"No thank you, Mom"


Jane_Doe
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Ok, I give up!  I'm totally out of ideas I'll have to use the advice board....

 

I am an emotional 1st-world problem: too large of a too loving family.  My mother in particularly, always wants to be involved, always wants to help with things, always wants to have us come over, and doesn't take "no" for an answer.  By golly mother, I can do my own laundry!   But she insists upon re-washing all my clothes and getting them all mixed up with hers and everyone else's...  

 

I've tried setting up boundaries.  I've tried telling her "no", but she doesn't listen and/or gets all hurt.  The latest battle was her being upset because when we're only staying at her house 3 of the 4 nights we're in town-- the other night being spent with the other TWO branches of family we have in town.  I tried explaining it to her but she goes "I just don't understand why you don't stay."

 

So, I ask you guys, particularly those with grown children, do you have any advise on how to handle this situation?

 

And thanks for letting me rant.

 

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Hi Jane_Doe :) Are you a mom? And no, I am not asking this to make you feel like you do not understand or anything, but perhaps empathize a little bit about how some moms can be sometimes. Your mom sounds Italian or Jewish and that's a deadly combo, I know first-hand. :P

 

It sounds like she misses you, I do not have grown children so I cannot relate much but I can relate at the fact that as a mom, we always want to be involved in our children's lives no matter their age and as moms, we always think we know better even when many times perhaps we do not. You're really blessed to have a mom so interested in spending time with you.

 

Having said that all, there are limits and should be respected. Did you have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and explained how you feel?

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Agree with all the above and will add:

- This could be about different love languages.  Maybe hers is quality time?  Either that or she could be lonely?

- Some of this could be that she just needs to feel needed (ie doing the laundry).  If that's the case, redirect her?

- The other thought I had was to help her be grateful for the time she does get to have with you. Right now she's focusing on the glass half empty instead of half full.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

You mentioned that you tried setting boundaries, but they aren't working.  Boundaries can be difficult, especially for Christians (as we get confused about what behavior is Christ-like).  A wonderful Christian book about this topic is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

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Yeah...you can set boundaries.  But my guess is that it won't turn out the way you want.  Not that you shouldn't set them.  Just that I think something more fundamental is in play.  So maybe ask a different question like....

 

....What attachment need is your mother trying to fill?  to feel needed? valued?  What is her fundamental fear if she loses this access to your "laundry"?  If you can figure out the answer, perhaps you can help give your mother the reassurance she needs and then her pressured helping behaviors might naturally relax.

 

I think setting boundaries is important but my feeling is that we miss other important components of the process when we set them.  And then we end up frustrated and confused.  It's like we say "Here's my boundary!  Respect it!  It's the most important thing to me.  Forget about you."  Then the other one feels the hurt but stays fighting for something more fundamentally important to them.  Attachment needs are survival.  We fight for these just like we fight to breath.  So, while you are saying no....it'd be cool if you could add some comment like "mom, I love what you give me.  You've taught me selfless service.  I need some independence but I don't want to lose you.  You are so important to me."  Get my drift?  You are saying my boundaries are important but you are important to me too.  Comfort the attachment need and the defenses relax.  BUT you have to understand her first.  So get curious instead of furious.  I mean maybe this is the time in your life where you realize more about the humanness of your mother ....and if you have the courage, perhaps you'll be willing to learn how to love her without requiring her to change first.  That's harder work that requires more selflessness but it's actually gives birth to sweeter interactions and more peaceful interactions than stark boundary setting alone.

Edited by Misshalfway
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You are not going to like my answer - but here goes.

 

Why did you leave your laundry out where she could get at it? Either dirty or after you washed it?

 

When Hubby and I visit family/friends our dirty laundry goes into a small suitcase which is kept closed. Yep I pack a smaller suitcase into the largest one so that I will have a place to put the dirty clothes - doesn't matter if we are flying in or driving.

 

Could be she doesn't want anyone else to use her machines. I am that way. Step Daughter In Law puts in WAY too much detergent and washes everything in hot water. The second time she came to visit I asked her to please go to the laundromat in town or follow the directions posted above the machines. She told her Dad that I was one picky Bee-och - he told her, well they are her machines,and it is our money that pays the electric so - - go to the laundromat. 

