Child Sealing to Stepparent


kd_ldsfamily
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I am in need of some guidance. Please excuse my wordage, I'm trying to maintain anonymity.

 

My ex wants to have our child sealed to them and their spouse. They are going through the temple to be sealed, and want my child to to come with them. I have not given my consent to my knowledge, but have been told that they have a document that I signed years back, around the time of our divorce, that allows them to do this already. If this is true, I don't remember it. Either way, I am torn on if I want this to happen or not.

 

A little back ground. I am not currently a practicing member of the LDS church. Our child has been raised LDS and believes in the church and has been baptized. I was told that they WANT to do this and were in fact the one who ASKED if they could go to be sealed with them, since the church teaches that they can't get into the Celestial Kingdom without being sealed. I understand that they can get sealed when they are married, but they want to do it now - I've been told. They are not included in the "in-crowd", both in church and extended family, who have a family all sealed together nice and tight and oh so happy, and they want to be. 

 

I do not want to be the "bad-guy" in this for trying to stop it, or stopping it, but what else can I do? I am not willingly going to give my permission for my child to, by their beliefs, be taken from me for eternity. And what does that tell my child if I agree? My ex has already ingrained in their mind that I was not interested in being a part of their life before - NOT TRUE -  and also lied to me about my custody rights.

 

I have now also been told that their bishop has already scheduled the sealing and, with this supposed letter saying that I've already given my consent, there is nothing more that can be done.

 

I was told by one person that my child can be sealed to both me and my spouse (after we die and are sealed together by a church member), and my ex and their spouse. Then another person said, "No, you can't be sealed to 4 parents, you can only be sealed to one 'set'."

 

If there is a possibility of her being able to get all of us, that's great and I don't want to hold my child back because of my weaknesses. If, however, there is no chance that they can be sealed to all of us, I am not giving up my child. Whether I believe in the church teachings now or not, I'm not taking that chance. I also find it incredibly disrespectful of my ex to be asking me to do so. I also do not think that my child realizes what she is asking me to do, but could despise me for it in the future, if I allow this. 

 

Again, I feel like there is no way that I win in this. Either way, I am the villain. 

 

What do I do?

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kd_family, some of the info you seem to have been given is a little bit off.  First, a sealing to a parent is not the same thing as a sealing to a spouse; and the emphasis on "sealing" as a requirement to enter the Celestial Kingdom generally revolves around a spousal, not a parental, sealing.  (At some point, to be sure, we believe that everyone will be sealed to *a* parent; but failure to get it done in the here-and-now doesn't limit one's chances for exaltation).  And second, being sealed is not some kind of super in-group of Mormonism.  I have no idea which of my ward members are sealed or not; and frankly, I don't really care.

 

Per the Church Handbook of Instructions, Section 3.6.2, it could happen if a) your spouse has legal custody and physical custody for the majority of the time, and b ) you have given written consent.  The written consent must name the child and both people to whom the child will be sealed.  The consent must be presented at the temple at time of sealing. 

 

If it's a really big deal to you, I'd suggest you call your ex's bishop and local temple president--and perhaps even the Church Temple Department in Salt Lake--to address your concerns.  And if you sincerely think your ex is passing around a forged "approval", I think it's doubly important that you be aggressive about things.  But you should be aware that at the age of 21, your children (if not already sealed to a parent) can be sealed to a natural parent and a stepparent, regardless of the other natural parent's wishes. 

 

And frankly, it sounds to me like the bigger issue is that you've been completely shut out of your kids' lives.  That's not, ultimately, something that the Church can fix.  I'd suggest you take a copy of your existing decree to an attorney as soon as you can to find out exactly what your parental rights are.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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A couple of thoughts,

 

1)  As JAG said, being sealed does not get any Mormon an *earthly* status boost or 'in club' bonus.  I have no idea who is sealed in my congregation, and I don't particularly care.  Sealing is a it's a between-them-and-the-Lord thing, and has nothing to do with me.  

 

2)  In Mormon theology there is a heavenly blessing of being sealed-- namely getting to live with you family forever.  But we don't really know the logistics of how that's all going to work out on the other side.  It's my personal (i.e. not official LDS doctrine), that we'll be surprised at some of the people we see in Heaven and some that we don't, because we just don't know people's hearts.  However, we know that we'll be happy beyond our craziest dreams, so it isn't something I worry about, and contend to have a "God will take care of it" philosophy.

