How to proceed with new development with a friend?


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When I was a kid, my dad passed away. I had one friend who was there with me the whole time and helped me get through it. She was my best friend and we did a lot together though never officially dated. As we got older, I felt attraction to her beyond friendship. She never seemed interested enough in me though so I didn't pursue it.

We both got married to our spouses within a week of each other and the four of us have kept in contact getting together a few times per year. My feelings for her never quite went away, but since she didn't seem to have them for me it was never an issue or question. Over the last year or so, I've had a suspicion that she has either developed feelings for me or she has now just let them show. It was confirmed tonight when we were leaving their place. We have always given each other a quick hug when leaving, but tonight she hung on a bit longer - long enough for it to mean something. As we let go I could see it in her expression that she didn't want to let me go but that we both knew for the sake of our spouses in that moment we had to.

Should I talk to her about this? Should I talk to my wife about it? This friend means the world to me because of what she helped get me through and because she helped me become the person I am today. If this was anyone else, I would cut ties and move on right now, but I just can't do that with her. She knows me too well and unless I told her straight up what is going on she would see through any excuses I can think of for not seeing them again. Any suggestions would be helpful!

Edited by Confusedman500
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Knock it off.  You picked a wife and got married.  Stop looking outside the marriage.  Of course you shouldn't talk to the woman or your wife about this.  You're supposed to deal with your inappropriate feelings by dealing with them yourself, not by feeding them and making life complicated for three other people in two different marriages.  Stop hugging other women when doing so arouses such feelings in you.

 

Or, get a divorce and urge the object of your emotional fantasy relationship to do the same, then you can be together.

 

Pick one.  I really don't think there's a middle ground here, although someone else might be of a different opinion.

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I have to agree with NT. You're playing with fire, and you're risking a lot more than just your own heart and well-being. If this good friend poses a threat to your intimacy with your wife, do the right thing and throw water on that relationship. You need not be unkind to your dear friend, but you need to protect your marriage (and hers).

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If you pick up a hot pan, you're going to burn yourself. Did you learn that as a child? Do you need to learn it more than once?

 

We have many relationships in our lives. Some linger, some move on. Accept that is just a 'relationship' and don't take it any further than that. There wouldn't be enough time in the day, if we all looked to explore beyond what we have or "what could be".

 

You're not going to find any validation here to tell you there is legitimacy in exploring this. To even discuss it with her would be "exploring".

 

Edit: I could have stated this more strongly. We all have loves in our past and many we still love. It isn't that love is exclusive to our spouse, but we must practice fidelity in our words and actions - even with something as seemingly benign as a conversation.

Edited by pkstpaul
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Now, guys . . . be creative.  It's a brave, new world out there.

 

(Note to OP:  The above was intended as gentle irony, in light of current events.  But, seriously--I endorse what everyone else has written.  I think you need to cut contact off with her, possibly permanently; and I wouldn't give any more explanation than "I value your friendship and am immensely grateful for everything you've done for me; but I think I really need to be focusing on my family relationship at the moment.)

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I'm not married and don't pretend to have experience in that field. I also don't know the details of your situation. So I can't relate too well to what you're going through, but here are a few thoughts anyway, for whatever they're worth.

 

Your wife deserves 100%. Your family is second only to the Lord, and so she deserves your whole heart and nothing less. As I understand it, that's what is committed to and promised [covenanted] at marriage. Don't make the mistake of thinking there's room for this friend to have 1% of your heart and your wife to have 99%, because I can guarantee it won't stop there until that line of thinking changes. "No man can serve two masters."  So whatever course you end up taking as far as your immediate relationship with her goes, I would recommend first and foremost making sure your end goal in your heart is to end those feelings for anyone besides your wife, including this person. Otherwise you'll end up back at square one eventually, regardless of what you do now.

 

Of course that doesn't mean there is no temptation and no brief moments of attraction to anyone else - that's always there. And of course it's natural and good to have simple gratitude for what your friend has done for you in the past (although under the circumstances I still wouldn't dwell on it). But if she has found a permanent spot in your heart, then action needs to be taken until that changes. Choose which thoughts and feelings you will allow to remain with you and which you will not. Pray often for help to follow through, and stick with it until things shift in your heart. It's not a quick fix, but I don't think anything else will be a permanent solution.

