I don't know anymore...

[Wonderkid]

I've recently gotten married to the women I love, and since we got married I noticed she isn't the woman I thought her to be. I am in no way saying I am perfect, I am far from it. I know I got my faults, I know that I am immature, and hard to talk to but I try. I try for her.

 

When we were engaged, we had a small argument concerning trust, where I told her something personal, a struggle I was going through, and she used that struggle as a weapon and pretty much made me feel like something was wrong with me because of that struggle. After that instance, she lost my trust and I let her know it. Well she couldn't marry a man who didn't trust her, she threw the ring at me and left. I of course chased after her, scared that I would lose her for being honest. I caught up to her, and she changed into this nasty person who isn't my Love. She yelled at me, threatened me to change or she would go. I know I have problems, and I am sincerely trying to change them, but threatening to leave me after we announce our engagement to our friends and family...I have this feeling she planned this from the start to force me to be someone I am not. 

 

Fast forward a month, and we are married. We live together, and the magic was back. The trust was there again. But again, tonight, she shuts down on me, and I realize that I am not happy. I realize that I will never be happy with her. I married her because she made me feel special, she made me feel like it was alright to be a man of faults. I felt safe and secured, and was absolutely sure that this women would have my children, and we will be together for all eternity. But now, now it feels like she never cared for me. She just does her own thing, and I have to move aside to let her do what she wants. It's all about her, and I am not exaggerating. We do everything she wants. Its her way, or the highway. I love her, but I know deep down, she won't make me happy - which I know sounds ridiculous but its how i feel. I don't ask for much, I just want a women to be by my side, who will be there whenever I need her, and I obviously would do the same, but the marriage I'm in now, It's all one sided. I have no one to lean on, while she me and my entire family at her disposal. 

 

I'm scared of getting a divorce because I know deep down, if I leave her, I will lose all faith in finding love again. How can I trust again, when the women i love betrayed me? This relationship has also caused me to question my faith. I know its dumb to base the strength of your faith off of life but it's hard to not connect the two when your prayers where answered in the form of this individual. I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I was meant to be alone, or possibly, nothing at all to begin with.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Wonderkid, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I would like to encourage you to talk to someone about this...I mean someone in your real life.  Your Bishop would be a good place to start.  Maybe even some short term therapy.  (I am a big proponent of therapy because it has helped me so much.)  I sense a lot of bigger issues in what you have written here.  

 

I don't think you were meant to be alone, or unhappy.  But I do think the scope of what you need is beyond what you can get from strangers (meaning us).  

[Crypto]

It's not comforting, but this is a common phase through which most relationships will go through to a lessor or greater degree. Both Husband and Wife will need to work through it, to accept each other for who they are. Most couples develop true love, agἀpe, over time, and it takes work. Eros is what attracts them to each other. *  

 

My recommendation is similar to LiterateParakeet, find some counsel. Do Not vent to parents, friends, or colleagues about it. (There are always exceptions to this, but don't expect them to be a therapist, and it can cause more trouble) 

 

Invest maybe in the languages of love book that is sometimes recommended. Read it together and practice it together. Hey Just like Scriptures right ;D !

[Guest]

When Christ said, Love One Another, he didn't say, Unless they are not what you expect... Christ's commandment to love is to love without conditions... to lose one's self in service of another.  When Christ was hanging on the cross and was in despair for God has removed Himself from Christ to complete the Atonement... he cried out, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.  This is Love. Complete.  And this love is epitomized in the marriage covenant.

 

So, this is how I would see it... of course, I'm just guessing because this is your personal revelation... but I think God blessed you with this particular wife so that you can grow in your testimony of that Love that is Christ's.

[Vort]

Short form:

 

You and your wife both are not much more than immature children in adult bodies. Don't run away; love each other and progress together.

 

Long form:

 

I've recently gotten married to the women I love, and since we got married I noticed she isn't the woman I thought her to be.

 

She isn't the woman you thought she was. And you aren't the man she thought you were. You aren't even the man YOU think you are. This is the nature of our lives in this sphere. We are constantly revealing ourselves to each other (and to ourselves). "I love you" doesn't mean "I accept you so long as you are exactly who I thought you were and you don't change, ever."

