In need of advice

[Bewildered]

My wife & I have been married for 11 years and for most of it things have gone well. We have 3 adorable children and have constructed a pretty firm life together. Except some pretty substantial cracks have formed over the years.

The problem started several years ago when my wife went through a wild phase. Her friends became more influential to her than I was & she attended several parties without me that she claims were just social get togethers with work friends. I had my doubts. Even though she fell back in to her regular routine afterward she was just kind of neglectful & distant. I confronted her about my concerns & after some pretty big fights she insisted nothing ever happened. A few weeks later she says she wants to leave because she doesn't have enough freedom, isn't ready to be married, isn't ready to be a good mom. This happened 2 more times over 6 months. I was able to talk her out of leaving each time but the 4th time I just said ok. Before we contacted a divorce attorney she recanted & said she wants to give it 1 more try. I wanted to make sure infidelity wasn't an issue so I asked her about everything previous & again she assured me nothing happened.

Admittedly I can be a little paranoid at times & not wanting to be a controlling, jealous spouse I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Life moved on. We ended up moving out of state & she lost touch with those friends & things got even better. The closeness returned & I figured we had mended that tear in our relationship.

A couple years pass & I happen to come across some emails she had sent during vacations she had made back home to visit family. I had to work & couldn't come with. During each of these trips she told me she was so busy with her family she wasn't able to take our kids to see anyone on my side of the family. Well these emails indicated she had been out to more parties with old high school friends (different group than before but people she had had relationships with). She lied & was caught. She claimed she didn't remember having sent any emails. While arguing about this I ask if she had ever messed around with anyone during those first parties she went to. Now the story changes. She claims it was just flirting and nothing happened but there was a guy there that pursued her. Because she claims she didn't do anything she didn't think I needed to know & it would only hurt me so she kept it a secret. The next day when we check to verify the emails I had found since we weren't in a place we could the previous day. They were no longer there & she again said she didn't remember sending the emails but didn't deny going to any parties either.

This is where my true concern lies. I've caught her lying (about this & other little things as well) & she will not admit it. Honesty is an issue. When certain subjects related to infidelity come up she gets extremely nervous. On other occasions she regularly changes the facts to avoid losing the argument. And at one point she became obsessed with movies involving a wife that cheats & is forgiven in the end. Not exactly a confession but suspicious considering our history.

I've shared with her that I now have trouble trusting her & she said she understands & hopes she can regain it some day. At times I feel like she might want to tell me but is afraid. Afraid that I'll leave and is worried she will spend the rest of her life alone. If it did happen I want to know. And honestly I don't think I deserve to live with someone who would do that to me & lie about it when I've been 100% faithful. I can see why she would have trouble owning up to it. Starting over in your mid 30's with 3 kids wouldn't be easy. (The effect it would have on the kids is the main reason I haven't left & would rather give her the benefit of the doubt.)

So that's where I stand today. I can't prove she has cheated but she has proved to be untrustworthy in many ways. There's many inconsistencies with what she says & how she behaves. I've tried just forgetting the whole thing but something always brings it back to the surface. Not knowing is making me feel like I'm going crazy & I just don't know what to do.

I've thought about counseling or talking to the bishop but without any real evidence I think it would just stir up trouble. That's why I've turned here where I can share my experience anonymously & hopefully get some good advice.

[yjacket]

I'm sorry that you are going through this trial.  Through Christ's Atonement all things are possible.

 

I do have a question.  How did you happen to come across her e-mails?  

 

If you were snooping in her e-mail without her permission then it would be a breach of trust on your side.  If it was just that her e-mail was open that may be something else.  

 

Generally speaking my wife and I keep our e-mails seperate but if we need to we'll ask each other if we need to access something on the other person's e-mail.  Depending on how your marriage works you may be more or less open with e-mail, but however you do it you need to make sure both parties are in agreement and aware of how you'll manage it.

 

Honesty in many cases is an issue when individuals do not feel they can adequetly open up without being judged or listened to.  If everytime a person opens up and the other individual immediately makes the other person feel bad or insecure they will be less likely to be completely honest.  Creating a safe-space for her to open up to you without feeling judged is critical-ensuring that she is simply listened to.

 

 

Starting over in your mid 30's with 3 kids wouldn't be easy.

 

Through recent experiences in my life, I have experienced a small taste of what this would possibly be like and let me tell you it is an extremely hard road-doable and many people do it, but saying it wouldn't be easy and actually living it are completely different things.  

 

In a divorce situation, there is no guarantee that you would get the kids (she would most likely get them) and the State does not look too kindly on dads in divorce situations.  The massive amount of damage that will occur to your children is incalculable.  Financially speaking it will also be a big hit.  

 

Unless you become a dead-beat dad your life and her's will be intertwined for the next 18+ years; it's not so simple as just cutting ties and being done.

 

Do you deserve to be with someone who hasn't been 100% faithful?  No.  But then again have you done everything possible to treat her as your eternal companion, to be kind, affectionate, compassionate, to treat her as Christ would?  Does she deserve someone who hasn't done those things? I don't know if you have or haven't, only you can answer those questions.

 

On a broader scale, what have any of us done to "deserve" the Atonement?  None of us "deserve" it, we can not possibly measure up to earn the wonderful gift that God and Christ gave to us.  It is just that a gift, His grace to us so that we might change and be a better person today than we were yesterday and tomorrow be better than we are today.  I shudder and cry to think of all my sins and all of the gifts that God has given to me that I truly have not earned, yet His grace is sufficient.

 

Finally I would say, to love your wife.  Treat her as Christ would treat her.  Create a safe space for her to be able to confide in you.  If she has cheated but has changed I can guarantee that she will tell you; it will be something that she must do to complete the repentance process and until she does tell you it will eat her alive.

 

If she has cheated and changed you will have a very tough decision to make, will you be able to rely upon the Atonement to forgive your wife?

 

If she cheated and hasn't changed, you will also know.

 

From what I have read in marriages, in many instances of infidelity, it occurs because a need(s) of the person who committed adultery was not being met.  The individual feels, rejected, not listened to, etc. and finds someone outside who temporarily fulfills those needs.  

 

In a strong marriage, infidelity is almost unthinkable because of the bond between husband and wife, each person is fulfilling the needs of the other person.  

This in no way excuses infidelity, it only helps to understand why it occurs.

[Suzie]

I've thought about counseling or talking to the bishop but without any real evidence I think it would just stir up trouble. That's why I've turned here where I can share my experience anonymously & hopefully get some good advice.

 

You do not need any sort of evidence to seek counseling and the help for your Bishop and I am not talking only about marriage counseling but counseling for yourself. It will not stir up more trouble but it's very possible that things will come out to light. You mentioned your marriage have gone well except your wife's behavior in recent years with partying, etc but let me say that perhaps that's the impression you had..things do not change overnight and no married person decides to party and turn "wild" all of the sudden. There have been issues and perhaps warning signs that needed attention.

 

When there is distrust in a marriage and the issue isn't solved, it doesn't  go away by magic. But quite the opposite, things get worse. You will start feeling like you are losing your mind, become very angry and resentful  towards your spouse and you will start doing whatever it takes to see if she is indeed cheating on you (including inappropriate behavior such as checking her phone, emails, following her, etc if you haven't done that already). No marriage should reach that point.

 

She needs to come out clean but making her feel that you are checking her every move will not make her open up to you. I suggest that you seek the help of a professional therapist ASAP that can help you deal with this difficult situation as well as marriage counseling.