Parent Relationship


thewiltedlily
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My mom is a very controlling person, since I was little. We have butted heads our whole lives, and even after being married for 8+ years and having my own life and children, she continues to try getting into our lives and always wants to know where we are and what we are doing. She started to manipulate my 5 year old against me, and told me, and says really mean things to other people about my husband and myself which are not true she ever we talk her to step back. I have tried confronting her about things, I have tried ignoring mean thinGS that she does, I have tried being the first to say sorry (which she has never said to me)... And not I g has worked.

I decided that cutting contact was the road I had to take. It has been 5 months, and I have felt very at peace and I feel like I can now channel my strength and energy into the progression of my own family, and not stress about the issues which came with having my mom in my life. It has been a little hard on my oldest CHS, because of the relationship she had with my on (we live in the same town, and we would visit my parents at least 2 times a week or more). How can I make the transition easier? Is this the right thing for me to do for my famy? My sisters keep putting it into my head that we are suppose to be. 'Forever family', and basically that I am ruining that. But they don't know what it's like to be living In The same town, 5 blocks away from her.

Am I a horrible person to do this? Am I breaking up our family? Any advice?

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I have a wonderful cat.  I can tell him repeatedly not to vomit on my carpet or not to claw my mattress or not to sleep on my clean towels from the dryer, but his instincts are powerful and he does what he wants.  I've found that parents are often the same way.

 

But cutting ties with a parent is a last resort.  I would do almost anything to avoid it unless the parent is mentally ill or cruel.  Only you can decide whether your mother has crossed that line.

 

If I were you, I'd get family counseling and learn how to set limits, set rules, and set some sanity in the relationship with your mother.  And I'd be open to the possibility that your mom isn't 100% wrong here and they her side of the story is important, too.

 

I had a day of reckoning with my mom many years ago and forcefully renegotiated many of the rules that governed our relationship.  We reconciled and we have a wonderful relationship now.  I shudder when I think of how much poorer my life would be without having known her.  Certainly you need to protect yourself and your children, but patience and forgiveness and consistent boundary-setting can be the "open sesame" to many wonderful things.

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What's CHS?  And what does this phrase mean - " because of the relationship she had with my on".

 

My husband's mom is crazy.  Seriously.  But, we still love her very much and she's still in our lives.  But, we have rounded our kids and explained to them that grandma is a special person so she doesn't do things like we do.  And we set up boundaries.  When she gets to be too much, I close my eyes and remind myself that it is because of this woman that I now have a wonderful husband.  But my wonderful husband deals with her most of the time.  She's his mother and has learned how to handle her craziness.  This gives me the freedom to just be the loving daughter-in-law that will always love her no matter what.

 

We can't control what other people do.  We can only control how we react to them.

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I was thinking about writing a post very similar to the OP.  My mom is also overbearing and "just wants to help out" to an unwelcomed degree.  While it's tempting to just cut off contact, that is a short sided option.  

 

In my case, I'm trying to impose boundaries and enforce them.  Example, I just explained to her that we will NOT be seeing her for Thanksgiving (we'll be with the in-laws, and see my folks for Christmas).  She's not happy about it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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I was thinking about writing a post very similar to the OP.  My mom is also overbearing and "just wants to help out" to an unwelcomed degree.  While it's tempting to just cut off contact, that is a short sided option.  

 

In my case, I'm trying to impose boundaries and enforce them.  Example, I just explained to her that we will NOT be seeing her for Thanksgiving (we'll be with the in-laws, and see my folks for Christmas).  She's not happy about it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

 

We have this situation for Thanksgiving too!  But, I've been trying to talk to her for the past 2 weeks and she's been blowing me off, so I arranged to spend Thanksgiving with my family - my family is Filipino so we're not used to celebrating Thanksgiving so it's always been that we spend that day with my husband's American family.  So now she's bugging me about not going to her place for Thanksgiving... I just tell her to go talk to her son.  She calls my husband and my husband just says - No, we didn't change our minds.  This conversation will happen daily until Black Friday, I'm sure.

