My brother is a child molester :(

[Sadsister]

He is currently in jail, but has not gone to trial yet. I am absolutely horrified and devastated. He admits he was wrong, wants to change, etc. However, I am very worried. When he gets out, I assume he will likely move in with my parents, as getting a job will be difficult. I live in the same ward as my parents and cannot take a chance on putting my daughter in danger....which means I will likely move. I understand I need to forgive him. I will. But, I also know I have the right to protect my daughter. (I could not just avoid my parents' house, for various reasons....I would have to move to another area.)

So, questions for anyone to answer:

1) I know, in general, recidivism rates for sexual abusers are very high. I know, personally, of one guy who abused his kids, was excommunicated, rebaptized....and did it again with a child 10 years later. Are the recidivism rates of LDS offenders still pretty high?

2) Does it tend to get around in a ward when a sex offender moves in? I assume so, as parents want to protect their kids. I know he will not be allowed to hold callings in primary and youth.

3) I imagine he would have a hard time remarrying? He will end up divorced (it was with his very young stepdaughter). I ask b/c if he moves in with my parents, he would have to be their caretaker. He would be more likely to stay with them if his chances of remarrying are low. I imagine they are very low, for good reason.

4) I assume it is true that jobs are hard to get for sex offenders? He lives in Utah.

5) Has anyone gone through a family member being incarcerated for this? I will not defend him. I am working on the anger...it is mostly sadness now. I know there is the atonement, and I truly hope he will change his life. I have no problem helping my parents stay in contact with him. However, right now, I am so upset and so sad for his throwing away the beautiful family he worked for. I know my niece is in for a tough life, as I have seen what a similar situation did to another niece.

Please be gentle with me, as I am coming for help/advice.

Edited August 17, 2013 by Sadsister

[Gretchen]

He is currently in jail, but has not gone to trial yet. I am absolutely horrified and devastated. He admits he was wrong, wants to change, etc. However, I am very worried. When he gets out, I assume he will likely move in with my parents, as getting a job will be difficult. I live in the same ward as my parents and cannot take a chance on putting my daughter in danger....which means I will likely move. I understand I need to forgive him. I will. But, I also know I have the right to protect my daughter. (I could not just avoid my parents' house, for various reasons....I would have to move to another area.)

So, questions for anyone to answer:

1) I know, in general, recidivism rates for sexual abusers are very high. I know, personally, of one guy who abused his kids, was excommunicated, rebaptized....and did it again with a child 10 years later. Are the recidivism rates of LDS offenders still pretty high?

2) Does it tend to get around in a ward when a sex offender moves in? I assume so, as parents want to protect their kids. I know he will not be allowed to hold callings in primary and youth.

3) I imagine he would have a hard time remarrying? He will end up divorced (it was with his very young stepdaughter). I ask b/c if he moves in with my parents, he would have to be their caretaker. He would be more likely to stay with them if his chances of remarrying are low. I imagine they are very low, for good reason.

4) I assume it is true that jobs are hard to get for sex offenders? He lives in Utah.

5) Has anyone gone through a family member being incarcerated for this? I will not defend him. I am working on the anger...it is mostly sadness now. I know there is the atonement, and I truly hope he will change his life. I have no problem helping my parents stay in contact with him. However, right now, I am so upset and so sad for his throwing away the beautiful family he worked for. I know my niece is in for a tough life, as I have seen what a similar situation did to another niece.

Please be gentle with me, as I am coming for help/advice.

Hugs to you and your family. I understand and support to move. Your daughter (and any other children you may have, now or in the future) come first.

There was a guy in my ward (YSA) whom I shall refer to as "Alf" because he was an oddball who had many personality traits simaler to the Alf on TV some years back. Alf was a convert who joined the church after "turning his life in a 360". One day, I found out that he was a registered sex offender. I called someone who was in a ward with Alf in the past to vent about this, and Friend said that someone had found out in Old Ward, and everyone hassled Alf to the point where he had to move. Friend advised me to not tell everyone about him (I kept my mouth shut), and to not attack him when I see him (I have a nasty temper, and I kinda was rather sharp tongued to Alf). Although I kept my mouth shut about Alf, some girls noticed that Alf was a little "odd". I don't know if they know anything more. Alf wanted to get a job because of little things like rent and food and laundry quarters. He applied and got a job at a place. For not even a day. They called him like right after hiring him to tell him that because of "stuff on his background check that they had issues with" he was fired. Alf has since moved back in with his mother because it beats the streets.

