Do we shelter our children too much?


Suzie
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Kate* is 18 years old and ready to go to college but is she ready? I have been working with her for the past two months. She deals weekly with severe anxiety attacks due to overwhelming parents who microscope her every move and want to ensure that she doesn't do anything "wrong".

Kate is a nice child, she performs very well in school, very eloquent for her age and is respectful and caring, she gives no indication of having any sort of behavioral issues but she is socially awkward due to the fact that she is not given the opportunity to socialize with her peers outside school hours.

She is not allowed to visit her friends at their home or invite them over to her house. Her parents are religious zealots and the only entertainment she is allowed to have is an old phone that the parents ensure to check on a daily basis for unwanted messages from "boys". Kate is also obese and has a very low self esteem.

The parents justify their position saying that they care about her and they do not want her to be like the rest of teenagers, drinking, using drugs and having sex. They believe they are protecting their daughter from all the dangers this world has to offer. Little they seem to realize that in a few months, Kate will go to college and her parents are not going to be there to "protect" her. One of the last things she told me a few weeks ago is that she is afraid to go because she does not know how to act around people( because she was never given the chance before), she is also afraid to become pregnant even though she is a virgin and has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she does not know how to think for herself since her parents do all the thinking for her.

My question is: Can sheltering your children too much become somehow a form of abuse? How do you personally recognize if you are sheltering them to that point?

*not her real name

Edited by Suzie
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I'm interested - in what capacity are you working with this girl, Suzie?

The parents justify their position saying that they care about her and they do not want her to be like the rest of teenagers, drinking, using drugs and having sex.

...

They believe they are protecting their daughter from all the dangers this world has to offer.

Heh. The second thing, taken to an extreme, is a pretty horrible way of reaching the stated goal. Not to mention the implied view of "every other teenager out there except my beautiful baby". Do they really believe "the rest of teenagers" are all off doing this?
My question is: Can sheltering your children too much become somehow a form of abuse?
Oh, anything done too much can reach the point of abuse. I don't think this does - at least, not in the eyes of our earthly laws. It is simply not possible to pass enough laws to cover all the different ways parents can screw up their kids.
How do you personally recognize if you are sheltering them to that point?
We homeschool. Which means we own a bumper sticker that reads "Danger! Unsocialized Homeschoolers on board!" I always have to giggle when someone's gut reaction to the news, is to voice concern about adequate socialization. Then I read accounts like this.

I see it as my job to help my kids grow into capable, smart, moral adults who are ready/willing/able to pursue their own lives and contribute to society in positive ways. That's my goal as a homeschooling dad. That means I keep them from injury. That doesn't mean I keep them from the knowledge and skills that such well-rounded adults need.

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My question is: Can sheltering your children too much become somehow a form of abuse? How do you personally recognize if you are sheltering them to that point?

Truly depends on how a person defines abuse, which the term "abuse" is a wide brush now adays. I would consider it unwise parenting, and at times even when we think we are "wise" in our parenting we may actually be unwise. So, No, I don't believe sheltering could be defined as abuse, nor should be.

I don't think people who are sheltering kids to this point will recognize it -- it is under the guise of doing good. Hard to convince a person, even ourselves, they are wrong if the motiviation is "I am doing good."

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We homeschool. Which means we own a bumper sticker that reads "Danger! Unsocialized Homeschoolers on board!" I always have to giggle when someone's gut reaction to the news, is to voice concern about adequate socialization. Then I read accounts like this.

I have a much larger response to Suzies post coming... But I just have to respond to this:

We homeschooled for many years.

Post divorce, no longer possible.

My kids were soooooooo much more social when we were HS'ing than they are now in public school! Now, in public school, they have a small handful of close friends, and probably 20-30 acquaintances

While HS'ing, they each had 20-30'close friends... And hundreds of acquaintances.

It's a facet of time and employment.

While HS'ing they were each generally in 3-4 year round activities, and then 2-3 seasonal ones.

In addition to outside classes, camps, etc.

In away-school, they're stuck in one room with 20 kids 8 hours a day, or are with 50 different kids every hour (middle&highschool). The first, you're only going to really gel with a couple of kids. The second, and even if you'd gel with a couple of kids in each class, there simply isn't the time to form a friendship. In each case, the kids end up with 2-3 close friends. We also MAYBE have time to do 1 seasonal OR 1 year round activity. So, ditto there. Which makes up that small handful.

So 20 close friends, 100s of acquaintances vs 4.

But people talk about how much more social they "get" to be now that they're in away school and I just burst out laughing.

