Severity of Adultery

[johnnyutah99]

I feel very ashamed coming here and admitting that I have crossed a line I never thought I would. My wife and I have been struggling within the marriage for many years and just last month my wife indicated to me that I am "cut off" from any kind of sexual activity with her until the relationship improves which was devastating. I should also mention that I have been inactive in the church for many years while my wife has been faithfully active along with our children.

I have struggled with alcohol as well and one day after an argument about the topic of sex, I stormed out of the house and went to a bar and of course attempted to "drown my sorrows". In the process I ended up talking to a woman and eventually I found myself at her apartment. While intercourse wasn't involved there was "heavy petting" involved. I felt tremendously guilty and scared the next day after the alcohol wore off. I felt the exact opposite of how I thought I was going to feel. I felt resentment and anger about being deprived from my wife but I do not justify what I did either. I am inactive but I have felt like I should reach out to the bishop of my ward on this. I am terrified that if I tell my wife then she will divorce me immediately and I will not be able to see my children as often anymore. We are in counseling too and I know eventually I am going to have to bring this up. I feel so ashamed and guilty and terrified.

Did I indeed commit adultery to a point of being excommunicated? I feel so lost and completely depressed. I don't know what to do.

Edited March 16, 2014 by johnnyutah99

[skippy740]

If you want to know what the CHI says, I don't *think* you crossed the line for excommunication. However, and you know this, you flirted dangerously close to that line.

The more pro-active you are in confession, the easier it would be to confess to your wife.

You need to go to church tomorrow at a minimum. It will surprise your wife as an effort on your part. But don't count your chickens just yet. I would not recommend partaking of the sacrament, but that's an individual decision, of course.

Talk to your Bishop ASAP - without your wife.

You may want to talk to your counselor alone - without your wife.

The more pro-active you are, the easier it will be... but I won't tell you that it won't be hard. At some point, as part of the repentance process, you will need to confess this to your wife. However, it WILL go better if she knows that you talked to your Bishop and your counselor first on a pro-active basis, instead of a reaction to HER reaction.

[johnnyutah99]

Yeah I'm glad you said that. I actually scheduled a meeting with the bishop tomorrow and I had planned on making an appointment with the counselor we are seeing jointly but making an individual appointment. I know the confession to my wife is going to have to be in a setting with a third party involved. The immediate silver lining from this is that I have gone cold turkey with the alcohol and I no longer feel like sex is an issue. I see how resentment and anger can lead me astray in that area. It is all overwhelming. Thank you for your response.

[Palerider]

Yeah I'm glad you said that. I actually scheduled a meeting with the bishop tomorrow and I had planned on making an appointment with the counselor we are seeing jointly but making an individual appointment. I know the confession to my wife is going to have to be in a setting with a third party involved. The immediate silver lining from this is that I have gone cold turkey with the alcohol and I no longer feel like sex is an issue. I see how resentment and anger can lead me astray in that area. It is all overwhelming. Thank you for your response.

Talk over with your Bishop tomorrow will be good

[Str8Shooter]

Talk to the Bishop and tell him what you need to tell him. He is called of God to help everyone in his ward, active or inactive, member or non-member. This can be fixed. You are not a terrible person. You can be forgiven. EVERYBODY makes mistakes. I'm not just saying this to help you feel better. I am telling you this because it's the flat out truth. It might get a bit rough before it gets better, but it WILL without any doubt get better.

I'm not choosing sides here but using sex as a negotiating tool is extremely destructive to a relationship. If it plays any part in any relationship go to counseling! I am always saddened when I hear about it, but happy when I hear about people getting help for it.

[Quin]

I would be less concerned about the church... As with real repentance & work HF will always forgive you... But the same is not true of wives.

Q

[Leah]

Talk to the Bishop and tell him what you need to tell him. He is called of God to help everyone in his ward, active or inactive, member or non-member. This can be fixed. You are not a terrible person. You can be forgiven. EVERYBODY makes mistakes. I'm not just saying this to help you feel better. I am telling you this because it's the flat out truth. It might get a bit rough before it gets better, but it WILL without any doubt get better.

I'm not choosing sides here but using sex as a negotiating tool is extremely destructive to a relationship. If it plays any part in any relationship go to counseling! I am always saddened when I hear about it, but happy when I hear about people getting help for it.

Negotiating tool?

So a spouse should always be wiiling to have sex no matter how the other party is treating them? No matter what their behavior? I can understand a spouse not feeling romantic towards someone abusing alcohol, etc.

Are we blaming the wife for the husband's infidelity? Seems like sex is more important to him than his wife.

