25, Haven't Started Dating Because of Health Issues.

[Jameswhittaker]

I'm a 25 year old guy, and I've always been a faithful member of the church. The problem is that I've been cursed with ill health all my life up until about a year ago. My life has been one hospital to another ever since I was 15.

There is no physical problem with how I look or anything, and apparently people tell me I'm quite handsome. Despite the health issues, I'm surprisingly well toned, tall, etc. Also in spite of the health issues, I was able to do well in homeschooling and I am currently pursuing a degree in pre-medicine with a goal of medical school. I'm up at the University of Utah trying to make up for lost time. But because of the major health crises in my life, I have never had the chance to date or do much of... Well... Anything. I don't know how to date, ask someone out, how to act on a date, etc. I'm also moderately shy and nervous because I've never been around people for most of my life. I'm pretty good with talking to doctors though, (hah).

Well, anyways... By now, most of the people I know are already getting married. I'm panicking because of how much the church emphasizes the need to get married. I feel like a racehorse that wasn't let out of the gates until the last lap. I feel like I'm hopelessly behind.

I will also probably leave for a mission, so when I get back I'll be 27.

It hurts. I've had many sleepless nights. I worry that my chances of finding a good match are being ruined. I worry that nobody will be left. People tell me that it's an unspoken mark of shame to be pushed out of the YSA ward when you turn 30 if you're still single. I have been to the Temple countless times, asking for help or consolation.

I'm not sure what to do. I would appreciate advice.

[Guest]

This is not a race.  I got married when I was going on 27.  I didn't date.  By choice.  I thought it was a bad way to find a husband.  I hate having to sit down with someone who is pretending to be the nicest guy on the planet only to realize he's a jerk after investing the time to get to know him better.  My husband was one of my good friends.  We went through heaven and hell helping out some Bosnian refugees.  I got to know him very well without dating.  When he finally asked me out on a date, it was to take me to his Church.  A week later he asked me for marriage.  We got married another week later...

 

It's better to be single than be miserably married.  Go build some precious friendships... what did they say, "make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold".  That eternal companion will be one of them.

[omegaseamaster75]

There is only one way to start and that is by asking someone out.

 

DO NOT be in a hurry to get married, date go on a mission...FINISH SCHOOL...then get married

[The Folk Prophet]

FINISH SCHOOL...then get married

 

This counsel is not in line with the counsel of the church.

[omegaseamaster75]

In my opinion, and this in only my opinion you are better served finishing school, getting a job and then getting married. I am sure I will be quoted some talk given by GA that says you should get married, have kids, go into debt, and have a poor relationship with your wife due to the outside pulls of married life and stress from school. This is not a path you have to choose. 

[The Folk Prophet]

In my opinion, and this in only my opinion you are better served finishing school, getting a job and then getting married. I am sure I will be quoted some talk given by GA that says you should get married, have kids, go into debt, and have a poor relationship with your wife due to the outside pulls of married life and stress from school. This is not a path you have to choose. 

 

Yeah...good luck finding a talk that counsels you to go into debt and have a poor relationships with your wife. 

[omegaseamaster75]

They may as well say it

 

do mission(this is something you should do) + get married before you graduate and have a real job + have more kids than you can afford= Debt & poor relationship with your wife

 

or

 

do mission + graduate + get real job= Wife of your choosing, and easier start to life

[The Folk Prophet]

So, it comes down to this. Follow the counsel of omegaseamaster75 or follow the counsel of the prophet. Hmm... What a difficult choice.

[Guest]

My armchair diagnosis based on previous posts is that omega is either in a bad marriage or none at all. I would take the GA's counsel.

 

But in the OP's case, if a mission right now is your plan, make that your focus. You can worry about marriage when you get home.

[estradling75]

There is nothing wrong with having a plan...  There is nothing wrong with working toward that plan.  The problem is when the plan excludes or doesn't leave room for the Lord and the things he wants for us.

