Confused- RM daughter is dating a loser.


Str8Shooter
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There you have it. She is dating a manipulative, emotionally abusive person.  He is 27 years old and going nowhere in life. She is 22 and has everything going for her. My daughter has no real dating experience. This is her first serious relationship.

My daughter is not the same anymore. She is not the happy, bubbly person she used to be, and others feel the same way. She told us she broke up with him, but my other daughter went to visit and said they are still seeing each other.

The abuse is the worst kind- no yelling, just very manipulative "you have problems, your thinking is wrong, your family is weird (that might be true), you need to change" sort of stuff. Now my daughter thinks there are all these things wrong with her, she does not like who she is, and longs to be someone who she is not.

Our daughter no longer has fun and meaningful conversations with us anymore. My wife and I feel she is going to end up marrying this guy, as they have been dating for almost a year.



You guys, I am usually pretty good at holding my own, but this time I don't know what to do. I know I need to love them both. I jokingly thought to myself this sounds like the Stockholm Syndrome, but now I'm not sure how much I should jokingly think that.

My wife and I will never tell our daughter that she shouldn't marry this person. It's not our place. Our daughter is free to make her decisions. I guess this is how our Heavenly parents feel when we make bad choices here on earth.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

Edited by Str8Shooter
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Frankly, I have no problem with the concept of expressing your concerns even to the point of "we don't think you should marry him". You say this once and only once, letting it possibly becoming a case of "you can't say we didn't warn you" without further nagging, but yes, I'd let your daughter know your feelings.

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I dated a loser like that for a couple of years, and my parents strongly objected and absolutely let me know. My problem was that I couldn't see that I had anything to offer, I didn't think I could expect much more than this guy. All of my friends had more dating experience than I did, and as far as I thought back then, the loser was the only guy who had ever thought much of me. Serious confidence and self-image problems, make no mistake. I don't know your daughters situation or her mind, but if you want to help her shed a bad relationship, I'd start with trying to bolster her self-image. 

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I agree with the others. It is very much in yours and your wife's stewardships to make these concerns known to your daughter--once.

I would suggest you don't make the conversation about him, though. That's a sucker's game, because "You don't know him the way I do!!!" and you just create a persecution complex ("no one understands us!! This is just like Romeo and Juliet. Let's elope!!"). Rather, I'd suggest you try to find a way to point out how self-confident, talkative, and generally full-of-life she used to be; gently note that you've seen a change in her, and ask if there's anything you can do to help make her happier. Hopefully that could get her to open up a bit and have a good heart-to-heart that might eventually lead to the issue of Him.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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JaG is right this is in your stewardship, but I believe any family member or friend has the right of speaking up.

I remember expecting family and friends to speak up if they saw a problem with a new relationship. I'm only one perspective.

Edited by Backroads
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Have you gotten to know him? Have you invited him to family functions, maybe camping or fishing or sports event or whatever? What are his interests and aspirations?

We have met him a few times, but distance poses a serious problem. They are 1000 miles away. He is extremely nervous around my wife and I. To me, being nervous is normal, but extremely nervous around potential in-laws is not a good sign.

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Frankly, I have no problem with the concept of expressing your concerns even to the point of "we don't think you should marry him". You say this once and only once, letting it possibly becoming a case of "you can't say we didn't warn you" without further nagging, but yes, I'd let your daughter know your feelings.

Totally agree.

I get hung up on semantics a lot. I could never say "you should not marry him", but saying "I don't think you should marry him" is okay with me.

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I am going to agree with JAG...  Express your concerns to your daughter... and make it about how she is different...  Ask her if she is happer now then she was before.

 

If you can get her to acknowldge she is in worse shape now then before...  Then you make statement of "why are you staying in a situtation that make things worst?"

 

Then express you confendince that she is "Smart enough, strong enough, wise enough" to take control and fix her life

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Would you seriously let any of your children make one of the most important decisions in their life without giving them the benefit of your wise and loving counsel?