 

My answer to you -  go to the laundromat and as soon as you get back to your mothers house, pack your clean clothes in your suitcases.

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Hi Jane_Doe :) Are you a mom? And no, I am not asking this to make you feel like you do not understand or anything, but perhaps empathize a little bit about how some moms can be sometimes. Your mom sounds Italian or Jewish and that's a deadly combo, I know first-hand. :P

 

It sounds like she misses you, I do not have grown children so I cannot relate much but I can relate at the fact that as a mom, we always want to be involved in our children's lives no matter their age and as moms, we always think we know better even when many times perhaps we do not. You're really blessed to have a mom so interested in spending time with you.

 

Having said that all, there are limits and should be respected. Did you have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and explained how you feel?

Coming from a kid who got ignored a lot from my mother, I'd have given anything for a mother who fussed a bit over my welfare.  Just the argument of "Ma!  Stop it." Makes me jealous.  

 

I had some visiting teachers a while back who were both experiencing their first tastes of empty nest.  One was talking about how her daughter had a new baby and didn't want mom to hover because she wanted to prove to mom she could do it herself. This woman felt rejected and excluded and it was a really hard transition. 

 

Now that I'm a mom and my kids are bringing home girlfriends and I'm thinking about losing my first in a year, who knows.  I might just be fussing over his laundry when he gets home from his mission.  Silly.  But I think I get it.

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Why did you leave your laundry out where she could get at it? Either dirty or after you washed it?

 

 

My mother gets into the laundry because she walks into the room I'm staying (while I'm gone), opens up the closed suitcases, and takes them from there.  Many times I've explained to her that she doesn't need to do this, and that it upsets me when she does.  But she never seems to listen, and says "It's no big deal, I was going to do laundry anyways", and does it the minute I turn my back.  The stuff in the suitcase is clothes for our trip and I intend to wash rewash when I get home (we live in different states).

 

I've tried being understanding: I have a daughter myself and understand wanting to be involved.  Being involved is partially her love language, so are constant unwanted gifts, and advice (yes, I know this is totally a emotional-first-world-problem).  While my mom is very loving, she is also co-dependent and has literally has no idea what do when not uber-stressing about helping someone else.  

 

I am 30 years old, married, have a kid, MS degree, finically independent, and even own my house-- I can't think of any more external mark of adulthood I could display.  I try work with my mom do need my space to be an adult (the laundry one of many examples).  And I just can't seem to get it....

 

LiteratePara, thanks for the book recommendation, I'll be sure to check it out.

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My mother is also one who wants to be involved to the extreme. I remember an incident after my mission. She would pick up the mail and open items addressed to me. I asked her not too but she felt it was her right as my mother. It blew up when she opened my bank statement. I clearly told her it was my mail and she was not to open it. She was extremely hurt for a few days and refused to talk to me even though I tried to talk with her. Finally after a time she just started talking to me again. No apology, but I never had the problem again.  

 

It was a tough situation. If there is a way to reason with her in a rational conversation and get the message across by all means do it. But with some people and situations it seems they will not accept this. 

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I don't understand this dynamic.  These things have a lot to do with the entire family's history of communication/relationship.... and everything hinges on that history.

 

I come from a huge very close family.  As a matter of fact, I'm currently staying at my cousin's house - twice removed... that is - my grandfather and his grandfather are brothers... last week I was staying with an aunt - twice removed - her dad and my grandfather are brothers... and the week before that I was staying with another aunt - her dad and my grandfather are first cousins....  but that's beside the point...

 

The way we are with my mother is this... I've known my mother since I was born.  I know her inside and out.  I know how she is with her OCD-ness, I know how she is with her wanting to be involved in everything.  She's like your mother in a way.  But I already know this, my husband already knows this, my kids already know this.  It's just the way grandma is.  So we just prepare for how she's gonna be.  My husband and I have ZERO desire to change how she is.  She's too old for that.  So, for the times that we are with her - which, unfortunately has gotten shorter and shorter now that she's getting older... this year, we only spent 3 weeks with her the entire year - we adjust to her ways for 3 weeks...