 

Do a mission.  Then when you start your education/career path also date and be open to the idea of marriage.  It may or may not happen while you are getting started.  But it can't happen if you closed it down until you think you are 'ready'

[Leah]

In my opinion, and this in only my opinion you are better served finishing school, getting a job and then getting married. I am sure I will be quoted some talk given by GA that says you should get married, have kids, go into debt, and have a poor relationship with your wife due to the outside pulls of married life and stress from school. This is not a path you have to choose.

Really? You've heard talks that counsel you to do all of the above...including "have a poor relationship"? Which talk was that?

Life come with stress. No one is going to be magically stress-free if they wait until after college to marry.

[Windseeker]

My thoughts and advice. 

 

I think if single people are making an honest attempt to date and meet/mingle with people of the opposite sex they are doing all that they need to do. Desperation will lead to recklessness and you could find yourself in a living hell. 

 

You go forward with your plans to go on a mission and finish medical school. You are only making yourself more and more desirable. Age means absolutely nothing. You are also not alone here. If you stay tuned to the spirit he will magnify your efforts and you will have the opportunity to be married. 

 

I know many couples that met later in life and each year meet a new couple that met and married in medical school and go to the same hospital for residency. Out of my wife's Internal Medicine Program (3 years and 5-7 residents) last graduation I attended 3 of the 7 residents gave birth during the program.

 

You don't have to get married while an undergrad. Take a deep breath and trust the Lord.  

[Leah]

They may as well say it

 

do mission(this is something you should do) + get married before you graduate and have a real job + have more kids than you can afford= Debt & poor relationship with your wife

 

or

 

do mission + graduate + get real job= Wife of your choosing, and easier start to life

Oh, please.

You clearly think those are the only two possible paths. That's simply not true. It's a very narrow-minded viewpoint.

Most people will be in debt at certain points in their lives....school loans, mortgage, car loan. In your narrow-minded way of thinking, none of those situations would be compatible with a happy marriage. Funny that millions of people manage just that every single day.

The OP plans to go to med school. If he waits to marry before he pays off those debts, he won't be able to marry for a very long time. There is no worth in that.

And being out of school and/or out of debt is no guarantee of a stress-free life. There are plenty of other things that can make for an unhappy marriage.

[omegaseamaster75]

This is not going to go well for me I can already tell

 

I am not saying they are the only paths, of course there are other options.

 

We all incur debt during our lives but why make life more difficult if you can avoid it? 

 

As a medical student when the OP graduates he will be able to afford that debt (student loans), everyone's circumstance will be different.

 

There are may things that can lead to an unhappy marriage, if given the choice wouldn't you prefer to remove a few road blocks before getting married?

 

Also can someone please quote me were a GA says to get married while in school? or as soon as possible after your mission.

[kapikui]

I'm a 25 year old guy, and I've always been a faithful member of the church. The problem is that I've been cursed with ill health all my life up until about a year ago. My life has been one hospital to another ever since I was 15.

There is no physical problem with how I look or anything, and apparently people tell me I'm quite handsome. Despite the health issues, I'm surprisingly well toned, tall, etc. Also in spite of the health issues, I was able to do well in homeschooling and I am currently pursuing a degree in pre-medicine with a goal of medical school. I'm up at the University of Utah trying to make up for lost time. But because of the major health crises in my life, I have never had the chance to date or do much of... Well... Anything. I don't know how to date, ask someone out, how to act on a date, etc. I'm also moderately shy and nervous because I've never been around people for most of my life. I'm pretty good with talking to doctors though, (hah).

Well, anyways... By now, most of the people I know are already getting married. I'm panicking because of how much the church emphasizes the need to get married. I feel like a racehorse that wasn't let out of the gates until the last lap. I feel like I'm hopelessly behind.

I will also probably leave for a mission, so when I get back I'll be 27.

It hurts. I've had many sleepless nights. I worry that my chances of finding a good match are being ruined. I worry that nobody will be left. People tell me that it's an unspoken mark of shame to be pushed out of the YSA ward when you turn 30 if you're still single. I have been to the Temple countless times, asking for help or consolation.

