Ending a relationship over a washer and dryer


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I'd agree that friendship shouldn't have a price . . . directly.

 

But the higher the price tag of an item that a "friend" absconds with; the more grave my concerns about that "friend's" personal integrity become.  It's one thing to get a DVD mixed in with my collection of 100+ other DVDs and just plain forget that it was borrowed--or even to lose the DVD entirely.  It's quite another when it's a major appliance that I know darned well isn't mine.

 

Fundamentally, though, I like your rule of not lending stuff to friends.  :)

 

And, Dahlia--"Go all Mormon on this" might have just become my new favorite phrase.

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And, Dahlia--"Go all Mormon on this" might have just become my new favorite phrase.

 

Though I'm not sure it's entirely accurate. :)  I agree with Dahlia's post...and I'm not sure how many Mormon's would just lay down and let people steal from them. Generally speaking, we're gun-toting conservatives that believe in truth, justice, and the American way. Er...at least we used to be. In Utah that's still fairly predominant I think, at least. :D

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I'd agree that friendship shouldn't have a price . . . directly.

 

But the higher the price tag of an item that a "friend" absconds with; the more grave my concerns about that "friend's" personal integrity become.  It's one thing to get a DVD mixed in with my collection of 100+ other DVDs and just plain forget that it was borrowed--or even to lose the DVD entirely.  It's quite another when it's a major appliance that I know darned well isn't mine.

 

Fundamentally, though, I like your rule of not lending stuff to friends.  :)

 

And, Dahlia--"Go all Mormon on this" might have just become my new favorite phrase.

 

I think the difference between you and me (and I think it's all of you because it seems I'm the only one who thinks this way here) is in the "personal integrity" section of this discussion...

 

I read it all the time in Facebook memes... something around the "only be friends with people who benefit you" themes... I don't like that.

 

I don't really require personal integrity for you to be my friend.  Okay, first of all, my definition of friends is - "people I care about".  So, you're still my friend and I'll call/talk/whatever even if you're a drug addict or something...  I just know not to loan you my DVDs because I know you're going to sell the thing to get drug money... and I know not to accept your invitations to some sleazy smoke-filled haven of druggies... and if you can't behave accordingly in public, I can't invite you to my parties... But if we're not friends anymore, then I lose all opportunities and chances to hopefully impact your life to get you just tad bit much better.  But yeah, it also cuts off any chance of you impacting my life to be darker... But, I believe I can protect myself from you without having to isolate myself from you completely... of course, if you're a serial killer, I will have to isolate myself from you completely, so I can still be your friend in such that I'll offer my prayers for you to straighten out your life and that's probably the extent of what I can do for our friendship.  Also, I risk a bit more when it comes to friendships because I have a husband and friends that are there to save me from myself.

 

Does that make sense?

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Sure, Anatess; I see where you're going.  And yeah, it's partly a definitional thing.  I don't expect complete, unerring moral perfection in a "friend", but I do expect some level of trustworthiness.  And I can get pretty sloppy in my conversation and refer to a casual, positive acquaintance as a "friend" even though, really, I don't trust the individual (somehow, I don't think my using the term more carefully would win me more friends anyways).

 

But for the purposes of this thread, it does seem--to me, at least--that a certain line has been crossed; and the crossing of that line was mixed with a significant measure of unrepentance--even defiance--on the part of the offender.  Personally, I don't see how you move past that in a relationship--whether it be a casual, positive acquaintance or an actual "friendship".  I might put up with that in family, because--well--it's family; and one learns to put up barriers as you say. 

 

But my experience is that maintaining barriers can be exhausting.  If biology, covenant, employment, or other circumstances don't necessitate continued contact, I prefer to spare myself the aggravation and just back away from the relationship.

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But my experience is that maintaining barriers can be exhausting.  If biology, covenant, employment, or other circumstances don't necessitate continued contact, I prefer to spare myself the aggravation and just back away from the relationship.

 

I see what you're saying... I think there's a cultural difference to this too...

 

In the Philippines, being able to call somebody a "friend" is important.  For example, I have a classmate in elementary school who I haven't seen since I moved to the US, who has a cousin that I've never met become a patient of my brother.  He couldn't afford the doctor, so my classmate sent me a facebook message asking me if there's a way I can talk to my brother about some form of payment plan or discount... So, I called my brother... my brother told me he already treated him and he got discharged on "family price" (which means - he only pays for the meds beyond the samples, he got the family rate on the hospital, and the doctor is free).  So, I asked him... oh, I didn't know you knew the guy... and he said, he didn't - he mentioned my classmate's name and he remembered her from when she used to come to our house when we were children....

 

My brother didn't bother to ask me if she is still nice to me or if she stole my washer/dryer... or if I even knew the cousin.  See, it doesn't matter.  She's a friend.  If I would tell my brother she's not my friend anymore... he's not going to treat him because he can't afford to pay... it carries a big consequence that I don't want to happen.

 

Does that make sense?

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The funny thing is, I'm already feeling much nicer towards these people. Perhaps that's because the issue was resolved or it might just be my personality.

 

anatess, I love your perspective on this.  You are wonderfully Christ-like.

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I don't really require personal integrity for you to be my friend.

 

I do. And when I find out you don't have any,  you're gone. I don't want you around.  I think I understand about being an example to such people, but the possiblity of them doing me and mine some substantial harm until they get 'saved' while they're doing 5-10 in prison, is not a chance I want to take.

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Husband and I are planning on moving soon (renting).  Two years ago, we left our washer and dryer in our condo when a friend who was moving in next asked if he could use them since our new place provided a washer and dryer.  We said "okay".

 

Well, today I decided to look into getting those back.  This friend's mother, with whom I've always been very close, is now in possession of them and is refusing to return them.  She has a whole list of reasons why she and her son get to keep them.

 

Yeah, they are in possession of them and it was a dumb  move on our parts to let someone else have these appliances and what's done is done and all that, but...

 

I don't think I'll ever speak to anyone in that family again.  I know I'll forgive them, certainly--I really do intend to just let this go.  But this action, this breaking of trust, is costing them their relationship with me and my family.

 

Now, I feel silly over what this is over.  It is just a washer and dryer and not an expensive set at that.  So much worse has happened between people.

 

Am I being petty by saying "Okay, keep the washer and dryer, but we're done?"  What would you do?

 

Husband and I are planning on moving soon (renting).  Two years ago, we left our washer and dryer in our condo when a friend who was moving in next asked if he could use them since our new place provided a washer and dryer.  We said "okay".

 

Well, today I decided to look into getting those back.  This friend's mother, with whom I've always been very close, is now in possession of them and is refusing to return them.  She has a whole list of reasons why she and her son get to keep them.

 

Yeah, they are in possession of them and it was a dumb  move on our parts to let someone else have these appliances and what's done is done and all that, but...

 

I don't think I'll ever speak to anyone in that family again.  I know I'll forgive them, certainly--I really do intend to just let this go.  But this action, this breaking of trust, is costing them their relationship with me and my family.

 

Now, I feel silly over what this is over.  It is just a washer and dryer and not an expensive set at that.  So much worse has happened between people.

 

Am I being petty by saying "Okay, keep the washer and dryer, but we're done?"  What would you do?

I certainly wouldnt' be lending them anything else soon for sure... dunno i'f i'd go so far to stick em on a hate list tho, or a don't visit again list.

Also it seems from the info here that its someone else and not the friend that's causing the grief.

personally i think the route of mercy is a higher road than the route of justice. you may want some time to cool off but ultimately its probably best if you forget about the washer and dryer.

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