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"What's CHS? And what does this phrase mean - " because of the relationship she had with my on"."

Those were some of my many typeos, sorry. I ment to say 'daughter' instead of CHS, and 'because of the relationship she had with my mom'

I really think something is wrong with my mom. I tried talking to her about things and laying all the cards on the table, but it resulted in her attacking me with very mean words, when I came to her as her daughter trying to express my conserns. We have tried setting boundaries. For example, we said last year that we would be switching and be with them CHRISTMAS Day and with the inlaws Christmas Eve, but she told me that I am unfair because she wants to see us both days, and that I am always 'throwing my family under the bus' for my husbands family (which is not true... We practically saw them everyday, where we only saw my husbands family every few months). She is also very upset because I only wanted my husband in the roo. When I had my kids, and she had blamed this on my husband saying that he is the one who made me say that (...?). And she also said that she is glad that my husband just sold his gun, because she was worried that he was going to shoot us and himself 0_o my husband is the most faithful loving man I know who is deeply involved in church and in our family and was DEVISTATED that she would even say something like that at all.

I just don't know what to do. I have been in therapy for years to try figuring things out... I feel guilty when I disappoint her... But I don't think there is anything else I can do at this point. I am desperate to get out of her weirdness. I am just sad that it has come to this.

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Even lately since we have not been talking to her she will do weird manipulative things like have my sister come over and 'spy' on me, or when she know I am going somewhere because of my sister she will text/email me and say things like 'have fun at the restaurant tonight!' Or things like that to kinda say 'I still know what you are doing and you can't shut me out completely' sort of thing. She also will say mean things about me to my siblings that usually find their way back to me, and if I ask why she said that thing or what I can do to not have her think that about me she will act like she doesn't know what's going on or say 'I love you anyway!'...? Or if we get into an argument, she will come over the next day and bring doughnuts and act like nothing ever happened, which makes me feel like she is just dismissing my feelings and sweeping everything under the rug. She also ALWAYS refers to my children as 'her children', and thinks that because we don't see them as often now, that their whole life is going to be ruined. She said when they get older, she will tell them the 'real reason' they don't see them very often, and it's because I am taking them away from them because we like my husbands family more.

I just don't understand any of these things. It puts a strain on my marriage... Over half of the arguments my husband and I have are because of her. It's so stressful because she tries wiggling into every aspect of our lives on a daily basis. She even tried asking how much my husband makes at work and has said, 'don't worry, you will make as much as I do one day...' Who says that? For real.

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I just don't know what to do. I have been in therapy for years to try figuring things out... I feel guilty when I disappoint her... But I don't think there is anything else I can do at this point. I am desperate to get out of her weirdness. I am just sad that it has come to this.

 

You know what is right.  Don't feel guilty for doing what is right.  But at the same time, you need to sincerely forgive her for her weaknesses.  Yes.  Forgive her.  In your mind as well as in your heart.  70x7 times a day if needed.

Edited by anatess
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You need to be in charge of the conversations, when you say that you are going to spend xmas eve at the inlaws house you can't allow it to be brought up anymore. If you are visiting and she mentions it you leave. If you are visiting and she says something mean you leave, if she is visiting and says something inappropriate you ask her to leave. Or come up with an errand to run. Take the high road, a normal conversation with this type of person clearly does not work the only thing you can do is hope that she gets the message about whats out of bounds. I assume that she wants to see her grandchildren but it has to be on your terms.

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Yes I need to have more guts to set boundaries. It's just that I think she has been so manipulative of me for so long, that I feel SO GUILTY when I do say no to her. And what really kills me is that what my siblings have been telling me, that we are suppose to be a family, and love each other... But I can see now that I am coming out of the situation that she has been talking to them and saying things to them that are not true- but it makes me feel bad to think that they think I am breaking our family apart. Ugh! It's such a game with my own mind. So I take a stand and continue down this path that I have started to reclaim my life? Or so I just let it blow over? But the thing is that I don't want my kids to have any part of it or become a victim or used either. I have to protect them.

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For the family drama remember the following scriptures

 

D&C 42:22  Thou shalt love thy wife(Husband) with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her(him) and none else.