 

When we were engaged, we had a small argument concerning trust, where I told her something personal, a struggle I was going through, and she used that struggle as a weapon and pretty much made me feel like something was wrong with me because of that struggle. After that instance, she lost my trust and I let her know it.

 

In retrospect, you would have done much better to deal with this issue THEN, rather than papering over it. Consider it a tough lesson that you have, hopefully, now learned.

 

Well she couldn't marry a man who didn't trust her, she threw the ring at me and left. I of course chased after her, scared that I would lose her for being honest.

 

Yep, that was a very big mistake. If she chucked the ring at you and walked away, you should have let her go. If she requires you to come get her every time she throws a tantrum, that's signing up for a lot of abuse.

 

But it's done now, so look forward rather than back.

 

 

 

 

 

I caught up to her, and she changed into this nasty person who isn't my Love. She yelled at me, threatened me to change or she would go. I know I have problems, and I am sincerely trying to change them, but threatening to leave me after we announce our engagement to our friends and family...I have this feeling she planned this from the start to force me to be someone I am not.

 

Let me reveal to you the deep, dark secret of how to deal with such behavior:

 

Refuse to deal with it.

 

Don't get nasty, don't retaliate, don't yell and carry on. SImply say, "Nope, not gonna happen." And mean it. Such actions are dishonest, so say that you will not be dishonest. You will change as YOU see fit, not as SHE sees fit. If you agree with her that your behavior or demeanor or actions need to be changed, then do so. Otherwise, don't.

 

Honestly, it's as simple as that.

 

Now, there will be consequences. She might leave you. She might divorce you. She might hate you. You have to be willing to accept any of these outcomes, because she is a child of God and an agent, just like you, and she gets to choose. And if you're going to go this route, it will require you to be brutally honest with yourself and openly admit when you're wrong. So it's not an easy course to follow. But it is very simple.

 

Fast forward a month, and we are married. We live together, and the magic was back. The trust was there again. But again, tonight, she shuts down on me, and I realize that I am not happy. I realize that I will never be happy with her.

 

Baloney. The two bolded parts contradict each other.

 

Here is a News Flash: When your wife is unhappy with you and acting all cold and (frankly) like a jerk, you will not be happy. This is a fact of married life, and the basis for such aphorisms as "Happy wife, happy life" and "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

 

Yes, it's unfair. Yes, it's stupid. But it's also The Way It Is. Cursing reality doesn't change reality, or even hurt its feelings.

 

The good news is that it encourages you to go outside yourself a bit, work to be a little more unselfish to help out your wife. Don't back down from your principles or act in a cowardly or shameful way. But if you can help her feel happier and more secure in your love, then do so. Do it even if it's unfair, even if it costs you something.

 

I married her because she made me feel special, she made me feel like it was alright to be a man of faults. I felt safe and secured, and was absolutely sure that this women would have my children, and we will be together for all eternity. But now, now it feels like she never cared for me. She just does her own thing, and I have to move aside to let her do what she wants. It's all about her, and I am not exaggerating.

 

Actually, I expect you are indeed exaggerating. She's a newlywed wife, exploring the new space she's found and trying to figure out her place in it. You need to figure out your own boundaries, ideally no later than yesterday, and then establish those boundaries firmly.

 

Your feelings of despair are painful and probably a bit (or a lot) overblown, but the actual experiences you're having with your wife really just aren't that unusual for a young newlywed couple.

 

We do everything she wants. Its her way, or the highway.

 

Have you discussed this with her?

 

I love her, but I know deep down, she won't make me happy - which I know sounds ridiculous but its how i feel.

 

It doesn't sound "ridiculous" so much as it sounds "selfish".

 

Now don't misunderstand. I married with the idea that I would be happier with my wife than without her. And on the whole, that has been far more true than I could have understood. But my wife doesn't "make" me happy. That's my job.

 

I'm thinking if you try viewing things from your wife's perspective, you might see things differently.

 

I don't ask for much, I just want a women to be by my side, who will be there whenever I need her, and I obviously would do the same, but the marriage I'm in now, It's all one sided. I have no one to lean on, while she me and my entire family at her disposal.

 

I am truly not without sympathy for you. I understand how painful and difficult this is for you.

 

But you need to take a larger view of this. You have receded into your bubble, and that's your only reality. Part of being an adult man, especially a married man, is the willingness to step out of your bubble and take another's viewpoint. Please give it a try.

