Hope for a man with no dating experience?

[rustedwithlove]

I am a life-long member of the Church with a dating problem. That dating problem is... I don't date.

 

I will begin with the basics.

 

I am 23 years old and reside in Washington State, where I am finishing up my bachelor’s degree at the University of Washington. I enjoy creative writing, which is what I’m studying (I’m also studying journalism). My hope is to someday be a published author and travel the world, meeting all kinds of people.

 

I should also mention right now that I have Asperger’s Syndrome. It is very difficult for me to cope with being in large social settings. I feel like this is magnified in Church social settings, because I feel as if members of the Church judge people who are socially awkward. Whenever my stake has Stake Conference, I often try to find a seat in the High Council room (where there’s CCTV set up). That way, I don’t have to sit in the gym, where I’ll develop claustrophobia, get caught up in a mass exodus to get out, and risk having an awkward encounter.

 

In addition to social difficulties, I am also physically uncoordinated (this is usually considered one of the criteria for having Asperger’s). I dread going to Church activities, since most (not all, but certainly most) of these activities are centered around athletics, and I am literally no good. And no, I do not mean that I “just need practice”–––my motor coordination won’t allow me to be proficient in sports.

 

That’s background to while I’m here today: I have never dated.

 

For The Strength of Youth counsels young Latter-Day Saints to begin dating at 16 years old, and to begin with group dates (two or more couples). I missed that window. And I don’t mean by a small margin, either. I’m now 23, and I’ve never double- or group-dated. Never had a girlfriend. Don’t even know how to flirt with a woman.

 

This difficulty with dating, I should stress, applies to relationships with both LDS and non-LDS women. It creats a barrier, but I feel this barrier is larger with LDS women. How many LDS women want to date a socially awkward autistic man who doesn’t like to play sports, hasn’t served a mission (did I mention that?), and struggles with large social settings?

 

I don’t enjoy going to Young Single Adult activities, because I don’t feel like I get a fair shake. All of the YSAs in my stake are organized in closed cliques. And when I say they’re “closed,” I mean that they are locked shut: Membership is by invitation only, and invitations are extended pretty much only when a new Pope is installed. If I try to mingle with anyone at YSA events, I am given nonverbal signals to go away–––in essence, “We don’t have anything against you, but this is our group, and you’re not allowed inside.” Just about everyone treats me this way.

 

This isn’t to mention that 80+% of my stake’s YSA events are centered on sports. Why can’t the YSA program have events centered on trivia or poetry? Why does everything have to be a muscle contest?

 

I haven’t been to a YSA event in at least three years, and I honestly don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. Why be somewhere where I’m miserable?

 

Most LDS women my age are already married. The only available LDS women I know who are a) of legal age, and b ) not busy hunting for a more “worthy” husband at BYU are a few single moms. Women without kids don’t want to date a 23-year-old with no experience; why would single moms be any different?

 

My lack of experience with dating has presented enormous challenges for me in the world at large, but I feel like it’s an even bigger challenge in the Church, because I feel like I’ve failed. I have a bad feeling that, if this isn’t resolved within two years, I’ll end up leaving the Church, because it’s just too painful being this single.

 

Any advice? If anything in this post seems uncertain or unclear, let me know and I'll fill you in.

Edited September 18, 2014 by rustedwithlove

[Guest]

My husband isn't on the autism spectrum, but he is highly introverted, a bit socially awkward, and doesn't have any interest in sports. It doesn't make a lick of difference to me. He's a good man, motivated in his goals, has a strong testimony, and he's so good to me and my kids. I love him more than I can say. 

 

Meet people in small settings, In this world, there's no reason you have to meet a girl in the "traditional" ways (like church functions). My husband and I met at a small party where we had each been invited by a roommate. But even back then, 16+ years ago, I was active on at least one LDS singles forum online. I would encourage you to try that. It's a great place to meet and visit with people on your terms, in the comfort of your own space, at times you feel your best. You can do low-pressure things like group chats, and then pick girls you seem compatible with and try to engage them one-on-one, then hopefully you'll get to a point where you can date in person; and since you will have already had conversations online, it won't be as awkward or forced. 

 

I hear of more and more successful online pairings. I truly believe there is someone for everyone. Chances are, you'd do best with someone who understands your "quirks" (for lack of a better term) to some degree, and my armchair psychology advice is that it seems more likely that you'd find someone like that online.

 

Dating in groups is not a necessary step at your age. I think a lot of it has to do with keeping the younger set, who aren't old enough to seek marriage and who have less impulse control, spiritually and physically safe and chaste. For you, dating someone one-on-one is probably better and more comfortable, so you don't have the pressure of socializing with a whole group. 

[PolarVortex]

Well... if the cow is dry, stop milking.  Those YSA wards sound like something from Dante's Inferno! 

 

Maybe you need to increase your social "surface area" and start building quality relationships with lots of people outside the LDS singles scene. 

 

In my experience, I've failed miserably whenever I focus only on pushing the bad things out of my life.  My time and energy are burned up on negative things, and at the end of the day most of the bad things are still there.  I've been far more successful when I swivel my attention and focus exclusively on filling my life with good things... and letting the bad things sort themselves out on their own. 