Again, semantics.

We have given plenty of loving counsel, but we would never say that she shouldn't date or marry someone.

Who someone chooses to date or marry is deeply personal. My wife and I would never receive revelation for that. The addition of "think" or "feel" makes all the difference in the world.

She has gotten plenty of advice, agrees with it, and yet does the opposite of what logic would dictate someone to do.

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Again, semantics.

We have given plenty of loving counsel, but we would never say that she shouldn't date or marry someone.

Who someone chooses to date or marry is deeply personal. My wife and I would never receive revelation for that. The addition of "think" or "feel" makes all the difference in the world.

She has gotten plenty of advice, agrees with it, and yet does the opposite of what logic would dictate someone to do.

 

And there's only so much you can do, once a person of free agency has been given information. Hence why I say any thoughts on your end should only be expressed once. Alas, we can't control other people. I completely agree with avoiding strict instruction not to date or marry someone.

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And there's only so much you can do, once a person of free agency has been given information. Hence why I say any thoughts on your end should only be expressed once. Alas, we can't control other people. I completely agree with avoiding strict instruction not to date or marry someone.

Completely agree.

I fear greatly that my daughter has exercised that agency, she's making her bed, and now she's going to have to lie in it.

I always have hope, but it's a sick feeling knowing how most of those relationships end up.

:-(

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Well, I've got new information and based on it I am going to go cry... no, weep for a while. Our daughter is going down a perilous path. She is falling.

Young parents- I beg you with all my soul to listen to the counsel and obey the counsel from the prophets and apostles. The little things ARE NOT little.

RM's- You are not spiritually invincible. In fact, I believe the greatest temptations you will face will be after your mission. Satan wants to destroy individuals, but he will work so much harder to destroy a family. Do not rationalize your way to spiritual destruction.

Our family is now living like we should, but tragically our oldest child had already moved out when our family was compelled to be humble by a major trial. She left on a mission without a foundation. I realize now that she has come back without one.

Now all I can do is love, hope, pray, and wonder how much accountability I am going to have for her actions. I am still smiling, but let me tell you it's a sick, sick feeling to deal with.

Please pray for us.

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Well, I've got new information and based on it I am going to go cry... no, weep for a while. Our daughter is going down a perilous path. She is falling.

Young parents- I beg you with all my soul to listen to the counsel and obey the counsel from the prophets and apostles. The little things ARE NOT little.

RM's- You are not spiritually invincible. In fact, I believe the greatest temptations you will face will be after your mission. Satan wants to destroy individuals, but he will work so much harder to destroy a family. Do not rationalize your way to spiritual destruction.

Our family is now living like we should, but tragically our oldest child had already moved out when our family was compelled to be humble by a major trial. She left on a mission without a foundation. I realize now that she has come back without one.

Now all I can do is love, hope, pray, and wonder how much accountability I am going to have for her actions. I am still smiling, but let me tell you it's a sick, sick feeling to deal with.

Please pray for us.

 

Will pray.

 

Be sure to be there for her, knowing the road ahead of her is rough and she'll need every bit of loving support she can get.

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First, she is dating a son of God.   Thinking and calling him a lose only makes it harder for you to have any influence.

 

Second, you really don't want to make this about him.   She feels loved.   She sounds like she may be being isolated, emotionally abused, and gaslighted.   What she needs from family isn't criticism, but some knowledge that she is competent, that whatever mistakes she makes, she can fix them (it is entirely possible that she has been done things with him that makes her feel unworthy and that she needs to be with him, though maybe not), that she deserves to be treated well (and what that looks like).

 

Find ways to lighten her life.  To help her see and live goodness and light.  

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First, she is dating a son of God.   Thinking and calling him a lose only makes it harder for you to have any influence.

 

Second, you really don't want to make this about him.   She feels loved.   She sounds like she may be being isolated, emotionally abused, and gaslighted.   What she needs from family isn't criticism, but some knowledge that she is competent, that whatever mistakes she makes, she can fix them (it is entirely possible that she has been done things with him that makes her feel unworthy and that she needs to be with him, though maybe not), that she deserves to be treated well (and what that looks like).

