Loveless marriage

[Anna_Ross]

Hi, I'm new here. Question for everyone. Would you stay in loveless marriage? If you'd have kids. Would you stay for your children? I've been doing this for the last 3-4 years and I just can't take this anymore. I love my kids but I'm really suffering in this marriage. Love is gone. My husband slowly destroyed it. We are trying to rebuild it but nothing really works. He keeps screwing up. Day by day. I'm so exhausted emotionally. I want it to be over. He keeps saying he loves me but he refuses to understand and accept that I don't love him anymore. Please don't think I'm a monster. There were whole bunch of events that made me feel this way. He doesn't want to think/talk about divorce. Because he thinks it's not an option (he loves me so why to divorce?!!) I would appreciate any advice.

[Guest]

What do you mean he's screwing up? What has he done to kill the love in your marriage?

[Jane_Doe]

Hi, I'm new here. Question for everyone. Would you stay in loveless marriage? If you'd have kids. Would you stay for your children? I've been doing this for the last 3-4 years and I just can't take this anymore. I love my kids but I'm really suffering in this marriage. Love is gone. My husband slowly destroyed it. We are trying to rebuild it but nothing really works. He keeps screwing up. Day by day. I'm so exhausted emotionally. I want it to be over. He keeps saying he loves me but he refuses to understand and accept that I don't love him anymore. Please don't think I'm a monster. There were whole bunch of events that made me feel this way. He doesn't want to think/talk about divorce. Because he thinks it's not an option (he loves me so why to divorce?!!) I would appreciate any advice.

 

I can't really say too much without more information...

 

By "husband screwing up".  You don't have to share the nitty-gritty-details, but the general category would be useful.  For example, my advice would change greatly if "screwing up" meant forgetting your birthday, versus sleeping with other women.  

 

Also, you said you're tired.  Are you willing at all to hope that things could be made better?

 

 

 

As to "thinking you're a monster", I don't think that at all!  From your post, you sound exhausted and frustrated; in need of healing, rest, and untying of the knot in your chest. No where in your post do I sense "monster".  

Edited May 3, 2015 by Jane_Doe

[Anna_Ross]

He has problems controlling his anger, acts crazy at home, on public when he is mad. It was much much worse when we just got married now it's a little better but still. Our oldest child asked once what's wrong with daddy... I don't want to explaine such things to my 4 year old! It shouldn't be happening.

Then, I went through the emotional abuse from his mother. Because of financial situation she had to move in with us several years ago. She also had/ has anger issues (maybe it's family issue?!). I don't want to give much details about that time because it still hurts me to even write about it. But it was 2 horrible years of my life. And I was pregnant with my first child. He (my husband) couldn't stop her. Couldn't tell her - you can't hurt my wife like this. I asked him million times. Nope. He just doesn't get simple things. He doesn't get that you help your wife to get stroller on the bus. And other men have to help me. Once I was very sick and coughing my lungs out and we were in the taxi and driver asked if he can smoke and my husband goes -Sure! He doesn't care about my goals and dreams. You probably noticed how "great" my English is. Lol I'm not from the U.S. I don't have family or friends here. I left everything behind just to be with him, I was so in love!! But now I'm on the edge. Bra, he is going to the psychologist but it doesn't help at all. This is just a tiny little glimpse on what's going on with our "family" right now.

[Backroads]

I agree more information would be helpful. Generally, I'd agree divorce shouldn't be an option and every possible action to renew the love in the marriage should be made.

To your question, I'd stay in a loveless marriage if it were a mutually respectful relationship where my needs and my partner's needs were reasonably met--yet I think such a satisfactory marriage wouldn't be loveless.

[Guest]

Go to marriagebuilders.com. Read about love busters and filling the love bank. Hopefully he will be willing to do the same. 

 

I don't think you have a marriage that is unsalvageable, I think you and your husband need to learn how to love each other. You need to work at fixing what's broken. 

[Leah]

You say you are in a "loveless" marriage yet you also say your husband loves you. Just because you have chosen to stop loving your husband does not mean you are in a loveless marriage.

 

Are you just looking for permission to leave?

 

What have you done to help fix your marriage?  Have you gone to counseling?

 

You reference 3 -4 years.  That is barely a blip in the eternities. And again, how much effort have you put forth?  Lots of marriages go through difficult times, some longer than that.  The time span doesn't automatically mean it is unsalvageable.

 

You seem to lay all of the blame on your husband.  Have you done your share to help fix it? Is it really worth tearing a family apart?  I used to work a lot with divorcing parents and far too many of them were in denial about the impact divorce has on children and were only focusing on their own needs...usually some vague definition of "happiness".

