Bini Posted March 24, 2014 Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 This is a continuation from this thread: A good friend of mine is at a crossroads in her marriage after suspicions of her husband having an affair were confirmed. They have been married for about five years and have four children. For the longest time, I hadn't even the slightest inkling that anything was wrong with their marriage - they always seemed perfect together - until a few days ago when everything hit the fan and she needed a friend to talk to.So this affair started when her husband started a new job and became close with a female co-worker. They would do lunch on a regular basis, which initially, she had no concerns about because she fully trusted him. But then, she said it extended to constant texting back and forth, which DH got defensive over when she asked that he not text her while he's home with the family unless it's an emergency at work, otherwise it can wait until he's at the office. She said that he then accused her of being insecure and controlling - so she dropped it. While this upset her, the idea of her DH having an affair hadn't even crossed her mind... What was the game changer was when he planned a Jazz game trip (they live far south) with a "friend" who he led her to believe was a male friend but in actuality was this female co-worker. They spent a couple days together, same hotel, probably same room, etc. etc. This was discovered when she signed onto Facebook and this supposed male friend wasn't at a Jazz game with her DH. (She isn't online much, at all, with four kids.) She said that she sent him a message and he responded that her DH hadn't said anything about a Jazz game at all. So all these feelings festered until she decided to ask him point blank what the heck was going on. In short, he admitted to having a physical affair and said that he didn't want to talk about it any further.She says she's still processing it all and doesn't know where to begin. He won't talk to her, he is in control of the finances, so she has no way of surviving on her own with four kids at this point. He knows this. She said that he's basically indicated that he doesn't want to change anything but rather he will continue to do his thing and she is free to do her thing (which is changing diapers all day and tending to their one child with severe autism). Of course, this crushes her because she always believed they'd be happy together. To make things worse, their car recently has had issues and this lady friend (female co-worker) is picking him up everyday at their house until it's repaired. My friend is just gutted by this.Is there any good advice I can give? Do I just give the run-of-the-mill advice of: hang in there and it'll work out? (I don't see that happening.. at least, not by the efforts of one person.) They are inactive LDS and don't consider themselves members, so consulting a bishop isn't something my friend relates to at all. Things have gone from bad to worse, but as an outsider, I only know one side of the story. Still, I am seeing what used to be a cheerful and upbeat woman, now in tears and at the end of her rope. I won't get into further details of what she has relayed to me, other than, the affair her husband had continues. To point, I'm feeling prompted to offer my home as refuge for she and her four children - all under the age of four - one is autistic, non-speaking and blind. But, I'm also having great reservations about it. I've done some praying and I can't pinpoint what I'm supposed to do. My husband told me that I cannot rescue her from her down spiralling marriage, and it is not my place to do so. I realise that, but it's hard to watch her family fall apart. I should add that my husband is against the idea of having them stay with us, and for many reasons, I'll just leave it at that. In the end, I honour my husband and his opinion on the matter, and while part of me wants to put my friend and her kids under our wing, another part of me says... "whoa---hold on there". Some of you have talked about getting her finances in order. I have tried to approach her regarding this and she hasn't been very responsive. Not sure what else can be done about her husband being the breadwinner and having sole control of finances, and she being an unemployed stay at home parent. I am wondering a couple things though but I'll start with this: can she legally kick him out of the home? I should mention that she's considering divorce, though as of now, she just wants to protect herself and the children. Any non-official legal advice on this? Or, how a single mother with not a penny to her name, can walk out and still provide for her children until court comes into play? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 24, 2014 Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 How close a friend are you? If this is one of my best friends, her husband and his co-worker will be getting a giant piece of my mind. Then I'd be sending my friend to the spa while I take care of all her kids... then we'd be working on rearranging the finances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted March 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 How close a friend are you? If this is one of my best friends, her husband and his co-worker will be getting a giant piece of my mind. Then I'd be sending my friend to the spa while I take care of all her kids... then we'd be working on rearranging the finances.Anatess, that's what I'm REALLY CLOSE TO DOING! We are tight - like - an iron fist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 24, 2014 Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 Anatess, that's what I'm REALLY CLOSE TO DOING! We are tight - like - an iron fist!It would take my husband holding me down to stop that iron fist from connecting with his jaw... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted March 24, 2014 Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 You may be able to talk to the Bishop about financial assistance to get the car repaired.This can be good for two reasons:1) It could lead to less contact with the co-worker.2) It can help prepare for a separation, if she feels that's the next step.Of course, such help doesn't come "free". An expectation of service or some church attendance may be requested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quin Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) I don't usually recommend this site on here... It's secular/nondenominational/all welcome and although it is heavily moderates, people are in extreme pain, so the language & graphic nature of many posts reflect that. However it's ALSO the best place I know of to get educated about infidelity. You don't have to go to the forums (where the language will make a sailor blush) ... 