LDS spouse now a non-believer

[MusicHeart]

I'm desperately looking for other couples in a marriage where one spouse has turned away from the church and having a huge faith crisis, but you are both trying to keep your marriage together,

I love my husband. We have been married for 18 years and have three kids. We were both raised in the church, he served a mission, married in the temple. Recently, my spouse told me he no longer believes in the church, that there are too many things that are inconsistent with it for him to continue believing. He hardly comes to church right now. He doesn't have hatred for the church, just really confused, depressed, and distant from the gospel. We both have talked a lot and are committed to our marriage vows and our family. As this is so new, ward members/bishop are unaware, our kids don't know yet, and our parents/siblings do not either. He is troubled with me continuing to take the kids to church because he really feels we are teaching them a false religion, but so far respects my desire to do so. I feel so alone with no one to talk to in my situation. How do we tell our kids? How can I keep raising them in the church and help them get their own testimonies while their father does not? How can we have a good marriage when we are on such different faith spectrums now? My heart is so heavy. I do not want to end my marriage--he is a good man and wonderful father. I don't want my kids to ever doubt that. He has also told me he doesn't want us to leave and that he loves me...that is one of his biggest fears and why he didn't tell me his feelings for so long. I hope someday his views will again soften for the church, but I know they may never as well. I just know I am not going to abandon our marriage.

We really want to make our marriage continue, but don't know how to navigate these uncharted waters. I would really like to hear from other men and women in this situation and what they have done. Thank you for listening.

[Backroads]

I don't know if the Faces East forum is still active, but it would be a good support for you. Faceseast.org

[Guest MormonGator]

My heart breaks for your situation. 

 

Doubt is a part of faith. The most sincere and devout believers often admit that they've doubted their faith before. I know I have. 

 

Don't look at it as an end to his faith life. We don't know what happens tomorrow. He could come out of it stronger and more sure of his beliefs than he was before. 

 

This doesn't effect his parenting/husband skills. He can still be a marvelous husband/father. In fact, this might make him even stronger-now that he is going through this if one of your children does he can walk them through the process. 

 

Don't give up on anything. It's sometimes harder to "stay the course" during a rough time than it is to make drastic life changes, but it's often times the best thing to do. 

 

You are in my prayers. 

[notquiteperfect]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  I'm not in your shoes but I found this group that might be helpful: 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/397658227006605/

 

Also, the way I see it since you were both on the same page going into marriage, he doesn't now get to complain to you about taking the kids, etc just because he's the one that's chosen a different path. 

 

You need support so I suggest you no longer delay reaching out to family/ward members.

 

All the best -

hugs

[Jane_Doe]

MusicHeart, I’m also married to a non-believer.  I can offer some advice,

 

 

 

...I love my husband....

 

 

Awesome!!  Keep doing that.  Admire the good qualities in him (like honesty, work ethics, he’s a good man, wonderful father, etc.).  Love is how you will make it through this (and you will make it through).

 

 

 

 

.... Recently, my spouse told me he no longer believes in the church, that there are too many things that are inconsistent with it for him to continue believing....

 

Something important to point out: your husband was open and honest with you about how he feels.  That honesty and that bond is a very good thing (even if what he said was unpleasant news and it took him a while to get there).

 

 

 

...We both have talked a lot and are committed to our marriage vows and our family...

 

Fabulous!!

 

 

..... He is troubled with me continuing to take the kids to church because he really feels we are teaching them a false religion, but so far respects my desire to do so....

 

Yes another good thing: he’s loves you and trusts you enough to lean on your judgment of child rearing, even though he’s questioning some things himself.

 

 

 

...I feel so alone with no one to talk to in my situation...

 

You’re not alone!!  You have the people here online, there are support groups, etc.  Not to mention the Lord Himself.  And you’ll actually be surprised how random people can be empathic and supportive, even though they might not have been in this exact spot themselves (or at least I was shocked at people’s abilities to show Christ-like love).

 

... [Questions on how/what to teach/tell kids]….

