How do you deal with negative people in your workplace?


Suzie
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There is this lady at work. I would call her "Anne". When I first met her a few years ago, she was a very positive and vibrant person and I enjoyed talking with her, etc but as the years passed, she became someone who I would describe as "negative" about the job, criticizing everything and everyone and gossiping a lot and just being plain miserable. I get it, it is not an easy environment, it is quite stressful but talking in such a negative way all the time, does not help either.

 

So I started backing off a bit after trying several times to talk with her, help her deal with it but she would continue and become very sensitive about the issue. Some time ago, she came to talk with me and asked me if I was angry with her and I said no and then she said she noticed I am not the same with her. I kindly explained and told her that it makes me uncomfortable when she talks about other people like that and that I don't like it (as I told her many times in the past). She started crying and I felt really bad because I did not want to hurt her feelings. But the next day, everything was back to normal (being negative, gossiping, etc)

 

The whole situation is making me irritated.

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I've traditionally been the one that gets along with most people in the workplace.  Sometimes that meant I would be the one people would vent to.  Sometimes it was fun to get out bad feelings and clear the air with the negative Nancies, but more often I would just be neutral and let them vent.  You might be the one she thinks she can gripe to.  In my case, if it got too much, I just avoided chatty situations with them. 

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I am guessing that something is weighing in on her, making her feel very small/frustrated/depressed with life (that something may just be the job).  If she doesn't want to talk about it and relieve that negative energy, then there's nothing you can do to make her less of a grouchy person (she has to open up first).   If that's the case I would just avoid her (if possible at all) and develop very thick skin.  Some co-workers I've had I needed to learn to just completely ignore.  I know it sounds mean... but if she's not willing to try to be a more cheerful person, you can't do anything.  

 

Note: I make this assumptions based on the guess that you guys are co-workers.  If you're her manager, you should correct her bad behavior.  If she's your boss... then grow REALLY thick skin.

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Has she had something happen in her life in the last while?  Was she on some kind of medication in the past that perhaps she's not taking now?

 

Just so many things to factor in as to why someone's demeanor and personality changed.

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No medication, we talk a lot about family life and she seems okay. What I figured out over the years is that her personality did not change but she "pretended" in the past, and even now when she is under a lot of stress, she would laugh or smile, etc and those around her would think she is being funny, but she isn't...she is feeling very angry inside.

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There are 2 relationships here that needs to be separated:

 

1.)  Friend

2.)  Workmate

 

If you're dealing with her as a friend, treat here like you would any other friend.  Being workmates is irrelevant.

 

If you're dealing with her as a workmate, there's nothing you can do about her negativity except be patient, kind, and compassionate and at the same time protecting your own capacity to perform work.  Interestingly, when you exercise the Christian principles of kindness, it is at the same time protecting your own capacity to perform work because kindness is a catharsis to stress.  But yes, exercising kindness without getting sucked into the gutter is a skill that needs learning... if you're not sure how to do that, limiting your exposure to the negativity would help.

 

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There are 2 relationships here that needs to be separated:

 

1.)  Friend

2.)  Workmate

 

If you're dealing with her as a friend, treat here like you would any other friend.  Being workmates is irrelevant.

 

If you're dealing with her as a workmate, there's nothing you can do about her negativity except be patient, kind, and compassionate and at the same time protecting your own capacity to perform work.  Interestingly, when you exercise the Christian principles of kindness, it is at the same time protecting your own capacity to perform work because kindness is a catharsis to stress.  But yes, exercising kindness without getting sucked into the gutter is a skill that needs learning... if you're not sure how to do that, limiting your exposure to the negativity would help.

 

We always need to be professional in the work place.  You are so wise to observe this.  When I am dealing with someone negative in the workplace; I simply excuse myself saying I have work that must be done.  This is very easy for me because I am a contract engineer and get paid only for what I do and accomplish – and nothing else.  If I have said anything I have not been as nice as you.  I have said things like, “If I were your boss I would fire you for wasting your and my time with matters that should be kept outside of the workplace.”

