Allowing your child to make choices?


Bini
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At what age did you start allowing your child to make his or her own choice on certain things? I'm amazed at how smart my three-year old is. The leaps and bounds in maturity and understanding from a year ago to now, is seriously mind blowing, I can't believe the strides she's taken. Obviously, she's still a child and needs mummy's and daddy's direction in many things, if not being told exactly what to do.

 

So I've started letting her pick out her own clothes. Doesn't sound like an awful big deal but I'm a total control freak and in my mind, certain clothing items go together, and others don't - it's my own issue really. But I've let her start picking out her own outfits, given they are occasion and weather appropriate, which sometimes they're not and some redirecting is in order. She is loving this new freedom. I've also started allowing her to decide whether she wants to go to her extracurricular activities, so not school, but her "fun activities" I've enrolled her in. She's a pretty active kid, loves being out and being with other kids, but some days she has no interest to do this. Generally, I can get her to change her mind if I mention that her teacher and friends will miss her, but other times it doesn't work. But I figure that since we started dance as a fun activity, if she has some off days and doesn't want to go, that's fine.

 

Things hubby and I do struggle with are eating and bed time schedules. My husband is much kinder and more lenient with this stuff. If she's not hungry, he doesn't force it. If she's not tired, he'll entertain her with a storybook or horsing around until she's ready to sleep. I'm a lot more drill sargent I'm finding. I don't feel a toddler should be deciding his or her own eating and sleeping schedule. I've allowed it before (when she was younger) and that was a total mess, it threw everything off, and was super hard to get her back on track.

 

So yeh, just wondering what age did you start giving your child more freedom in making choices? And what kind of choices did you give them at that age? 

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Sounds like you're doing it about right. They decide in small things when they're small, and as they get bigger they decide bigger things. Fwiw, I agree with you about bedtime. Little children cannot set their own schedules, and they get cranky and otherwise suffer bad effects if they stay up late or whatever.

 

We homeschool our children until they are 12, by which time they are excellent readers and have a broad background in basic thinking and performance skills, and are pretty much on par with or above their age group in academic skills. At 12, we let them call their own educational shots (within limits), so that e.g. they can choose to attend public school part- or full-time.

 

I think allowing children to make relevant and important choices in their lives is good for them. To use the popular lingo, it "gives them ownership" of their lives and lets them know that (1) they can make important decisions, (2) those decisions have real-world consequences, and (3) making a mistake is usually a correctable thing.

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For things that I want them to have a choice but to make a good one (like weather-appropriate clothes), I give them a choice of 2 or 3 outfits. 

 

Marjorie Hinckley said to say "yes" whenever you can. I don't think she meant to spoil your children, but to show confidence in them so that they, in turn, are confident in themselves. It also cuts down on arguments (pick your battles!) and helps your relationship.

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My oldest brother gave his two children the freedom to choose the way their wore their hair, what clothes to wear along with what story they wanted to hear at nap time from the time they were old enough to understand the words Yes and No.

 

I don't have any children Bini, but I observed how my parents raised myself and my siblings. I also saw how the Uncles & Aunts, Cousins, and friends raised theirs. 

 

Go ahead and be a control freak and choose two and only two complete outfits for her to wear. Then let her choose which one she wants. She is three - but she is learning from you. Your graciousness and your negativity. If she opts for the top of outfit #1 and the bottoms of outfit #2 - back off and let her wear them. Doesn't matter if they clash - SHE chose them. 

 

Give her options that will always be a yes answer to you. Just like in life when you give the Or Else option, children will opt for that because Or Else is a non- response. They want definitive choices. 

 

As an adult, right now I am going through a battle with my Landowner- I own my home, I rent the land it sits on. He has threatened me with Stop doing -fill in the blank-, Or Else. I keep requesting a written explanation of what Or Else is. I may choose to stop doing-fill in the blank-, if Or Else is a better option. BUT I want to know what Or Else is first. 

 

Bini, I am not joking. I want to know what the Or Else is. In writing because this man is a bully and has kept the other Home Owners in constant fear. 