[mdfxdb]

You saw her personality flaws, and then married her anyways?

 

Time to follow some of the advice given previously here.  

 

Don't be so shocked she isn't a perfect person, guess what..you're not perfect either. 

[yjacket]

Congratulations, you've finding out something that is lost on the young generation.  Marriage is hard and it takes a lot of hard work.

 

To paraphrase Rocky, Life ain't all rainbows and sunshine, and life isn't about how hard you can hit, it's about how much you can take and keep pushing forward.

 

If you truly want to have a marriage that works it will take a lot of hard work, sacrifice, diligence, tears, sweat, frustration and happiness and it will more likely than not take years upon years to achieve what you want. And this will be regardless of who you marry.

 

Taking two different individuals who have completely different ways of processing things (male and female) who were raised completely differently who have different experiences, etc. is growth waiting to happen.

 

Conflict is simply growth wanting to happen.  

 

It is your choice to be committed to her.  You married her, she is your choice, there is no other.  Love her with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.  Eliminate the outs, do not entertain thoughts of divorce or marrying someone else, all you do is trade one set of problems for another.  Start reading marriage books, there are plenty of marriage books out there and websites, marriagebuilders.com for example.

 

You've been married for what a month?? and thinking about divorce man this younger generation . . . unless it's one of the As (adultery, abuse) learn to put forth the sweat, blood and tears that are required to make a marriage work.

 

Oh and if that struggle you told her was porn . . . her reactions are probably normal, woman do not react well to having the man in their life looking at porn (which I could certainly see a woman who was engaged throwing a ring at the man after finding out he struggles with porn) . . .if that is what it is.

Edited December 9, 2014 by yjacket

[mrmarklin]

You saw her personality flaws, and then married her anyways?

 

 

 

 

Well......this^^^^

 

But personally, as an above average Poker player, I would cut my losses on this short marriage and stop "throwing good money after bad".

[Misshalfway]

It does sort of seem like you are swinging from extreme to extreme, at least in your descriptions.   And it's interesting that your definitions of what makes things good has only to do with whether or not your wife is able to make you feel good. Like it's somehow her fault you don't feel good sometimes.  Or that it's her fault for not solving your shame problem.   Or like it's her responsibility to make sure you never feel bad ever again.

 

Frankly, that's a lot to lay at the feet of any new spouse.  Having a helpmeet is a great thing that does provide  a lot comfort and support.  But if you've objectified her into the source of all of your emotional comfort and given her the responsibility to keep you feeling "high", then sweets, you might have a bigger problem than just whether or not you married "the right one".  Yeah, it wasn't all that mature to throw the ring at you, but then again, I wasn't there.  I don't know what you said that triggered such a response.  I'm with others.  If you've got a porn history or a drug history or a another potentially disturbing history, you gotta understand that these things scare people.  It's kinda interesting to me how you expect her to react perfectly and balanced and to always respond in a way that comforts you, but you don't seem to see how you might be overreactive or how you might not be responding in a comforting way to her.  

 

My gut tells me, you could use some counseling.  It might be good for you to look at  how you cope with imbalanced emotions and why you seem to need other people to regulate those emotions for you.  I certainly don't think your answer is getting another wife.  If you are doing this stuff now, you'll just take that pattern with you and get disappointed when your next girlfriend can't be your  24/7 soother.

[Wonderkid]

I'm sorry for posting this and never replying, I've been reflecting since I made this post. First and foremost, I would like to thank you all for your input. 

 

The thing I confessed was not pornography, or a drug addiction. All things considered, when it comes to the commandments, I am okay. The problem is psychological. I have a strong urge to do something, that isn't safe, or legal. The reason i confessed this was because my urges have gotten stronger as of late, and if I were to marry this women, I needed her to know what goes on in my mind. 

 

As for relying on her to make me happy. One thing I want to make clear, my wife's happiness has always been a priority for me. I do everything in my power to make her happy. I don't do anything to get things back in return. In all honesty, I've done so many things in my past (I am in no way denying the power of the atonement) that still loom over my thoughts. I know this is ridiculous to say, but I honestly, don't deserve happiness. I've come to realize that the reasons I feel upset with her is because of the betrayal I feel when things go wrong.