 

3)  Do you have to be sealed to make it to the highest Heaven?  Yes, but not necessarily in this life. 

 

4)  If someone you are sealed to is unrightous, will that keep you from heaven?  Heck no!  You only get judged for your deeds/beliefs.  You are not dependent on any other person for your salvation. 

 

5)  In regards to parents, who gets sealed to who?  No earthly person knows how things will play out in eternity (see point #2).  For earthly simplicity, current temple policy (as I understand it), is to seal the child to one set of parents.  Who that parental set is can be flexible. (If someone knows more, please step in).  It is my *personal* belief that who the kid is sealed to doesn't really matter, cause God will work everything out, and kids can have more than 2 people loving them for eternity.

 

6)  Parent-child-sealing logistics.  To my understanding, the earthly policy is thus: while the child is a minor, written consent of both birth parents must be given before the child can be sealed to any parents.  There are a few exceptions to this:

     a.  One or both birth parents are dead.

     b.  Child has been legally adopted by other parties.

     c.  If a child's parents were sealed before the kid was born, then technically they were already sealed to parents, even if parents are now divorced.  This falls into the category of we-don't-understand-heavenly-things-very-well.  

     d.  Once a child is legally an adult, the choice of events is theirs to make.

 

7)  What does kd_ldsfamily do?  If this bothers you, talk to your ex-bishop and/or temple president.  They can explain things to you, and if you don't give permission then they will hear it.  

 

It also seems to me that you're concerned about being cut out of your son's life.  Such a thing would be tragedy.  Call you son and tell him how you love him.  Be a part of your son's life starting today.

 

 

 

* Disclaimer on this whole thing: I am far from an expert on temple sealing policy.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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I've talked to my father, who was a bishop for a long time when I was young, and he's given me some piece of mind, as have these posts. Thank you for your input. My dad said that, first of all, this includes blessing and religious benefits that I can't provide to child because I am not temple worthy. Speaking of the "in-crowd" I think that is more in my child's state of mind, having it pounded in her head every Sunday that families can be together forever... as long as you do these things, they want to be in the same boat with all of their cousins and friends. I just want them to be happy. This ultimately is their decision, I've concluded. I don't pretend to fully understand any of this since I haven't been to church in a few years. We've made so many phone calls and done so much research and I really think that the decision will, in the end, be completely the choice of our kid. They know that I love them. I've tried very hard to be a part of their life in the past few years and make sure that they know how much I care and adore them. The last thing I want them to think is that I am eternally giving them away.

 

My standing currently (and this seems to change every 30 minutes!) is that I will not stand in the way of my child's blessings, eternal privileges, beliefs, etc. If this is REALLY what they want, and not the wishes and manipulation of my ex, then I won't stand in the way. I am concerned, very much, with them resenting me for "eternally handing them over" to the stepparent, but if this is really what they want, I want them to be happy.... We are having a conversation with them soon about this and I pray we make the best decision and that this doesn't end up with them feeling, when they are older, that I gave them away. 

 

I am working on legal statutes with my custody and all of that, but with this being a religious issue, I am eager to hear the thoughts of those who are active in the LDS church. Thank you again for your advice and prayers. 

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kd_ldsfamily, no matter to whom your child is sealed, it will never take away the fact that you are the biological father.  Is that not a wonderful blessing?

 

From what I understand, sealing of children to parents, gives the child a birth-right of eternal parentage.  What that exactly means, I don't exactly know.  There is no guarantee that your ex-wife and her current husband will make it to the Celestial Kingdom anymore than you or me.  I do know that life in the next life will be similar to this one.  Just as our adult children will eventually marry, and be on their own with their own family, so too, will it be that way in the next life.  Which parents your child/ren are sealed to won't take away your biological fatherhood.  You are your child's biological father.  And, I assume you will have the opportunity to associate with your child in the next life, similarly as you do here.

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I am not currently a practicing member of the LDS church.

 

 

This is a religious ceremony.  You understand that it holds no legal weight in regards to custody?  That said, if you are not a practicing member of the LDS church, I don't understand why you would care?

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Really? You can't even imagine why he would care? I bet if you gave it some thought you could imagine a little why he cares.

If he is non-practicing but believing to some degree, then he might perceive a possible eternal "loss" of his child, in which case he would care. If he is non-believing, then caring about such a matter doesn't make any sense at all, unless he is afraid his child will consider himself/herself not to really "belong" to him any more. But that sense of belonging is a function of time being spent with the child right now, so it still doesn't make much sense.

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