I think The Bitter Homeschooler said it best:

2 Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of both concepts.

3 Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize.

Q

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Truly depends on how a person defines abuse, which the term "abuse" is a wide brush now adays. I would consider it unwise parenting, and at times even when we think we are "wise" in our parenting we may actually be unwise. So, No, I don't believe sheltering could be defined as abuse, nor should be.

I don't think people who are sheltering kids to this point will recognize it -- it is under the guise of doing good. Hard to convince a person, even ourselves, they are wrong if the motiviation is "I am doing good."

Ditto to all of this.

I don't think I'd go as far as to say that over-sheltering is a form of abuse, but it's definitely not in the child's best interest (at least, when it goes as far as "Kate's" example), and can, as LM said, really screw them up.

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Kate* is 18 years old and ready to go to college but is she ready? I have been working with her for the two months. She deals weekly with severe anxiety attacks due to overwhelming parents who microscope her every move and want to ensure that she doesn't do anything "wrong".

Kate is a nice child, she performs very well in school, very eloquent for her age and is respectful and caring, she gives no indication of having any sort of behavioral issues but she is socially awkward due to the fact that she is not given the opportunity to socialize with her peers outside school hours.

She is not allowed to visit her friends at their home or invite them over to her house. Her parents are religious zealots and the only entertainment she is allowed to have is an old phone that the parents ensure to check on a daily basis for unwanted messages from "boys". Kate is also obese and has a very low self esteem.

The parents justify their position saying that they care about her and they do not want her to be like the rest of teenagers, drinking, using drugs and having sex. They believe they are protecting their daughter from all the dangers this world has to offer. Little they seem to realize that in a few months, Kate will go to college and her parents are not going to be there to "protect" her. One of the last things she told me a few weeks ago is that she is afraid to go because she does not know how to act around people( because she was never given the chance before), she is also afraid to become pregnant even though she is a virgin and has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she does not know how to think for herself since her parents do all the thinking for her.

My question is: Can sheltering your children too much become somehow a form of abuse? How do you personally recognize if you are sheltering them to that point?

*not her real name

Other than the obese part, this sounds a lot like my young adulthood. Ok, no phone either.

I am a little more laxed with my kids because I want them to hae a few more oppertunities. I am still way more strict than most, but I think that kids do need monitored. I check their facebook, and make sure they turn in phones at 9pm. a also stay very open with them, so if there is a problem at some point, they will talk to me. I ask them regularly if they have been tempted with cheating, smoking, lying, oposite gender, whatever. I will not let them go to school dances until they are 14 like church dances. I plan to keep this up. Yet I also feel they need to do things on their own as well, they will be going n missions, and college at 18. I want them to be ready. They need to hang at the mall now and then, our house, with friends, and other's homes (as long as I know parents) So they can learn to be with others. They need the social development or they will not do well as adults.

I don't think it is child abuse, but could be if it was a bit more extreme. But I don't think these parents are doing what is best for their child...depending on the child.

Edited by Jennarator
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Thanks for all the thoughts so far. I agree, it is not abuse but talking with her makes me think about how many times as parents we try so hard to help our children but we end up affecting them negatively without realizing it. Unfortunately because of poor parenting skills, they end up making some really bad decisions that can change their lives forever.

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I dont think its abuse. I havnt read what the others said. But anything that is overboard like being too shelter, too spoiled, etc etc is not good. Parents need to teach their children to be independent. they need to learn to stand on their own two feet, and make decisions for themselves and learn the consequences of making wrong choices. I dont know much about childhood anxiety just that .I think it is sad

Her low self esteem is not good at all Imo thats a very important thing parents need to teach their children. And her weight problem is not good Hopefully some one can take this children under their wings and love her, help her with her weight and self esteem. Teach her how to make good decsions. Even thou she is 18teen it is not to late for her to learn.

God Bless this Child!!!!

Edited by Roseslipper
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Helicopter Parents are trending. But this case goes beyond Helicopter Parenting. There's a slight difference between allowing daughters to go out but with the parents constantly hovering over them and a parent who refuses to let daughters outside at all.

And, although, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's abuse (it seems an injustice to lump this with the kid that got thrown in the oven), I am inclined to think that this is more harmful than the Helicopter Parent.

I'm a lot more loose with my children but I do hovering things - like the "invisible rope" called a cellphone that tells me where my kid is. It's not that I don't trust that my kid told me the truth when he said he's biking to his friend's house. It's more of a peace-of-mind thing that I don't need to call the cops and issue an Amber alert...