 

As for what specific short-term actions to take, I really don't feel qualified to answer, other than to say I would prayerfully consider what others are saying on this thread. Although I think I'll second Jane_Doe's response in particular.

Edited by Josiah
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How much of this hug is your own interpretation?

 

What she said.

 

I know you think you know what this person was thinking based on your past friendship with her, but I think it is far more likely that you were projecting your own feelings into this hug and saw what you wanted to see, not necessarily what she was thinking/feeling.

 

All of the advice to stop this right now and not say a word to this woman or your respective spouses is spot on.

 

Your wife is the one you owe your allegiance to, not this friend.  It doesn't matter how long the friendship has been, or what you went through together.  Our lives change.  Our lives move forward, not backward.  Sometimes even the best of friends are in our lives for a season, not a lifetime.

 

The fact that you are more concerned for your friend's feelings that you are for your wife and your marriage are just further evidence that this friendship has become inappropriate (at least on your part) and the only right thing to do would be to cut off all contact with this woman.

 

You owe it to the other guy, too.  No matter what her feelings might or might not be, you also have no business inserting yourself into their marriage simply because you refuse to control your own feelings.  I don't know any husbands who would be okay with some guy wanting to be around his wife because that guy still harbors romantic feelings and hopes.

 

Cut her out of your life and start working on being a real husband.

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Thanks for the feedback. The sentiments stated here reflect the way I was leaning and getting it out and seeing it in print has solidified that. I do have a follow-up question.

Should I talk to my friend and tell her that we need to distance ourselves? I'm afraid that if I just didn't contact her for a while she would probably call or text me at some point to check in and my resolve either would be caught off guard or break down.

If talking to her isn't a good idea, how would you suggest I make sure this doesn't go any further?

Thanks in advance for your help.

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Knock it off.  You picked a wife and got married.  Stop looking outside the marriage.  Of course you shouldn't talk to the woman or your wife about this.  You're supposed to deal with your inappropriate feelings by dealing with them yourself, not by feeding them and making life complicated for three other people in two different marriages.  Stop hugging other women when doing so arouses such feelings in you.

 

Or, get a divorce and urge the object of your emotional fantasy relationship to do the same, then you can be together.

 

Pick one.  I really don't think there's a middle ground here, although someone else might be of a different opinion.

 

There is no middle ground I would morally support.

 

Until you are divorced or widowed, you have no business pondering relationships with another person.

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Thanks for the feedback. The sentiments stated here reflect the way I was leaning and getting it out and seeing it in print has solidified that. I do have a follow-up question.

Should I talk to my friend and tell her that we need to distance ourselves? I'm afraid that if I just didn't contact her for a while she would probably call or text me at some point to check in and my resolve either would be caught off guard or break down.

If talking to her isn't a good idea, how would you suggest I make sure this doesn't go any further?

Thanks in advance for your help.

 

I wouldn't initiate contact, but the first time she initiated contact I'd probably just say what I suggested above--that I value our friendship and don't want this to get awkward; but I'm feeling like our friendship is getting in the way of my family relationship a bit, and I think it's best to take a break for a while.  Do not offer any further explanation than this.  If she's sharp, she'll know exactly what you're talking about and she'll end the conversation gracefully.  If she doesn't have a clue what you mean . . . there's no way this conversation is going to end well.  Repeat yourself once, and then say "good bye" and immediately end the encounter.

 

I'd also suggest you not do this in writing; but that could just be my inner lawyer speaking.  ;)

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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What the what? 

 

" for the sake of our spouses we had to. " 

 

What about for your own sake? Or your own desire? This sounds too much about just doing the right thing because you don't want to hurt your spouse. How about doing the right thing because you really want to? 

 

As far as talking to your friend about it, I wouldn't bring it up at all. I would simply distance yourself without explanation. You talking about it due to a longer hug and a sparkle in her eye may just make it worse in both of your minds. Why even acknowledge to each other the way you felt, or may feel? That, in my mind would make whatever you think may be real, real. Even if it is, It cannot be. If you talk to anyone about it, make it your wife. 

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Well, you have reached DEFCON 2.  If you keep hugging, it must be a very brief "A" frame hug only.  I suggest stopping it altogether.

 

You are playing with fire.  If you continue down this path you will reach DEFCON 1 which means immediate implementation of the missionary white handbook rules.  That will be really awkward, so deescalate the situation.  