 

In your case, you could just let go of your bad experiences with YSA wards and dating issues.  Defocus from them.  Find a job or a project or a hobby (anything) that makes you fire on all cylinders and brings you fulfillment and challenge and consumes you with passion for something.  If it's within the Church, great.  It not, don't sweat it. 

 

I can't emphasize this enough.  Finding a passion for something in life is one of the best ways I know to beef up your charisma and catalyze relationships.

 

You mentioned creative writing.  Start a 5-year project for writing a nonfiction book or a novel, and start doing research.  Make it a goal to interview hundreds of people from all walks of life.  Or start a blog, or volunteer at the SPCA, or tutor kids, or do anything that will get you building friendships of any and every kind.  Forget about YSA wards and dating for a while.  People with a passion for something tend to attract other people powerfully.  Find that passion, let that fill your life, and let it push all the negative stuff out. 

[kapikui]

Don't worry about the singles wards.  Go to a family ward and work on finding someone for you.  Young Single Adults tend to act a lot like they're still in high school.  The YSA wards attract extroverted people who really should act like adults, but unfortunately in our society, people really aren't mature enough to deal with someone more than about 5% off the mean until they're in their 30's. Concentrating such people in a group tends to reenforce such behavior.

 

This is nothing unique to the YSA wards.  Anytime you put a bunch of people 18-25 on average together in a group you'll get similar behavior.  The YSA wards are optimized for extroverted people, which makes some sense since about 80% of the population is broken in that manner.

[FunkyTown]

To the OP: I feel for you, I do. It's tough being single in the church. Heck, I joined the church at the age of 25 and everyone was much, much younger than me. Kinda awkward. I was the old single guy and I was 25.

 

The biggest piece of advice you need is:

 

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

 

Think about what you want, then do it. Don't like the scene? Move somewhere it's more to your liking. Painfully shy? Work on being extroverted.

Worried that being autistic keeps you from dating? Look up where and how other autistic people met their significant others and try that.

 

Just remember that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

[omegaseamaster75]

You need to be active in the online dating scene, also you need to gain some confidence. This is how I would go about gaining confidence:

 

1. Understand that you are not the only socially awkward person out there. There are women who feel exactly the same as you and may share some of the same issues.

 

2. Lower the bar, I see this in many single women and men in the church, they want someone who is good looking, well off financially, and super spiritual, to ride in on their white horse with their shiny suit of armor a sweep them away. This never happens, same for the guys they want the super attractive yet modest, humble and spiritual future wife. So when I say lower the bar, date the single mom, ask the awkward chubby girl out on a date she's not going to say no. You don't have to marry her but you will learn how to act in social situations with women. Think of it it like learning to ride a bike, did you hop on your first bicycle and cruise around the neighborhood like a pro. No you didn't, you had training wheels and as you progressed and practiced you raised those training wheels, until one day you took them off. 

 

3. Make yourself more desirable, finish your degree, get a good job, buy a house, be prepared financially, take care of your temporal body, lose that 10-15lbs you got sitting around your waist, if you have to wear a white shirt to church spend a few bucks and get a nice one, wear a real tie, get a nice suit, heck get two or three your single you can afford it. Dry clean your shirts so they are nice and sharp every week. Look presentable and you will begin to feel presentable.

 

4. Your 23, life's a journey not a race. Practice makes perfect in everything that we do, if you never practice you'll never get any better at it.

[mdfxdb]

OP.

 

 Read what Omega said, then do it.

[rustedwithlove]

OP.

 

 Read what Omega said, then do it.

 

I appreciate his advice, but he's using a few assumptions. Even if I have everything else completely lined up by the time I turn 26, that still potentially raises the red flag of "Okay, this guy has everything in order... So why hasn't he been on a group date by age 26?"

 

I appreciate everyone else for their advice so far.

 

I hope it's okay for me to say this–––and the mods/admins can correct me if it isn't–––but I'd like to hear some more from the women on this forum. (Thank you kindly for offering some of that perspective, Eowyn.)

[Guest]

I agree with looking your best and working on things that make you happy and advance you in your career. Confidence is very attractive, and confidence comes from doing those things. (Arrogance, on the other hand, is a turnoff for most good women. Confidence + humility is a very effective 1-2 punch. ) 

[mdfxdb]

Quit putting up what if's, and ?'s

 

If you never start you will never get there.  Don't worry about what others will think, just do.

[garryw]

My advice is to do nothing.  There is no need to get married at 23.  Or date.  You still have plenty of time.  I was married at 23 and if I could go back and do it all again I would have enjoyed bachelorhood for another decade or two.

 

I got married the second time at 36.  Trust, there is no shortage of single sisters.  Quite the opposite.  They will be blowing up your phone.

[believingisachoice]

Your assumptions are many, and may be incorrect. I feel your projecting to much on others and not giving them a chance. If you want to start dating and have companionship in this life then ask a girl out a a date. If you cannot ask for whatever reason try to find a intermediary (a friend) to ask a girl for you and have him explain that you have issue but you really want to go out.

 

I don't know be creative. Just make it happen. If you don't put forth effort though the Lord cannot bless you. Good luck.