 

Never, never give the choice of Or Else. Give your daughter two options YOU can live with. Do you want scrambled eggs or oatmeal? If she says Yes. Then ask: Do you want scrambled eggs? She says yes. Ask: Do you want oatmeal? She says yes. Fix her a half serving of both. The kid is hungry!! (speaking from my own experience when I was about 7- Loved Dads buckwheat pancakes and Grandma's oatmeal. I got both!!!

 

My parents gave us two options to choose from. I loved a pull over sweater that was handed down from my Aunt, AND I preferred to wear slacks to school. Okay - this is back in the late 50's & early 60's when slacks/pants were NOT allowed in school. Why I wanted to wear slacks was because my bottom half was always too cold, and my socks only came to my ankles. 

 

At least Daddy asked why I always added slacks to either of my choices. Cause I am cold. My butt is cold, my knees are cold. SO- Mom made me flannel knickers that went to below my knees, she let the hems down on my dresses/skirts so they went to my shins, and Daddy knit me socks that went up past my knees. 

 

Don't always assume that your daughter is selecting because of color - she could very well be choosing for comfort. To me, grey and lavender knit garments are softer to the touch than all the other colors. They could all be the same fabric, and style - but when blind folded and all of the knit tops of the same fabric, style and different colors are set out on the bed - I can easily pick out the grey and the lavender ones. 

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My philosophy is:

 

I control the environment, the kids decide what to do within that environment.  I've done this since they were age 0.  The environment used to be the playpen.  It expanded to the whole house as they got older, then the whole neighborhood, then the whole world (e.g., internet)... The principle is that - I expand the environment depending on how comfortable I am with the consequences.  Because, their freedom of choice comes with consequences that I don't shield them from.

 

So, clothes, for example.  They can choose whatever they want to wear but it has to be appropriate for the occasion... so, they can pick whatever they want to wear but they can't wear pajamas to go out.  They can pick whatever they want to wear but they have to wear Sunday clothes to church.  As they got older, I teach them the importance of proper clothing - how your clothes are like the gift wrapper on a gift or the book jacket to a book... how it affects people's perception of you... why we wear white shirts to pass sacrament, why we wear collared shirts to school (even if it's not required in the dress code), etc... and they get complete control over what to wear including what clothes to buy... because, the consequence is - that they look like dorks.  I'm okay with that consequence... but I get to reprimand them including taking stuff away if they continue to choose stupid clothes.  We were in Cleveland Ohio one Winter and it was almost freezing temps.  My son refused to wear a jacket.  I told him it's cold he says it's not... so I say, fine.  The consequence is hypothermia... I had a car with heater, so the chance of that happening is small.  But, hey might not be able to leave the car.  I'm fine with that too... because he's gonna be the one that can't go to see the sights and such whereas, I've already seen all of Cleveland...

 

Sleep time... ever since they were babies, they have the freedom for when they go to sleep.  I get to choose when to wake them up... so, they just started to fall on a schedule on their own.

 

Friends... I don't choose who they can be friends with.  They can come to my house anytime they're home - including school nights.  But, I get to control what they do at my house - school nights is homework, etc.  And I get to control whether they can go to their friends' houses (outside my set environment).

 

My kids have complete freedom to go wherever they want to go that they don't need anybody to take them to.  They have bikes, so they can go pretty far.  But, I paid a pretty penny to live in this side of town that is relatively safer.  And, they have to go to jiujitsu class - that's not optional.

 

Now, here's the interesting thing... my kids have phones with gps... for a reason -  So, I can track their gps and know where they are.  Their cousin told them they are losers for not knowing how to turn off their gps.  My sons looked at her confused... why would we want to turn off our gps?  And she said - so your mom can't track you!  My son just laughs at her and said, the day I don't want my mom to know where I'm at is the day I'm doing bad things.  So, it doesn't matter if the gps is on or off, my mom will know something is wrong.  She's a genius.  Yep!  I overheard this conversation... so, so far, it's still doing good.  Of course, the time will come when my sons will not want to be tracked by the gps.  But, I'm not worried about it... because, that will be the time when they are pushing boundaries - they will eventually have to fly the coop... so, I'm hoping that all the things I've taught them have caught on by then...

 

This goes the same for the internet.

Edited by anatess
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Bini, I think you are doing great.