 

I married young (21 years old) and there are things that I do that are a little on the childish side (I read comic books, still play Pokemon,...okay and i still watch cartoons) but I try my best to be the man that can support, and love his family. Honestly, my drive is her. I want the best for her, and I would do anything for her. 

 

I've come to accept who my wife is. Yes, she has a tendency to want things done her way, and that's fine as long as I feel that it is reasonable. Some questioned why i married her after I saw who she was, and the reason is simple. I love her. I feel stupid considering divorce. That is not the solution. My wife loves me, and I am not going to let little fights get in the way of our happiness. I may not be the man i want to be yet, but I know with time, I will be that man and more, because i am willing to love unconditionally. Plus, my wife likes watching Invader Zim with me, and well, that's all I'll need.  :)  

[pkstpaul]

First rule of making a marriage work... your spouse is ALWAYS right. Not you...the other spouse.

 

Put aside your childish (not immature) ways.  You chose to marry. You chose to sacrafice.

 

Millennials are lazy. We've gone through too many generations without sacrafice (no wars or depression). 

 

Not sure what it takes to get a banned post, so I'm biting my tongue.

[believingisachoice]

Wonderkid, I'm sorry you are going through this. Here's my opinoin.
 
Obviuosly having a fight and throwing the ring back in your face is not good. But what is worse is that you were trying to do the right thing by being honest and open with her about a struggle you faced (pornography, word of wisdom, depression, etc.) and she got upset and weaponized your vulerable moment to control you. When you tried to assert yourself when you told her "that you didn't trust her anymore" she knew you were a white-knight and said "Well I can't marry anyone that doesn't trust me" (although that is a good point) however she going right to the juggular with the ultimatium, she knew, he would come crawling back. That was probably not the first time you did either if I had to guess.

 

"I married her because she made me feel special." Translation: I married her because she paid attention to me and gave me dophamin spikes daily. Falling in love is the easy part Kid, but staying in love is what seperates the men from the boys in relationships.

 

If you know that you cannot be happy with her no need to dragging it on. Best advice would be, be honest and vulerable with her and if she trashes you and degrades you for being hoenst and vulerable know that you have someone that struggles with empathy. And empathy is the living waters that couples absolutely need to go to time and time again in a successful marriage. Good luck.

[believingisachoice]

First rule of making a marriage work... your spouse is ALWAYS right. Not you...the other spouse.

 

Put aside your childish (not immature) ways.  You chose to marry. You chose to sacrafice.

 

Millennials are lazy. We've gone through too many generations without sacrafice (no wars or depression). 

 

Not sure what it takes to get a banned post, so I'm biting my tongue.

 

You're clearly a white knight and proposing to a young man to neglect his needs is outright irresponsible. And your agruement makes no logical sense. Is his spouse right if she starts physically abusing him? I guess she is ALWAYS right by your logic. This type of self determentialism is exactly why we have so many trolls on these threads.  And your comment about millenials is asinine. The US has been at war for 14 years and been economically changelle since 2008, so 7 years. Just go back to your cave.

Edited January 23, 2015 by ActiveLDSDadandFather

[pkstpaul]

You're clearly a white knight and proposing to a young man to neglect his needs is outright irresponsible. And your agruement makes no logical sense. Is his spouse right if she starts physically abusing him? I guess she is ALWAYS right by your logic. This type of self determentialism is exactly why we have so many trolls on these threads.  And your comment about millenials is asinine. The US has been at war for 14 years and been economically changelle since 2008, so 7 years. Just go back to your cave.

My, you are a charming Saint.

[eli.will]

First rule of making a marriage work... your spouse is ALWAYS right. Not you...the other spouse.

 

This may work in your relationships, however, I feel of every set of people ALWAYS let their spouse be right, they would end up in situations similar to my own. Granted, they may not have mental difficulties to deal with. But if you tell a person they are right all the time they get petulent. If they are 4 or 45 it does not matter.

[pkstpaul]

This may work in your relationships, however, I feel of every set of people ALWAYS let their spouse be right, they would end up in situations similar to my own. Granted, they may not have mental difficulties to deal with. But if you tell a person they are right all the time they get petulent. If they are 4 or 45 it does not matter.

