New to this part of parenting- a big question


Irishcolleen
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My daughter is away at college several states away.  A year and a half ago she started dating a young man who is also a student and the same age as she is.  He will be staying with us before he heads out to his internship which is just the next state over.  Our daughter will then go to her internship back near her school.  When their internships are over in August they are going to fly out to visit his parents, who live clear across the country, before they go back to school.  His family bought the tickets. Because they are getting the parents involved does this mean they are getting serious?

 

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My daughter is away at college several states away.  A year and a half ago she started dating a young man who is also a student and the same age as she is.  He will be staying with us before he heads out to his internship which is just the next state over.  Our daughter will then go to her internship back near her school.  When their internships are over in August they are going to fly out to visit his parents, who live clear across the country, before they go back to school.  His family bought the tickets. Because they are getting the parents involved does this mean they are getting serious?

I would ask ...a few yrs ago while our son and his wife were dating.....I asked him if he planned on marrying her. I didn't ask to push him....I asked because I wanted to know.

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I asked.  She said, and I directly quote, "Well, we've always taken dating seriously...never taken it lightly." Whatever that means...

 

Well as the resident human roughly that age, a lot of people see dating as, well something very lightly. It's like almost a game to a lot of people-I've sort of (nothing I ever do is normal) dated girls like that, marriage is something people in their 30s do, it wouldn't enter in their mindset (and it wouldn't enter mine either)

sounds like she has a better head on her shoulders then me.

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Back when I was dating, some of my dates took me home to meet the family on the first date.  It didn't mean anything.  But, I only took two different guys home to meet my family.  The first one, the relationship didn't last.  The second one, I married him.  For me, when I brought someone home, it was serious.

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I asked.  She said, and I directly quote, "Well, we've always taken dating seriously...never taken it lightly." Whatever that means...

 

I like your daughter.  I interpret this as - there's no such thing as non-serious dating.  I like that a lot.

 

Of course, just because it's serious doesn't mean they're going to get married.  I mean, I bought a wedding dress and paid for the caterers and all and still ended up not getting married...

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Congrats!

Yep. Very seriously. (Unless you or he are independently wealthy, then the rules change a bit).

If she was going to school 5min to 5hours away (aka can come home and do laundry close), then nope. Bringing a beaux home would have about as much meaning as the laundry.

FLYING home with said Beaux, and then doubling up by flying out to his parents home...

That's very serious.

Still breakable.

But it's an engagement or a breakup in the near future.

Q

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I would take it as serious. Most people don't spend money for airfare on people who aren't related to them unless there's some big reason behind it.

 

Still, don't buy the dress just yet.

 

My son is an adult and dating and has been to the girlfriend's parents' houses a few times. In my mind, getting an invite to a BBQ is one thing, getting friended on FB, many invitations for both holiday and regular dinners, offering to pay for a trip overseas, etc., indicates something serious. I'm pretty sure the girlfriend thinks it's serious; I wonder about my son sometimes. :lol:

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Back when I was dating, some of my dates took me home to meet the family on the first date.  It didn't mean anything.  But, I only took two different guys home to meet my family.  The first one, the relationship didn't last.  The second one, I married him.  For me, when I brought someone home, it was serious.

 

But did you ever fly across the country on your date's parents' dime in order to meet his family?  It's a little different.

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Back in my dating days - I thought to meet the family as soon as posible.  It was part of my deciding about dating seriously.  But and this is a very big "but" - I was raised to pay my own way.  Though my father was very wealthy he would never consider paying for any such thing.  I know what he would have said had I asked: "If it is not important enough for you to figure it out - it is not going to be more important for me to figure it out for you.  If you cannot figure out how to pay for it then it really is not that important."

 

He told me the same thing when I talked to him about doing anything I wanted to do - including going to college.  Whenever I asked him for money - he gave me an extra job to do.  Even at meal time - he would say that we eat whatever is served weather we like it or not - if we want something else we pay for it.

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I think his parents paid for the air fare because they know the kids are both dirt poor college students.  Neither one of them would be there without scholarships. I don't know if the parents are well off.  I know the dad has a construction company the boy has worked with through high school. I don't think they are rolling in money because the mom had to go back to work before the kids were grown.  I have a feeling the tickets were a big sacrifice.

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Honestly it really just depends on the people. My whole life I've only brought one guy home to meet the family (he is also the only one my family has ever even heard me talk about!). I also drove 8hours to meet his mum and moved two states to be by him. However! Marriage is not really anywhere near the picture for us. So yes big sacrifices can be made on both ends but it doesn't mean serious or marriage.

I'd personally ask your daughter to elaborate more on her statement.

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But did you ever fly across the country on your date's parents' dime in order to meet his family?  It's a little different.

 

Whether money was paid for airfare, gas money to drive 12 hours, or the parents live just a few minutes away, for some, like me, when bringing home a date, it was serious.  I would think that paying for airfare for your child's date would probably mean it's serious.  I don't see how that's different.

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My .02, because I can...

 

I'd suggest to consider it quazi-serious because by the sounds of it, they're not sure at what level of seriousness they're at.  They're most likely still deciding where to go with their relationship so don't over-react, push or prod.  Take it easy and trust that they'll figure it out.

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Back in my dating days - I thought to meet the family as soon as posible. It was part of my deciding about dating seriously. But and this is a very big "but" - I was raised to pay my own way. Though my father was very wealthy he would never consider paying for any such thing. I know what he would have said had I asked: "If it is not important enough for you to figure it out - it is not going to be more important for me to figure it out for you. If you cannot figure out how to pay for it then it really is not that important."

He told me the same thing when I talked to him about doing anything I wanted to do - including going to college. Whenever I asked him for money - he gave me an extra job to do. Even at meal time - he would say that we eat whatever is served weather we like it or not - if we want something else we pay for it.

Haha! <grin> I just love being vindicated.

There's a cultural quirk amongst the wealthy/upper class in the west that the family needs (needs, must) be met early on in any relationship. And it's true even amongst "live on your own wages" families that have zillions & trusts & the whole shebang, but hteir kids are either expected to earn their own way, or they stubborn it out and insist on it themselves.

The cultural norm probably comes directly from having the means to travel, regardless of the distance (I have friends that pop over to Montmartre for baked goods on their plane, so if a decent bakery is worth the flight, you know vetting current connections, and possible future inlaws is)... So the expectation is there, regardless.

________

I'm feeling guilty, though, because I said 'true unless you or they are wealthy, then the rules change'... But there ARE a few other subcultures that allow children to date independently, and children meet the parents before parents meet the parents (lots of sub groups in either of those two opposites)... aside from new money / American wealthy...But in my defense, they're really rare in the US.

Q

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My .02, because I can...

 

I'd suggest to consider it quazi-serious because by the sounds of it, they're not sure at what level of seriousness they're at.  They're most likely still deciding where to go with their relationship so don't over-react, push or prod.  Take it easy and trust that they'll figure it out.

This is probably the best advice.  Thank you so much!  I needed to be reminded that she will find her own way and her own husband.  I will do my best to play it cool. 

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