Need to confess to priesthood authority?


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Hello, I've searched and found some topics slightly similar to mine but I wanted to get some opinions and insight from those of you here.

My wife and I have been married for almost ten years. Temple marriage, 2 kids, I served an honorable mission, life has been good to me. Let me preemptively state I am trying to take full responsibility for my actions. I am not blaming my wife for any of MY sins...having said that we have struggled with intimacy during our marriage. We have been to counseling per my request and by our former bishop's recommendation, which helped some. As time continued I made the mistake of allowing a (Mormon married) coworker to get too comfortable with me (and I to her). She kissed me, and regrettably I kissed her back. After it happened once I felt terrible and felt like gosh, now I've screwed up and so I allowed the kissing to continue on more than that occasion. Nothing other than kissing was involved (ie no petting, etc) After a week or so I finally came to my senses and broke things off with the coworker. We no longer work together, or see each other. I told her I needed to make things right in my life and so it ended. I prayed and repented on multiple occasions, I also fasted and refrained from taking the sacrament for 3 weeks. After that time period I felt great. I had asked for an answer to my prayers and without going into detail I really feel as though i got my answer. I still wish that I had never allowed that situation to happen (it was 6 months ago) but I feel as though it gave me new perspective on how much I really love and care for my wife and family. So, the questions I have are 1-is this serious enough of a sin to need to talk with my bishop, and 2-do I tell my wife?

Thanks in advance.

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You've answered your own question.  If you "take full responsibility" for your actions, you have done something that you consider serious.  What you have done is a sin.  Therefore, you have committed a serious sin by your own standards.  Certainly it's tempting to blow the whole thing off, but part of you can't do that or else you wouldn't be posting your question here.

 

Answer to question #1: Yes, talk to the bishop.  He will give you the answer to question #2, or will put you in touch with someone who can.

 

But I think you're in good shape.  Remorse and regret for past mistakes are the first tools we need to repair our lives.  Be happy your mischief stopped with your lips.

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Thanks for your reply. I think that one thing that I'm confused about is why I felt like I was given the answer that I was forgiven if I haven't talked to the bishop. It made me feel as though it was not necessary to talk to him. So I felt better and moved on. I ask the question about talking to the bishop to see if I'm overlooking something. In your opinion it appears as though I am, and you could be right. But then I'm just confused about the answer to my prayers earlier...

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The advise you get from me will be different form what you hear from others on this Board. Your "sins" stopped with kissing and you have broken off the "relationship". You prayed/asked for forgiveness, stopped taking the sacrament, and now generally feel pretty good about yourself. I say mission accomplished.

 

#1 I wouldn't talk to the bishop if it was me, but it's not. Talk to him if you want a sounding board or feel that greater admission of guilt is necessary.

 

#2 No way should you tell your wife, you have broken her trust this is not something that you can easily get back. Be smart do not throw your life or your wife's into turmoil for something that is done and over with. This is in the take it to the grave category for me. Let the Lord sort it out

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If I feel as though I'm forgiven, am i interpreting my answer incorrectly based off the sin (meaning if a married man kisses a woman other than his wife, is this sin "serious" enough that one loses their own priesthood authority or ability to hold a calling? I don't feel it is,but I'm also the one that committed the sin)?

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I tend to agree with omegaseamaster75 about not telling your wife.  Like I said, it stopped at your lips and didn't go farther, and I'd put it more in the "dumb mistake" category than in the "grave sin" category.  But I think confession (to a bishop) is good for your soul.

 

And confessing too much can backfire badly.  I don't want to make light of a serious situation here, but a few years ago I read about a husband who wanted to play a joke on his wife.  He got his boss to call the wife on the phone while he secretly listened in.  The boss told the wife that her husband had been fired from his job that morning after being discovered committing adultery with a coworker on a desk somewhere.  The wife became very upset and then got angry and blurted out, "My husband actually did this?  Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with his brother."

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In the spirit of one of Elder Packer's stories (the one about a kindergarten class deciding a kitten's gender by voting on it), I am going to cast my vote in with omegaseamaster. I don't think I'd take this one to the bishop, unless your bishop has specific professional training in relationship issues.

 

I don't know what you mean that you "have struggled with intimacy during [your] marriage." I don't know if we need to know. Could this incident need to be a wake-up call for you? I might be inclined, rather than calling the bishop, to call in a marriage and/or sex therapist and take your "struggles with intimacy" to someone trained in repairing marriage relationships. I might meet with this therapist myself at first, so I could "confess" and explain the situation from my point of view and express your desire to repair and strenghten your relationship with your wife. Then, follow your therapist's lead in bringing your wife into these discussions.

