve your problems. Seek Christ. Trust only Him. Read the Book of Mormon prayerfully with the intent to learn who Christ is. It is the only way to save your husband and your marriage.

I think this is some pretty horrible advice. I pretty much disagree with every single thing CTS is saying here.

CalledToServe, could you share exactly how you know that embupley6 has not already turned to Christ? Seems a tad unrighteously judgemental to me.

The notion that all suffering is due to people not turning to Christ enough, is false. We didn't come to earth to not have any burdens.

The notion that a spouses love will enable people to motivate others to turn to Christ, is sometimes true and sometimes false.

The notion that suffering cannot be ended through someone's own actions, is sometimes true and sometimes false.

The notion that bishops, therapists, spouses, and victims of child abuse can't have a hand in fixing things, is false.

The notion that reading scriptures is the only way to save a husband and a marriage, is false.

Here's some required reading on the subject of mental illness.
Myths about Mental Illness By Elder Alexander B. Morrison Of the Seventy
If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack, to sit in the synagogue and pray.
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall.
And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

Ohhh....
If I were a rich man...





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