How do you get a parent to retire? (LONG)


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How do you encourage - strongly encourage - a 75 year old dad to retire and enjoy his golden years with mum?

 

Some background. Dad's/grandpa's occupation pays well, which is probably an understatement, I'd say they're very well off. Despite having no debts and living modestly, dad/grandpa continues to work overseas for long periods of time to fulfill business obligations. The thing is, he isn't even working full time but part time and yet his time remains valuable. The family has accepted his busy schedule and are understanding when he's missed anniversaries, birthdays, baptisms, and graduations - though to be fair - he makes them when he's able.

 

In the last several years, us kids and grand kids, have noticed him physically slowing down. Certainly, a natural course of life but he also has a heart condition that has put him in the hospital multiple times while overseas and at least one of those times we thought we might lose him - some of us even flew over in case of the worst. In short, it's in his DNA to be a go-getter and he enjoys his job, but the family is wondering when's enough?

 

On a few occasions mum/grandma will mention how she wishes he'd retire and if he feels compelled to maintain a "job" to maybe consider taking a position as a professor at a university here in the US. He's done some brief stints doing lectures on technology, chemistry, robotics, etc. and enjoyed it. But while she generally keeps quiet about how she feels on his absence, the rest of the family sees an aging woman without her husband, spending much of her time tending her yard and with little involvement other than church activities. The family really wants to see the two be together for the remainder of their 10-15 years. Do you think us kids have a place in this situation to voice our concerns to him? If so, what are points we could make and make tactfully. Dad/grandpa is a good man, a kind man, but the clock is ticking and time is becoming limited.

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I'd tell my dad to buy my mom a plane ticket to wherever he's going.

I have an uncle who is 78 years old and still working in politics. He's currently the mayor of a town and has a calendar that is full to the brim with no time for much - he'd go home from another function past midnight and is up in the city hall by 7am. But, that's what he loves to do. We feel that the day he quits his job is the day he's going to get old and die. He just wouldn't know what to do with himself when his passion is taken from him. But yeah, his wife and kid just got used to it - that's been the thing their entire lives as a family, so they got used to swirling in that political circle with him. Where he goes, his wife goes. His wife passed away a while back and so my uncle built a studio with a cot and a bathroom attached to the family mausoleum. My uncle would sleep in the cemetery when he wants to be with his wife. Yep!

But, in any case, children giving advice to elderly parents is the natural cycle of families.

Edited by anatess
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I'd tell my dad to buy my mom a plane ticket to wherever he's going.

 

She is a seasoned traveler and does go with him sometimes BUT his work has very high security clearances and so she cannot spend much time with him when he's actually working. So she ends up in hotels and she's not a fan.

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You can voice your opinion to him but ultimately he has the final say in the matter.  There are many seniors who continue to work because it is what keeps them going.  How many times have you heard of someone retiring and within a couple of years they are gone?  

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I think it's more of his wife's job to encourage retirement if she wants her husband around more often. If he's happy, I don't know how much of the kids' opinion will matter. If it's affecting the marriage that's another matter entirely, but still should mainly be dealt with in the bounds of the marriage.

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I don't see anything wrong with children/grandchildren expressing their opinions in this situation.  I am confident - from having read your posts over the years - that it would be done in respectful, loving manner.   And that's exactly why you are doing it - out of love.

 

I frankly felt a little sad reading your post.   I know that men tend to wrap their whole identity up in their careers, but I can't say that I really understand that.  So I know that there are men who do feel lost without a job.  But - especially if they are financially able to do so - I wish they would step back and take a look at the bigger picture, the impact it has on the family.

 

In today's world, I also wonder what happened to the concept of working hard now so that you can have those later years with the family (not that family isn't important in those younger years, but I think you know what I mean)?  If you don't need to, why work until the day you drop dead?  What exactly has been accomplished?

 

The situation you described is compounded by the fact that he is away from family for long periods of time.  So they don't even get to see him on a daily basis.  I find that very sad.  His family is missing out on the joy of spending time with him, and he is missing out on the same.

 

Then there is his health.  If it's already a little shaky....is he really okay with the idea of possibly dropping dead some day, far away from his family and not having seen them for a while?  I heard some kind of quote years ago about no man ever lay on his deathbed and wished he'd spent more time at work instead of with his family.

 

One of my co-workers retired just before Christmas.  She hadn't planned on retiring just yet, but in a few more years.  Her husband abandoned the family long ago and so she has always been the primary parent and breadwinner.  Her children and grandchildren sat her down last fall and expressed their concerns.  She'd worked hard all of her life to provide for her family.  Her family was always her first priority, she always put their needs ahead of her own.  They expressed their concern for her health (she'd had major injuries from a car accident that took a permanent toll and developed some health issues as she got older).  They expressed their love for her, their deep appreciation for all of the sacrifices she had made over the decades, and their desire to see her have time to enjoy life and time to do something other than work all of the time.  And in this case, they backed up their words with putting together their own resources to make it financially feasible for her to retire now, rather than later.