 

One time I said to a vice president – Sir, if I did my job as poorly are you do – I would expect to be fired.”  The funny thing is that at first he hated me for saying that but later he thanked me when he discovered his bonus got a lot bigger when everybody including him contributes.

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In my work place I always try to play well with others. I do believe in the "team" work concept. However those who complain all the time I do try to keep my distance. I am cordial with them.

 

Do you find that they sometimes start considering you their best friend since you put up with them better?

 

I try to be nice to everyone (not always online...gotta work on that), even the annoying ones, and consequently, surprise, surprise, they like me and come talk to me all the time. (Complain, complain, complain...)

 

Part of the price you pay for Christianity I suppose.

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Do you find that they sometimes start considering you their best friend since you put up with them better?

 

I try to be nice to everyone (not always online...gotta work on that), even the annoying ones, and consequently, surprise, surprise, they like me and come talk to me all the time. (Complain, complain, complain...)

 

Part of the price you pay for Christianity I suppose.

 

It is funny you mention that because that's exactly what is happening. My problem is that besides work, I live an extremely, extremely and extremely stressful life (due to my children's health issues) and I need a few laughs and some positivity to help me cope. Being surrounded by someone who insist in being negative every single day is too much for me.

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It is funny you mention that because that's exactly what is happening. My problem is that besides work, I live an extremely, extremely and extremely stressful life (due to my children's health issues) and I need a few laughs and some positivity to help me cope. Being surrounded by someone who insist in being negative every single day is too much for me.

 

So I went back and read your OP more carefully.

 

I expect you felt guilty that you made her cry. But it implies that she darned well knows she has problems, and by not calling her on it you are passively supporting her. I do not mean to say by that, in any degree, that you are responsible for her negativity, but along the same lines, you are also not responsible to support it.

 

Point being (IMO) draw the line in the sand. When she gets negative, shut her down! Period. Be kind, of course. But don't put up with it. It may do nothing to help her (though it may, alternately, help) but you are not responsible to support her un-Christlike behavior. Moreover, you are in the right.

 

I know you said you've already talked to her about it. So, really, what I'm saying, is don't give up -- and perhaps be more firm. The second she crossed the line. "I'm sorry. I'm not going to listen to you complaining. I would love to chat, but it has to be positive." She may storm off mad or cry. She may turn worse or better for it. That's up to her. But you are not her therapist.

 

Alternatively, as you do this, you might consider seeking her out sometimes to initiate conversations that are positive so she knows you love her and can still be your friend if appropriate in her talk.

 

Above all, follow the Spirit. If you feel it directly you exactly opposite of what I'm saying, then don't listen to me at all. Maybe what she needs is just someone to put up with her for a while and it will be her saving grace.

 

Pray for her, literally (I know was say that all the time, but how often do we really, specifically, pray for someone by name this isn't a close friend or family) and that you'll be guided to do as the Lord would have you, and then...go and do. You know, that's much better advice than my first part. ;)

 

Incidentally...referencing D&C 121:43-44 for my thoughts here:

 

"Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

 

That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death."

 

Incidentally, just in case you've never heard this before: Reprove means to correct. Betimes means quickly. Sharpness means clarity. So in laymen's it reads, "Correct quickly with clarity, when moved upon...."

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Do you find that they sometimes start considering you their best friend since you put up with them better?

 

 

On the money!

 

My husband has a friend from work... my husband IS his only friend... because my husband is the only one who puts up with him... and so my husband gets the complain complain complain.  I can't do it.  My husband asks me if I'm happy enough to go meet his friend with him... and sometimes I have to say, nope, you go it alone this time...  In my observance, my husband has this confidence that allows him to say it as it is... for example, the friend started berating a waitress because she put his drink too far from his plate... my husband simply told him - Stop it or we are leaving - in the same manner he says I want a Coke.   And that was it.  The guy stopped and they started talking about something else like nothing happened.  I don't know how he gets people to do what he asks...