I'm not sure what to do. I would appreciate advice.

 

Don't worry too much.  I was 35 before I got married, and didn't have health issues.  I just didn't like playing the dating game.  Hated it with an intense passion of a thousand burning suns actually, but that's a rant for a different occasion.

 

The church does culturally push marriage as soon as possible, but sometimes things just get in the way.  Any that think you should be shamed because you are 30 and unmarried are wrong.  That's all there is to that.

 

If you're planning on a mission, don't worry about marriage or dating at all.  Focus on the mission. Once you get back, you can work on meeting someone.  Often things work out in ways you can't imagine while you're going through a trial.  Go with it for now and see where things go.

[The Folk Prophet]

Also can someone please quote me were a GA says to get married while in school? or as soon as possible after your mission.

 

for example:

 

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=705

[omegaseamaster75]

for example:

 

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=705

Yeah, I stopped after I read the date...1973 that's relevant. Just kidding I read it

 

Good talk though, he gives relevant statistics for the era, I wonder how some of those numbers translate to our current day and age.

 

A relevant passage for the OP:

 

Do Not Postpone Marriage and Children

 

But, of course, marriage cannot wait for that. We shall marry, have our families, teach and train them, while we are learning these other things and building toward our creatorship. Marriage should come when we are reasonably young, to procreate and bear children, to have the patience to teach and train them and to grow up with them. Hence, marriage is a must, an early must. Of course, we would decry child marriages, but when young people are in their upper years of collegiate work surely it is time to plan this important life’s work. Missionaries should begin to think marriage—when they return from their missions, to begin to get acquainted with many young women so that they will have a better basis for selection of a life’s companion. And when the time comes they should marry in the holy temple and have their families, and complete their education, and establish themselves in a profitable and rewarding occupation, and give themselves to their families, the gospel, and the Church.

 

Yeah I don't see any time frames in this talk...sure don't delay, "reasonably young" very subjective more so for a male, he says begin planning in your UPPER collegiate work.

 

Bottom line the context in this talk does not apply to our modern era, when this talk was given you could work during the summer and pay for your years worth of schooling. May homes only had one income, the entry level degree was a bachlors, now anything less than a masters and things are more difficult. More education = more debt. Even with the reduced cost of the LDS schools many/most student take student loans. 

[Guest]

This is not going to go well for me I can already tell

 

I am not saying they are the only paths, of course there are other options.

 

We all incur debt during our lives but why make life more difficult if you can avoid it? 

 

As a medical student when the OP graduates he will be able to afford that debt (student loans), everyone's circumstance will be different.

 

There are may things that can lead to an unhappy marriage, if given the choice wouldn't you prefer to remove a few road blocks before getting married?

 

Also can someone please quote me were a GA says to get married while in school? or as soon as possible after your mission.

 

 

Marriage is not living a fairy tale.  Marriage is living life.  Life is full of road blocks.  Your marriage is supposed to be able to withstand ANY road block - 1 or 1 quadzillion of them.  Marriage is not only ideal if you can live on easy street.  What is more important than a marriage built on easy street is finding that special person who will pull up his sleeves, strap on his combat boots and go to clean up your life's gutter with you by his side.  That's the person to marry.  If your marriage's success is depending on you finishing school and having a job, you're in the wrong marriage... even if you did finish school and have a cushy job.  But, if your marriage's success is just as achievable while struggling through school and finding a job, then it will be a success if you did finish school and have a cushy job.

