To Wait A Year Or Have A Civil Wedding And Be Sealed? What Do I Do!?

[boogles]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a long time. We wanted to get married, but because we are currently unable to hold temple recommends, we decided maybe the best thing was to get married civilly, and work hard together and be sealed in a year. Once we made that decision, temptations went crazy. We fornicated numerous times for about a week after that. After that period of time we decided maybe we should wait the year and have a temple wedding. It was hard, but we want the temple. After about a week and a half of being really good, I decided maybe it was best for us not to wait after all, but be married civilly and get sealed in a year like we discussed. That night we fornicated again. The next day we talked with my parents (who don't know about the events that have happened) and urged us to wait (not knowing we had had sex). We've been good and clean for what is now a little over a week. We want the temple so badly, but the temptations are extremely difficult. It would be different (maybe) if we had done it once, but it has happened many times... It just feels too difficult at this point, now that that part of our relationship has been established.

 

The tough thing is this. We know we will be getting sealed in the temple in a year, no matter how we get there (civil marriage and wait, or after waiting the year to be married in the temple). The issue is, we want to make it to the temple as clean and as worthy as possible. A part of me thinks we should just get married civilly so we can work on the repentance process together and work hard as a married couple to make it to the temple. A year is a long time, and I worry about making a mistake... I don't think anything is impossible, but I need some advice or opinions. 

 

I hear people telling me that if we get married civilly our marriage will most likely fall apart. Do you think that's true? Or do you think it's possible to have a happy, healthy, and spiritual marriage if we got married civilly and sealed a year later. 

 

The temple is important, but I just want to be honest. I will in no way enter into the temple unworthily. Which is why I'm confused as to what is the best way for me and my boyfriend to make it there.

[Just_A_Guy]

Two observations (and they're going to seem horrendously judgmental, for which I apologize, but . . . dem's the breaks; the situation is what it is):

 

1)  If I am reading you correctly, it took a monumental effort for you and your boyfriend to make it a week and a half without having sex--and ultimately, your desire for sex won out over your mutual respect for each others' spiritual goals.  Temple marriage?  IMHO, it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider whether your relationship is such that you two should be getting married at all.  Your boyfriend might say lots of heartfelt, beautiful things at all the right times; but when the rubber hits the road--he doesn't respect you, and he's all about instant gratification.  That's a lousy basis for a marriage.

 

2)  Marriage is a huge decision.  Botch it, and you will--I am not exaggerating here--spend your entire life regretting it.  (No exaggeration.  I'm a divorce lawyer.)  You're entitled to have the gift of the Holy Ghost with you to help you make that decision--or you were entitled, until you began fornicating.  You can get it again, but for now (spiritually speaking) you're kind of on your own.  Is this really the ideal time to be making what will be, bar none, the biggest decision of your life?

 

My advice:  End the relationship, now.  Turn your life over to the Lord and engage the repentance process.  When you're spiritually whole again, prayerfully consider whether to re-initiate the relationship. 

 

Your boyfriend might not wait for you to complete that process, but your husband will. 

Edited August 26, 2014 by Just_A_Guy

[applepansy]

I completely agree with JAG.

[estradling75]

JAG correctly stress the importance of marrying for the right reasons and doing the right thing...  And I completely agree with him.

 

If however you make the choice to stay with your current boy friend anyways and struggle with the temptation then the next best thing could be a civil marriage.  Being a divorce lawyer JAG sees what happens when they fail, but with a willingness to sacrifice of both parties can make any marriage work.   Its just from your post we are not seeing that 'willingness to sacrifice' for the right things when you two know better but still have problems keeping your pants on.  It is possible to develop this but you are playing a very high risk game if you move forward with marriage without it.

[Jack.and.the.bean.stalk]

Boogles ...

Don't rush things. There really is no way to shut it off if you are together. Plus, there is no guarantee of a good marriage no matter which way you go. If he is a solid guy (job, active, kind, willing to sacrifice), then I advocate getting married and walk into the temple when you are ready. <<I read the other responses and they *are* judgmental. You sound like a decent sort of person. Kicking someone to curb if you love them is a pretty hard thing to do.>>

[mdfxdb]

Good advice has been given here.  If you truly love your boyfriend, and if he truly loves you, then individually going through the repentance process is likely the best road.  This may mean you have to break up/not see each other for a year.

 

It will hurt now, but it will be insignificant to a failed marriage w/ children later in life.  

 

 FYI, a year isn't very long.  

[notquiteperfect]

Great input already and will add that I've seen both outcomes.  One relative got married civilly and it quickly fell apart.  Another relative got married civilly and were sealed a year later and have now been together 25 years and are as strong as ever.  The difference: maturity level.  I also have another relative that got married civilly and still isn't sealed after 30+ years because well...marriage can be rocky.  If you do get married, just know that the first year can be tough so you really need to start on the best possible footing.

[yjacket]

I would say, if and this is a big if you both feel like you should marry each other than I would say the best thing to do is to get married as soon as possible.  I would also counsel that hopefully this decision has already been made, or if it hasn't it should not be made until you have begun the repentance process-i.e. making a life altering decision while in the throws of passion does not necessarily lead to the best outcome.