 

I work from home.  It's easier to pick and choose who I talk to...

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Do you find that they sometimes start considering you their best friend since you put up with them better?

 

I try to be nice to everyone (not always online...gotta work on that), even the annoying ones, and consequently, surprise, surprise, they like me and come talk to me all the time. (Complain, complain, complain...)

 

Part of the price you pay for Christianity I suppose.

Very much so.......just for the very reason no matter how much they complain I always say hello and offer a smile and yes....listen.
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  • 3 weeks later...

Without presuming a lot of things and purely going by what you've said and my experience with the same situation I'd say there is something deep rooted in her that is leaving her feel possibly undervalued or overlooked in the workplace.One of the tricks I used was to listen very carefully to the criticism that the negative person would throw at someone and see if those very criticisms can be turned around on themselves and 8/10 times they could. Which always left me thinking that they were very unhappy with themselves, it's usually a confidence issue. 

 

I know how you feel though, with your own situation on your shoulders it is hard to carry other peoples baggage when at work. That is why I decided to give myself a make over of sorts and become uber professional in the  workplace. As I simply didn't have the patience or strength to babysit full grown adults and their 1st world problems.

 

I don't know the full story in your situation so I can't rule out a serious issue beneath the surface with your colleague but it may be best to draw a line and keep to it. 

 

The expression '' Give an inch take a yard '' comes to mind with the women you are describing, might be time to draw up the bridge for a little while and let her have a little talk with herself...

 

None of this means you have to become short or ill-tempered with her, just keep her at arms length as to not let her vibes infringe on your mood.

 

Good luck with it, sometimes people aren't happy unless they're moaning.. The guy I used to work with would complain if he hit the jackpot in a lottery ( Seriously ). I just learned to laugh it off.

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Thanks CC (my nickname to you :) ). One thing I started doing more is smile and be happy. Now I must admit I study people's body language a lot and I noticed happier someone is, angrier some people get. :P  It's like they're miserable and you should also be miserable. Anyways, I cannot change her or wish to change her, I can only change myself and my reaction towards her negativity. I'm telling you, I know all the theory but need to put it in practice in my own life. :P

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When I was working full time, I seemed to attract the Negative Nellies. Not sure why, but I think it's probably because I was a good listener and always tried to be nice to everyone.

 

Some day, maybe I'll be brave enough to say, "I'm having a really rough time, and I can't handle any more sadness in my life right now.  Let's talk in a few days when I'm doing better."

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Thanks CC (my nickname to you :) ). One thing I started doing more is smile and be happy. Now I must admit I study people's body language a lot and I noticed happier someone is, angrier some people get. :P  It's like they're miserable and you should also be miserable. Anyways, I cannot change her or wish to change her, I can only change myself and my reaction towards her negativity. I'm telling you, I know all the theory but need to put it in practice in my own life. :P

Right you are. I've made the same experience and found out that, whenever I was glad or happy, others draw me down. Perhaps we should try always to be sad and down, so that we could bring others to the opposite feeling and make THEM happy? ...   PS   Your new avatar is GREAT! ;)

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When I was working full time, I seemed to attract the Negative Nellies. Not sure why, but I think it's probably because I was a good listener and always tried to be nice to everyone.

 

Some day, maybe I'll be brave enough to say, "I'm having a really rough time, and I can't handle any more sadness in my life right now.  Let's talk in a few days when I'm doing better."

"Negative Nellies" - :lol:  What a funny and well describing word.  It remembers me to the character of Nellie Oleson in "Little House on the Prairie" (German: "Unsere kleine Farm"). She really was a negative Nellie, perhaps in a different meaning. No doubt she was the prettiest there, she was the most evil character on the other hand. Those Nellies...  ;)

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