I wasn't really being literal. The point is to not argue trivial matters. People in young relationships are often petty about things as they try to learn the "living together" roles. I remember arguing about ziploc bags and being upset that my spouse used them instead of fold over baggies. One day, much later, I was looking at the box of bags on the grocery store shelves and saw they were $1.95 or something like that. I thought to myself, 'why did I ever think $1.95 was important enough to make a deal about it?'  In the OP's case, the spouse's choice of music on Sunday morning is not something to cause an argument - especially as you are about to go out in public. A older married spouse would roll their eyes (to themself) and say (to themself) 'this too shall pass'.

 

I told the baggie story to some friends one day twenty years later and my spouse responded "I never knew that", telling me it was even less important than I thought, as I carried that with me for a long time (still do I guess).

[Guest]

Husband or Wife?  Who gets to be right?

Elementary answer:  The wife.

Collegiate answer:  Neither.

 

And that's the truth of the matter.  Neither the husband nor the wife gets to be right.  CHRIST is right.  Therefore, for a husband and wife to become one, they both need to measure their decisions on what is Christ's instead of what is their spouse's.  If the interest of peace (like in the example of Ziploc bags), leads closer to Christ, then work for peace.  But, if the interest of peace (like in the example of physical abuse), leads farther from Christ, then work for change even if it rocks the peace boat.  Because, what use is a peacefully united couple that is closer to hell than heaven?

Edited January 27, 2015 by anatess

[omegaseamaster75]

 

I married young (21 years old) and there are things that I do that are a little on the childish side (I read comic books, still play Pokemon,...okay and i still watch cartoons) but I try my best to be the man that can support, and love his family. Honestly, my drive is her. I want the best for her, and I would do anything for her. 

 

Whats a Pokemon?

 

I must be old......

 

Cartoons? really......did she marry a man or a little boy?

 

You made a big boy decision now its time to wear big boy pants......Vort posted excellent advice. I second what he said

[Vort]

For the record, I see nothing wrong with the Pokemon attraction. It's not my thing, but I'm not 21, either, and didn't grow up with Pokemon.

[The Folk Prophet]

Watching cartoons, etc., does not have anything to do with being a man or not. Providing for one's family physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, with selflessness, service, care, tenderness, sacrifice, etc... Those are the characteristics that make a man a man.

[Guest]

Watching cartoons, etc., does not have anything to do with being a man or not. Providing for one's family physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, with selflessness, service, care, tenderness, sacrifice, etc... Those are the characteristics that make a man a man.

 

I thought it was pee'ing while standing up.

 

I kid! 

[omegaseamaster75]

Watching cartoons, etc., does not have anything to do with being a man or not. Providing for one's family physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, with selflessness, service, care, tenderness, sacrifice, etc... Those are the characteristics that make a man a man.

I agree watching cartoons and playing with toys is fine everyone needs a hobby......Once you house is in order, given the things that have been described by the OP his house is not in order so these things have to go.

 

Priorities are what makes a man as you outlined providing for, temporally and spiritually, service, caring, tenderness......

[Vort]

I thought it was pee'ing while standing up.

 

I kid! 

 

Reminds me of a great joke about Adam and Eve. Remind me to tell it to you next time you see me.

[PolarVortex]

Reminds me of a great joke about Adam and Eve. Remind me to tell it to you next time you see me.

 

 

So I Googled "adam and eve pee standing up"... and now I sort of wish I hadn't... but you're right, Vort, that is a great joke.  Jokes with totally unexpected punch lines are the best.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Wonderkid, what you are describing isn't really all that unusual for a new marriage.  Marriage puts people into a situation where their flaws come out and create problems, but that provides the motive to change and become better.  This is your opportunity to learn to really communicate with your wife, to explain to her gently and lovingly your concerns and work together to find solutuions.  It's a new skill set you both need to develop and it may not go well at first but if you hang in there and both get good at it you will have an AMAZING marriage.  Here is a tip:  Don't make accusation like 'you are always __________' , use 'feel statements' like 'when you do _________ it makes me feel __________, this isn't good, how can we fix this?'

 

Don't get discouraged and think that things will always be exactly the way they are now and she'll never give you the affection that you want.  You both need to teach each other how to love each other the way each of you needs to be loved.  It will take time and practice and even some study (there are a number of good books on marriage out there)  That also means you need to do your part to improve yourself and that is where most of your focus needs to be.