[Bini]

Growing up I was constantly reminded that as a wife I am to never withhold sex from my husband because it would result in him finding it elsewhere. That is the worst advice I have ever heard when it comes to lovemaking in a marriage.

There are justified reasons why a woman might not want sexual intercourse, and it isn't sinful for her to say, "no, not now." Off the top of my head I can think of these: She is on her period. (This isn't only messy and disgusting for some women but there are such things as menstrual cramps that make just moving uncomfortable!) She is pregnant. She is the sole caretaker of a special needs child that demands 24/7 constant supervision and attention, and gets little to no relief during the day, so come night time sex is the very last thing on her mind! She has an abusive or uncaring husband - why should she allow an intimate act involving her body when her spouse is abusive and selfish? - that makes no sense! To boot, we all know that regardless of contraceptives, pregnancy is always possible - so IF your marriage is typically dysfunctional - why risk adding a child (or another child) to an already toxic mess? I would think sex is NOT a priority on the list and building rapport and respect is. Lastly, there are so many ways spouses can show intimacy for each other without getting into each other's pants. Think about it. If you can't name even one thing, well, I'm sorry.

/rant

[Guest]

http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/55747-new-rules-sexual-discussion.html

[skippy740]

Let's keep the thread focused on the OP's question & situation so we can leave it open.

[johnnyutah99]

UPDATE: I ended up talking with the bishop today and yes there will be consideration on some kind of disciplinary consequence but excommunication was not strongly emphasized due to the circumstances I have described. I expressed my sincere regret and shame. I now have to talk to the counselor that my wife and I are both seeing but I will see the counselor individually first to break this news. But everything pales in comparison to how my wife is going to react in my opinion. I feel tremendously terrified of what I stand to lose. This is all overwhelming but I know it is necessary rather than carry this burden of guilt and shame. I hope for the best and live moment to moment instead of letting the past eat me alive emotionally. I appreciate all of the feedback and advice here. Thank you.

[Quin]

UPDATE: I ended up talking with the bishop today and yes there will be consideration on some kind of disciplinary consequence but excommunication was not strongly emphasized due to the circumstances I have described. I expressed my sincere regret and shame. I now have to talk to the counselor that my wife and I are both seeing but I will see the counselor individually first to break this news. But everything pales in comparison to how my wife is going to react in my opinion. I feel tremendously terrified of what I stand to lose. This is all overwhelming but I know it is necessary rather than carry this burden of guilt and shame. I hope for the best and live moment to moment instead of letting the past eat me alive emotionally. I appreciate all of the feedback and advice here. Thank you.

One thing to consider is whether unburdening yourself by casting it on your wife is the right thing to do.

I'm the kind of person who would want to know.

But not all are.

And many who have betrayed their spouse don't care about the pain they will be causing their spouse, as long as they don't have to feel the guilt and shame any more. It's such a relief to them, that's all hey care about. The telling is just another aspect to the selfishness that led them to betray them in the first place.

I say this not to make you feel worse, but as something that you should discuss with your therapist. Whether the right thing to do is to disclose to your wife, or not.

Q

[skippy740]

I *believe* it is also a requirement for repentance, so I would also talk with your Bishop about it as well.

[John11111]

Sexual fulfillment is an emotional need, for some people its more important than other emotional needs such as conversation, affection, domestic support, companionship, etc.

Withholding sexual fulfillment or using it as a punishment is awful. Withholding any emotional need is awful and it is usually an ingredient to the beginnings of an affair (as seen by the op story)

When our emotional needs are not met sometimes we find someone who meets those needs and there you go, an emotional/physical affair begins. Im not saying that makes it right or that its anyone fault however anything that contributes to or that leads to the degradation of a relationship should be dealt away with or fixed.

Often times we find ourselves in a viscous cycle with the person we are supposed to love. Well he didnt do the dishes so I wont do this, well she didnt do that so I wont do this eventually neither spouse is willing to put in effort into the relationship because the other doesnt. Someone has to break that cycle and start to meet ALL of the emotional needs of the other.

Its not instant and one spouse will have to show unconditional love for the other for a time without expecting anything in return in this way the cycle can be broken. Nobody can do this forever though there needs to be work on both sides.

Now in cases of abuse, drugs, alcohol things change a bit safety is a concern. You say you have struggled with alcohol but that doesnt say a lot. However this is a major issue that you need to address if you want things to get better.

You cant change your wife but you can change yourself what you did will hurt her greatly I know I been through it. You will have a lot of making up to do to her if she decides to forgive you and you will have to show unconditional love to her without expecting anything in return to regain her trust and love for you. It wont be easy and it will take time maybe even years but if you are committed and she is willing to forgive you then it can be done.

