Fostering independent focus

[Wingnut]

Last Friday we had parent-teacher conferences. At our elementary school, the February conference are student-led. The kids take the parents around to the various stations in the room, show us their journals and work, and even complete an assignment during the conference. Four or so families share a one-hour conference time, and they rotate around the classroom, including a time with the teacher.

My daughter is in kindergarten, and one of the questions that my husband and I asked her was "what would be a good next milestone to help Mini-Wing work toward?" The teacher thought for a moment and answered, "independence." My husband and I looked at her like she had three heads. Our daughter has always been very independent. She loves to do things by herself. She has always explored and ventured into things on her own. From a very early age, we've known that she had a very independent spirit, and she continues to display it. The teacher clarified that at the end of the day when it's time to bundle up and go home, she has to give my daughter 25 minutes, which is more than twice as long as the other kids. It takes her this long to get her snow pants, coat, boots, hat, and gloves on, and get her folder and lunchbox in her backpack.

It doesn't take her this long at home in the morning, but I'm also right there, reminding her... "Stay on task! Boots next! Quit worrying about your sister! Let's get moving so you're not late!" I don't think of myself as a helicopter parent, but I can sometimes be a control freak.

So my question is this: how do I help foster in my kindergartner a sense of independent focus and stay-on-task-iveness? She'll be six in April.

[Guest]

It's just like teaching kids to tie their shoes. Show them how to do it, then have practice sessions with your guidance, then let them do it on their own. If you give her 2 minutes to tie her shoes, don't badger her until the 2 minutes are up. You have to trust that she can do it. If she didn't get it done, then go back to the practice sessions.

By the way, this is basic Montessori principle. The kids learn faster if they are left to discover things on their own - self-discovery, self-mastery, self-correcting. The teacher is not even called a teacher - she's a facilitator - because the teacher doesn't really teach, the kids learn on their own or from their peers. So, the facilitator's job is simply to direct the work to maximize self-discovery.

And a requirement for Montessori learning is TRUST. Trust that the kids can figure it out and accomplish the given task - even if they go through a completely wacky method to get it done.

[beefche]

I don't think the teacher meant Independence. It sounds like your daughter gets distracted even at home (thus, you have to remind her to do what she needs to do). At school, there is going to be a lot more distractions.

I don't have any answers, though. You could try making it into a game? "Let's see how fast you can get your clothes and backpack ready. Go!" Then you can give her a treat or praise or whatever when she is able to do it within an allotted time frame. It's just a thought...that's what I would do if I were teaching the kids at church and needed them to accomplish something quickly.

[applepansy]

My grandson (same age as your daughter) is very independent also. But his independence is conditional on how he's feeling at the moment or what he wants at that moment.

Have you asked your daughter why its taking her so long at school to get ready at the end of the school day? She will know if she is getting distracted. She'll be able to tell you if she really wants to stay at school (where she's having fun with friends) and thinks delaying getting ready for the bus will delay going home. Of...any number of other things that go through a child's mind.

If she is independent at home then she is independent at school and her behavior is probably to get something. You know her best. What might she want?

I play games with my grandson all the time. I can get dressed faster than you. On your mark, get set, Go! I can eat faster that you, etc. Also, a timer is a good tool. And... concrete consequences. If you aren't ready on time you miss the bus. If you miss the bus you stay home. If you stay home there will be no TV time, no computer games, no ...what is her favorite activity? If she misses the bus from school and you have to go get her what would be an appropriate consequence?

Unless her teacher expects the same from her as she does from the other children your daughter will continue to take more time. So set consequences for not being ready on time. Explain them to your daughter until you know she understands. Then follow through. It usually only takes once or twice.

Kids are smart. At Kindergarten age they are learning a new world. One with different rules than Mom and Dad's rules at home. She needs to understand you are involved enough to know what is going on and your rules trump all other rules.

The thing I like about letting her miss the bus is that it is a natural consequence. My grandson missed the bus once this year. :) Only once. :)

[Guest]

The thing I like about letting her miss the bus is that it is a natural consequence. My grandson missed the bus once this year. :) Only once. :)

My 12-year-old missed the bus countless times this year. He'll probably miss more. It just doesn't matter to him bad enough.

And this is the problem when you have a kid who is creative. Instead of suffering a consequence, he'll just figure something else out. We get to be creative in finding out what it is that matters to him enough to catch the bus.