Help, guidance, anything?

[Mday16]

Hello,

This post may be really long but I think it's important to have some background info.

I met a boy my senior year of high school, we became friends and started dating. Fast forward 5 years and we decided to get married.

He discovered the LDS church in high school, and while he and I were "on a break" I began exploring the church myself and got baptized. It was the first place in a long time that I was accepted for who I am and was around others who believed what I did. We reconnected and began dating again and going to church together, we both lost contact with the church because of work and various other things. He had some demons to battle, but I stood by his side. Almost a year ago we discussed marriage, it was not the first time and, I don't know how to explain it but it felt right. We decided to elope. It was just about us and I was happy with that. We talked about a big ceremony in the future with our friends and family and talked about getting sealed in the temple one day, neither of our families are LDS. His "demons" resurfaced and landed him in jail within 2 weeks of our wedding. He was incarcerated for 9 months, in which I continued to stand by his side despite everyone else's warnings. I truly thought he was my soulmate and believed there was good in him. What kind of person would I be if I abandoned him when he needed love the most? Anyway, he called me everyday, multiple times a day, wrote me letters, told me how much he loved me, and planned our future. He was released and is living in a sober living house, got a good job and has stayed sober. I thought everything was going well. We hung out, he told me he loved me, and said he wanted to start our family. I was so in love and happy that everything finally seemed right. Then he suddenly stopped returning my texts or calls and got a second job keeping him busy literally all day. I let him be thinking maybe he was struggling with his sobriety and needed some time to himself. He stopped saying he loved me when he did answer. I received a text from him asking to meet up, and I knew it was over. He told me he didn't love me anymore. He showed barely any emotion and said he hasn't bern in love with me for months.

So now I'm struggling to deal with how you can stop loving someone. I don't understand how that can happen when everything we had felt so right, when I thought he was my soulmate. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I just don't understand it. I don't get how he could have pretended to be in love with me for months, allowing me to dote on him, treating him as you should treat a husband, and believe he loved me. I don't understand why he would talk about babies and name them and plan what our house would look like and where we would live while he was just pretending to love me.

I feel so alone. My family wasn't his biggest fan so they are happy and saying I desere better, but right now them being happy isn't really what I need. I feel that throughout our relationship I lost some of myself, I feel that I looked to him for everything and now I no longer have that so it really scares me. He was my best friend and husband, the person I told all my secrets to and went to for help. I have a hard time making friends and so I don't really have anyone to lean on. That is why I came back to this forum. I needed to return to the place and people that I feel accepted me for me. My work and school schedule make it impossible for me to get Sunday's off right now so I can't attend church. I just wanted to see how to get over someone you thought was the one, but no longer loves you and now I'm 22 and facing a divorce.

Thank you

Madi

[PolarVortex]

People can't just flip a switch and stop loving someone.  This loss will hurt and you may have lots of tears and sadness ahead as you heal from this unfortunate situation.  But it sounds like you have a lot of really good things going for you.  Your family supports you, you seem like you are dealing with this situation with maturity and clear thinking, and if you need to hit the reset button on your life then 22 is not a bad age, not a bad age at all.  

 

In my experience, people with broken hearts tell themselves two myths: that their broken hearts will never heal and that they lost the only person in the world who was perfect for them.  They're both myths.  Broken hearts can be terrible, but I don't know anyone who hasn't healed from a broken heart sooner or later.  I'm glad your husband brought you so much joy, and it may still be unthinkable to you that anyone else can replace him, but he has wronged you badly and you must be strong enough to see the reality of this.

 

Surround yourself with people who will give you strength and peace.  Find some way to participate in church, even if you have to get a job that leaves you free on Sundays.  The worst thing you can do is withdraw.  Your story is sad, but you still have the power to change the parts of your life that aren't working.  Not everyone is that lucky.

Edited October 18, 2014 by PolarVortex

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Madi, I'm so sorry you are hurting.  I wish I could take the pain away for you or tell you how to make it stop, but I can't.  The best thing I have found for pain is working with it and through it.  Trying to deny it or push it away to quickly only makes it hold on tighter.  Pray, read your scriptures, journal, cry, scream, exercise, doodle, paint or make music...whatever you can do to express those painful feelings and let them pour out.  In time--you will heal.  Better days will come, I promise.

[Mday16]

Thank you PolarVortex and LiterateParakeet for your kind words. I really appreciate the support and the time you took to respond. That means a lot to me. I told him when he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore that he needed to figure out how to get an annulment or divorce since it was his decision. But in sitting here the past two days, I decided to take control of my life and that I would be the one to file. I think in a way it will help me take back control of my life and help me to come to terms with it so someday i can find that person who will love me forever and I will be a whole person again when that time comes. Thank you again for your support. :)

[Jane_Doe]

Good to hear you're taking control Mday16.  Just remember that you can also be a whole person yourself.