[Anna_Ross]

You say you are in a "loveless" marriage yet you also say your husband loves you. Just because you have chosen to stop loving your husband does not mean you are in a loveless marriage.

Are you just looking for permission to leave?

What have you done to help fix your marriage? Have you gone to counseling?

You reference 3 -4 years. That is barely a blip in the eternities. And again, how much effort have you put forth? Lots of marriages go through difficult times, some longer than that. The time span doesn't automatically mean it is unsalvageable.

You seem to lay all of the blame on your husband. Have you done your share to help fix it? Is it really worth tearing a family apart? I used to work a lot with divorcing parents and far too many of them were in denial about the impact divorce has on children and were only focusing on their own needs...usually some vague definition of "happiness".

Of corse we did counseling! As a couple. And by myself. He doesn't get it. It gets better for a few days and then goes back to " normal". What I've done? Forgave countless times and I'm still with with him! I know kids are suffering during divorce. Are they not suffering seeing all the fights? I don't want them to grow and think this is okay and do this to their spouses!

I'm screaming inside every single day and praying I can get my feelings back but I know i won't be able to do this. Today he told me he is going to take our children away.he will go to the court. And in the same time he loves me and doesn't want to divorce. He didn't raise them. He doesn't know how to feed or dress them.

I think its not normal for anyone to go through this and be okay with it. Am I wrong? To let other person hurt you emotionally like this?

[Backroads]

It isn't normal. Emotional threats are a form of a abusive behavior.

[Litzy]

I'd go for a separation. His anger issues are something that are ultimately up to him to fix. Take some time to get your head cleared.

[askandanswer]

I think it might be helpful if you went to a quiet place for a while where you can rest, recuperate and reflect, away from the daily stress. Sort out what you want and then make some decisions and plans. Then build your resolve to the point where you feel confident in what you have decided and your ability to carry it out, whatever it is you may decide. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

I agree that it sounds like a marriage that can be saved.  Unless there is abuse or abandonment or adultry or something serious like that divorce should not be considered, or threatened.

[mdfxdb]

Addiction, Adultery, Abuse - 3 very good reasons to divorce.

 

At a minimum, you are being abused.  You shouldn't have to put up with it, your children shouldn't have to see it.  If it has gotten to the point where it not only hurts you but others as well, then you need to leave.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

I'm reluctant to lable it as abuse.  'Gets angry', 'acts crazy', and being inconsiderate may or may not amount to an abusive relationship.  I don't think we've been given enough info to tell.  If somebody wants out of a marriage they can exagerate in things their mind to convince themselves that divorce is justified when it isn't, and then there are those who minimize real abuse and stay when they should go.  I think if she considers it an abusive relationship that she talk with her Bishop about it in detail and get an outside perspective before taking any action.

[Anna_Ross]

I can't go anywhere to think, like I said I don't have friends or family in this country. Okay I have 1 friend but she lives like 20 hours away and I don't drive yet.

Things got worse. He said he will take me to the court and take the kids away. (I don't know if I mentioned it) 8 hours ago I found inappropriate messages to another woman. Btw, can he be excommunicated for this? I also found out that he used to wear women's clothes before our marriage. I think this is too much, I can't handle this. I told him - take me to the court and I'll show them all those messages ... We have an appointment with the lawyer on Friday. I want to be separated. It's not a divorce , right? After he set up this appointment he said he needs to go to the hospital because he is suicidal. :/ he is staying there until tomorrow. I'm being exhausted and emotionally drained. Not telling anyone anything because I don't have anyone to talk to. Marriage sucks.

[Backroads]

How active are you in the church? Can anyone in your ward/stake help find you a place? Start documenting his threats.

[Jane_Doe]

I can't go anywhere to think, like I said I don't have friends or family in this country. Okay I have 1 friend but she lives like 20 hours away and I don't drive yet.

Things got worse. He said he will take me to the court and take the kids away. (I don't know if I mentioned it) 8 hours ago I found inappropriate messages to another woman. Btw, can he be excommunicated for this? I also found out that he used to wear women's clothes before our marriage. I think this is too much, I can't handle this. I told him - take me to the court and I'll show them all those messages ... We have an appointment with the lawyer on Friday. I want to be separated. It's not a divorce , right? After he set up this appointment he said he needs to go to the hospital because he is suicidal. :/ he is staying there until tomorrow. I'm being exhausted and emotionally drained. Not telling anyone anything because I don't have anyone to talk to. Marriage sucks.

