Need advice and information.

[malikoman]

Hi,

First of all, I know many people will consider what I say and look for their personal pint of view, but what I'm looking for here, is advice backed up with scriptures (talks from the prophets, general conference, ensign, manuals and obviously the scriptures). I'm not saying that you'll give me bad advice, but that is what I need right now to know how to go on.

My wife and I got married 4 months ago after 2 years of courtship. We have a happy marriage but there are some issues that keep repeating on and on and always disrupt our peace.

One of those issues is the relation between my wife and her father.

I've always been very independant in many ways, don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and we always hugged and stuff but when I left for my mission I was so focused that I did not worry about missing my home. Now that I got married is the same thing, I know I did the right choise about getting married, so I don't feel bad for leaving my parents side.

However my wife, is the opposite, her parents and her were always together, she never left their side and on our honeymoon she spent a lot of nights crying and so on for some time after.

The problem is, her parents, specially her dad. They treat her as if she was still a little girl. And she always makes decisions based on what they say and she asks them for advise about us all the time. (Don´t get me wrong, I am willing to ask for advice, but I think we should ask each other first and then ask our parents), she likes being treated that way, and I can live with that, sort of, the problem is their shows of affection, I hug my parents when I say hi, I'm fine with that, but one thing is that, and another totally different is this:

http://thumb9.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/514156/165214892/stock-photo-happy-young-couple-in-livingroom-sitting-on-couch-watching-television-165214892.jpg

The other day we were sitting on the couch, the three of us, and my wife and I were holding hands and her father hugged her with one arm and pulled her towards him leaving me alone with the hand and they like that. My mother in law inmediately told him to let her go because that got me mad (I get along with her qite well, I wonder why?? hahaha) but he said that she was dumb for thinking that way. I was mad. But what can I say? If I tell him anything at all my wife bashes me and gets really mad at me. She would not talk to me until the other day, so I just shut up.

Once again the other day same situation sittting i the couch and her father didn't hug her, however she hugged him himself and ended in the same position but hugging him.

I'm not a child anymore, I always dreamt about giving myself to my wife and not doing anything to make her feel bad, I put her always on the first place, we go visit my parents once or wice a week, and we go together, she goes everyday to her parents house leaving me alone and for 1 hour or so.

I honnestly don't know anymore where I'm standing.

Please be understanding with both my thinking and my english (hahah) I want answers but I haven't found much about it, if anyone know I'll be thankfull.

Thank you all.

[notquiteperfect]

This goes for everybody -

Genesis 2:24

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

[Wingnut]

This goes for everybody -

Genesis 2:24

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This. Drop mic. Leave stage. End of discussion.

[Suzie]

malikoman, it seems to me that one of the issues that you guys are having is perhaps that you are spending too much time by your in-laws. You guys are newlyweds! Enjoy the time with each other and let the relatives take a break.

[Quin]

Do you only want scriptural references for your own viewpoint, or scriptural references for both sides of your argument?

Because I do believe that "Honor thy father & thy mother" might just be somewhere in the 10 commandments.

Although... Here comes that personal viewpoint... I had a very bad marriage. Very, very bad. One of its hallmarks was needing to "win" arguments like this. Instead of a) recognizing that both needs are equally valid, and b) figuring out how BOTH people's needs can be met.

Here's a totally separate (and common) problem to illuminate what I'm saying. Sexes randomly assigned.

- Wife is mad that Husband is going out and hanging out with friends, while she stays home with the kids (only 1 person is happy)

- Actual problem = BOTH people need a break from the kids.

- Bad solution (aka no one is happy ) = Hubby stops hanging out with friends

- Good solution (both people are happy) = BOTH get time off.

You could EACH find 10,000 logical reasons why either of you "win" this argument.

Or you could, the two of you, find a way so that BOTH of you are happy.

My .02 anytime "winning" means only one person is happy, isn't winning.

Q

[Quin]

...the problem is their shows of affection, I hug my parents when I say hi, I'm fine with that, but one thing is that, and another totally different is this:

http://thumb9.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/514156/165214892/stock-photo-happy-young-couple-in-livingroom-sitting-on-couch-watching-television-165214892.jpg

.

Different families have different ways of showing affection.

That picture could very well be a picture of MY family.

Brother and sister, father and daughter, cousins, grandparents & grandchildren.

Heck.

My cousins are footballers... 6'5 and up... And will sit on their teeny tiny mom's lap (well, half on the arm of the chair and half in her lap).

My dad will throw his arm around me as we go for a walk.

We're like a dogpile on family movie night or the holidays, with arms and legs thrown over each other, back rubs, rib pokes, etc.

Grandparents climb into grandkid's beds to read stories with flashlights in a blanket fort.

Everything in between.

We're a rough & tumble, touchy feely, very close family.

Keys to houses for those that live near, extended visits for the rest (we're scattered all over the EU, North America, & the Pacific Rim).

There's no sexual abuse in my family.

The implication, that because we're very comfortable with each other, that it's inappropriate...

Is as insulting as the idea that families that DONT have 6 people crammed onto a 3 person sofa are cold and unloving, stiff and hateful.

