Another loveless marriage...


Recommended Posts

Ugh.  I was so sad to see another loveless marriage claim less than one month old.  I am in the same bind, and was hoping to see something more positive.  
Let me start out by saying I know I am clinically depressed.  Because my husband lost his job, and therefore his insurance, at the same time as our PCP retired, we were without a doctor and no clinic would continue on antidepressants for a long term basis.  We have insurance again, and I am already scheduled for an in-depth appointment at the end of the month, and I will be receiving proper medication then.  The cause of my depression began as chronic pain; I was injured in a car wreck which triggered daily migraines and fibromyalgia.
Because of my medical issues, when the company I was working for was sold, and my MIL was needing more help around the house, we chose that I NOT reapply and remain home to be available.  My MIL eventually was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, was put into a care facility, and has since died.  So I am home, unemployed for 8 years; my health problems have continued and worsened, so we have never thought me going back to work to be something able to be done.  

We are in our 50's and early 60's, have one grown son.  We own our own home, with a minimal mortgage and own another home outright that we are preparing for sale.  

Because of credit card debt, when I left my job, we decided that withdrawing my 401K and using that money to clear up debt would be the right thing to do.  
BUT then my husband's job was eliminated.  He was given a good severance package, but it changed him.  Over 30 years with one employee and told he was no longer wanted or needed...he broke.  He got another job fairly quickly, but lost that job as well.  So the 401K fund was sapped out fairly quickly.  He has since worked another job....which ended when the position was eliminated.  At this time, a small pension fund was made available to me, and we NEEDED it for a source of income.  So now that is almost gone.  I have no funds left, no job, and no disability payments possible.  
But I live in a loveless marriage and need to leave.  
He says he loves me, but does not show it.  He does what he wants when he wants to do it, and unlike the majority of stories I've read, that means he does NOTHING when he is not working.  Unless it directly is for him.  He has no interests, and literally will go to work in the morning, come home (often making stops to run errands without 1) telling me what errands he needs done so I can do them during the day and/or 2) calling me to tell me he will be late.  

He doesn't try to do anything and when I ask it always turns into an argument.  He shrugs and walks away, saying he'll do better, but that never lasts more than a few days.  Then it's back to work, sleep in front of the TV, bed, and work.  And NOTHING else.  
He has no sex drive at all.  I knew before we were married that he had been curious about homosexuality, but he assured me it had been short-lived and not what he wanted.  He lied.  He is not sexually attracted to me and hasn't been for decades.  I thought it was me, until I found gay porn.  He admitted that was his attraction.  I cannot be a man.  

And yesterday, he lied to me and tried to hide things from me.  He was in a minor fender bender; his fault, but an accident nonetheless.  He chose to withhold all information about it from me, until he figured I wouldn't get mad.  And lied to me about what he had been doing in the two times I had expected to see him that afternoon.  
He doesn't care, or at least, he doesn't seem to care that lies and secrets disrespect and hurt me.   
We live as housemates, sharing a bed because we only have one.  But that is all we share:  a house, a bed, and a paycheck.  
I know he is depressed, but he will not do anything about it.  He refuses to see a doctor about anything.  
And he turns it all around as my fault.  

He lied to me when we got married, about something else, too.  His parents lived a loveless marriage, living together under the same roof, separate rooms for 30 years, separate paychecks and expenses, separate interests....and I told him I would not want that and he had to promise me he did not himself and would not "become his parents."  He becoming more like them as time goes on.  
And it doesn't bother him.  Nothing bothers him, just ask.  Everything is "fine."  Always.  

I need out.  

I want to be happy.  I want a life.  I want to feel and be loved by someone.  I want to feel wanted.  

But I am stuck with no money, no job, no marriage, no life outside my home, no friends, and no Church....because he is active, counselling would include his sexual proclivities, and that could damage his membership...I haven't been to Church myself in a long time.  I cannot lie to them about it, and it would ruin that aspect of his life.  I can't do that to him.  
I suppose here I should say that his original 30 year employer?  The Church.  When you need a temple recommend to hold your job, but don't have sex with your wife because she is not a man.....that wouldn't work out.  So I stayed away.  
How much do I need to put up with?  How can I manage on my own?  How much more do I need to lose in this life?  I have no one but him, loveless or not.  That is not the life I want.  
I have no hope for better.