'The Healing Library' articles, books, & links has publishing standards. What is generally thought of as most useful is understanding- Blameshifting- Trickle Truth- Gaslighting- 180- Friends of the Affair vs Friends of the Marriage- No Contact- Transparency- and probably a few things I'm forgettingAlong with basics like getting STD tests on both yourself & your kids, how to protect yourself & your kids legally (especially if you're reconciling, which may seem counterintuitive, but in divorce you have an attorney looking out for you. Reconciling, you're on your own), and what the general timeline is on both reconciliation & divorce. SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by InfidelityQ Edited March 25, 2014 by Quin Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 Anatess, that's what I'm REALLY CLOSE TO DOING! We are tight - like - an iron fist!Bini, I wouldn't suggest to do that (taking care of the kids yes sure, confronting your friend's husband and co-worker definitely a no-no). In this kind of situations, you need to keep a cool head. That's a marital and personal issue that only those involved should discuss. As a friend, your job is to listen, support and love which I am sure you are already doing. :) She will need you more than ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 Togetherness Project - HOME Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 She needs to get on his checking, &/or savings account. Then she needs to open an account in a different bank using money from his account.If it was me, I would write a check for cash at his bank with the new joint check, and if there is a savings account, withdraw all but $50.00 or $100.00. I would do this the day after his payday and only leave $50.00 or $100.00 in the account. When he finds out about the withdrawals, there won't be anything he can do - as long as she gets cash. Then I would take the cash and go to the different bank and open my own checking account. Rather than use their joint mailing address, open up a PO Box at the nearest Post Office. Then he can't intercede and get her mail. She can use the PO Box on her new checks. Get an account that includes a debit card. If he does all of the finances - does he do them at home? If so, she needs to gather up all of the bank statements (if there is any) or check his computer. Bini, you can help her with this. She needs to have printed proof of his banking. She needs to change the lock(s) on all of the door(s) and kick him out. Then she needs to get a job. She also needs to get active in church again. In this day and age, there is no reason for a wife to not be on the checking account and share in the knowledge of their finances. Every woman that I know of who is under the age of 65, who is NOT on the checking account and does NOT know what their finances are and what the utilities monthly average are - are dominated and controlled by their husband. Actually manipulated is the correct term. Just recently a good friend of mine was put into a rather dire situation. Her husband *took care* of all the bills and finances. He paid at the grocery store when they went shopping. She never wrote a check, or used a debit or credit card. He *handled* everything. He passed away. She had to hire a lawyer to get into the checking account and the safety deposit box. Her adult children had to pay her bills, buy her food, pay for their Dad's funeral. He had a life insurance policy and the beneficiary was their son. Not her. Fortunately, the son gave her all of the money. Her 20 something grandchildren taught her how to write checks and use the debit card. Her daughter-in-law taught her how to read and pay the utility bills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sali Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 By being a friend, listening and supporting her in this, she will have the room to work out what she wants and come to a conclusion herself, which is much better than having someone do that for her. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted March 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 Thanks for the food for thought. As much as I want to give her my uncensored opinion, I won't, unless she asks for it. I just barely finished talking with her and listened. She did tell me that now that she knows about the affair, he doesn't bother to be subtle about the affair. The texting is worse, he actually isn't coming straight home after work now. So hard to watch this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 Thanks for the food for thought. As much as I want to give her my uncensored opinion, I won't, unless she asks for it. I just barely finished talking with her and listened. She did tell me that now that she knows about the affair, he doesn't bother to be subtle about the affair. The texting is worse, he actually isn't coming straight home after work now. So hard to watch this.She needs to get control of the finances. Immediately. There are steps she needs to take to protect herself and her children. It's awesome that she has you to support her. She needs a lot of that. Professional counselling for her can keep her from making poor choices in this dire emotional time and keep her from sinking... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted April 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 I updated the thread... Hopefully someone can throw me a bone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notquiteperfect Posted April 16, 2014 Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 Her parents and family are her first resource and should be the ones to step in (money, housing, etc). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Posted April 16, 2014 Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 I updated the thread... Hopefully someone can throw me a bone.Bini, what has she done to date? Has she got her name on his checking? Do her parents know what is going on? Does his parents know? Has she talked with their Bishop? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted April 17, 2014 Report Share Posted April 17, 2014 Bini, you're in the Salt Lake area, right? Get her to Utah Legal Services (http://www.utahlegalservices.org/), ASAP. She needs to talk to an attorney before she does anything drastic. Although it's natural to want to throw the bum out--or take the kids and just leave--as a matter of Utah law, locking one's spouse out of the marital home or removing the children therefrom without a court order are both terrible ideas. (But definitely have her start looking at the possibility of utilizing a women's shelter in the early stages of the divorce until she can get back on her feet. The Road Home would be a good starting point--if they can't help her, they probably know someone who can.) PM me if you want to discuss further. MarginOfError and Str8Shooter 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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