So, basically, after teaching what we believe are correct principles, we allow the kids to make decisions for themselves - to succed or to fail and carry consequences. We simply control the environment to limit the amount of trouble they can get themselves into so the consequences wouldn't be so dire.

We don't save them from the consequences - so we tell our kids that if they end up in jail for what they choose to do - we may choose not to bail them out, so they better make sure that what they did to land them in jail is worth gettng incarcerated for.

But then my kids are 10 and 12. Too early to tell if we are doing the right thing. And that's really the rub, isn't it? Every kid is so different and every parent so different that you have very unique dynamics going on for each child. And you get one shot to do it right - because you blink, and the opportunity is gone and they're off married or living on their own. The most we can hope for is that they don't end up in jail or dead. And if we're feeling really lucky, they're still speaking to us by the time they turn 18...

Edited by anatess
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Unfortunately because of poor parenting skills, they end up making some really bad decisions that can change their lives forever.
Surely I'm as interested in advocating good parenting as the next person over, but that "can" is the operative word here. Children grow into adults, and pretty much everyone can do things to minimize or eliminate the impact of a poor upbringing on their adult life.

I'm absolutely not condoning bad parenting, or dismissing the impact it can have on kids throughout their lives. Some folks live good lives party due to their parents, others live good lives partly in spite of their parents.

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Well, I'm a devoted follower of the blog Free-range Kids and tend to think it wise for kids' development to have a bit of freedom and risk. Now, part of parents' job is to shelter their kids, but yes, oversheltering can be done. At 18, most kids should be ready to go out into the world. If a person isn't ready to do that to some degree, something went wrong. Could be the kid himself, could be the parents. But I do think that, in connection with appropriate sheltering, parents also have the job of preparing their offspring to get out in the world. If the sheltering obscures the preparation, that is very bad parenting.

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Well, I'm a devoted follower of the blog Free-range Kids and tend to think it wise for kids' development to have a bit of freedom and risk. Now, part of parents' job is to shelter their kids, but yes, oversheltering can be done. At 18, most kids should be ready to go out into the world. If a person isn't ready to do that to some degree, something went wrong. Could be the kid himself, could be the parents. But I do think that, in connection with appropriate sheltering, parents also have the job of preparing their offspring to get out in the world. If the sheltering obscures the preparation, that is very bad parenting.

I'm also a using a lot of free-ranger principles. But I'm not as free as the Free Rangers. I still have this voice in my head that bugs me constantly saying, "it only takes once!", and it holds me back some.

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Good evening Suzie. I hope you've had a good day! :)

My question is: Can sheltering your children too much become somehow a form of abuse?

I don't think so.

How do you personally recognize if you are sheltering them to that point?

Not sure how I can answer this question because it implies that sheltering can be a form of abuse. I think I can answer the question in the thread title, though: Do we shelter our children too much?

Generally speaking, I have no idea. Do I shelter my children too much? I don't think so.

Here is the thing, though, and which is what makes these questions difficult to answer in a strong definitive way is that what constitutes too much sheltering and who is the judge of that?

Each person, each family, is unique therefore answering these questions requires generalizing a whole population when the generalization probably will not apply to each person or family situation. Our goal as parents (my wife and I) is to govern our household based upon eternal principles. These principles I know are universally applicable. But, even with eternal truths, there will be varying degrees as to how each principle is applied.

As imperfect mortals it is a guarantee that some actions we as parents take will affect our children negatively in some way. Sooner or later, we are going to make mistakes. One reason I love the gospel of Jesus Christ is that it provides a foundation that is sure and steady. Even though I don't know how to handle each situation or what is the best thing for every one of my children, I can be sure that there are truths that I can measure my actions by. So, there are times when clearly I've acted in a way that is contrary to eternal truth or principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ and when I have it has affected my family negatively. There are most likely going to be some traits that my children will pick up from me that are not good. But, we (my wife and I) are striving to live and to parent based on principles of the gospel and so there will be some good traits too that my children will pick up from me. Of course my hope is that when it is all said and done the good parenting traits will have outweighed the bad parenting traits.

It is also true that at some point or another, each child will become accountable for their own choices and actions. We can only blame our parents to a limited extent. As an individual increases in light and truth they become aware of some of the negative traits they have picked up from their parents. When this happens then this is where the child must make a choice, and it is on them now, of whether they are going to perpetuate these bad traits or work to abolish them from their life. I know I picked up a lot of bad traits from my parents. Some things I learned from my parents that weren't gospel centered took years for me to even recognize that they were "bad". But when I did recognize them, then at that point, it became my problem and not my parent's problem.