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Nature abhors a vacuum.  Reducing (I would recommend eliminating) contact with her and thoughts of her is only half the solution.  You need to work on building your love for your wife.  Court her, romance her, think of her, let your mind dwell on your happy memories with her and fantasize about her.  If there are areas of friction or conflict, work on those.  Are you two sexually fulfilled in your marriage?  Don't leave cracks that Satan can use to wedge you two apart.

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Nature abhors a vacuum. Reducing (I would recommend eliminating) contact with her and thoughts of her is only half the solution. You need to work on building your love for your wife. Court her, romance her, think of her, let your mind dwell on your happy memories with her and fantasize about her. If there are areas of friction or conflict, work on those. Are you two sexually fulfilled in your marriage? Don't leave cracks that Satan can use to wedge you two apart.

That's been part of my problem too. My wife rarely agrees to any sort of intimacy. I have tried talking about it numerous times, but she doesn't think it's a problem so she always just brushes me aside. I've suggested counseling but she just laughs that idea off.

I have made efforts to make our marriage last and I feel like they have made a difference. I call her at least once or twice during the day to check in on her. I clean around the house. I cook dinner at least once a week. I'm always on the lookout for little things I can get her as a surprise. We go on a date weekly. All of this is great, but I do feel like I am starving for intimacy most of the time. It's something I've been learning to deal with because of the commitments of marriage, but when something like this with my friend came along so suddenly I didn't have a plan of action I could turn to and I was lost.

Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas - it has been nice to have someone other than myself work on this problem!

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That's been part of my problem too. My wife rarely agrees to any sort of intimacy. I have tried talking about it numerous times, but she doesn't think it's a problem so she always just brushes me aside. I've suggested counseling but she just laughs that idea off.

I have made efforts to make our marriage last and I feel like they have made a difference. I call her at least once or twice during the day to check in on her. I clean around the house. I cook dinner at least once a week. I'm always on the lookout for little things I can get her as a surprise. We go on a date weekly. All of this is great, but I do feel like I am starving for intimacy most of the time. It's something I've been learning to deal with because of the commitments of marriage, but when something like this with my friend came along so suddenly I didn't have a plan of action I could turn to and I was lost.

Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas - it has been nice to have someone other than myself work on this problem!

 

Then you need to push harder.  This lack of intimacy is slowly killing your marriage and you need to make that plain to her.  I'm not saying tell about this issue with your friend, but make it very clear to your wife that the path you two are on is not good for your marriage and it needs to change before things get bad.  Do not make it sound like a threat to leave her or cheat on her if she doesn't do what you want her to do,  make it sound like you are worried and afraid about the future of your marriage and want to ensure nothing like that ever happens and you want her help.

 

Laura Brotherson's book 'And they were not ashamed' is a fantastic resource.  See if she will commit to reading it together with you and discussing it.  DW and I set aside one night a week where we would go into the bedroom and one of us would read a chapter out loud and we would discuss it.  It made a huge difference.  If she won't do that, at least do it yourself, and share parts with her if she will listen.

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Should I talk to my friend and tell her that we need to distance ourselves? I'm afraid that if I just didn't contact her for a while she would probably call or text me at some point to check in and my resolve either would be caught off guard or break down.

If talking to her isn't a good idea, how would you suggest I make sure this doesn't go any further?

 Do not initiate contact. Keep resposes cordial but nothing more. If she brings it up or pushes it, you are not "caught off guard", you have already resolved that you do not plan to reciprocate. You then tell her, you do not plan to reciprocate. Ice makes a pretty good wall.

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Read the OP and then just bits and pieces of everything else.

 

Yes, knock it off! And whether or not you've interpreted this hug correctly, still, knock it off! I'd suggest avoiding any physical contact with this friend of yours if you're unable to keep a grip on things, this means, stop the hugging and maybe even visits until the coveting stops. Whatever you do, this is not a topic to spark with a once-upon-a-time fling. Get your head in the right place and start re-appreciating the woman you married. Do you guys have children? If so, wow - what a wonderful thing you share - a family! Whatever left over idleness your mind and body has - give that to your wife and kids...

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No, don't call her.   And don't mention what happened.   When she calls you, beg off whatever she has planned.  Keep doing this.  Be busy.  (I mean actually BE BUSY: it helps to not be faking this response, and you need to be busy doing things with your family.   I suspect that your wife knows you are not all in with her (whether she is intimate with you or not.)

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