I'm sinning, but I don't have a desire to change? How do I find that desire?


audeoninja
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My girlfriend and I have been doing a lot of things lately that we shouldn't be. We both want to serve missions in a year, but right now we wouldn't be worthy. I've already talked to the bishop, but it hasn't made it any easier to change. I know I really want to go on a mission, but when we are together all I can think about is her body. What do we do? We've set boundaries for ourselves but we always cross them. 

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We all sin. But you have not received a mighty change of heart. A thorough feasting of the scriptures (Book of Mormon) and much prayer and fasting to come unto Christ will help. When the woman taken in sin was brought before Jesus, He did not condemn her. Instead, he told her to "go and sin no more." When we turn from our sins, he invites us to "come and follow me."

 

When we sin, He tells us to "go"

When we repent, He invites us to "come"

 

Ask and it shall be given. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and it shall be opened. 

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The comment from skalenfehl is right on target.  Your situation is not too different from an overweight person who really wants to diet but goes on binges after eating one cookie, or a drinker who tries to stay on the wagon but falls off at the thought of a beer, or compulsive gambler who wants to give up gambling but can't resist buying a roll of lottery tickets after getting a paycheck.  is this the kind of person you want to be?

 

But your situation is worse.  Dieters, drinkers, and gamblers can usually recover when they stumble.  What you're doing has the potential to change the rest of your life and and your girlfriend's life.  Your actions are sort of like throwing lighted matches at a pool of gasoline, trying to see how close you can get to the edge without everything exploding.

 

The short answer is that you will find the desire to change when you wake up to the fact that the long-term benefits of chastity before marriage outweigh the fleeting short-term pleasures.  That may seem incomprehensible to you now, but it's true.  The natural instincts within humans make chastity an effort.  However, you are a spiritual being with some drives to be tamed, not an animal that lives moment to moment with primitive desires for food and sex. 

 

It sounds like you are feeling sorrow for your actions, which is very good first step.  But your journey out of this problem requires more than one step. 

 

If you can't control your fleshly desires around you girlfriend, stop seeing her until you can.  This isn't rocket science.  I don't mean to sound so harsh, but the drive to reproduce is very strong in us and can't be controlled with platitudes and frivolous suggestions to focus your mind on holy things.

 

Good luck... you will need it.

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Stop dating each other. At the very least don't be alone together. I've been in your shoes, I didn't serve my mission because of the choices I made. I will forever regret that. If you continue to see each other, it's a given you will slip further and further, these urges are just too strong to control. You must avoid the situations which allow you to act on them.

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I read this and immediately thought of Jeffery R. Hollands talk "Place No More for Enemy of My Soul" (General Conference April 2010). 

 

"Above all, start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you. As those battling something like alcoholism know, the pull of proximity can be fatal. So too in moral matters. Like Joseph in the presence of Potiphar’s wife, just run—run as far away as you can get from whatever or whoever it is that beguiles you. And please, when fleeing the scene of temptation, do not leave a forwarding address."

 

It's not easy, It won't get any easier as time passes. Pray for a desire to change, pray for an eternal mindset that will allow you to see beyond the momentary pleasure and more at the big picture. Do NOT forsake your mission for this. You will regret it. Set your sights on the temple and let nothing deter you away from it. 

 

"Putting On The Armor of God" by Steven A Cramer changed my life. There are many books out there (Book of Mormon not excluded) that can help you gain a desire and the strength necessary for change. 

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Guest MormonGator

One of the worst parts about sin is it sort of builds on itself. It's like "well, I already did this, so..." We can easily rationalize away any bad behavior. I know it's hard my brother and I am far from perfect-but I'm praying for you. In the end, we only end up hurting ourselves. 

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You can overcome something like this- to do it, you must have the Spirit with you- every minute of every hour of every day.  Re-covenant to do that.  

 

You must pray earnestly morning, mid-day and night.  

You must study the scriptures- not laying down where you can fall asleep, but in a hard, un-comfortable chair.  Make yourself focus.  Make it like you're cramming for an exam.

Sing a hymn to yourself each day, do some praying in your heart throughout the day, do some preaching to yourself.

 

Have a serious talk with your girlfriend- right away- tell her you are going to make some changes in your life, and you are determined to do it.  Tell her that you cannot be alone together anymore- probably not at all until after you go on your missions. Tell her that one or both of you will probably feel a real loss at first- but tell her all these things you are going to do, and encourage her to do them also.

 

If you're serious about it then do these things.  Do them until you do not feel the lust controlling you anymore- then keep on doing these things.

 

You will see some serious blessings come into your life if you can do these things.  If you don't do them perfectly, don't fret too much but just keep on going, keep on trying, until you are doing them perfectly.  Your testimony of the Savior will increase, and you will come to know more of his love and of his power in your life.

Edited by ztodd
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Get away from the girl. If your lust for each other is overshadowing your desire to live righteously, it's not a good relationship, anyway.

 

Agree.

 

And it can only be lust - not love.  Because, love means you would desire that she receive the fullness of joy promised by Christ.  You wouldn't desire to jeopardize her righteousness just so you can slate your physical pleasure.  Right now both of you don't have any respect for your divine power of procreation as well as the ultimate expression of love for an eternal companion.  You don't see the pain that this causes, not just you, but more importantly her...

 

So, if you can't serve her and put her happiness high up in your priorities in that capacity, how can you expect to serve her in much bigger things that come in marriage?

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My girlfriend and I have been doing a lot of things lately that we shouldn't be. We both want to serve missions in a year, but right now we wouldn't be worthy. I've already talked to the bishop, but it hasn't made it any easier to change. I know I really want to go on a mission, but when we are together all I can think about is her body. What do we do? We've set boundaries for ourselves but we always cross them. 

You don't really want to go on a mission so you can stop saying that right now. 

 

A mission is not for everyone, and you can always serve later in life with your spouse. 

 

Dump her or commit to her. Those are your options.

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Ztodd,

I can see how my comments may be terse and seem harsh. The OP by his own admission is not doing the things necessary to change his pattern of behavior. Sometimes the truth is hard. If his feelings are hurt who's fault is it really?

Let's be honest a mission is not for everyone, it's just not and it does not seem like it is for the OP based on his pattern of decision making.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My girlfriend and I have been doing a lot of things lately that we shouldn't be. We both want to serve missions in a year, but right now we wouldn't be worthy. I've already talked to the bishop, but it hasn't made it any easier to change. I know I really want to go on a mission, but when we are together all I can think about is her body. What do we do? We've set boundaries for ourselves but we always cross them.

There are no "limits" when dealing with a force so wonderful as this one. Not unless your limits involve being in the room with one or more parents, or friends you know will help you live the commandments. Also, mentioning here suggests that you do have a desire to change. Sadly that change may mean a change that will hurt you both. Good luck. :)
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