 

But then my mom knows me very well too - so when she's in my house (which is rare because she is scared of our pet snakes) she tries to do things our way... but she's mom, it's hard for her, so she, of course, forgets - like one time she scrubbed my non-stick pan with steel wool... and one time she washed my dry clean blouse in the washing machine... it's fine.  I can replace the pot and the blouse.  I can't replace my relationship with my mother and telling her she messed up my pot and my blouse will make her feel terrible for ruining my stuff and her OCD-ness will gnaw at her for years and I just know that she'll never want to stay with me again for fear of ruining more stuff.  I'd rather she feels comfortable staying with me... I just need to be a little more vigilant next time and catch her before she puts the steel wool to the All Clad again...

 

But, that's just the way we are.  And like I said, these things have a lot to do with the entire family's history of how they deal with things.

 

I don't know if this even helps you in any way at all.

Edited by anatess
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Parents are notoriously unable to respect boundaries that their children set.  But their meddling is often driven by love and not malice.  I have found that keys and locks help a lot with boundary maintenance.  Also I don't announce decisions to my mom if I think she will object.  I give her the illusion of participating in the decision.  If I tell her I am coming for a 3-day visit, she protests and asks why I can't stay longer.  If I tell her I have three days free and ask her which days she thinks would be good for me to visit, she focuses on selecting the days and doesn't notice the duration of the trip.  Is this sneaky?  Yes.  Is it effective?  Pretty much.

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We do he same thing, bouncing back and forth between relatives over Christmas.  It's a hard thing, we live in another state from everyone, and have this one time of year to get together with too many people.  Hard to give advice as everyone's different - best of luck to you!

We have it worked out where our kids and their families spend every other Christmas with us and then their in laws. Works out good for us.

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My mother  tried this and I have several "motherly" friends that are exactly like this.  Set your boundries then enforce them.  I explained to my mom and my friends that their actions were embarrasing (i.e. washing my underwear), offensive (I am an adult, not a child), and an invasion of privacy.  This worked with my mom after a few protests, but, I had to creatively teach my friends.  It was very much like training a cat to stay off the couch.  Every time they did their thing, I would again explain how offended I was.  This eventually worked with one. The other I only visit for a few hours when I am in her area.  While they say they are hurt by this, I feel that  I should not have to subordinate my feelings in order to be 'humble".

 

This also brings to mind the command to honor our parents.  This does not mean the same thing as being obedient no matter what, it also implies that we should help them improve and overcome their problems and issue if we can.

 

There is no pleasant solution for this.  Perhaps you can approach you mom from the standpoint of her love for you and ask her to let go a little and trust you to do things on your own.  Remember that your way is not (necessarily) wrong, its just different. 5+4=9, but so does 8+1 and 6+3

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It bothers me that Mom and invasion of privacy are in the same sentence... It's just so alien to me.

 

For me, one reason this becomes an issue is when Mom sticks her nose in something which is (frankly) a very personal matter for me, and then *insists* I do what she would do.  It feels like a major violation of respect towards me because she is so deeply intruded into a personal matter and tries to deny me the right to make my own choices (via endless lecturing and nagging).

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For me, one reason this becomes an issue is when Mom sticks her nose in something which is (frankly) a very personal matter for me, and then *insists* I do what she would do.  It feels like a major violation of respect towards me because she is so deeply intruded into a personal matter and tries to deny me the right to make my own choices (via endless lecturing and nagging).

 

Sure.  I get this.  My mom does this a lot too.  But that's the difference between family versus friends.  You don't get to choose who your mother is, you can choose who your friends are.  So that... the family is where you can be a petri dish of learning to love and forgive and tolerate and communicate and being kind and helping each other out to get us all to the celestial kingdom..... not just for me but for my mom as well.  She may be older and wiser than me but she is far from perfect... so instead of thinking of it as a "major violation of respect" like I would if she was my next-door neighbor, I think of it as... "I need to help my mother through her weakness" because she's my mother.

Edited by anatess
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  • 3 weeks later...

But she insists upon re-washing all my clothes and getting them all mixed up with hers and everyone else's...  

 

Does she live anywhere near north central Texas?  I could stand to save my laundry money.   :D

 

How is she at pressing slacks?  Can she properly steam a suit jacket?

Edited by NightSG
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