Anyways, to sum up my thoughts I think it is important that parents first make the decision to live according to the gospel of Jesus Christ. This decision provides a universal and an unchanging measuring stick by which we can decide how to govern our families and to know how we are doing. Implementing the gospel can vary based on situations, the child, and many other things. This is where the struggle for us has been. What is the best way we can implement this principle of the gospel so that our children will have the prime opportunity to be exposed to it, to learn it, and then hopefully to decide to live by these eternal principles in their life. That just might mean that some parents will need to be more sheltering than other families, etc.

-Finrock

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Sounds like counterproductive parenting, to be sure. But I don't like to use the term "abuse", because that triggers all sorts of nasty legal processes. What happens when our duly designated intelligentsia decide that Mormon child-rearing practices are somehow counterproductive--nay, abusive?

I don't want to minimize the problem; but methinks the cure is worse than the disease.

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Just because someone can drink and do all those things, doesn't mean they will.

I had my first drink at 19... (which if you don't know is legal where I live) didn't care for it, might have drank less then 5 times more until I decided it certainly wasn't for me, and at 25 can't remember the last time I partook.

I never had any interest in smoking or rough housing.

My parents didn't try and censor what I watched most often (save vulgar things, they thought it made someone sound uneducated)

By time I did anything anyone might feel is questionable or bad, I was already an adult.

Though compared to many people my age, I certainly am a boring sort.

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A big part of being a mom is protecting my kids. An equally big part is raising them to be confident, capable, responsible adults. It's important to give them room and opportunity to spread their wings, and possible to do so from a close enough distance to be there when they need us. Sheltering, hovering, and isolating does not prepare them; it stunts their growth.

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I agree, great points so far everyone. I think a lot of parents struggle with the concept of letting their children spread their wings. In Kate's example, she will not be allowed to have a boyfriend or date until she moves out of the house.

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My opinion, for what it's worth:

Weird is weird. It doesn't have to do with sheltering or homeschooling. Weird parents cause problems for their kids. (Normal parents do to, of course, as everyone is imperfect, but less so, I think.)

The truth is, imo, that as the world goes further down the devil's path, what was once considered sheltering and overprotective will be the only recourse of protection. Homeschooling has been mentioned. 20 years back, homeschooling was a rather extreme choice. 20 years hence and I expect that any sane parent will be homeschooling.

There are those who would claim any teaching values to children, any punishment, any discipline, etc., is overprotective sheltering.

I think that it ends up being a cost/benefit thing. Are their costs to sheltering? Yes. Are the benefits? Yes. Does the one outweigh the other? I don't know.

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Thanks for all the thoughts so far. I agree, it is not abuse but talking with her makes me think about how many times as parents we try so hard to help our children but we end up affecting them negatively without realizing it. Unfortunately because of poor parenting skills, they end up making some really bad decisions that can change their lives forever.

Suzie, in light of this comment, I thought you might like these three quotes (and yes I wonder how often I am a stumbling block to my children even though I am trying to "do good."):

"Dr. Paul Popenoe said, “Our youth are not products of their own lives, but of what their parents give them. If we can get parents to set a good example, we will take away the greatest stumbling block between generations.”

"The Lord said: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Prov. 22:6.)

("The Things That Matter Most," President A. Theodore Tuttle, December 1971 Ensign)

"If it is small, undiversified, and unused, the complaint must rest on the parent. Seeds of culture are best sown in the fertile ground of infant imitation. No amount of criticizing in the teen years can substitute for the young years of example that are lost. A parent who lost his chance to be a hero-image left a gap for a teen hero.” (Richard Nibley.) (Satan’s Thrust—Youth)

"We must try to rear our children so that they are neither deprived of affection nor spoiled. We must give our children responsibilities according to their capabilities and never overprotect them from the difficulties they will encounter."

(Elder Marvin J. Ashton, June 1971 Ensign, "Love of the Right")

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I agree, great points so far everyone. I think a lot of parents struggle with the concept of letting their children spread their wings. In Kate's example, she will not be allowed to have a boyfriend or date until she moves out of the house.

assuming she'll be able to have any normal relationships with such low self esteem and a huge lack of understanding.

saying someone can and someone will is vastly different.

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I think parents can definitely shelter children too much. I wouldn't call it abuse either.

I am glad for the opportunities I had to get into trouble as a kid when the consequences were less serious and I had (direct) family support. I think my parents did a pretty amazing job of letting go of the reigns a little at a time (at the right times) to let me learn from mistakes and become more independent.