They're not. :)

& we're not. :)

NEITHER is wrong.

Nor all of the variables in between.

Like, I'm sure there are some who think your family's hello hugs are gross & sexually deviant.

(There are. I know people for whom anything beyond a brief handshake with their adult child they consider to be sexually charged and wildly inappropriate. There are those who think that men kissing men's cheeks -like is done in Italy, and other parts of Europe- make those men homosexual.)

Point being... There are all kinds of totally healthy versions of normal...

That are very different from each other.

Just as you would get angry at someone for thinking your family either sexually deviant, or cold and uncaring...

Because their own family is more or less touchy freely than your own...

Your wife, too, will be hurt by you treating her family as such.

Q

[Bini]

Wow, cut the umbilical cord already. I'd put my foot down and say, "honey, I'm going to be straight with you, I feel that our marriage is too involved with our parents, and this is why. (Insert points.) We need to set some boundaries."

How old is she? She sounds very dependent on her parents and even insecure without them. I don't understand taking off for an hour and leaving your spouse everyday to hangout with daddy. That's weird in my opinion. As her husband, you are to be the one she clings to, relies on for strength and comfort. When her father pulls her away from you like that, push back, grab your wife and be like, "Excuse me sir, but I need my beautiful wife!" and pull her back towards you with a big embrace. You can do this being playful but be firm. I think most in-laws will appreciate a spouse that is attentive to their daughter/son.

[SpiritDragon]

I know it may not be an option...

When I was a newly wed I could see a similar pattern of dependency with my wife and my in-laws, in fact I saw it when I was engaged. I took a job six hours away and moved so that we would be less easy to visit so that we could get to know each other better as spouses without every one else chiming in all the time.

My in-laws still managed to come visit every other week and my wife spent a lot of time on the phone with her mom, but ultimately it worked and we learned to rely on and communicate with each other first and foremost before going to other family.

Try reading this:

For Newly Weds and Parents

[applepansy]

I know it may not be an option...

When I was a newly wed I could see a similar pattern of dependency with my wife and my in-laws, in fact I saw it when I was engaged. I took a job six hours away and moved so that we would be less easy to visit so that we could get to know each other better as spouses without every one else chiming in all the time.

My in-laws still managed to come visit every other week and my wife spent a lot of time on the phone with her mom, but ultimately it worked and we learned to rely on and communicate with each other first and foremost before going to other family.

Try reading this:

For Newly Weds and Parents

After giving this article to your wife to read, the two of you need to consider giving it to her dad. Maybe give it to your MIL first.

Get this taken care of now. 30 years from now is not the time and by then there is a lot more heartache. Its really not good when there are three or more people in a marriage or when one spouse is more loyal to their parents than to their spouse.

Yesterday I heard a Elder Holland say something about Love equals Loyalty. He was talking about of love for the Savior but I think it applies in marriage too. (we were at the Sacred Gifts Exhibit and his was one of the talks referenced with one of the paintings.)

Edited March 1, 2014 by applepansy

[Guest]

No scripture here.

You've only been married 4 months, she's had that relationship with her dad since forever. Not many people can just switch that thing off and not feel like she just jumped off a plane without a parachute. You might think...but I'm her parachute... Well the easy answer is, you're not her dad.

Yes, we need to cling to our husbands and we need to honor our parents. A balance will have to happen. Don't expect it to happen overnight... or within the first 6 months, even the first year. The transition will become much easier for her if you don't force her hand to choose between you and her dad.

You want scriptural references, search the bible dictionary for love and patience.

And that picture you linked to... I don't know about Uruguay, but it's very normal in many families including mine (Philippines). If my husband would have told me I can't hug on my dad, we would have had a big fight that he cannot win. And it would really really hurt my trust in him because then I would suspect that he has such a low opinion of my dad and I that he thinks we're incestuous. That will take a very long time to recover from.

[mrmarklin]

First consider where the OP lives. Lots of different culture there that US based people don't really understand.

That being said, most couples benefit by moving away from their parent's sphere of influence. That way they can learn to depend on each other for needs, and not have the fall back of calling "mommy" or "daddy".

[MarginOfError]

My wife and I got married 4 months ago after 2 years of courtship. We have a happy marriage but there are some issues that keep repeating on and on and always disrupt our peace.

One of those issues is the relation between my wife and her father.

I'm going to assume that in your two years of courtship you observed this pattern of behavior. You should have known this wasn't going to stop just as soon as you got married.

I agree with much of the "cleave unto your spouse" rhetoric being expressed here, but I disagree that it has to happen instantaneously. If you want her dependence on her father to lessen, then you're going to need to build an independent woman.

Your wife finds comfort in reposing with her father (and there's nothing inherently wrong about that). If you want that to end, you need to help her find new ways of finding comfort and familiarity. You need to help her change, and grow, and develop into a different (and hopefully improved) version of herself. That will take time, patience, compassion, and some guidance.

And here's the hard part: you have to do it all without making her feel like she's a project. Try to do this too fast, be too pushy, or do it with a self-serving attitude, and it will blow up in your face. In short, before you can help her develop, you're going to have to help yourself develop too.

How to go about that, I dont' really know. I wish you the best of luck