 

Couple of things--

 

1)  Everyone needs friends, including you.  Do your best to reach out to your wards, local interest groups, playdate mommy's, whatever floats your boat.  Friends are important for everyone.

 

2)  Document any threats he makes to you.  Document = write on paper within a hour of happening, say what happened, sign and date it.

 

3)  In regards to the girls clothes: that is not important.  My apologies for being blunt, but if you're going to live in the past then your future will never be brighter.  Make the changes you can today and move forward.

 

4)  You are correct, separation is not the same thing as divorce.  Divorce = resolve any legal bindings between you two (complications for kids of course).  Separation = you are still married, but not living together, not sharing financed, or otherwise connected (it's quite flexible definition).  

 

5)  Excommunication: honey, you got enough on your plate to without adding possible church disciplinary action.  

Edited May 6, 2015 by Jane_Doe

[askandanswer]

It sounds like he has taken my advice and gone to a place where he can rest and recuperate! Nice if you had the same opportunity.

 

Why would the courts consider taking the kids away? They generally like to have a reason. In this country, the courts would be unlikely to grant custody of the children to a parent who had been admitted to hospital only a few days ago with suicidal tendencies. And what is your strategy for making it through until Friday?

 

Try to do a lot of research in preparation for the meeting with the lawyer about your situation, your options and possible outcomes, what you are prepared to agree to and what you won't agree with, and bring a list of questions. In any country, the legal system can be confusing, and its even worse when you are not in your native country. 

[pam]

^{What I don't get is why are you saying "we" have an appointment with an attorney?  I've been through a separation and a divorce and I was glad to have an attorney representing me.  But he was representing MY interests and those of my children.  Not those of my spouse at the time.  My ex could have hired an attorney for himself if he had so desired.}

[mdfxdb]

Get your own attorney.  Make some phone calls, explain the situation.  A good divorce attorney can help you out.

[pkstpaul]

You probably noticed how "great" my English is. Lol I'm not from the U.S. I don't have family or friends here. I left everything behind just to be with him, I was so in love!! But now I'm on the edge. Bra, he is going to the psychologist but it doesn't help at all. This is just a tiny little glimpse on what's going on with our "family" right now.

I could tell from your descriptions of his treatment of his mother and the taxi driver smoking that you were not from the US. Even his expression of anger tells me that you may be dealing with cultural issues as much as personal issues. I've spent time in the Middle-east and South America and see what you describe as fairly typical. You are from that culture, so I'm not saying anything you don't already understand. The fact that there is cultural acceptance doesn't make it right. You have every right to expect him to live gospel standards.

 

I am generally in the camp of encouraging someone to make the marriage work. It is work even with compatible, well behaved couples. Divorce is hard too. I often say 'it is easier to make a marriage work than a divorce'. However, if you don't "have" a marriage and if you are suffering abuse, you are best to force your hand and separate. Culturally, that may be very difficult. Unless you can return to family, you may have few options.

[Bini]

Can't suggest anything but I got out of a crappy marriage and it was the BEST decision I'd ever done! Listen to your gut, get help.

[Guest MormonGator]

I'm not in your situation but remember that marriages evolve. Things change. King Solomon had a ring to "lift him up when he was down and down when he was up". His advisors said "this too shall pass". That's good advice.

 

I've done many stupid things in my own marriage that would cause any women to leave. Oddly, my wife and I are still together. We're kicking butt and taking names and now is the best time of both of our lives. 

 

A few of my friends who have left their marriages now express great regret about doing so. 

 

Just saying...

[thomascrawford]

I think you can talk and discuss about the matters with him. If he is also willing to make situation better then definitely the communication will make a lot help in your relation but if he doesn't want things to work out then you alone can't do anything. Next option is you have to think if its better to leave him and start new life or keep managing the things as it is.

Edited June 25, 2015 by thomascrawford

[prisonchaplain]

I just discovered this today, and was quite surprised.  Psychology Today (hardly a faith-affirming source, one would think) has a therapist finder.  Once you plug in your location, you can filter your search.  Included is religion, and yes, "Mormon" is one choice.  It seems to me that most faith-specific therapists gravitate towards family / relationship specializations.  So, you may find help here:

 

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapist

 

Here's an example for Salt Lake City, UT with the "Mormon" filtered:  https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1435085129.2097_10935&city=Salt+Lake+City&county=Salt+Lake&state=UT&spec=408&lmore=26

 

(Of course, when I did the same for my area only one therapist came up)

Edited June 23, 2015 by prisonchaplain