Alf's case is a bit different. From what I've learned, he had a girlfriend who was underage and he didn't know how young she was, and her parents where not okay with it. Also, Alf doesn't live in Utah, and laws vary from state to state.

Be strong, I know you and your family will get through this!

[lagarthaaz]

He is currently in jail, but has not gone to trial yet. I am absolutely horrified and devastated. He admits he was wrong, wants to change, etc. However, I am very worried. When he gets out, I assume he will likely move in with my parents, as getting a job will be difficult. I live in the same ward as my parents and cannot take a chance on putting my daughter in danger....which means I will likely move. I understand I need to forgive him. I will. But, I also know I have the right to protect my daughter. (I could not just avoid my parents' house, for various reasons....I would have to move to another area.)

So, questions for anyone to answer:

1) I know, in general, recidivism rates for sexual abusers are very high. I know, personally, of one guy who abused his kids, was excommunicated, rebaptized....and did it again with a child 10 years later. Are the recidivism rates of LDS offenders still pretty high?

2) Does it tend to get around in a ward when a sex offender moves in? I assume so, as parents want to protect their kids. I know he will not be allowed to hold callings in primary and youth.

3) I imagine he would have a hard time remarrying? He will end up divorced (it was with his very young stepdaughter). I ask b/c if he moves in with my parents, he would have to be their caretaker. He would be more likely to stay with them if his chances of remarrying are low. I imagine they are very low, for good reason.

4) I assume it is true that jobs are hard to get for sex offenders? He lives in Utah.

5) Has anyone gone through a family member being incarcerated for this? I will not defend him. I am working on the anger...it is mostly sadness now. I know there is the atonement, and I truly hope he will change his life. I have no problem helping my parents stay in contact with him. However, right now, I am so upset and so sad for his throwing away the beautiful family he worked for. I know my niece is in for a tough life, as I have seen what a similar situation did to another niece.

Please be gentle with me, as I am coming for help/advice.

Hi there, sorry for what you are going through with your brother. My sympathies to your little niece and your family.

I don't know what the rates of re-offending are, but I wouldn't take any chances with my kids being around someone with a background of sexually abusing kids, LDS or not. You are wise to keep your daughter well away from your brother - I don't blame you for considering a move out of the ward.

Recent experience has proven to me that word doesn't seem to get around as easily as you might think - in recent weeks I've crossed paths with someone who abused his niece and my friend's six year old daughter some years ago in another city. He was excommunicated and narrowly avoided serving jail time. He is now married to a much younger, attractive, educated woman who happens to have young children from a previous marriage. I've had to tell a couple of my friends about this man's past because they have children who will be exposed to him through social and family occasions - they had absolutely no idea. I still don't know if his current wife knows -but their bishop is aware and I assume he's had a talk to the wife when this couple got married.

Sadly, there are plenty of desperate women out there who will marry a man who says he's changed - no matter what the offense might have been. Particularly if he doesn't have the appearance of what people imagine sex offenders must look like.

I think that generally as LDS we try to give everyone the benefit of repenting and changing, and we don't want to be part of vicious gossip or unrighteous judgement. So many of us don't repeat what we know for these reasons, but sometimes we have to pass on the information. In this case I had to choose to let my friends know that their children may be exposed to a pedophile, and they are also dealing with the knowledge discreetly.

You could ask the police if a person's record as a sex-offender shows up if they are looking for work that doesn't involve being around children.

Chances are too, that if he's already served jail time awaiting trial, he might be free sooner than you think by the time it all goes through the legal system.

[NeuroTypical]

Sorry to hear the story. I know "sadsister" is a name that doesn't do justice to what you're going through. First question - how old was your niece at the time of offence? Keep in mind, everything I have to say below, is from the point of view of someone who'se niece was 8. If your niece was 17 or something, that can be a different story.

1) I know, in general, recidivism rates for sexual abusers are very high. I know, personally, of one guy who abused his kids, was excommunicated, rebaptized....and did it again with a child 10 years later. Are the recidivism rates of LDS offenders still pretty high?

I don't know one way or the other, but from what I can tell, child sex offenders share similarities across demographics.

Genuinely repentant child sex offenders tend to do everything they can to avoid contact with children. Additionally, parole restrictions may mandate a certain distance by law. You should find out what those conditions are, and notify the authorities if you see him violating them.

2) Does it tend to get around in a ward when a sex offender moves in? I assume so, as parents want to protect their kids. I know he will not be allowed to hold callings in primary and youth.

Do not assume anything. Do you know that your brother is/will be excommunicated? Are you sure the church knows what he did? If you are not sure, then feel free to consider it your duty to let the bishop know.