 

Some therapists, like Dr. Willard Harley, have a strict "Policy of Radical Honesty" which would include confessing to your wife. Others are less insistent, preferring to determine if such confession is likely to help or hinder rebuilding/strengthening/reconciling the relationship. This might be your catalyst for, not just confessing sin, but actually getting beyond those "struggles with intimacy" that you admit to and building an eternal marriage.

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The fact you are posing the question and torturing youself over the incident says you haven't forgiven yourself. Personnally, opening up to your bishop or wife will only exacerbate the issue. Some things (forgiven sins) you should let go, and if you can't let them go, take them to your grave.  Now, if you were to do it again...differnet story. As your wife, I'd castrate you. :)

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I feel as though I should move on. I've felt that way regarding the issue ever since I prayed,fasted, refrained from the sacrament and changed my actions. However, since I've been married in the temple I understand I should be held to a greater responsibility to my marriage and wife. I didn't know if based off that I would be required to talk to the bishop about this sin in order to be fully repentant. Am I looking too much into this and should just continue to trust my gut that keeps saying move on, but don't ever do that again?

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Repentance is between you and the Lord, only the Lord can forgive you and wash your sins away. However the Lord also implemented a process of repentance and it involves the Bishop. The Bishop is your spiritual leader and has a more clear conscious of your situation, I would advise you to tell your Bishop that you have fasted, prayed and received confirmation of repentance, the Bishop will then ponder about it and let you know if all is well.

 

geeez, man I had my ups and downs with porn but nothing like physical contact with another woman, they are both wrong and both need to be confessed.

 

good luck bro!

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Talk to your bishop immediately, and let him guide you. I think you will eventually have to tell your wife. I think you owe that to her. But let your bishop guide you so that this does not devastate her. That's my opinion, anyway.

I agree with Vort.

I think for reasons of trust and loyalty you're going to have to tell your wife at some point. But some wise and inspired counsel is almost certainly needed. You're in a covenant relationship with your wife and the Lord. That means to me that there should be no secrets.. And also that this is serious. The Lord may well have already forgiven you. But what about your wife? She may well need the opportunity to do so as well. But... As others, i'm just giving what I believe to be my best advice with my limited understanding. I'm not your bishop, and so, am not entitled to specific revelation in your behalf. Your bishop is. That's his stewardship.

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Omega is mostly right on this one.  Whether or not to confess to the bishop is dicey here.  I would probably not...If I had done the steps you have done to repent, and I felt like I was truly forgiven.  I do not want to diminish the sin, but on the other hand your bishop could really blow it up.  

 

I say this because this is take it to the grave type stuff where your wife is concerned.  There is no benefit in telling your wife about this.  If you were addicted to porn, had physical intimacy with the other woman, committed adultery, then your wife has a right to know.  But this instance isn't one of them.  

 

However, if you do it again, then there are greater problems/issues and full confession would have to be made to bishop and wife.  

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Yeah it is a tough one and I am trying to think what I would do.

 

First, what you did was wrong. You broke God's laws in numerous ways, starting with inappropriate relationship with someone other than your wife, which led to you thinking about this person, lust, then physical intimacy. It just snowballed on you because from the very start you did not stop yourself from dwelling on the thoughts. Anyway, you know all this and I hope you learned from it.

 

The thing that bugs me about the situation, however, is that you might be alright with the Lord, He knows your heart and your repentance. But you are not alright with you wife. You sinned against her as well. You broke your solemn marriage vow to her and have not asked her forgiveness. You're afraid of what she might do, as anyone would be afraid, but for the rest of your life you want to think of your transgression against her when you see her. Repentance is about repairing  - not only repairing yourself, your relationship with God, but also with the person you wronged. Would you expect to have committed a theft and not returned what you stole? You get the point.

 

Now that's my thoughts, but I don't know what I would do. That would be terrifying and may have drastic consequences. Did she not notice that you were fasting and stopped taking the sacrament? What did you tell her? Did you have to lie to her? What will the next lie be? What if the other woman decides she really wants you or she wants to get you in trouble and she tells your wife? This is going to be the toughest decision you might have to make, so you most certainly should consult your bishop. He is your judge in Israel and will know what to do.

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I'm surprised when I hear people say "don't tell your wife."  It's so interesting.  Would all of you who answered this way feel the same if your spouse had done this to you?

 

I guess I just really don't agree.  It feels like such a garden of eden move.  "Hurry!  Put on fig leaves and hide."

 

 

If I charged up the credit card, should I do the same thing?  don't tell husband.  Just secretly pay it off.  Don't let him know.  If I drink a little Schnopp's on the company trip while I"m out of town, just don't tell.

 

If I were the wife, I can't tell what would hurt more.  The affair or the lie.

 

 

I'll ask the original poster.  So Nate.  If you're wife did this, would you wanna know?  