Edited March 17, 2014 by John11111

[believingisachoice]

Honestly if you have been drinking for years your wife should not be shocked when you come clean to her about your infidelity. You were without the Spirit and had developed years of self destructie behavior.

 

If your wife leaves then that is the decision she will make. Many women would have left after the years of inactivity and drinking let alone cheating. So if she walks don't hold it against her because she did not drive you to that bar that night.

 

You can be forgiven and make a return through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It just may be without your wife. Good luck.

[omegaseamaster75]

First you didn't commit adultery, did you make poor decisions yes!! will you be excommunicated no way.

 

It is obvious to the outside observer that the church still holds sway in your decision making process, go to church it's not hard and after a few weeks it will be a habit. Ignore the people who stare or say things like "long time no see". You still have a testimony deep down inside, grow it. If you have an addiction go to the church addiction recovery program. Don't make excuses just do it. Decide now what is important to you your wife and family or the bottle and poor decisions.

 

Continue in therapy, I am one of those people who wouldn't tell your wife about your indiscretion, but that's me you have to make your own decision on that one.

[applepansy]

I wasn't going to contribute to this thread.  Everyone has said what I would say.  Then I ran across the following and felt impressed to post it.  The key here is that there are more things than other women that men sometimes choose instead of their wife.  It sounds like you've started to identify some of the things you've chosen instead of your wife but have you identified them all?

 

[omegaseamaster75]

Maybe she needs to know that there are other "auditions" and she will take her role a a little more seriously. Just like in work, they bring in the young buck and all of the sudden everyone starts to work a little harder...because EVERYONE can be replaced.

[Saul Hudson]

No excommunication. But sex to a man is a physical need, just like the need for food. Can a wife just refuse forever and expect a positive outcome?

 

Anyway, you mentioned drinking so I wanted to tell you that there is a great book called "Rational Recovery" by Jack Trimpey that will help you overcome your addiction. It's not like that AA nonsense at all. Rational Recovery will teach you the real reason why you drink and then you can stop for good. I haven't had a drop in over 5 years, not have I wanted to.

[Guest]

You won't die without sex.

[Vort]

You won't die without sex.

 

No, you'll just wish you would.

[Guest]

I'm not saying a sexless marriage is a good thing in any way. But let's not say it's a necessity for life in the same way that food is, lest we encourage immoral behavior. 

[Vort]

You're right, of course. My response was half in jest. (But only half.)

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

UPDATE: I ended up talking with the bishop today and yes there will be consideration on some kind of disciplinary consequence but excommunication was not strongly emphasized due to the circumstances I have described. I expressed my sincere regret and shame. I now have to talk to the counselor that my wife and I are both seeing but I will see the counselor individually first to break this news. But everything pales in comparison to how my wife is going to react in my opinion. I feel tremendously terrified of what I stand to lose. This is all overwhelming but I know it is necessary rather than carry this burden of guilt and shame. I hope for the best and live moment to moment instead of letting the past eat me alive emotionally. I appreciate all of the feedback and advice here. Thank you.

 

Well done.  I imagine that talking to the Bishop was difficult, but you did it.  How wonderful to have that part behind you.  

 

I'm glad to hear you are both in counseling, and that you will be talking to your counselor individually as well. 

 

I think you are doing a great job of making amends.  We all make mistakes, but not everyone has the courage to do what needs to be done to repent.  You are doing that.  Give yourself some credit.

 

I hope you and your wife can work things out.  Of course, we can't predict the future, but in the spirit of encouragement...I have a friend (she's older, her kids are grown and on their own).  After years of verbal abuse, she went inactive, left her husband for a year, had an affair, or a few...then serious health issues brought her and her husband back together.  She says they are now talking, really talking for the first time in their lives.  She confessed everything to him, and he confessed all his stuff to her as well.  They have become best friends.  They are so happy.  I never would have imagined things could turn out this way for them.

We hear many stories of marriages that didn't work out.  But I wonder if there are also many stories like the one I just shared that we don't hear about because people (understandably) don't want to air their dirty laundry.  We just see these happy couples and maybe even envy them without knowing what it took for them to get to that point.  

I can't predict how your wife will react, but don't give up hope. 

[estradling75]

You won't die without sex.

 

 

Nope... but a person will not die without being married either...  Doesn't mean it is good.

 

Generally speaking without sex a man might start feeling unloved, unwanted, unappreciated... etc.  I am sure everyone understand what those feelings are and how toxic they can be in a marriage (No matter which spouse they come from)