 

Matthew 10

34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword

35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

 

And since you asked also about forgiveness

D&C 64:10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

 

But it does not require you to be a doormat and continue to take abuse.  The Lord is more then happy to forgive us.  But that is not the same as allowing us to be in his presence.  For that he does require us to stop our abusive and self-destructive behavior (Or at least to be seriously trying to).  I think that is a perfectly acceptable standard to hold to.

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We have this situation for Thanksgiving too!  But, I've been trying to talk to her for the past 2 weeks and she's been blowing me off, so I arranged to spend Thanksgiving with my family - my family is Filipino so we're not used to celebrating Thanksgiving so it's always been that we spend that day with my husband's American family.  So now she's bugging me about not going to her place for Thanksgiving... I just tell her to go talk to her son.  She calls my husband and my husband just says - No, we didn't change our minds.  This conversation will happen daily until Black Friday, I'm sure.

 

Man do I hear you!  I told my mom we had other plans for Thanksgiving in *August*.... and she's still upset about it.

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This is something I have been really trying to figure out. What does it mean to forgive? And how do I do it? I have been taught about it my whe life is Church, but applying it is a whole different story! I want to feel like I have forgiven her but I don't feel that I have.

To forgive means to let go of the hurt and the need for "revenge", and let Christ handle the justice.  

 

What forgiveness does not mean is just being stupid.  Example: someone steals something from you.  They say they're sorry and you let it go-- quit being angry and forgive.  But I would still lock my door around said thief: to help them stay honest until they've overcome that temptation.   

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I can totally see that. But I think to my mother, I am not forgiving her unless I let her have her way and let things go back to her 'normal'. And maybe that's where I am confused. I know that that is not right... But again the guilt kicks in. I just need to bite the bullet and really pray and try to get rid of hurtful feelings while standing my ground. I think I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it because I am afraid that I will be looked on as an outcast from my family.

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I can totally see that. But I think to my mother, I am not forgiving her unless I let her have her way and let things go back to her 'normal'. And maybe that's where I am confused. I know that that is not right... But again the guilt kicks in. I just need to bite the bullet and really pray and try to get rid of hurtful feelings while standing my ground. I think I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it because I am afraid that I will be looked on as an outcast from my family.

 

Look at it this way: We're all trying to be Christ-like in how we treat others.  Christ respects a person's agency and offers forgiveness.  But when He forgave the adulterous women, He told her "Go and sin NO more".  He didn't say "Go and keep on doing what you're doing", but prompted her to change her behavior for the better.  You two want to improve your relationship: to do this you let go of past hurts, and change behaviors to be more Christ-like.  In mom's case being more Christ-like means respecting your agency, and in your case it means surrounding your anger over past mistakes.

 

As for this rest of the family: your relationship with your mom does NOT involve your sister.  Don't let your mom say "Sister Suzzy said..."-- that's just using Sister Suzzy as a bartering chip and is horribly disrespectful to Sister Suzzy and yourself.

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  • 1 month later...

There comes a time when mummy dearest must take a backseat and your family take priority. If cutting off ties is in the best interest for your family, that is what you do, no matter how upset this makes your mother. If you choose to remain in contact with her, YOU lay down some boundaries, and if those are not respected, evaluate how much involvement you want of her in your life.

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I know this is an old post and probably closed as far as the OP is concerned, but I have some input not considered in the previous responses.

 

The older I get the more I see genetics as being a prime driver in our person. We hear we are made up 50/50 of genetics and environment, but I have moved to believe more than 50% is genetics - more like 80%.

 

I think it important to keep that family relationship open so your children (and yourself) can learn the personality traits of the family and learn how to correct imperfections influenced by genetics.  I am sure there is some argument about what part of us is spirit and developed in pre-existance, etc. I am stating that my life experiences show a very definite vein of our behaviors are inherited and we CAN correct (or enhance) our behaviors when we are aware of them.

 

For the OP, I say you should curtail the influence of your mother, but not avoid it.

Edited by pkstpaul
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