 

Before this all happened, did you and your husband tell your children what you believe and what you think is right?  Did you bring your most precious gems to the table to share with your children?   If so, why should that change now?  You (mom) tell them about what you love and believe in.  Your husband does the same.  Ok, so maybe a testimony of JS isn't among your husband's prized beliefs-- that’s ok, that's where his faith is now.  He’s still a wonderful dad and can teach them the many other good things that make him such a great man.

 I do not want to end my marriage--he is a good man and wonderful father.... I just know I am not going to abandon our marriage....We really want to make our marriage continue.

 

You sound like an amazingly brave person.  I admire that and will keep you in my prayers.  Keep it up: this can work, you WILL make it through.  If your husband finds faith again, it’ll be all that much stronger.  And if he doesn’t, you will be stronger still.  Remember: God only put weak things in our life so that they can be made into strengths. 

 

[MusicHeart]

I don't know if the Faces East forum is still active, but it would be a good support for you. Faceseast.org

Thank you.  I didn't know about that forum and have checked it out.  I think it will be a good help. 

[MusicHeart]

My heart breaks for your situation. 

 

Doubt is a part of faith. The most sincere and devout believers often admit that they've doubted their faith before. I know I have. 

 

Don't look at it as an end to his faith life. We don't know what happens tomorrow. He could come out of it stronger and more sure of his beliefs than he was before. 

 

This doesn't effect his parenting/husband skills. He can still be a marvelous husband/father. In fact, this might make him even stronger-now that he is going through this if one of your children does he can walk them through the process. 

 

Don't give up on anything. It's sometimes harder to "stay the course" during a rough time than it is to make drastic life changes, but it's often times the best thing to do. 

 

You are in my prayers. 

Your post gave me some peace, hope, and good perspective.  I am feeling much better today.  Thank you for your prayers and thoughtful comments. 

[MusicHeart]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  I'm not in your shoes but I found this group that might be helpful: 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/397658227006605/

 

Also, the way I see it since you were both on the same page going into marriage, he doesn't now get to complain to you about taking the kids, etc just because he's the one that's chosen a different path. 

 

You need support so I suggest you no longer delay reaching out to family/ward members.

 

All the best -

hugs

I didn't know about this site either.  Thank you for sharing that.  I am going to talk with him about approaching others.  Maybe finding some other women in my ward in my same situation would help alot too. 

[MusicHeart]

Something important to point out: your husband was open and honest with you about how he feels.  That honesty and that bond is a very good thing (even if what he said was unpleasant news and it took him a while to get there).

 

 

Yes another good thing: he’s loves you and trusts you enough to lean on your judgment of child rearing, even though he’s questioning some things himself.

 

Jane Doe,

 

Thank you for your insight.  I have reread this many times these past two days and they have been very comforting.  You are right about the honesty and openness.  I think one of the keys is for us to continually talk about it, and not let it fester. 

 

 

You’re not alone!!  You have the people here online, there are support groups, etc.  Not to mention the Lord Himself.  And you’ll actually be surprised how random people can be empathic and supportive, even though they might not have been in this exact spot themselves (or at least I was shocked at people’s abilities to show Christ-like love).

 

Just what I needed to hear...and be reminded of. 

 

 

Before this all happened, did you and your husband tell your children what you believe and what you think is right?  Did you bring your most precious gems to the table to share with your children?   If so, why should that change now?  You (mom) tell them about what you love and believe in.  Your husband does the same.  Ok, so maybe a testimony of JS isn't among your husband's prized beliefs-- that’s ok, that's where his faith is now.  He’s still a wonderful dad and can teach them the many other good things that make him such a great man.

 

You are right about that.  We both have things we can add to help our children grow. 

 

 

You sound like an amazingly brave person.  I admire that and will keep you in my prayers.  Keep it up: this can work, you WILL make it through.  If your husband finds faith again, it’ll be all that much stronger.  And if he doesn’t, you will be stronger still.  Remember: God only put weak things in our life so that they can be made into strengths. 

 

Thank you for the self-confidence booster and for your prayers.  I can make this work.  I am feeling much better than when I posted this.  Sunday was a really hard day...the first time he didn't go to any part of church and we had started being more open about his feelings.  I think time will help a little, and lots of prayers.  You post really helped me.  Thank you. 

