Marriage that recovered from abuse…are there any out there?


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I'm looking for anyone who has stayed in and changed an abusive marriage relationship.  There are many levels of change, and as for myself, I know that for many this will be a lifetime recovery process.

 

If and when I receive any posts, I would like to share some feelings and ask some questions…I would like to see if my story reflects any other and if I can glean help from those who understand from first hand experience.

 

:) 

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I know a lot that have when the abuse was secondary. A byproduct of

- PTSD

- Bipolar Disorder

- Substance abuse

- etc.

When the primary issue was treated, and treated well, then the abuse was also able to be treated.

HOWEVER (big, fat, however... I don't have bold/italic/etc or I'd bold this sucker)

Even when the abuse is secondary (and not that persons felt god given right to treat other people that way), the person has to

- want to change

- work incrediably hard

- not be "changing" as part of the 'cycle of abuse' (the "I'm sorry / honeymoon" phase).

I am not a 'success' story.

Not only did my ex-husband try to kill me 3 times (and the last time was nearly a different kind of success), but my 11 yo tried to take his own life after the courts ranted partial custody and he'd been abusing our son for a year. Serious attempt, discovered by a fluke/ act of god. (And the courts STILL have him allowed half custody). Outer darkness , even Catholic hell & fire and brimstone, beig preferable in my son's mind to another day with my ex.

I know a lot of people in PTSD land who are in several month to a couple years long separations, while the person wih PTSD learns to control their temper/ outbursts/ grades back their reactions to normal events. I know a lot of people working to get stabilized on meds. I know a lot of people in substance abuse programs taking similar time & space. Because they love their families and want them safe. And many many more such people who are together now, having already weathered the most difficult parts.

This is not the case in most abusive marriages.

In most, "success" is getting out alive, and getting your kids out alive, and praying to HF you're not raising another generation of abusers and battered spouses (what we're raised with, we seek out as adults). Because the only constant is that things are going to get worse.

My prayers are with you.

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I attended 4, 13 week group therapy sessions for abused spouses. The counsellors had a lot of experience and we had a variety of counsellors. They told us not to expect that abusive spouses would change. However one counsellor did tell me that the abuser might change their behaviour in another relationship. The church does not expect spouses to stay in abusive relationships.

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Quin: I am so sorry to hear you were in such a bad relationship that your son was affected to that point...and anatess; I am so very impressed that you admit it - incredibly impressed.  It is the sign everyone in an abusive relationship looks for in their abuser and hope they really mean...because there is hope always in all our partners.  But, I'm convinced that agency is a power we take for granted in ourselves and others.  We forget that we - and those who choose to manipulate and abuse us - are given choices everyday and though we can choose how we respond and whether we allow the abuse, we cannot take the will away from the abuser - they are responsible for their actions and we cannot take that away.  It is everyone on earth's God given right, the agency won - by us all - in our premortal life.

 

I too have felt helpless with my children observing such disrespectful behavior, worried and fretted about their future in their own marriage relationships and felt so much responsibility to them for what I couldn't understand - let alone control - I almost drowned in that guilt alone.

 

I will write more later...thanks for all your replies!  This is very therapeutic.

 

 

 

 

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Quin: I am so sorry to hear you were in such a bad relationship that your son was affected to that point...and anatess; I am so very impressed that you admit it - incredibly impressed.  It is the sign everyone in an abusive relationship looks for in their abuser and hope they really mean...because there is hope always in all our partners.  But, I'm convinced that agency is a power we take for granted in ourselves and others.  We forget that we - and those who choose to manipulate and abuse us - are given choices everyday and though we can choose how we respond and whether we allow the abuse, we cannot take the will away from the abuser - they are responsible for their actions and we cannot take that away.  It is everyone on earth's God given right, the agency won - by us all - in our premortal life.

 

I too have felt helpless with my children observing such disrespectful behavior, worried and fretted about their future in their own marriage relationships and felt so much responsibility to them for what I couldn't understand - let alone control - I almost drowned in that guilt alone.

 

I will write more later...thanks for all your replies!  This is very therapeutic.

 

I realized I have a psychological challenge when I was in my teens.  I was very young when I threw a knife at my sister and my parents always just thought that I was just a bad child in need of strict discipline.  I went through self-discovery on my own as I grew up in a country that doesn't have much information on psychological/psychiatric treatment besides admission to a mental institution and I knew there was something really wrong with me.  By the time I met my husband, I have built a method to control my issues - medicine free.  My husband and I were good friends for years before we dated and he has seen me in my crazy moments.  He decided to take it on anyway.

 

So now, he helps me deal with it.  The kids were born a few years into the marriage.  They get to help me deal with it as well.  They're my support system.  We discussed medication and we all decided we're not going to risk it.  At least right now, we know what we're dealing with and have some coping mechanisms we've built over the years.  Medication would introduce different reactions that are unknown and we might not know how nor want to deal with that.

 

Interestingly, my youngest kid has the same issue.  We're helping him with coping mechanisms.  He's only 10 years old but so far, he has been very good at getting himself under control before it gets the better of him...

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Not only did my ex-husband try to kill me 3 times (and the last time was nearly a different kind of success), but my 11 yo tried to take his own life after the courts ranted partial custody and he'd been abusing our son for a year. Serious attempt, discovered by a fluke/ act of god. (And the courts STILL have him allowed half custody). Outer darkness , even Catholic hell & fire and brimstone, beig preferable in my son's mind to another day with my ex.

 

I am very concerned after reading this Quinn. Is your son living with your ex-husband at the present time?

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