 

If there is the least bit of doubt about getting married on either side, then I would counsel to break it off-now.

 

It is absolutely possible for both you and your boyfriend to hold off for the year, however given the fact that you have dated for a long time and have already broken the Law of Chastity multiple times, I'd say you are at a cross-roads: get married ASAP or break it off ASAP.

 

More importantly, you must not engage in any more pre-marital sex.  Don't think birth control is 100% effective either; I know that from personal experience (and I thank my lucky stars that it isn't b/c otherwise I'd only have a couple instead of three).

 

And I can guarantee you at this point, being pregnant is the last thing you want.

 

Regardless of which option you choose, remember this you have committed multiple times an extremely serious sin and even if you and your boyfriend get married tomorrow, you will have to go through the repentance process for this sin.  Do not think that by simply getting married it will complete the repentance process.

 

This is the thing that most concerns me; I do not see in your OP the awareness of the seriousness of the sin that you have committed.  It appears to be an "oops" instead of the heartwrenching Godly sorrow that must accompany this type of sin.

 

If you do not fully understand the seriousness of this sin and do not come to terms with it and the repentance of it then I can tell you this much the benefits of temple attendance will not be there for you.  One can stop a sin but not repent.  Repent means more than to stop, it means to turn away from, to change.  Stopping is one of the 1st steps but it is not all.

 

Please see below for more information on the seriousness of this sin:

 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1980/10/president-kimball-speaks-out-on-morality?lang=eng

Edited August 26, 2014 by yjacket

[MarginOfError]

In my personal opinion, if a couple wants to be sealed but has developed a pattern of sexual activity, I recommend that they be married civilly and pursue the temple afterward so long as

A) they are committed to each other

B) have an established, exclusive relationship having lasted a significant time period

C) and have illustrated the maturity to handle difficult challenges in their relationship.

But I'm also with JAG in my observation that the two of you do not appear to be mature enough yet. Two mature and committed adults would be able to avoid binging on sex any time the prospect of civil marriage came up. Your pattern of behavior sets off warning bells to me about how well you two would manage the obstacles marriage presents.

It's possible that a ten month engagement with a concerted effort to face this issue might foster the maturity the two of you need. But that is extremely rare. I'm inclined to believe that you would fare better to spend the next year outside of any relationships while you develop your own personal spirituality and maturity.

[Backroads]

Based on your post, I suggest that if this is 'the one", marry civilly first. I hate to say "you can always go to the temple later", but, well, you can. But you must be ready. Right now you two may have righteous desires, but the maturity and devotion to the temple isn't there yet. I suggest pre-marital counseling as well.

I know a couple who will probably never get to the temple, a few couples who married civilly and made it to the temple within a reasonable time, and a couple who successfully repented, held off for a year, and married in the temple.

But we all know a couple who did whatever. Anecdotes all over.

Your best bet is to prayerfullyv and thoughtfully consider your own situation and be realistic.

[mordorbund]

What counsel has your bishop given you?

[AngelMarvel]

I hope I say this correctly...since I was in a car accident a month and a half ago, my brain doesn't think properly and words don't come out right...so I hope this does.

 

Part of repenting is to turn away from sin. I feel that if you just go get married civilly so you are not breaking the LoC, then you really didn't give yourself that chance to "prove" to yourself that you turned away from sin. Once married you can have all the sex you want...but, that didn't give you the chance to turn away from the sin you are in. Does that make since?

 

I think you also need to talk with the Bishop about this.

 

If you think a year takes a long time to wait for a Temple marriage... just think how long it will take every time you "try" to not have sex... and you do...then you have to start the process of repentance all over again and that year starts all over again.

 

I pray you make good decisions in this because marriage is hard enough without dragging bad things into it.

 

God's blessings.

[Hellothere123]

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating a long time. We wanted to get married, but because we are currently unable to hold temple recommends, we decided maybe the best thing was to get married civilly, and work hard together and be sealed in a year. Once we made that decision, temptations went crazy. We fornicated numerous times for about a week after that. After that period of time we decided maybe we should wait the year and have a temple wedding. It was hard, but we want the temple. After about a week and a half of being really good, I decided maybe it was best for us not to wait after all, but be married civilly and get sealed in a year like we discussed. That night we fornicated again. The next day we talked with my parents (who don't know about the events that have happened) and urged us to wait (not knowing we had had sex). We've been good and clean for what is now a little over a week. We want the temple so badly, but the temptations are extremely difficult. It would be different (maybe) if we had done it once, but it has happened many times... It just feels too difficult at this point, now that that part of our relationship has been established.

 

The tough thing is this. We know we will be getting sealed in the temple in a year, no matter how we get there (civil marriage and wait, or after waiting the year to be married in the temple). The issue is, we want to make it to the temple as clean and as worthy as possible. A part of me thinks we should just get married civilly so we can work on the repentance process together and work hard as a married couple to make it to the temple. A year is a long time, and I worry about making a mistake... I don't think anything is impossible, but I need some advice or opinions. 