Edited by Misshalfway
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If you feel like the Lord has forgiven you, I mean you honestly feel that way, then accept it and let the guilt go.  Seeing the Bishop is something that we do when we need help getting back on the right path.  The Bishop doesn't provide absolution for your sins. 

 

As for whether or not to talk to him, use discernment.  Pray about it, see if the Spirit prompts you to do so.  Be open to the answer.  

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  • 4 weeks later...

As I understand it, repentance has 6 steps:

 

Recognize what you did was wrong

Regret doing it

Make a full confession to God an anybody you acted against

Make restitution for what you did / undo it to the exent that you can / make up for it, make it right.

Resolve to never do it again.

Ask for forgiveness.

 

The purpose of those steps is to reconcile the damanged relationship.  It sounds like you did that with your relationship with God, but you are keeping a terrible secret from your wife and is not that eating you up?  I think you need to tell her and make it up to her, and she needs to see your regret, know that you 'get it' now, and that you have changed into somebody who will not do it again.  It may be a rough road but in the end you two can come out stronger than before. 

 

This does not strike me as the kind of thing that would lead to formal church dicipline, but it may be helpful for you and your wife to involve the Bishop in working through this.

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Some men need more spontaneouity in their life than others. Most therapist when asking adulterers about the "Why?" they did it receive a "it just makes me feel so alive." We get it meeting a cute new girl is pretty exciting--oops your married. Yeah the best thing you can do is when you recongize you have feelings for a women to distance yourself immedaitely.

 

Like when I moved into a new ward and this other women greeted me and showed all the signs of being a bit too interested. I told me wife that we need to just avoid her if at all possible.

 

I wouldn't tell the Bishop yet, but I would tell my wife. Simply fair to say you would want to know if she kissed another man right? You involving yourself with another women shows lack of empathy and connection with your wife, which is the true problem. You"ll be fine, just learn from your mistake.

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  • 1 month later...

It's up to you of course. Me? I would tell both the Bishop and my spouse. I think honesty is essential to marriage. I would want my spouse to tell me! Would I be upset? Definitely. Would I divorce? Probably not, at least not without giving marriage counseling and Bishop meetings a good try, along with prayer and fasting. I would also want to meet both with the Bishop and my spouse. Bottom line is, tell the Bishop and he will direct you through inspired counsel. It might be easier to tell your wife after telling the Bishop, he should give you essential advice. I have been in a similar situation but different sin. I questioned not telling the Bishop, rationalized, made excuses, thought maybe I really don't need to. It added to my reasons for going inactive. Well, I finally did tell the Bishop and what a burden made light! I felt SO much better. I did not worry anymore. I did not convince myself anymore- because I knew. I wish I had told the Bishop much sooner. It might not be a question of God forgiving already or not, it might be a question of what do you need to do to forgive yourself? My two cents.

Edited by Treble.clef
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 So, the questions I have are 1-is this serious enough of a sin to need to talk with my bishop, and 2-do I tell my wife?

Thanks in advance.

 

I think the better question to ask is How do I tell my wife?It may be that somewhere on this forum there is someone who has been in a similar situation as you are, and has had the experience of telling their spouse something difficult, and they may be able to give you some helpful advice.

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  • 3 months later...

I am of the opinion that vort is a very smart person and may have attained such wisdom from witnessing the various situations that others have gone through.

 

Adultery is a serious sin and should be talked about with your Bishop as well as having your wife present when you do. Yes, you have broken a promise to your wife *AND* the Lord, and the longer you go without telling your wife what happened the more it will hurt her when she does find out, whether that's in your time on earth or at your Judgement and how much the knowledge of this affair will hurt her is up to you.

 

Omegaseamaster75 is advocating for the easy solution and not the right one, this is the same thing that Lucifer did before he was cast from heaven with a third of the hosts. Lucifer said he would make us all obey him and return to God as perfect as when we left (doing what was easy), but God's plan was for us to exercise our agency and *CHOOSE* to come back to Him ourselves (doing what is right).

 

You say you served an honorable mission, so you should already know what you should do, if you're still not sure, then reflect back to your days as a missionary and ask yourself what your mission president would have told you if you had done this as a missionary.

 

I have given you my advice and now the *CHOICE* is up to you. Do what is *RIGHT* or do what is *EASY*.

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Well, this is an old thread, and I suppose the op is long gone.  And done with this.

But.

I cannot understand how people say don't tell the Bishop.  That should be done.  If the Bishop says it's no big deal, ok. 

The wife must be told.  This is a sin against the marriage and the wife. 

There can be no amends made without telling the wife and suffering the consequences.

But I think the underlying problem here is this 'problem with intimacy' in the marriage.  That also has to be dealt with.

dc

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