There.  I vented.  I can't say it helped, if anything it makes it all the more clear.  
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ditto to Eowyn's words.

 

Yours is a story often repeated in the forum and I am a member of the forum for less than a year. I can assure you, you are not alone in what you face.

 

My two cents: Your life will change only by your doing. You cannot look to your husband, family, or church to change what you face. By "church", I mean the institution, not the gospel. AND, change will take time.

 

You can walk away from what you have and accept some temporary (years) of discomfort living on welfare while you sort things out or you can start to make changes internal yourself while in the "relative" comfort of the life you have now. I assure you, it will be easier to do it with the resources you have now. At least now, you can set goals and plan without having to worry about daily survival an comfort.

 

Put NO blame on your husband or your current or past circumstances. Focus only on what you are going to change. Focus on physical health - diet; security - save some money (however small); and rejuvenate yourself spiritually - pray.

 

You don't have to go to your bishop to become active at church, but you may wish to meet with your Relief Society President and ask about activities you can go to or service you can provide.

 

I'm sure you don't expect things to change overnight, but change will come when you start to act.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would guess that depression is distorting things for both of you.  You both need help and I would encourage you both to go see the Bishop, or to go alone if he won't come along.

 

A porn addition (even gay porn) is not grounds for excommunication typically.  It is more akin to breaking the Word of Wisdom in how the church handles it.  If he has not acted on his impulses then his membership is not at risk, but whatever the case the church is there to help you both move from where to you to a better place.  He can refer you to LDS Family Services for help and if need be cover the costs of that with fast offering funds.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stars15k,

 

I am glad that you are taking the initiative to get yourself into counseling for depression.  I myself, underwent counseling for depression and found it to be a wonderful experience-- finally getting the tools to go where I had been trying to for years.  I applaud you taking that step forward.

 

I don't know you specifically, but there are some things which generally help depression:

1)  Be involved in a real-life social group 

2)  Cultivate hobbies and develop talents

3)  Eat right

4)  Sleep right

5)  Exercise regularly

6)  Get out of the house!

 

If at all possible, I'd recommend to start of these things to help your depression while you wait for your appointment later this month.  After your appointment, your doctors can add more specific advice too!

 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

An Update:   First, thank you for the kind, insightful words.  They really helped.  
On the Monday morning after this post, having recognized that i was having suicidal thoughts, I made an appointment for a mental health assessment.  I was admitted for treatment of depression.  
I talked with many people, participated and contributed in group, and had a psychiatrist who gave me choices in medications.  Having been treated once very successfully with one med, Paxil, I chose to return to it.  I was also prescribed something for nerve pain for my fibromyalgia (again something I have used with success) , and am now taking as maintenance, I have something to encourage sleep, and something to take should I become anxious.  

My plan for wellness includes returning to church as an active member, although I also brought home a chest cold with fever so missed the first week.  When my health improves, I will be using my experience of 15 years in a grocery store and volunteering at the local community Food Bank.  
But the biggest step I, or rather "we" will be making is getting my husband back on treatment for depression himself.  He told me that our family physician had picked up that he no longer had a "twinkle in his eye" and done nothing until I told him he need to be treated.  He was prescribed an antidepressent, but chose to stop on his own.  I know we cannot get well without both being treated; two depressives living in the same home is as bad as having two drunks...you feed off each other.  
I have a positive attitude, am no longer suicidal, have a wellness plan, the name of an LDS Social Services psychiatrist/counselors I taught in CTR B all those many years ago, and feel that wellness and happiness are within my grasp, I just need to reach for it.  I'll never go off my meds again, too.  There are resources available that can get me help, should I ever need it.  I feel humbled by my experience.  While many were there for the same reason, the circumstances of their lives were miles apart.  I have everything I need and a lot of what I want.  I have a husband who loves me, a home, a car, money in the bank, food storage, a church community that is ready and willing to help out anyway they can.  And a testimony of the Word of Wisdom, and the positive impact it has on my life.  
I feel whole again, and like I will continue to grow again.  It was a scary place to be, but it was the safe and RIGHT place to be.  I'm glad I was there, and it's good to be home again.

Edited by Stars15k
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share