 

I hear people telling me that if we get married civilly our marriage will most likely fall apart. Do you think that's true? Or do you think it's possible to have a happy, healthy, and spiritual marriage if we got married civilly and sealed a year later. 

 

The temple is important, but I just want to be honest. I will in no way enter into the temple unworthily. Which is why I'm confused as to what is the best way for me and my boyfriend to make it there.

 

 

Boogles,

 

My heart goes out to you! I don't post on here very often but I was skimming through and saw your post and really wanted to log back in and give you some advice! 10 months ago I was in a very similar situation and posted on here for advice because I was desperate for some outsider opinion.

 

You can see the post here: http://lds.net/forums/topic/50929-please-help-civil-marriage-consequences/page-2

 

Read through that and see if anything stands out for you.

 

Now, my husband and I got married civilly and have been married for 9 months now! I recently went through the temple to receive my endowment and it was wonderful. :) We are attending the temple together regularly and it has brought us so much joy and love. We are going to be sealed very soon and are excited. We are also planning on starting our family very soon.

 

Now, things are working out for us, and we have made a CHOICE to create lemondade out of lemons, and thats a choice I sometimes have to make hourly. I personally, have chosen to make the experience something that will transform me spiritually so that I can use my experience for good. That doesn't mean we havent had our hard moments. One of the biggest reasons I felt that I was willing to go through with a civil wedding was because I LOVED HIM SO MUCH, but the NUMBER ONE reason was because I felt I had the Lord's blessing after weeks of fasting and prayer. We have hard moments, but we've never fought and yelled at each other or anything... everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest... but I dunno, for us I think wed been together for so long, when we finally got married we were just so happy haha it is a adjustment though.

 

Now, if you do go through with it, and are anything like me, you will probably have lots of tears and sleepless nights. You would be married, but still have to repent for your sins individually & collectively. So bringing that into your marriage will either make or break you. It's a choice. We've decided for it to make us grow into our best selves yet. But marriage is so wonderful. I love my husband and it was SUCH a relief to share everything together. If I've learned anything it's that as members of the church, we should be fierce advocate of marriage, whether Temple or Civil.

 

The wedding itself, make sure whoever does your ceremony doesnt make you feel like crap on your special day. Ours made mention of the temple multiple times in the context of: "You're not getting sealed today, but that okay...." Really? I don't want to be reminded of that   made me feel like crap and it was embarrasing for the obvious to be highlighted in front of everyone. So that is my only regret about our wedding day... everything else was just so wonderful. On that day I felt at peace and so full of Heavenly Fathers love. 

 

Also, if you go through with it, know that you will have LOTS of experiences where people (whether intentionally or not) will make you feel like you are 2nd class, unworthy, a sinner blah blah blah blah, just because unfortuately, there are those types of members out there OR they are just so accustomed to one type of happily ever after situation that they don't know how to communicate about any others. YOU have to decide if you will let that tear you down. I still feel the sting of it, but that doesn't mean I cannot take that to the Lord in prayer that evening and ask for Him to take that burden as long as I am worthy and keeping His commandments. Ask the Lord to help you feel happiness, peace and joy for being different.

 

Also, someone mentioned feeling like you never had a chance to "prove" to yourself that you could do it a year without giving in... I thought something along the same lines before we got hitched, but at least for us, I don't feel like that is something to worry about. You are still going to have to prove to yourself and the Lord that you are willing to repent, forgive each other, and carry on your work here on earth with a smile and forgiving heart. THAT, right there is enough to prove, and is something that everyone works on their entire life, regardless of the path they choose.

 

And I guess my last thing is... looking back, if I hadn't totally immersed myself in the gospel, doing SERVICE weekly, doing FAMILY HOME EVENING, PRAYER, and diving in the SCRIPTURES whole heartedly, then I wouldn't be where I am today. We wouldnt be where we are today. Especially service. I've felt unworthy to serve so many times to the point where I just cry, but the Lord speaks through the humble/ broke heart to help others and I've been amazed at the way He works His miracles through me.. a sinner and someone indebted to Him for eternity (just like all of us, regardless of our sins/ weaknesses). But that's the beauty of the Gospel isn't it?

 

So basically, it is a hard road, but totally doable and you are a WONDERFUL, beautiful, daughter of God and HE LOVES YOU. If you both are committed to each other and are solid in the Gospel, it is totally possible to recieve the blessings of the temple, and your time will be filled with so much joy that you will feel like your heart could burst, especially after working through so much together.

 

Would I change anyhting about our situation? Of course the Molly Mormon in me says that I would totally go back and have that Temple marriage first. But the wiser, humbled and further converted me says, No. Absolutely not because I have struggled and learned SO much.

 

 

I feel like I am kind of scattered with this response, but let me know if you have any questions specifically or if there's anything I can do. I know how hard it is to be in your position right now.. I was barely functioning without crying multiple times a day.

 

Breathe, and everything will be okay!

 

Love, Hellothere123