I had many friends who were far more restricted than I was and they were always the ones that were more likely to rebel (correlation is not causation... their parents may well have restricted them harshly because they hadn't shown they could be trusted)

In any event I think it is a great disservice to put children in the position of utter shock when they get out into the adult world.

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A small observation from my own growing up:

Many kids (not even most, but many) from the super strict families seemed the ones more prone to rebellion and trouble.

Many kids from the very lenient families also seemed to wind up in a lot of trouble.

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I agree, great points so far everyone. I think a lot of parents struggle with the concept of letting their children spread their wings. In Kate's example, she will not be allowed to have a boyfriend or date until she moves out of the house.

There's also a dynamic here where the daughter is a very timid personality that ascerbates the situation.

My parents were very strict. But, my personality is far from timid. I defied my parents unreasonable (to me) rules and blazed a trail for my sister. Interestingly, my sister is the timid one. But, because I was always in trouble, she can get away with anything because it doesn't make a splash in my parents' radar. Nothing she does is ever close enough to my antics. I am fairly certain things would have been very different for her if she was the only child.

But, even with my defiance, my parents' rules are always there in my mind. So, yes, I do things like fly off to America and such but I can hear my mom shouting in my ear when I get close to dangerous things - like getting on with friends doing drugs and such.

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Kate* is 18 years old and ready to go to college but is she ready? I have been working with her for the two months. She deals weekly with severe anxiety attacks due to overwhelming parents who microscope her every move and want to ensure that she doesn't do anything "wrong".

Kate is a nice child, she performs very well in school, very eloquent for her age and is respectful and caring, she gives no indication of having any sort of behavioral issues but she is socially awkward due to the fact that she is not given the opportunity to socialize with her peers outside school hours.

She is not allowed to visit her friends at their home or invite them over to her house. Her parents are religious zealots and the only entertainment she is allowed to have is an old phone that the parents ensure to check on a daily basis for unwanted messages from "boys". Kate is also obese and has a very low self esteem.

The parents justify their position saying that they care about her and they do not want her to be like the rest of teenagers, drinking, using drugs and having sex. They believe they are protecting their daughter from all the dangers this world has to offer. Little they seem to realize that in a few months, Kate will go to college and her parents are not going to be there to "protect" her. One of the last things she told me a few weeks ago is that she is afraid to go because she does not know how to act around people( because she was never given the chance before), she is also afraid to become pregnant even though she is a virgin and has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she does not know how to think for herself since her parents do all the thinking for her.

My question is: Can sheltering your children too much become somehow a form of abuse? How do you personally recognize if you are sheltering them to that point?

*not her real name

Based on "Kate"... Yes! What her parents did was not sheltering. It was an abuse of sorts because they didn't allow her to grow. Our children come with their agency. Anything we, as parents, do to try to take their agency away is a sin ...Plain and simple.

Parents cannot remove agency. Children either do what "Kate" did in your description or they rebel. As parents its our job to teach our children to live in this world. They have to be allowed to make mistakes when they are young and parents are in control of the circumstances/consequences to a degree, because sheltering your children from their mistakes makes their life very hard as adults, when society will decide the consequences of their mistakes.

I'm not sure parents who are sheltering their children to the point you're describing will realize their mistake until its pointed out to them, and maybe not even then. Likely, they will think "we're the parents and know what's best." Forgetting that only Heavenly Father knows best.

How do I personally know? Well my kids weren't submissive like "Kate". LOL They grabbed hold of their agency and the fight was on. I learned with my oldest a very important lesson. Its a Sin to try to take a child's agency from them. I did better with the 3 younger children.

When my kids were in high school and on the swim team I had a conversation with another Swim Mom (also LDS, married the temple, etc.) At one point in the conversation she said "I don't remember voting for agency in the War in Heaven." And she meant it. She didn't believe her children should be allowed their agency. I was speechless. "Allowed their agency"? Like we as mere mortals have the ability to take a God-given gift away. :o

"Kate's" parents have made life harder for their daughter. That doesn't mean she can't learn now though.

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Thanks for the thoughts. Actually, Kate is not submissive at all or timid. She is very outspoken. Just recently, the police was called as she almost got into a physical altercation with her own mother when the latter tried to slap her because Kate was being "rude". Now, for Kate's mom being rude means to express a different view in a straightforward manner.

I have hope for Kate due to the fact that even though she expresses all these thoughts like it is a natural occurrence, she knows it is far from normal and is determined to learn social skills and deal with her personal issues. Her parents by the other hand are not willing.

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