[james12]

Just one comment. If you find that over the next little while he decides he has had a change of heart and wants to be with you again, don't go back. Make this cut clean. Your happiness and fulfillment in life does not need to be based on another person (particularly someone this unstable). Find happiness within yourself. When you do, you will be better prepared to find the right person and to be the right person. 

[ztodd]

We just had a lesson in church about how all the ordinances, up until the point of being sealed in the temple, are all individual ordinances- baptism, gift of the holy ghost, priesthood, initiatory and endowment in the temple.  Yes, even though the initiatory and the endowment make some definite references to a current or future husband or wife, it is still an individual ordinance- it blesses the life of each individual, regardless of their current marital status.  

 

I found this to be pretty enlightening- it is another witness to how we each have individual responsibility; personal accountability; how we ultimately cannot rely on another (except for the Lord Jesus Christ). Ultimately, we even cannot rely on a husband or wife to "pull us through"- it must be up to each of us individually to turn to the Savior for hope and healing in all of our hurting, and in all of our sins and our trials.

 

That said, looking forward for you, you'll have a chance to start over and find someone who will be the right one for you at this point in your life, and it is so important that you be "equally yoked" with that person.  This means you must be on the same page with all your values, goals, life perspectives, etc.  "Same page" might not mean 100.0%, but I believe it must be awfully close to that.  In the things that are most important, I believe it must be 100%.

Edited October 20, 2014 by ztodd

[omegaseamaster75]

You go to school on Sundays?

 

 

I am sure that you can find services if you really want to. You are making the right decision by taking charge of your life. Based on what you have told us you need to do this in order to progress. People don't change, this needs to be a life lesson he had demons before you married and he had them after. 

 

You are young with your whole life in front of you. My advise don't be selfish. It's not just about you. You think you know better than your parents but in this case it is obvious that you don't/didn't. They want whats best for you and have your best interests at heart. 

 

At 22 you get to hit the reset button, take this opportunity to examine yourself and your life decisions. Make the effort to do better in the future.

[yjacket]

People don't change, this needs to be a life lesson he had demons before you married and he had them after. 

 

People do change otherwise the Atonement is meaningless.  The whole of the Gospel is about change.

The question is will they change.  Some people will change on their own, some people change when life hits them upside with a 2x4, some people change as they mature, and some people don't change.

 

But to say that in general people don't change is so contrary to the gospel, well I don't know where to begin.  Will this individual change? . . . only God knows.

[omegaseamaster75]

People are who they are, think about the jerk from high school, think about the most annoying person you know, think about the most selfish person you know.

 

The jerk was always as jerk, the annoying person was always annoying and the selfish person was and will always be selfish. 

 

Can people change? sure but this requires a high level of self awareness which 99% of people don't posses.

[priesthoodpower]

All relationships have ups and downs, even the couples that you think are happy have struggled at some point in time. I think the problems in your marriage as you described does call for a divorce. Dont get too down on yourself, at 22 you are so young and have a full life ahead of you. Me and my wife did not seriously date anyone until we met each other, I was 25 she was 24, we got married a year later.

 

Maybe a change of scenery, location or state is neccessary for you to move on?

[avatar4321]

Some men can be fools. I can't imagine what you are going through. Rust in the Lord. Study your scriptures. Say your prayers. Seek direction and healing from Him. Especially if you can't go to church immediately. The Lord loves you

[Guest]

Mday, this is my view on love:

 

LOVE flows outwards.  It doesn't depend on anything coming inwards.  Therefore, when one loves completely, there are no conditions to it - that is, I cannot say that I can only love my husband IF he loves me back... IFs don't exist in what I feel for my husband.  My love for him is not conditioned on anything.  If I wake up tomorrow to find out my husband is a serial killer who only married me so he can kill me... I would still love my husband. 

 

But what is LOVE?  That's the question - because I don't think you and I have the same understanding of what that is.  Love, to me, is my intense desire, hope, and intent (choice) to bring a person with me to the journey towards joy - and that joy is founded on Jesus Christ.  It is not comfort, security, jittery feelings, sexual attraction... although, all that are great things to make my love for him easier to express.  It is as close as I can get to Christ's love for us - He loves us so much that even when the soldiers pierced His side He asked His Father to forgive them and went through the atoning sacrifice for them.  So that, if my husband was a serial killer, my love for him does not change but the way I can express it to him changes - I may have to leave him, put a restraining order on him, report his actions to the police, etc. because those are the things that can give him (and me) a better chance at getting closer to Christ.

 

So yes, love your husband.  But ponder and pray about what that means to you in the situation you are in now.