My wife's brother lived in another state. Her mother tried desperately to keep what hapened secret and private. The only reason the church found out, is that we sent them copies of the court transcripts.

3) I imagine he would have a hard time remarrying? He will end up divorced (it was with his very young stepdaughter).

Well, we can hope he'd end up divorced. There are women who will overlook such crimes against their own kids, in order to keep a man. Has your brother's wife filed? If she hasn't by now, I wouldn't hold my breath.

I ask b/c if he moves in with my parents, he would have to be their caretaker.

Taking care of elderly parents is a good thing. I could see such a situation as a win for everybody, if there was an understanding about visiting children. But whether your brother remarries, stays married, stays single, or searches for more prey, are basically up to him.

4) I assume it is true that jobs are hard to get for sex offenders? He lives in Utah.

It's very hard, but it's possible. If he's honest, reliable, and hard working, there are options for him. Here's a common story - your brother's details will vary: Sentanced for 5-life, paroled after 5 years to a halfway house for sex-offenders. Halfway house will help him find a job - his way out of the house is to keep his nose clean for a while, and get a job. Then he'll be on parole, with restrictions.

I can't stress this enough - find out what the conditions of his parole are, and if you find out he's violating them, gather evidence and inform the authorities. This is not about being loud with your parents. This is not about causing scenes. This is about protecting communities from known risks of harm.

Has anyone gone through a family member being incarcerated for this? I will not defend him. I am working on the anger...it is mostly sadness now.

Yeah - me and my wife. It's been just a lovely last 6 years.

There are some things you need to be aware of. If you attend any parole hearings or other court proceedings, you will need to pick which side to sit on. They have the offender/defense, and a bunch of seats behind him. They have the victim/prosecution, and a bunch of seats behind them. Your brother will be on one side, your niece will be on the other. You don't get to sit in the aisle, but you can choose to not attend.

You will find that as this thing moves through the next several years, everyone will grapple with this fact in different ways, and it will extend into daily life in various ways. Wherever you choose to sit, you will find beloved family and friends making different choices. This might split apart your family. Prepare to have your ability to love and forgive tested in ways you never expected or wanted. Are you married? Stay close to your husband.

I know my niece is in for a tough life, as I have seen what a similar situation did to another niece.

As things stand now, my wife and I are the only people sitting on our niece's side. Everyone else sits on the other side and calls us boatrockers. I hope your family can find better ways to cope.

God bless you and your niece.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[mnn727]

We had a member in a past ward that was not allowed to be near children by court order (also a sex offender), so he could not attend Church. As his home teachers we and the Bishop and occasionally the missionaries were his only Church contact.

I certainly understand where your coming from, your children s safety is your primary responsibility and never ever compromise on that, but also understand your brother is a son of God too.

[skippy740]

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I'm going to try to answer some of your questions though.

1) I know, in general, recidivism rates for sexual abusers are very high. I know, personally, of one guy who abused his kids, was excommunicated, rebaptized....and did it again with a child 10 years later. Are the recidivism rates of LDS offenders still pretty high?

If it were me, I wouldn't separate LDS from the rest of the population when it comes to crimes, etc. LDS members are still human. Yes, we ascribe to higher ideals, but we are still human with the same weaknesses as anyone else.

2) Does it tend to get around in a ward when a sex offender moves in? I assume so, as parents want to protect their kids. I know he will not be allowed to hold callings in primary and youth.

In talking about "get around in a ward", that's more of rumor and gossip. This is not good. However, there should be a notation made in that member's membership records that should be made in reference to various callings one can have. This is for church leadership only. (I've never served in such a capacity, but I have heard that this kind of notation is possible.)

3) I imagine he would have a hard time remarrying? He will end up divorced (it was with his very young stepdaughter). I ask b/c if he moves in with my parents, he would have to be their caretaker. He would be more likely to stay with them if his chances of remarrying are low. I imagine they are very low, for good reason.

I have a personal story on this. I have a cub scout who is in my Webelos den. He lived with his father (who is quite large and disabled) and step-mom next to another member family. They are much older, but they had their recently released from prison son living with them. (He had no where else to go. No idea why he was serving time.)

The step-mom needed help around the house, and so she asked and received help from her neighbor. He was strong and ever willing to help a 'damsel in distress'.

Eventually she left, took her daughter with her and ran away with him. Then they came back and lived next door for a couple of weeks. It got really weird when they both showed up at church together recently. (I mean if you're gonna sin, why not show up somewhere else instead of the ward where it all happened? There are plenty of wards around.)