 

As your daughter gets older, you get a better idea of what she can do for herself and what she's still needs from mom and dad. And as she gets older, she may help you curb your control freak issues.

 

M. 

Edited by Maureen
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I think kids spend a lot of brainpower on decisions, which adults can twist to their advantage.  A friend of mine who is a nurse once told me she never enters a room with a child and says, "Okay, I'm going to give you a shot," because the kid panics and becomes hard to control.  Instead, she says something like, "Tell me if you want your shot in your right arm or your left arm," and the kid focuses on the decision and defocuses from the shot... and is often easier to handle. 

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I think kids spend a lot of brainpower on decisions, which adults can twist to their advantage.  A friend of mine who is a nurse once told me she never enters a room with a child and says, "Okay, I'm going to give you a shot," because the kid panics and becomes hard to control.  Instead, she says something like, "Tell me if you want your shot in your right arm or your left arm," and the kid focuses on the decision and defocuses from the shot... and is often easier to handle. 

 

Something I've also been doing with my kids...

 

When I was little I built a distrust for doctors and dentists because they always tell me it's not going to hurt and then it hurts like the super dickens!

 

So, when my kids started getting shots or when they get scrapes and I had to put meds, etc., they would ask, Is it gonna hurt?  Or they would tell me, No, I don't want that, it's gonna hurt!  I don't say, it's not going to hurt... instead, I tell them... yep, it's probably gonna hurt.  But it's going to be okay because you're brave so you should be able to handle it.  And so they concentrate on beefing up their "braveness" instead of wondering if it's gonna hurt.  So then, when they go for their next shot... or when they go to the dentist, etc... they would go, is it gonna hurt?  And I'd say... it's probably gonna hurt but you've been hurt before and you were just fine...

 

Anyway, it works on my boys.  Don't know if it will work on others...

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Haha, yeh time flies, and way too fast I'm finding. I've always heard people say this and it never meant anything to me until I became a parent. My daughter doesn't like me walking her up to the front door of preschool anymore. She doesn't like me coming into dance class to pick her up. For both, she wants to go in herself, and come out herself to the car. She's an independent little girl.

 

Yes I'm a bad control/clean/neat freak. Having a child has challenged my way of thinking and doing things, and often. Just yesterday while I was in the laundry room, I heard something, hurried into one of the bathrooms and there she was - she'd filled up a big plastic tub with water and was washing all her toys in it. (Yeh grandma said a stepstool was a good idea! lol) I wanted to lose it and scold her but then this calm came over me and I remembered to pick my battles. So she filled a tub with water and is getting water everywhere. I can't be mad because we hadn't talked about this before. We talked about it and now she knows we don't play in the bathroom. 

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Haha, yeh time flies, and way too fast I'm finding. I've always heard people say this and it never meant anything to me until I became a parent. My daughter doesn't like me walking her up to the front door of preschool anymore. She doesn't like me coming into dance class to pick her up. For both, she wants to go in herself, and come out herself to the car. She's an independent little girl.

 

Yes I'm a bad control/clean/neat freak. Having a child has challenged my way of thinking and doing things, and often. Just yesterday while I was in the laundry room, I heard something, hurried into one of the bathrooms and there she was - she'd filled up a big plastic tub with water and was washing all her toys in it. (Yeh grandma said a stepstool was a good idea! lol) I wanted to lose it and scold her but then this calm came over me and I remembered to pick my battles. So she filled a tub with water and is getting water everywhere. I can't be mad because we hadn't talked about this before. We talked about it and now she knows we don't play in the bathroom. 

 

 

LOL!  She washed all her toys... she's starting to become just much of a clean freak!

 

But you have a girl... they're more clean than boys, I think.  I mean... my boys got this blacklight to look for germs... and they get so excited that they found all these germs.

 

But then, my sister's son is a clean freak... he goes to the beach and he won't play with the sand.  He was miserable... he tripped and had to catch himself by putting his hand on the sand and he comes up and yells, "Tissue!!!".

Edited by anatess
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Haha :)

 

I would guess that girls tend to be a bit cleaner, overall, than boys but can't say for sure. My husband tells me stories of what he and his brothers did growing up, and seriously, I'm scared for them. Not just ew but considerably dangerous if you ask me lol. 

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