 

I am very happy to have chosen my amazing husband who built our wonderful marriage while working on his BS degree and working odd jobs as he went on a career change.  I worked full time and took over some bills while he finished school.  He got his diploma, got on a career path took over all the bills and I went to finish my Master's.  I got me a stay at home job, and he went on to complete his Master's.  All of this while having kids too.  My kids are all in on it - they have their own combat boots.  This is life.  We share it as a family.  We support each other through it.  When time and money is tight, us and the kids pull up our sleeves and our bootstraps and lean on each other to see us through it.  When time and money is abundant, we all relax and enjoy it together.  When the spirit in the home is not strong, we all pull up our sleeves and boostraps and lean on each other to strengthen the spirit.  When my husband ignores me for football, I pull up my sleeves and weather through it.  When I go psychotic and throw a plate at him, he pulls up his sleeves and weather through it.  Would it have been easier if we would have postponed marriage until after he had his career going?  Sure.  But why wait?  So he can struggle through it alone?  I didn't see the point in that.  I found it better to struggle through it together because we are stronger together.

 

That is our marriage and our family.  We don't abandon ship just because times are tough.  We cling to each other harder when times are tough.  So, of course, we don't postpone getting married just because times are tough.  Marriage and tough go hand in hand...

[notquiteperfect]

More education = more debt.

 

Not necessarily.  My husband got scholarships for his undergrad.  For his masters, a research grant covered not only tuition but living expenses and he got a great-paying internship during the summer.  If he wanted to get a phd, his place of employment would cover it. Oh, and he only went to a 'reduced cost LDS school' for his associates.  So basically, if you play your cards right, you won't go into as much debt as you're assuming.

[omegaseamaster75]

Not necessarily.  My husband got scholarships for his undergrad.  For his masters, a research grant covered not only tuition but living expenses and he got a great-paying internship during the summer.  If he wanted to get a phd, his place of employment would cover it. Oh, and he only went to a 'reduced cost LDS school' for his associates.  So basically, if you play your cards right, you won't go into as much debt as you're assuming.

There is an exception to every rule, this is one example of how things can be managed how many of his fellow graduate were up to their eyeballs?

 

There is an exception for every thing and everyone's experience is different. If we only look at the facts not the exceptions lets see where we land

[mrmarklin]

OP, I really don't think you need to hurry about anything.  Go on a mission.  It will give you a lot of needed perspective.

 

I'm a CPA.  I know what doctors make.  My experience is that you won't need to actively look for anyone to marry when you get your degree.  The girls will find you.

 

You maybe need a change of scene as to where you live.  I don't perceive the kind of social pressures here in NoCal that you seem to have put upon yourself.

[The Folk Prophet]

Yeah, I stopped after I read the date...1973 that's relevant. Just kidding I read it

 

Good talk though, he gives relevant statistics for the era, I wonder how some of those numbers translate to our current day and age.

 

A relevant passage for the OP:

 

Do Not Postpone Marriage and Children

 

But, of course, marriage cannot wait for that. We shall marry, have our families, teach and train them, while we are learning these other things and building toward our creatorship. Marriage should come when we are reasonably young, to procreate and bear children, to have the patience to teach and train them and to grow up with them. Hence, marriage is a must, an early must. Of course, we would decry child marriages, but when young people are in their upper years of collegiate work surely it is time to plan this important life’s work. Missionaries should begin to think marriage—when they return from their missions, to begin to get acquainted with many young women so that they will have a better basis for selection of a life’s companion. And when the time comes they should marry in the holy temple and have their families, and complete their education, and establish themselves in a profitable and rewarding occupation, and give themselves to their families, the gospel, and the Church.

 

Yeah I don't see any time frames in this talk...sure don't delay, "reasonably young" very subjective more so for a male, he says begin planning in your UPPER collegiate work.

 

Bottom line the context in this talk does not apply to our modern era, when this talk was given you could work during the summer and pay for your years worth of schooling. May homes only had one income, the entry level degree was a bachlors, now anything less than a masters and things are more difficult. More education = more debt. Even with the reduced cost of the LDS schools many/most student take student loans. 

 

Here's Pres. Monson from 2011

 

Now, I have thought a lot lately about you young men who are of an age to marry but who have not yet felt to do so. I see lovely young ladies who desire to be married and to raise families, and yet their opportunities are limited because so many young men are postponing marriage.