They have now left the area and are about 50 miles away. As for the cub scout, he's adjusting quite well (it seems). He really didn't like his step-mother all that well before.

I share the story because it's kinda church related, but just because someone was convicted of a crime doesn't mean that they can't get into a relationship of some kind. I also share this because this guy lived with his parents while this happened.

I suppose my only question for you is what kind of neighborhood do your parents live in? Their neighbors may need to be notified.

4) I assume it is true that jobs are hard to get for sex offenders? He lives in Utah.

Depends on the companies doing background checks and the nature of the work.

5) Has anyone gone through a family member being incarcerated for this? I will not defend him. I am working on the anger...it is mostly sadness now. I know there is the atonement, and I truly hope he will change his life. I have no problem helping my parents stay in contact with him. However, right now, I am so upset and so sad for his throwing away the beautiful family he worked for. I know my niece is in for a tough life, as I have seen what a similar situation did to another niece.

Please be gentle with me, as I am coming for help/advice.

I have not gone through anything remotely like this, so I don't have any first-hand experiences or guidance to offer.

Your feelings are perfectly normal. You can't change normal.

Prayers sent your way. :)

[Sadsister]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words, advice, pointing things out, perspectives, etc. I really do appreciate evertythung said. I will try to answer questions without too many details:

Niece was under the age of 8. :(

Bishop/church knows...bishop was called in when he confessed.

I actually am not in his same ward now...I just assume that will change when he gets out. I have found out repeat rates are lower than I previously though, but still....this isn't something I want to take a chance on. My daughter is worth way more. She is old enough to have a say and have an idea of what happened, and she has also made it clear she does not want to stay here if he moves. I want her to know I will protect her.

I agree I would have to let people know if he moved here. Gossip is one thing, but this is for safety. We have a LOT of kids in our ward....maybe even more than normal. I know I would want to know. I also know other parents have a right to know. My brother is not the type you would expect to be a sex offender. I have already had to contact one person he dated a few years back (I cannot find the other) that had girl(s). It is embarrassing, but I cannot stand by and take that chance. I am glad, though, that the plain gossip may not be as bad as I thought.

I hope he is in jail a while. I pray it is long enough he gets the help he says he wants and obviously needs. I so want to believe he will truly relent and forsake the sin, but I am finding out there has been more in his last than we previously knew about. Maybe he will...but...

My understanding is that this means automatic excommunication. I know he expects it. I also know his wife will divorce him, and I told her I fully support her in that. I think she has already started the steps.

I can already see it splitting the family apart. My mom cannot seem to understand he did it, even though he has told her he is guilty. I fear it will only get worse. Thankfully, I am married to an awesome husband who is very supportive of me. Not everyone knows yet (we are not a close family), but it is still extremely early. My parents will not be able to hide it forever. He and I have decided to not tell his family yet. I am not sure if they will hear, but I wonder if it would be better if they hear it from me (they do not know my brother well at all).

Again, thank everyone for their wisdoms, sympathy, kind words, etc.

[Gretchen]

I feel I should probably add that as part of the court stuff, he will be classed with a "risk level", and depending on how much a risk they classify him depends a lot on how likely people are to find out about him, and how hard it will be for him to get a job. As a general rule, risk levels 2 (moderate risk) and 3 (high risk) are easily searchable on google.

I should also add that a lawyer could explaine this better than I can. Or perhaps Prison Chaplin could.

[prisonchaplain]

My two-cents: First, kids first, of course. I have 3 daughters. However, I am aware that my relatively small church (somewhat smaller, but similar to an LDS ward) has had sex-offenders in attendance. They let leadership know, and there are certain brothers who support him, in part by keeping an eye on him. One of these "guardians" told me that the offenders are generally grateful, humble, and if they inadvertently go into a room they should not be in, they immediately leave, and report what happened to the appropriate brothers. In other words, they have understood their status, and are just so grateful to be able to worship amongst God's people.

So, there is hope. Which leads me to wonder if, short of moving, you could see how things end up, and then, if he moves in with parents, simply make sure that you keep your kids under supervision--that they are never ever alone with him.

Finally, while people can feign repentance, I'd be much more hopeful for the person who is saying they are humbled, ashamed, grateful for a second chance from society than I would someone who says they were treated too harshly, that things were blown out of proportion, who who act as if they are the victim.

[Sadsister]

Thank you both. It turns out my parents will not let him move back (it came up) b/c they understand my concern for my daughter and do not want to lose me as a caregiver. It sounds like he plans on staying in his (now) home state, too. Thanks for the perspectives/thoughts!