 

So they expressed their thoughts and their love (and offered solutions if wanted/needed) and then let her be to make her won decision.  And even as much as the place we work has become a nightmare to work at and work had become a nightmare for the first time in her 40 something years of working, she still struggled a little with the decision to retire early.  What made the difference for her was - not surprisingly - the needs of her family.  It wasn't her feeling that they needed her, it was them saying Mom...Grandma....we need more time with you while it is still possible.  She did it more for them than for herself.  I have seen her since she retired and I have never seen her as joyful in the years I have known her as she is now.

 

I know I'm a girl and don't get the guy's point of view but, boy, if I could afford to retire and be able to spend more time with family and on things like callings and helping people...I'd be out the door in a flash.

 

So, yeah, I personally think that it's okay for the kids and grandkids to lovingly and respectfully voice their opinion.  He is ultimately going to make his own decision either way, but you never know what kind of impact you may have.  He may come to appreciate it just as my co-worker did.

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My husband is 73. He has worked in high stress jobs his entire life, starting as a child working with his crop dusting Dad. He always knew he would retire from what ever job he held at the age of 65. He worked 2 years past that to get more from his pension and from Social Security. BUT he also worked those extra two years to give him time to figure out what he was going to do with himself after retirement. He actually feared retirement.

He has retired from two jobs. The first at Kaiser Permante where he worked for 18 years and accumulated quite a nice pension. This he put into Edward Jones :wacko:

Like I said he is 73 now and he still doesn't know what to do with himself. Thus his health is declining as his weight is increasing.

He was going to devote more time to his Day Trading, but life's circumstances happened and we had to seriously dip into his Day Trading money stash.

I have suggested that he teach simple computer skills. He is a natural teacher, and it seems that nearly all of the seniors at church want to use computers but lack the confidence to acquire the skills to do so.

So your dad/grandpa just may fear retirement. What is he going to do with himself if he isn't going to work? Your mom/grandma has totally adjusted to her life with him, so have you kids. But what about the Grandkids and Great Grandkids??? Do they even know him as more than just a face in a picture??

I only had my one grandma. Mom's mother. She lived with us my entire life. All my other grandparents passed away long before I was born. I sure missed not having any grandfather(s) to get to know. Though I am grateful that I will be able to be with them in the eternities.

So, talk with your Dad - heart to heart- and express your concerns. Just yours. From your post, it seems that he is a valuable worker - perhaps knowing that his children desire to have more time with him and that they want him to really get to know his grandchildren, all of you can help him scale down his workload.

Is he LDS? If so, perhaps you presenting him with articles about not letting work overpower family time might help.

As my husband would say: Pray on it. Ponder it. Work it out in your mind and heart. Put it on the altar of time.When we have done this with the BIG life changing things in our life, we are more acceptable to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

edited to clean up the extra gibberish that got added

Edited by Iggy
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In the lead up to my dad's retirement, he negotiated a deal with his employer that allowed him to work a certain number of weeks each year for the next three years. This phased approach to retirement seemed to work out pretty well both for him and the business. It avoided some of the problems that can happen when you jump straight from full time employment to full time retirement.

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...he also has a heart condition that has put him in the hospital multiple times while overseas and at least one of those times we thought we might lose him -...

 

The family really wants to see the two be together for the remainder of their 10-15 years. 

 

Basically, I echo what others are saying.  But I also add that you might want to revisit the soundness of your 10-15 yr estimate.  It's possible he'll die next week, or in 25 years.  I'm not saying this as a way to get you justified in ramping up your efforts to make him chose differently, I'm saying it as a way of helping you not get rocked off your feet should he die sooner rather than later.  

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So my dad and I actually talk about this a lot. He's right at the edge of the baby boomer/gen X generation line, and in a lot of ways he swings between the two with what he prefers. So when he retired at the ripe age of 50 or so, a lot of his peers couldn't fathom it and didn't understand how he could be ready to be done working! They got so much fulfillment out of their jobs. But for my father, work was becoming monotonous and was dragging him down. Retirement was this magical place where he didn't have to worry and he could do things on his own time and schedule. My mom is 2 years from retirement and is expressing the same sentiments; she is SO ready to be retired!

 

Perhaps your dad is part of that baby boomer mentality and really finds his identity through work? Good luck convincing him, though I have a feeling it won't happen until he's ready to do so.

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Some people are afraid to retire.  Some think they are indespensable.   Some think their marriage won't survive.   Some have secret lives that are supported by their continued work.  

 

I think you get each family member who feels like they would like more of his time to write him and ask for it.   Maybe ask him to stay home from Thanksgiving to New Year, and see how that works for him.

 

But ultimately, he will make his own choice.   And if your mother wants to convince him and has tried, and cannot, then the rest of the family won't either.

 

What about if other family members traveled to visit him when he is away?

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