This is not a new situation. Much has been said concerning this matter by past Presidents of the Church. I share with you just one or two examples of their counsel.

Said President Harold B. Lee, “We are not doing our duty as holders of the priesthood when we go beyond the marriageable age and withhold ourselves from an honorable marriage to these lovely women.”⁶

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this: “My heart reaches out to … our single sisters, who long for marriage and cannot seem to find it. … I have far less sympathy for the young men, who under the customs of our society, have the prerogative to take the initiative in these matters but in so many cases fail to do so.”⁷

I realize there are many reasons why you may be hesitating to take that step of getting married. If you are concerned about providing financially for a wife and family, may I assure you that there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save. It is generally during these challenging times that you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions. Perhaps you are afraid of making the wrong choice. To this I say that you need to exercise faith. Find someone with whom you can be compatible. Realize that you will not be able to anticipate every challenge which may arise, but be assured that almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work.

Perhaps you are having a little too much fun being single, taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys, and just generally enjoying the carefree life with your friends. I’ve encountered groups of you running around together, and I admit that I’ve wondered why you aren’t out with the young ladies.

Brethren, there is a point at which it’s time to think seriously about marriage and to seek a companion with whom you want to spend eternity. If you choose wisely and if you are committed to the success of your marriage, there is nothing in this life which will bring you greater happiness.

When you marry, brethren, you will wish to marry in the house of the Lord. For you who hold the priesthood, there should be no other option. Be careful lest you destroy your eligibility to be so married. You can keep your courtship within proper bounds while still having a wonderful time.

[The Folk Prophet]

Also can someone please quote me were a GA says to get married while in school? or as soon as possible after your mission.

 

Incidentally, do your own research. Sheesh. No wonder you seem to consistently contradict the gospel. it's not like it's hard. You go to lds.org and type in "marriage" in the search box and WHAMMO!  All the info you could want on it. Talks, quotes, scriptures, lessons. Imagine what you could know on your own if you put some effort into it.

[Suzie]

This counsel is not in line with the counsel of the church.

 

Even though I understand that this counsel is not in line with the counsel of the Church as you pointed out, I am wondering what is wrong with omega sharing his/her personal advise? Maybe I misunderstood but I thought the OP just asked for advise rather than asking what is the Church stance on the issue?

[Suzie]

I'm a 25 year old guy, and I've always been a faithful member of the church. The problem is that I've been cursed with ill health all my life up until about a year ago. My life has been one hospital to another ever since I was 15.

There is no physical problem with how I look or anything, and apparently people tell me I'm quite handsome. Despite the health issues, I'm surprisingly well toned, tall, etc. Also in spite of the health issues, I was able to do well in homeschooling and I am currently pursuing a degree in pre-medicine with a goal of medical school. I'm up at the University of Utah trying to make up for lost time. But because of the major health crises in my life, I have never had the chance to date or do much of... Well... Anything. I don't know how to date, ask someone out, how to act on a date, etc. I'm also moderately shy and nervous because I've never been around people for most of my life. I'm pretty good with talking to doctors though, (hah).

Well, anyways... By now, most of the people I know are already getting married. I'm panicking because of how much the church emphasizes the need to get married. I feel like a racehorse that wasn't let out of the gates until the last lap. I feel like I'm hopelessly behind.

I will also probably leave for a mission, so when I get back I'll be 27.

It hurts. I've had many sleepless nights. I worry that my chances of finding a good match are being ruined. I worry that nobody will be left. People tell me that it's an unspoken mark of shame to be pushed out of the YSA ward when you turn 30 if you're still single. I have been to the Temple countless times, asking for help or consolation.

I'm not sure what to do. I would appreciate advice.

 

If I was you, I wouldn't be in a rush to get married just because everyone else is doing it or what is worse, if you feel pressured to find someone and tie the knot. Since you didn't have the opportunity to socialize much due to your health issues, I think it would be very important to get to know people and make some friends. Just be yourself and try to have a good time.