[Canuck Mormon]

About 2 years ago I had this same conversation with my wife. The only difference is that we have no kids, but I do have a child from a previous marriage.

 

My wife was deeply concerned that I would want out of the marriage because of her new beliefs. This is what I said:

 

"I didn't marry you because you were a Mormon. I married you because of who you are. The church was just one of many things we had in common."

 

Do I feel sad when attending by myself? Sure, who wouldn't. But if anything, her faith crisis has brought us closer together. We talk about church things all the time. We have dissagreements, like anyone would, but we respect each others freedom to choose what they believe.

 

Glad to hear that you are commited to each other.

[Jane_Doe]

MusicHeat,

 

It's nice to hear back from you and that things are looking better.  We'll keep you in our prayers, and please feel free to keep talking to us, or even PM if you like. 

 

It is hard going to church alone: humans are social people after all.  But you can do!  I'd recommend finding a buddy at church to hang out with and talk with, just so you don't have to be alone (and in my case help manage my toddler). 

[Dravin]

How do we tell our kids?

 

That's really a discussion you need to have with your husband. A fundamental aspect of telling your kids what is going on with your husband is knowing what is going on with your husband. The only source for that is him. To be able to tell the kids, "Dad now..." you have to know what replaces the ellipsis.

 

Two additional aspects is that your husband has to be able to communicate what is going on with him (he may not understand it himself or know how to articulate it), and then you need to agree on how to characterize it. It's really easily for faithful members to characterize a loss of faith in ways that rub those they are talking about the wrong way, and that's something you'll want to avoid while still struggling to be honest in communicating with your children. If you bury it in euphemism and hope I can see it annoying your husband because it feels like you aren't recognizing what's happened* and it'll also likely annoy him if he feels he's being cast as a bad guy or a failure.

 

*If it starts sounding like you're describing it as a phase he's going through it doesn't recognize it as the fundamental paradigm shift he likely feels it is.

Edited November 20, 2014 by Dravin

[avatar4321]

I'm not sure why but I feel impressed to tell you to read the Book of Mormon. If your husband will read it with you even better.

I'm not sure why I am telling you that other that the Spirit is whispering it to me. But I know there is power in the Book of Mormon to remove the scales of darkness from our eyes and bring us to Christ.

[pkstpaul]

Ending the marriage won't solve the issue and will create 100 more.  I don't wish to sound trite, but don't want to write a dissertation either. What you are facing is better than most member/non-member marriages. At least your husband understands your faith. Now is the time to be the patient missionary. Set the example. Find happiness in the Gospel. Be sure you are not ignoring his needs, when being 'consumed' in the Church.  That is so easy to do. In other words, you need to be sensitive to doing non-church things to accomodate him; again, like other member/non-member marriages. 

[Misshalfway]

Let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid.  Ok?

 

I was the one in my marriage that wanted to leave the church.  And my husband has handled it like a champ.  He didn't over react.  And he didn't judge me.  In fact, on more than one occasion he told me he trusted me.  That one thing reinforced me more than anything.  Knowing he trusted that I was still a good person and that he knew I'd find the path way of truth because he knew who I really was.  What a gift he gave me!

 

I look back on those years now as some of the most important of my life...and the life of my marriage.  Husband and me...gosh we had some great conversations.  We didn't care so much about agreeing.  We just tried to practice seeing things from the other's point of view.  And that really helped. It made it safe to explore or even get things wrong in front of each other.  It felt so safe to be able to trust my husband to know I didn't believe in God or that I didn't trust the priesthood in the church or that I didn't understand if Jesus knew my name. All of it passed and resolved over time.  And I felt God walk with me through the whole thing and received more than one witness that it was part of God's plan for my life to experience all of it.  But to have my very orthodox, conservative husband walk with me through it to helped me feel so loved and so much less afraid.  

 

And I tried to do the same for him.  To be there when he talked about how hard it was to be married to someone who might leave the church or to think about the scary alterations that something like that would bring.  I look back now and I wonder if part of the reason it all happened was to teach the both of us how to love more.  Pretty cool, eh?  And I really cherish all the building that those experiences gave to my marriage.  Priceless.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Misshalfway