 

Find ways to lighten her life.  To help her see and live goodness and light.  

 

I accept your chastisement.  It is wrong to call him a loser.

 

She is isolated.  I don't know how much of it is by her choice.  We encourage her often and rarely mention her boyfriend.  We try to build her confidence, but again, I don't think she trusts us.  She does not listen to reasonable things.  She rationalizes the poor actions her boyfriend makes.

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My children have made some choices in partners/spouses that I find rather difficult.  I decided that if my children love them, then I will love them too and try to find the good in them. I will not speak negatively about their choice in a spouse to my other children or to the son/daughter involved.  One particular daughter-in-law can be a prickly pear, and the other siblings will sometimes talk about her to me, but I have decided that as long as my son has chosen her, then I will champion her.  If my children decide to divorce, I will also be loyal to my son/daughter and their new spouse if they should choose to remarry.  Reality is, in this day and age, divorce may be inevitable between some of my children and their spouses.  Hopefully, not.  But, I know of very few families where divorce has not happened to a sibling or two.

 

We can be tactful in offering our opinions about our children's relationships.  We can let our children know that they are always welcome in our home, where they can feel safe.  But, I have found that the apron strings have to be cut at some time, and our children will have to choose for themselves.  I hope that I have taught them correct principles.  But, I know that the world we live in is tough.  They may make mistakes that we wish they hadn't (and some of mine have), and we will weep tears of sorrow and grief.  I always have hope.  And, I pray constantly for their welfare.

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Kids do have to learn some lessons their way.   You don' thave to like what they do, so long as you accept where they are.   Lots of parents have spent a long time in prayer over their errant children.   And not a few of those prayers have been granted (though frequently in a way different from what the parent thought they were asking).

Edited by thoughts
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I have come to the conclusion that this is life!

 

We just have to leave all the burden on Jesus Christ. He is our saviour and redeemer. As much as you love your own children you need to let Christ receive your burdens, dont let it weight you down.

 

No one is immune from the adversary, I have seen children from "perfect" familys (like bishops and stake presidents) go astray.

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Guest MormonGator

The one thing you DON'T want to do is tell her how much you don't like the guy. You could be creating a Romeo and Juliet situation and she might say "Well maybe I like him more!" just to bother you 

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The one thing you DON'T want to do is tell her how much you don't like the guy. You could be creating a Romeo and Juliet situation and she might say "Well maybe I like him more!" just to bother you 

 

Yeah we are dialed in on that one.  We have never told her a peep on what we think of him, she has never asked our opinions, but I am sure she knows we aren't too keen about him.

The thing that blows my mind is that she tells us that he is insecure and lacks direction, but she still hangs out with him.   :huh:  :confused:  :confused:  :huh:  :(  :confused:  :huh:  

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Guest MormonGator

Yeah we are dialed in on that one.  We have never told her a peep on what we think of him, she has never asked our opinions, but I am sure she knows we aren't too keen about him.

The thing that blows my mind is that she tells us that he is insecure and lacks direction, but she still hangs out with him.   :huh:  :confused:  :confused:  :huh:  :(  :confused:  :huh:  

 Some of that might be age. I'm not defending him, but when I was younger I lacked direction and was terribly insecure. I've grown out of it, maybe he will too. 

Regardless, I am praying for you and your family. I'm sure it'll work out. 

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The thing that blows my mind is that she tells us that he is insecure and lacks direction, but she still hangs out with him.   :huh:  :confused:  :confused:  :huh:  :(  :confused:  :huh:  

 

Some of us repeatedly lose track of the fact that we can't fix people who don't want to be fixed.  That, and often we just can't imagine that they don't really want to be fixed.  We keep waiting for that moment when the light comes on so we can help them get back on track, even when they're actively preventing that moment from happening.

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